Monday, August 31, 2009

Day 8 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, it has been a week of working towards perfect mothering. Here are a few things I have noticed this week. First of all, there is an endless supply of items that you can write about when it comes to mothering! Second, most people will discuss this topic with no problem. I feel very confident that I will have many many conversations to share with you through the remainder of the year. Honestly, my family loves me so much, that they supply me with material for my blog every single day.

This week is our final week of summer vacation. I am not sure how it will play out. Will my kids try to cram everything that they have not done all summer into this week, or will they be zonked out and ready for the routine of school? I am very curious how this will go. One thing is for sure once Thursday hits they will be very busy celebrating Peach Festival, which is a big thing here in our little town. There is a carnival and craft show. Festivities everywhere you look. This is like our last hurrah before school starts next Tuesday.

Peach festival is a lot of fun and as the kids have gotten older they have been enjoying more and freedom. This year should be a new test, because they have already made plans and have not even asked me if it is OK. I think I am starting to fall out of the loop. The interesting part is that I am their ride. I am just thinking that if I needed a ride somewhere I would probably speak with the chauffeur. I think I have been driving them so much this summer that they have forgotten that I am not hired help. I will be working on reminding them that I am in a volunteer position, and hopefully they will at least tip me when they get out of the car. I could use the cash, so that I can enjoy the weekend too. Put on your sit belts folks this is going to be an interesting week of working towards perfection!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Day 7 The Perfect Mom Project

The one thing that I like about my career in Motherhood, I am never without information or motivation. There is always a book or television show, community organization or person, willing to tell you how to do your job right. That fact is also why I struggle with huge amounts of guilt and I have to assume that many other Moms are in the same boat.

There have been many times when I have been involved at my children's school and thinking I am so great, because I am helping fold the school newsletter and in walks Mom Of America, with a basket of muffins for the teachers and staff. She then heads to the school library to put away books for the librarian and afterwards heads to the classroom to plan and prepare the showcase for the teacher. There always seems to be someone or something that knocks me down off my "Good Mom Throne". I know realistically what my limit is as a Mom, but it always amazes me how far some people are able to go beyond my limit. OK, maybe that is a lie. I might think I know my limit, but as soon as I see another Mom swooping in with her cape on, I immediately want a piece of the action!

When talking with a friend yesterday, it struck me how often the bar gets raised in mothering by what we lovingly referred to in our discussion as "Mom pressure". It is similar to peer pressure, but more then just the peer is affected by Mom pressure. The entire family can either win or lose depending on how the unsuspecting Mom handles it.

Example, after sending simple things like donuts and cider for my children's classroom birthday celebrations I decided I would kick it up a notch in my youngest daughters 4th grade year. Years of watching all these fabulous Moms doing their birthday magic, helped me decide to throw my hat into the ring. Avery loves frogs, she has since she was in preschool. I decided I would make these delightful cookies I had seen in a magazine. This particular magazine promotes perfect momdom(new word). They trot out an endless supply of ideas and you would have to be a total heel not to jump on board. So anyway...I digress,back to the cookies.

The magazine showed this cute picture of these little gummy frogs perched on sugar cookie lily pads. I had to do this!! Have you ever seen gummy frogs? When you are actually looking for them, they are not to easy to find. Plus making all those sugar cookies from scratch? Yikes that is a lot work. Already you can see that perhaps I am not cut from the same cloth as "Mom of America". I did eventually come up with a plan to buy the cookies precut and bake them, and a supportive Mom friend found the little froggies for me, but I felt a little diminished, because I was not making them from scratch. I have to say though, in the end they were darn cute!

That is how it all begins, that one little success, creates a Momster (another new word, I kind of like this one). You are suddenly combing the magazines, watching television and asking friends how they created those adorable tote bags out of the juice box pouches. The bar is now raised and you are consumed with the task of becoming...The Perfect Mom

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Day 6 The Perfect Mom Project

This morning as I sit looking out at the lake view from my oldest Daughter's back porch, I find myself enjoying a little maternal glow. Seeing my Daughter and Son-in-law making a home for themselves is such a wonderful feeling. I have to admit I am taking a majority of the credit for their happiness. Obviously, I am not here everyday to guide them through, but they seem to do all right.

I guess what I am really getting at is that it is wonderful to have one of your children make it out into the world and make a go at it. Two reasons...they are no longer your financial responsibility and they are a sign that you might know what you are doing, when it comes to parenting. I know that, that might be a stretch, but I feel it is important to pat myself on the back for any success. There is no measuring stick that I know of for good parenting, so I choose to believe that my kids being launched and out there making their own way, is a good sign.

So today I will walk around with a lovely glow that is not from the sun (since it is definitely not sunny out today). I will be glowing parental success. Now, I still have the two younger ones that are works in progress, so I may get knocked down a peg or two today. I will just have to use my Mom deflector shield and try to make it out unscathed today.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Day 5 The Perfect Mom Project

Here is a question for you. Why does it seem that my youngest daughter is trying to drive me insane? I am sure my project will fail, purely because I will end up losing the remaining patience that I have and just beat her. I become so frustrated when I ask her to do things, she is very slow to motivate. There are actually times that because she puts off for so long what I have asked her to do, I even forget what it was until I come across it again. Sometimes it is a week later. AARRGGH!

I have also decided that her bedroom must be some sort of government funded science experiment. Why else would anyone choose to live that way? She must be getting money for this. The hard part is that although both of her sisters have suffered from messy room syndrome, they would at times become sickened with themselves and then clean their rooms without even being asked. My youngest seems to feel the most comfortable when she is surrounded by all of her things. I do not mean surrounded in a comforting loving way, I mean literally surrounded, stuff everywhere. Dirty towels, dirty clothes, dirty dishes and then of course the books she has read or is reading plus any item that may have made its way in there and has become trapped.

Here is the thing, I walk in and say "Avery this is terrible! If you do not take care of this you will not be able to have a friend over" (or any other threat that seems appropriate at the time). Then, because I am so on the ball, I forget and suddenly friends are in there or she is off doing whatever it is that I had told her she could not do. Gross, why would you want a friend in there! There is also the concern on my part that word will get back to the friends mom and I will be outed as a pig! I admit it, it is somewhat about me.

The truth is I just do not want to fight about this, I just want her to say "Oh yes Mommy, I do see it is a mess. I will take care of it right away." Here is the best part, then she would do it. Realistically I know that her room is not an important issue, but for me if there is clutter around I can not think. When I walk in there I go nuts. How can she think? She is a bright girl, so perhaps clutter does not affect her like it does me. I just wish that there was a middle ground for us. This issue is a hot button item for us. Along with procrastinating on every task I ask her to do.

I hope for two things, first I hope that at some point she is more tidy, I do not see that happening in the near future, but I have hope. Second, I hope that I can let her have this as her thing and not ruin our relationship stomping her into submission. Really, she is only 13 and as I think back I believe my room might have been like that too. For now, lets keep that our little secret, OK? In the mean time, I will keep plugging away at this Mom thing...wish me luck!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Day 4 The Perfect Mom Project

This Morning as I type this I am surrounded by my youngest daughter's blanket tent. She took several chairs and draped several blankets over them to create a tent for herself to sleep in. Upstairs, there is a homemade chocolate cake baking for my oldest daughter's birthday. With that in mind I would like to respond to some thoughts that my friends and family have had about my journey to motherhood perfection.


I honestly do not consider myself a BAD Mom, some of you have made comments that you do not think I am a BAD Mom, and have even been very complimentary. While I appreciate your kind words and support, I feel I should clarify what I am trying to do with this blog. First of all, My Mom passing away has hit me a lot harder then I expected and this is a way for me to work through some of the things that I never had a chance to resolve within myself about our relationship. Second I love writing and I had fallen off the writing wagon and wanted a way to get back on. Third I wanted a way to understand my relationship with my kids and thought that by sharing my story with you I would also hear your stories and that somehow this will help all of us understand how great we really are.

I had a great conversation yesterday with some good friends and we were talking about where exactly the bar is set for motherhood. What makes us "good or"bad". Would my project raise the bar or possibly lower it? I know that this is not a potential Pulitzer prize winning project, but I also feel that through this Blog I will be talking with people about something that has been a curiosity to me for some time...Motherhood.

This weekend my family and I will be staying at my daughter and son-in-law's house. They live a little over two hours away, so it always feels like a little get away. I am looking forward to our time together. With Ashleigh, who is my oldest, I get to see one finished mothering project. I am actually quite pleased with my work. Obviously I am always ready to do some tweaking when we are together. Not only with Ashleigh, but sometimes I have to do a little tune up on my Son-in-law, Scott. I know that sounds a bit like nagging, but it is mostly in fun. They are a great couple and they have a wonderful life together. I feel blessed to have Scott in our family. Having a Son-in-law, also opens up a whole other section in motherhood. I will not even go there right now.

SO here is to another day of mothering and working to get it right. Maybe I will climb into this blanket tent city that is next to me and give my baby a big hug!! "What a GOOD Mom!"

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 3 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday started off fairly well. I drove my middle daughter up to the high school to register her for 10th grade year. We went through each station of registration and it was time for the dreaded photo line. I kept anticipating that I would be asked by Aly to just wait by the wall, but that did not happen. I even said, "Why don't I wait over there for you?" She replied, "no that's OK Mom, you can keep me company". I thought for sure hanging with me was the kiss of death, but apparently either she did not care, or she just did not want to stand in line alone. Regardless, it all went fairly well. I left Aly at the school to work at the sophomore booth for a couple of hours and then she planned to have lunch with her girlfriends. Then I would get her call and pick her up. This is where I start to lose it a little.
When I did get her call I immediately drove to pick her up from town. At this point, I knew that she would be coming home to change and then I would be driving her to the beach to help celebrate her girlfriend's birthday. Once she had changed we stopped and picked up another girlfriend, plus my youngest rode along since we would also be picking up her girlfriend who just happens to be Aly's girlfriend's sister. We all rode to the park for the drop off and then I brought the younger girls home to swim and hang out at my house. About a half hour later Aly calls to tell me "We really do not know to many people at this party, could you come pick us up?" My first thought was NO, I just dropped you off, I am not a taxi service, but I did not say that. I had just put some zucchini bread in the oven, and the younger girls had just gotten into the pool, so I told her she would have to wait the 55 minutes for the bread to finish and then I would come and get them.

Which is what I did, but in the mean time as drove there I could not help feeling like a taxi cab. The bright side of the whole taxi trip thing was that Aly's girlfriend is now my technical support for my new phone. I had been so aggravated with the thing that I was willing to pay $35.00 to exchange it. Her girlfriend who I will lovingly call Techie in this blog was able to figure out how to do the main thing I was most aggravated about, I could not set separate ring tones for certain people. Once she figured out what the issue was, I was suddenly so happy with my new phone. Anyway, I was able to move on from the whole being a "cabbie" thing and enjoy the rest of the day.
I know over all that I am not a "BAD" Mom, but I sometimes say or do things with my kids that I know are not "GOOD Mom choices. I also think that kids just do not understand that Mom's are people too. I recently had to tell my youngest Avery that I was not a psychologist and I was not always going to say or do all the right things. I think she reads to many books where the Mom's are flawless. Sadly her Mom is not flawless. I wonder is that a requirement to be a good Mom? I will continue to move forward in my quest for perfection today. It is raining, so there will be lots of opportunity for togetherness.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Day 2 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, it is day two of my quest to understand motherhood. Yesterday seemed to be going well. I took my middle daughter Aly to get a cell phone. She is in the 10th grade and I was concerned that she was on the edge of becoming a social pariah because she did not have a phone. I have been told and I quote
"No one emails or talks on the phone anymore Mom, they only Facebook or text."

Since Aly did not have a phone she was somewhat limited in how she was contacted by her friends. I guess you could say she was out of the loop. We ended up spending a lot more time at the phone store then I wanted too, mainly because I could not decide what type of phone to get. I gave Aly my phone and changed the number, and I was going to up grade to a new phone. What a giant pain! I was roaming from phone to phone and by the end I picked one phone and as the very patient salesman was walking towards me, I changed my mind and ended up bringing home a phone I would like to throw out the window. I suddenly became this crazed woman, snapping at my kids and calling my husband to tell him how much I hate this phone. I am not thinking that this is how a "good" mom behaves. I was really not feeling good about myself. First because I can not make a decision, which my daughter kindly pointed out she can not do either and it is my fault and second, because I was taking everyone hostage in my frustration.

Later in the evening I had said good night to my kids and was relaxing in bed playing a game on my DS and my youngest daughter Avery came in and wanted to show me her folder for school. Being tired and spent from the day I was not very interested and told her that I was playing my game. She ever so nicely said to me
"Thanks Mom, I am glad you care so much. I see where I stand."

Oh the drama!! I felt like yelling that Moms are not always on call and that I had already said goodnight, so that meant her day was up. I really do not think that would have been the right thing to say. Maybe just knowing that I should not say that makes me a good Mom? HHHMMM something to think about. Today is another day and another chance to be...The Perfect Mom!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Crazy Lady

It has been 3 months since my Mom passed away. Since I did not have a lot of contact with her in the last years of her life and since we were not very close I never really expected her passing to affect me to deeply. Boy was I wrong, I have been struggling ever since. My biggest struggle is that I feel like I never really had a Mom. Of course I had a Mother, but not a Mom. Someone I could call to vent or hang out with and laugh with. Someone that I felt genuinely loved me and wanted to be a part of my life.

I have been feeling like I really missed out. If I did not have that in my life how can I be that for my kids. How can I be what I needed for my kids? Is it possible to be a good Mom if you did not have one? Is it possible to give what you did not get?

I am dedicating the next year starting today to exploring being a GOOD Mom. This will be my journey. I will be exploring what good really is and whether you can actually obtain good motherhood. I will share each days successes and failures. Hopefully in this journey I will learn something that will help me move on from my sadness and help bring some understanding of what a good Mom really is and what it means.

Is there such a thing as...The perfect Mom?