Thursday, July 31, 2014

Don't Just Stand There

I recently read that you are a runner if you run. I know this sounds crazy; of course you are a runner if you run, but I have never considered myself a runner.  A couple times a week and every now and then, three times in a week, I run in my subdivision. Nothing big just zigzagging through the neighborhood, listening to predetermined running music (only in one ear for safety) and each time hoping to make it home. I don’t run to be a marathoner or to be in the Olympics I just run because it is a quick and easy way for me to get some exercise and get on with my day.

I have always thought of runners as elite athletes that have toned bodies and eat shrubbery to stay healthy. I have a middle age body that does not avoid many foods except fast food if possible. I have never shied away from anything sweet or a good glass of wine and yet I am a runner. How can this be that I am allowed to be in this group of athletes? I feel a little guilty like I might bring the whole group down.

I don’t have a plan to train for anything. I will run a 5K (3.2 miles) race here and there if someone asks me to, anything longer and I tend to get bored. I marvel at the athletes that can or even want to run a marathon (26 miles). Don’t they get bored or have to go potty? What keeps them going? Yet these exceptional runners kindly include my wimpy neighborhood prancing as part of their sport. The reason being…something is better than nothing and runners (or most runners) don’t judge, they are encouraging and supportive and happy to welcome anyone into the fold.

I recently read that the fact that you get up and go run makes you a runner. I did not have to take a test or run a certain distance, I just had to get up and go and now I am a runner. When I cannot run I walk. When I don’t want to do anything I don’t and no one stops by and yanks my membership card, because I am a runner.


I am telling you all this to encourage you to step out today and try something, anything and make yourself proud. Don’t stand there looking at whatever it is that you have wanted to do but thought you couldn’t. Don’t talk yourself out of trying the one thing you have always hoped you would do but have not. Please do not let your age, your life, your family or your lack of ability, convince you that you cannot do the one thing that lingers in the back of your mind. Once you step out and just try the “I can’t” falls away and you too will become what you did not think you were. Suddenly you are part of a bigger group that does what you do and proud of yourself to boot. So don’t just stand there, do something!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Jumping back into The Deeper Pond

After seven months of silence my fingers were itching to pound the keyboard a bit. A lot has happened in that seven months. My oldest daughter is thriving far away in Connecticut. My middle daughter is in her final week of study abroad in England and my youngest is slowly prying her fingers from the door jam and preparing to head to college in just three short weeks. I spent the last few months working on the  senior all night party that the graduating parents put on for the kids and I also spent a lot of that time struggling to let my youngest go. Somehow my letting go was harder than I had expected.

I am just three short weeks away from an empty nest. While I was worrying, cajoling and encouraging my youngest through her senior year, I was secretly worrying about what my next move would be once there are no children feathering our nest. While reality is that I continue to be a mother, my lead role becomes a walk on part and I am wondering if I am going to be able to pull that off.

I found myself a nice part-time job that I will start soon. The hours are great and I like the place which is a bonus. This will get me out of the house here and there throughout the week and since my husband works out of our house, it will also give us something to talk about. I do not want our nest to become boring. Honestly, so far in our almost twenty two years together there has not been a dull moment yet and I don’t want to start now!


There is going to be some adjusting going on around here for all of us. Perhaps by writing a little, working a little and long distance mothering a little, I can make it past the empty nest syndrome with “flying” colors. Cross your fingers! It would also be nice to have you along for this next phase of my swim in the deeper pond.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Restless

Last night I was restless. I would sleep and wake over and over and at 3:00 AM my body could take no more. Every time I convinced myself I could fall back to sleep my body would disagree until finally at 4:15 AM I gave in and just got out of bed. It was useless to fight it. Whatever the reason I was up and that was that.

I have a lot in my brain. Last weekend we went as a family to take my youngest to a scholarship competition at the college she has decided to attend. This event moves us one step closer to an empty nest and I still find myself wondering  what I will do when I am no longer needed to mother on a daily basis. Right now there is plenty I am needed for and sometimes it is to the point that I wonder how this girl of mine will make it on her own without some mothering. Regardless, I cannot linger in that part of my mind, because she needs to take care of herself and I need to let go.

My brain also holds thoughts and worries about my other two launched children. Even though I know that they are doing well and working at life in their own way, I cannot help but think about how they are and worry when I know they are struggling. What kind of mother would I be if I did not wish every so often that I could reach in and magically fix whatever problem they are having? I learned to make my way in this life without a crossing guard and I am sure they will too, but…a mother can wish can’t she?

To add to the fun my brain is having, I am co-chair of the senior all night party at my daughter’s high school and I love what that entails most days, but some days it is a trial by fire. Couple that with my first ever summons to jury duty and you have a brain full of a combination of second guessing and worry. I love working with groups and learning to work with different types of people, but volunteers are not as easy to come by these days and our group could use a few more people sincerely ready to get the job done. Many hands make light work and right now the load is a little heavier than I would like it. Jury duty just scares me. Not sure why, mainly I think it is that I have to go to our county courthouse and it is kind of a pain. I do want to do my civic duty however so I will go.


All these things whirling around in my brain blender are probably why I had restless rest last night. There is no pause button on this whirling and spinning top of emotion and concern. It just takes off and I am awakened by the blending of all of it. Whirling and spinning and flowing over into a mess of thoughts that shake me awake and keep me that way. Each individual thing is really no big deal but together they all become a giant No Dose pill! I hope for better results tonight, I hope the fact that I awoke bright and early this morning will lend its self to a sleepy and restful tonight. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Nemesis


noun
noun: nemesis; plural noun: nemeses
1.    1.
the inescapable agent of someone's or something's downfall.
"the balance beam was the team's nemesis, as two gymnasts fell from the apparatus"
synonyms:
archrival, adversaryfoeopponent, arch enemy More
o    a long-standing rival; an archenemy.
"will Harry Potter finally defeat his nemesis, Voldemort?"
o    a downfall caused by an inescapable agent.
"one risks nemesis by uttering such words"
synonyms:
downfallundoingruinruinationdestruction, Waterloo More
o    retributive justice.
plural noun: Nemesis
"nemesis is notoriously slow"
synonyms:
retributionvengeancepunishment, just deserts; 

I have someone in my life at this time that I have decided is my nemesis. I have no other explanation for how I feel about this individual. There is a constant feeling that they are intentionally trying to make things difficult. Granted I think that making things difficult is basically what they do every day all day not just to me but in their dealings with most people. My goal today is to release this person and this problem. It is nothing I can control and the more I think about it the more power this person has.

A few days ago I took an online test. It was an ARE YOU A PSYCHOPATH? Test.  As I took this test I realized that this person I am allowing to control my feeling and thoughts and is stressing me out IS a psychopath.  They are practically a text book case. The good news is that I am not; according to this online test I have only 12% psychopath tendencies. The fact still remains that I am allowing this one individual who is just not right, to be in charge of how I feel. I am paranoid and edgy and worried about what they are saying about me.  I am worried they will cause my undoing, ruination, or downfall. Not that I have anything to fall from, it’s just that once someone like this gets in your head, they have total control of your thoughts and feelings. This is not my “normal” style and it’s bugging the heck out of me!
I have to be ok with this individual roaming around my life. I need to limit contact with them as best I can, stand in my truth and not allow them to turn me into something I am not and most of all I must stop worrying about them and their crazy ways because I am making myself sick.

Yesterday I remembered that when you do not like someone it is generally because they are like you or remind you of things in yourself you do not like. That little tidbit sent me off the deep end worrying about what I could possibly have in common with my nemesis. We are both people with strong opinions, we have a desire to be liked and as I trace my mind about other possible commonalities I think my biggest worry is that they will be the reason I lose a friend.


The truth is all I can do is let this story play out and not add my own imagination to it. By constantly wondering and thinking about details of this person’s perceived plan or plot my 12% psychopathic tendencies rear their ugly head. I am better than that. I can take back control of my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps I just take my need to control this situation down a few notches and just take back my personal power and energy. This is just a temporary issue and it will last as long as I allow it to. I should probably stop being so dramatic too, using words like nemesis may be over the top…or so I hope!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Patch of Blue

Can you see the little patch of blue
on the right side among the branches?
Wow, what a difference an hour makes!
Today has been intermittently gray and then sunny. At one point I watched as the gray sky swallowed up all the blue except a tiny little section. I focused on the small section of blue hoping to will the blue back. I just could not give into the gray and let it take over.

Many days in the winter I feel like gray and gloomy feelings are swallowing me up. I fight and fight the feelings and try desperately to focus on the happy things. I am desperate to not let the gray push me around. It is hard not to give in and just let the gray wash over me and many days it does. Seeing that little patch of blue fighting back today inspired me. As the afternoon wore on I could see that that little patch had worked its way into a bigger patch of blue with some sun thrown in. I liked that, I want to be like that. I want to see a rough patch in my life and focus on the good so hard that I smooth away the grayness.

I realize that a little gray or even a lot of gray is just part of life. It certainly helps make those sunny blue sky kinds of days all the sweeter doesn't it? I also know that sometimes it is up to me to be my own patch of blue, fighting back the gray with a good book, a cup of tea or a good conversation with a friend or even all three. Today is a good day to make your list of blue sky ideas. What takes away your grey and makes your inner sunshine? You never know when you will have to fight off the gray with a patch of blue.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

When You Say You are OLD

I have a friend that always makes comments about being old. Things like “My old ears cannot take the noise” and “My old eyes cannot read the small print”. One day I called her out on it and I said “Listen when you make cracks like that you bring the whole team down!” From there we got into a discussion and I learned that she was my age. WHAT?! Listen it is tough enough aging without constantly picking on yourself about it and picking on your perceived flaws and throwing them out there for all to see.

Everything about us changes every day. Sometimes it is just part of our personal package, choosing to view an aversion to loud noises as you being old, makes you old! You’re choosing to consider your eye sight changing as aging, rather than just part of the barrel full of monkeys that life hands each one of us, ages you. So please, please, please, STOP THAT!!


I don’t know about you, but I do not need someone my age running around complaining about getting old. I am very happy remaining age neutral and immature, please do not stick me in your crotchety OLD group and if you’re younger than me and complaining about getting old, that just does me in! Just enjoy where you are. Every one of us that gets to wake up tomorrow and enjoy a new day has a chance to do something new and create who we want to be and our age should not be an obstacle. For me I choose to be my age but live as young as I feel. I will hang out in noisy places and proudly slip on my reading glasses only when I need to. Most of all I am going to live as long as I can and remain as young as I feel. As for you, when you say you’re old, I may just have to agree with you.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Time Off For Good Behavior


It has been just over three weeks since I last wrote a blog. Did ya miss me? There was the week of Christmas where every moment was packed with jolly holly festivities. The next week was New Years and that week went by so fast it was Friday before I finished blinking on Monday morning. Then Snowmagedan came to our town. Snow and more snow and then the Polar Vortex which kept us trapped in our home since -30 degrees are just not fun. Finally for some added fun, my husband, daughter and I came down with Bronchitis and just to be difficult, my body threw in an ear infection (WOOHOO!).

It took a little over 21 days to break my habit of writing. Honestly, I was too busy at the beginning to write anything and last week I was just not up to doing anything but the basic stuff. I was lucky if I brushed my teeth. I became very close with my comfy clothes last week. It was tough putting on real clothes when I did have to go out. I enjoyed the forgiving nature of the stretchy waist bands. They never judged me or forced me to conform, they just allowed me to be me and fill out where I needed to, no questions asked. Writing was just more than I could handle…too much energy would have been expelled that I needed for walking and sitting.

So, I am back at it and I will do my best to dazzle you with my writing once again. I hope I have not lost my few readers forever, I know I let you down. If it helps I thought of you often and wondered what you were doing. I also hoped you had not found a more entertaining blog, which honestly, I know, is not hard to do. Let’s just call it time off for good behavior and move on shall we?

Join me tomorrow when I write about When You Say Your Old.