Monday, October 5, 2015

Good Morning again, Fall

Over the weekend our family played the fall game of should we turn on the furnace or shouldn’t we? We spent a good amount of time telling each other how cold we were. Our two youngest had come home from college for the weekend so that meant that there were a lot more opinions than we have had here in a while. Mainly we leaned toward not turning it on. On Sunday after our girls headed back to school we (Mark and I) decided maybe we should relent and we turned the heat on for a little while “to get the chill out of the air”. Sorry girls…

Spring and fall tend to put us all in a tail spin. We find ourselves wanting so much for the new season to start but hesitating to commit. Spring is easy to jump into I can throw on some bright spring colors and layer up and we are good to go, but fall means looking at sweaters and layers and making a full on commitment to the cooler air. My favorite are the days when the sun is shining bright and the air is warm and we all pretend for 24 hours that its spring or even summer. No cares at all just living for the sunshine.

As I look out my window this morning all I see is grey cloudy skies and drizzle and my attitude is GAH…I would prefer sitting in my writing chair reading or writing or even looking endlessly at Facebook (I know, don’t judge me!) anything to avoid getting ready and facing the damp cold air. But I must go out and go to the post office and mail my youngest her glasses that she left behind when they packed up and left to go back to school. I promised I would last night before I knew I would wake up to the gloom. I’ll pull it together and get going, but I am going to have to work very hard to change this attitude that is lacking in enthusiasm.

As a side note I should let you know that my commitment to writing is no less enthusiastic. Things in my life have picked up the pace a little and I find myself a little busier than I would like to be. I’m working a little more at the shop I help out at because someone has left the store. My one day a week will be much more for a while until new people are hired and trained. I am fortunate to work for someone that is willing to let me hang around and work one day a week and the least I can do is help out in a pinch.

At the same time I have decided I would get better at making dinner. Over the summer I became less enthralled with cooking and felt badly that we were enjoying way more dinners out. So many actually that going out wasn’t fun anymore (shameful, I know!). So now I’m a full on wife, cleaning, cooking and caring for my family and like most women in America, working too. Yeah I know… big freaking deal. You are allowed to think that I know how lucky I have been but for now the jig is up and I have to get back to multi tasking. This means my writing will not be everyday but in a way that’s a good thing. I’ll have more to share when I do write. Don’t be sad, it won’t be as bad as you think. I’ll throw something into cyber space every chance I get, I promise. STAY WARM!

Wednesday, September 30, 2015


So I shared with you about my not so great feelings last week and then stopped writing. It was nothing personal, I just did not have it in me to write and then the weekend came along and Mark and I went out of town to see our girls and to celebrate his actual birthday. Along with all the running around I have continued to battle what might be a fall lull. My body is exhausted and my mind is murky and this morning’s chill in the air makes getting up and out of bed work.

Fall is the season of falling leaves and slowing down. I have been pulling out a snuggly blanket more and more when I sit down to read or write. I also look outside hoping to see the colors change a little more every day.   When the trees start to turn there is almost a festive fall feeling in the air. Apples, cider and donuts, along with color tours and flannel shirts help the celebration along.

I am looking outside this morning and the sun is bright and it is lighting up the red and gold in the trees. This is what a fall light show looks like. I welcome the chance to slow down from the summer’s busyness into a little slower pace. Maybe sip some warm cider and snuggle with Mark to keep warm. I also hope to get my brain back on track and feel like myself once again.

It’s going to take a little more time to get my brain on track. Hopefully not too much more, this feeling is like being mired in mud and not having any way out. My plan is to focus on the day ahead and grab a short nap this afternoon. I think a little self care is required here. As for you, I hope you will start to see fall all around you and enjoy the color show.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

What is it?

I‘m going through something…I’m not sure what it is or why, but it’s there. I’m anxious and uneasy and if I could have my way I would not leave the house. I made dinner last night and it didn’t turn out as well as I had planned and I cried. Not just little tears but a full on cry. I am pulling away from things I enjoy and people I like talking to. What the heck is going on?

I am hoping it is just the change of seasons and that it will pass but its unpleasant and weird. I feel like folding up, but I can’t because I have too much to do. We have some awesome plans for this coming weekend and I don’t even want to go. Now that’s really weird! I love going places and doing things especially when I can go and do with my hubby and yet I’m not feeling it. From where I stand it seems a lot like depression, but why?

That is the hard part about depression. It climbs in grabs a hold of you and starts filling your head with lies. There are big lies and little lies about you that aren’t true. Then you are left to fight this battle with yourself over truth and lies. After a while you start to believe the lies and you even start thinking that others feel things towards you or about you that are not true and it becomes this vicious fight with in yourself. What is most difficult is knowing what is happening and even knowing what you can do about it and being unable to do it.

That’s where I’m at. So many good things and wonderful things going on around me and I’m frozen in this not so great place of anxiety and worry and sadness over nothing. It’s awful and I hate it. I’m doing what I can because I know what it is (depression) but I obsess about why I’m feeling this and it just makes it worse. I would like nothing more than to have a day where I don’t shower and just sit and do nothing, but common sense tells me that is a recipe for disaster. So at least I have not lost my sanity…yet.  Today, I know that I have things to do and I have to get moving. I will just push through and make my way one day at a time until I leave this horrible feeling behind.

Monday, September 21, 2015


Last Saturday, I had a surprise birthday party for my husband. He was surprised, which is always a plus when you are working hard to make it a surprise. The whole process of getting from the idea of the party to the surprise made me wish I had come up with another plan. Let’s just say that I could never be a spy or an undercover anything. The stress of being found out about killed me.

For the last 6 weeks I have been scheming and planning. The idea was so exciting; I jumped in without thinking it all the way through. For example, my husband works from home…how do you prepare for a party when you party pigeon is right there all the time? I had to forgo actual paper invitations and text and mention the invite to people because I was never out of sight enough to be that sneaky. I also had no way of explaining why our usually ample food budget was just not stretching as far as it normally would. I just pretended like all was well and I had no idea what the problem was.

There was also the fact that I had to come up with various excuses why a particular day which was wide open on the calendar was suddenly not so wide open. I had already started planning for one open day when my husband informed me he was working that day…UGH.  I then had to start from scratch with my idea. Oh, and how about the day that we had our argument and I wanted to sock him in the nose? I had a tough time making my way through the plans until we worked it all out and made up. That required me reminding myself that I indeed love him even if he is a total man sometimes!

I should tell you if you are thinking of planning a surprise, really think it through. It was a big success and my husband was very appreciative, but it took a huge toll on my nerves. If sneaking around is your thing, then you will have it made, no problem, but if you are not so great at the whole undercover thing, maybe you will want to enlist the aid of a cohort who can carry the weight of some of the anxiety and stress. Regardless, most people like surprises and it is pretty cool to make someone you love feel special so in the end it is worth all the bumps and bruises when everyone yells “SURPRISE!!”     

Friday, September 18, 2015

Losing your Soul

Just a quick thought today inspired by a song heard this morning by a Christian singer, TobyMac. The Chorus is this “I don’t want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.” It made me stop and think how hard we all work to be more and have more or even just look like we do and to what end. If people around you look at you and think you have everything and have it all together and you are feeling unhappy and lost, you are losing your soul.

I have started to realize that the having and the being somebody part are not as important as the loving and caring part. Cherishing the people in our lives, not the things, Making sure we stay true to who we are and finding a life path that makes us happy without giving away our core beliefs to make someone else happy.

I stopped writing for a while because I felt like no one cared what I had to say. Recently I realized that I had been writing for me and I missed it. If no one ever reads another thing I write it does not matter as long as the writing continues to be true to who I am and honors the life I have. Please take some time today to be true to you. Hang on to your soul people!!

Here is the link to his YOUTUBE video:

Thursday, September 17, 2015


Headphones have become the great escape. This morning as I walked my dogs Roxanne and Louis we walked past this young man headed to the middle school bus stop. This young guy had on headphones and never even glanced in my direction. The morning sounds were all around us, chirping birds, leaves rustling and even a nice lady walking by with her puppies saying “Hello” and he heard none of it. He was in the zone and life was his oyster.

Full disclosure, when I run I wear headphones, but I only have one bud in my ear playing music to keep my feet going. The other ear is available to hear cars coming, birds chirping and for paranoia’s sake the random person chasing me (which thankfully has not happened). I still hear the birds and barking dogs, people saying hello and any other things I need to hear. The thing is everywhere you go now you see people in headphones. Even my husband who works from home will roam the house while he is “In a meeting” and until I look at him and realize he is “unavailable” I am yammering on in a conversation. Nice!

I am still in debate with myself as to whether this is a good thing or not. I’m wondering if this disconnection will make all of us less personable and unable to communicate. I’m sure that was a big debate when television burst on the scene many years ago. Change is always hard no matter what it is. I suppose instead of assuming the young man this morning was listening to music, maybe I should think about the chance he was actually listening to a book he downloaded. Maybe as I grow older I am just becoming a big fuddy duddy!

Reality is life is evolving so fast that keeping up is tough. Music alone has gone from records to eight track tapes to cassettes on to CD’s and now we download music to our phone. At this rate we may just get a chip implanted in our heads one day so we can answer calls and hear music without carrying this phone and portable photo album everywhere. Oh geez, did I just invent something? I sure hope not!

I guess for now I will worry about me and what I am doing and let the rest of the world ignore me as they listen to music, have meetings and ignore nature. Now if you will excuse me I need to put in my headphones so I can watch a show on Netflix.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


This morning I got up early and went to work out at a gym Mark and I belong to. It’s a pretty easy going place, nice people and a trainer we like. There are all kinds of topics that come up when I am there and many times I just listen and keep quiet. The melting pot isn’t always filled with like minded people and I find it best to feel and believe what I do and not necessarily share it out loud. I know, it’s hard to believe that this chick that writes her life out loud doesn’t share everything in public isn’t it?

So anyway, the scary topic of politics came up and I heard our trainer and one of his clients commenting on a particular candidate that gets on my last nerve. They were insisting this candidate had a real shot at the job that they are shooting for and talking about polling numbers etc. I kind of jumped out of my skin a little and basically dumped my don’t ask, don’t tell policy about politics and raved like a nut job about how ridiculous the whole thing was. This sudden rant delighted the group at the gym and they laughed hysterically at my lunacy.

The thing about politics is that it is personal. I am not one to stand for one party or another. I look at the person and the history as well as the kind of life they lead. I am not big on flash and smoke and mirrors, I want value for my vote. I don’t talk about how I vote because I don’t want to go toe to toe about how I feel and why with anyone, because like I said before, it is personal. So now that I have thrown myself out there, I have to find a graceful way to reel it in. I figure I’m just going to laugh at their gentle ribbing and keep very quiet from here on out. I promise I won’t even say “I told you so!!!!” when this candidate is finally taken out of play. It’s best to get back to keeping my opinions to myself in the real world. The bonus is, it gives me much more to share here!