Last night I was restless. I would sleep and wake over and over and at 3:00 AM my body could take no more. Every time I convinced myself I could fall back to sleep my body would disagree until finally at 4:15 AM I gave in and just got out of bed. It was useless to fight it. Whatever the reason I was up and that was that.
I have a lot in my brain. Last weekend we went as a family to take my youngest to a scholarship competition at the college she has decided to attend. This event moves us one step closer to an empty nest and I still find myself wondering what I will do when I am no longer needed to mother on a daily basis. Right now there is plenty I am needed for and sometimes it is to the point that I wonder how this girl of mine will make it on her own without some mothering. Regardless, I cannot linger in that part of my mind, because she needs to take care of herself and I need to let go.
My brain also holds thoughts and worries about my other two launched children. Even though I know that they are doing well and working at life in their own way, I cannot help but think about how they are and worry when I know they are struggling. What kind of mother would I be if I did not wish every so often that I could reach in and magically fix whatever problem they are having? I learned to make my way in this life without a crossing guard and I am sure they will too, but…a mother can wish can’t she?
To add to the fun my brain is having, I am co-chair of the senior all night party at my daughter’s high school and I love what that entails most days, but some days it is a trial by fire. Couple that with my first ever summons to jury duty and you have a brain full of a combination of second guessing and worry. I love working with groups and learning to work with different types of people, but volunteers are not as easy to come by these days and our group could use a few more people sincerely ready to get the job done. Many hands make light work and right now the load is a little heavier than I would like it. Jury duty just scares me. Not sure why, mainly I think it is that I have to go to our county courthouse and it is kind of a pain. I do want to do my civic duty however so I will go.
All these things whirling around in my brain blender are probably why I had restless rest last night. There is no pause button on this whirling and spinning top of emotion and concern. It just takes off and I am awakened by the blending of all of it. Whirling and spinning and flowing over into a mess of thoughts that shake me awake and keep me that way. Each individual thing is really no big deal but together they all become a giant No Dose pill! I hope for better results tonight, I hope the fact that I awoke bright and early this morning will lend its self to a sleepy and restful tonight.