Day 161 The Perfect Mom Project

Wikipedia states: Decision making can be regarded as an outcome of mental processes (cognitive process) leading to the selection of a course of action among several alternatives. Every decision making process produces a final choice. The output can be an action or an opinion of choice.

In the picture at right,

A decision tree consists of 3 types of nodes:-

1. Decision nodes - commonly represented by squares

2. Chance nodes - represented by circles

3. End nodes - represented by triangles

Last night as we drove home from church, Aly mentioned that her and her girlfriend decided that they were not good decision makers and they were both certain it was their Moms fault. Apparently since Aly was a child, my habit of asking her “Are you sure?” or “How about this instead of that?” and last but not least “What if?” has stunted her into a person that struggles with decision making. When she first mentioned this in the car, I took it like a big girl and said nothing, but as I sat there I realized that I did not need to take the hit for this issue anymore. I turned to her and said, “Aly, the fact that you recognize that this is a problem for you, gives you full responsibility to change it.” “You cannot continue to blame your Mom for something that you know you do and you do not like about yourself, it is up to you to change it now.”

As I was saying this out loud I realized that my question to myself a few days ago of why I was able to become the person that I am today, had just explained it’s self. I saw what I did not like and I made a decision to change it. I am not sure if it was a conscious decision, but it was a decision. I take full responsibility for the life I have now, because I know that I created it. I cannot change my childhood, but I have been able to create a wonderful adulthood! I am starting to realize that I need to let my Mom off the hook. She did the best that she could, the fact that her best (in my opinion) was not that great, means nothing now. I am a big girl and I can make my own decisions, so I have no one to blame but myself. Wow, that was an “Ah ha” moment if I do say so myself.

I found the picture above on Wikipedia; it shows the science of decision making. Within all of the squares, triangles, and circles there is a thought process to decide something. If this is how a normal brain decides anything, I do not think that Aly’s issue is my entire fault, it is a complicated and difficult process and not as cut and dry as you might think. But I will leave that up to you to decide.

Day 160 The Perfect Mom Project

I am moving slow today. Mark took me out last night and we were joined by many of our good friends for a celebration of the big birthday I have coming up. We had a great time, perhaps too great, considering it is 2:30 in the afternoon, and I usually write early in the morning. I was honored that my friends came out and enjoyed the evening with us.

I was so excited when I turned forty years old, because I felt that people would finally take me seriously. I thought the golden door to adulthood, was finally open for me. I still tell people that I believe that when I turned forty, people took me more seriously. I am starting to realize that it is not a magic number that opened that door, it was my inner spirit. How I present myself now is with more confidence and strength. I know what I want in my life and I am determined to live that way. I know now that I always had the keys in my hand, I just never used them. I am not sure what the next decade will bring for me, but I do know that I will remain confident and strong.

I feel fortunate to have made some wonderful life long friends that gather around me and help and guide me. My friends are also there when I screw up to smack me down and set me straight. I have a husband that has grown up with me. We started out young (Him a little younger then me) and we have learned that love can grow, sometimes even bigger then you think your heart can hold. With nurturing, laughter, hard times and fun, we have worked our way into a marriage that I am grateful for everyday. Mark is my very best friend and my one true love. Through him I have learned that there is such a thing as unconditional love. I have also learned that marriage takes work. The kind of hard work that when you are done you can look at the job and know that it was worth all the sweat! The icing on my life’s cake is my children. I love each one the same and differently. Each one of these wonderful girls has a light that shines and brings a wonderful brilliance to our lives together. They are worth every breath I take and they are worth writing about every single day, because they are so special and they complete my life.

I hope that no matter what is put in front of this mom’s door in the days, weeks and years to come that I remember that I have these gifts. I also hope that I remember that there will be many doors that close and it takes just a quick nudge to open a window and keep moving forward. I have everything I need to do that, because I am (if nothing else) one very lucky lady no matter how old I am!

Today’s picture was taken on my fortieth birthday as we celebrated in New Orleans with my parents

Day 159 The Perfect Mom Project

I was thinking today of all the milestones I have had in my life. It is funny to me that the milestones that mean the most to me are the ones that I have had since I had my oldest daughter Ashleigh. I think that once I had Ashleigh and married Mark, my life actually began. The years before that were filled with many stepping stones, but none of them as lasting and as important as the milestones beginning with Ashleigh.


I remember when I had Ashleigh I felt like I had received the greatest gift God could offer me. I use to drive a small car and as I would ride along, I would reach back to the backseat and hold her little hand, wanting to stay connected to her. From the moment she was born, I was determined to be a better Mom then what I had experienced. I wanted to be a good example to her and help her become the best person she could be. I feel I have accomplished that, I hope that I can continue to be successful with the other two girls as well.

I am not sure how I knew that how I was raised was not the “normal” way. I also try to take into consideration that there is no such thing as normal. I know that so many things happened in my early life that somewhere along the line just about anyone could have figured out that this was just not how you raise children. Just what was it that helped me overcome that life and become the wife and mother I am today? I know when it was just Ashleigh and me; it was pure determination, to live in one place so she could grow up with life long friends and also the desire to give her every opportunity I could. Once Mark came into the picture and became a part of our lives, he helped Ashleigh and I learn to laugh more and enjoy ourselves. We learned from Mark that life was something to savor, it was not just work, life could be fun too. Mark was my second major milestone; my other two girls were two more major milestones.

Next week, I will step into another milestone in my life; I will turn fifty years old. I am apprehensive about this milestone. I know that to some fifty represents aging, but I want to turn that around. I know I am older, and getting older everyday, but I hope to make this milestone a beginning. I have warned my family, that I do not want a tombstone cake or anything that represents being fifty as something that is negative. I want to step into this new decade with pride and confidence in the years ahead. I want to show that within this milestone, I am not getting older, I am getting better. The best part is that I will have my trusty sidekick Mark there along with my wonderful children to remind how great my life is, if I get off track. It is obvious to me that God’s gifts did not stop when Ashleigh was born; God has been filling my life now for almost fifty years and I am certain that there are more gifts to come. My children being His gifts, makes me more determined to work at being the perfect (or at least darn close) mom.

Photo: Ashleigh and me 2002

By the way, I will not be going back to this hair style (in the photo) ever again!!

Day 158 The Perfect Mom Project

It’s Not Easy

 by Five for Fighting

I can't stand to fly

I’m not that naive

I'm just out to find

The better part of me

I'm more than a bird: I’m more than a plane

More than some pretty face beside a train

It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry

Fall upon my knees

Find a way to lie

About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd: but don't be naive

Even Heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed: but won't you concede

Even Heroes have the right to dream

It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away: away from me

It's all right: You can all sleep sound tonight

I'm not crazy: or anything:

I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naive

Men weren't meant to ride

With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet

Digging for kryptonite on this one way street

only a man in a funny red sheet

Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.

If you took the words from this song and exchanged the words heroes, men and man with the words moms, and mom you would have my new Mom theme song. As I listened to my middle daughter tell me yesterday that I was not buying the right food or enough food when I went to the store, I tuned her out. I have lost all interest in trying to satisfy her. I explained to her at the time, that she has no idea how hard it is to make menus and grocery lists and on top of that please everyone. Somewhere in all of the list making and grocery shopping each week I die just a little. I feel like I am not now or have I ever truly lived up to my potential, and now, apparently I am not good at grocery shopping. Where will I go from here?

I did tell my wonderful daughter that she was going to make the grocery list and do the grocery shopping this week. I am done being kicked around about the food. Maybe her roaming the store, trying to make the grocery money stretch enough to cover the whole list will be a good lesson. It is not as easy as it looks, and it is not a lot of fun either. Maybe she pictures me jumping on the back of the cart and yelling weeeeeeeee, as I go down each aisle. I know from what she tells me that I also do not listen to her when she gives me suggestions.

Well honey, I QUIT!!

Good luck to you in your new capacity of Family Grocery Guru! I have dreams and goals that do not include grocery shopping, so now is my chance. It really is not easy being a mom.

Day 157 The Perfect Mom Project

It was a silent carpool ride yesterday morning. Avery and I had gotten into a verbal tussle over some papers that she needed signed for school just before we were leaving and we both were angry. According to Avery, I had plenty of time to sign the papers for her. I did not agree. These papers were for the new teachers she has for second semester. She did not give them to me until later in the evening the night before, and she actually tried to hand them to me when I was in the middle of something else. At the time I asked her to put them on the kitchen counter and I would look at them later.


There was a disagreement about what later meant yesterday morning. Avery must consider later to mean “I will jump right up and sign those papers my precious!” and I consider later to mean “When I get a chance I will take care of it, get them out of my face!” This problem with translation led to the silent car ride. Avery was very concerned that the teachers would hold her up in front of the class as an example of a student that did not follow instructions. My feeling is that if the teacher sends something home to have the parents sign, they are usually expecting a small delay. What if I am at work and cannot sign them right away; or possibly out of town. Aly used the example of “What if you were in Peru?” I am not sure where that came from, but it fit as an example none the less.

On the one hand, I want Avery to be conscientious and follow through, and on the other hand, I want her to understand that as a Mom I am not always going to jump up and handle something on her time table. Yesterday after school, I asked Avery three different times to please hang up her coat. It was lying on the bench just inside the back door. The third time I asked her I had to bite my tongue from saying something sarcastic about doing something when someone asked. I hope that my biting my tongue was a sign that I might be cracking open the door to some better mothering skills. I know at that moment I was quite proud of myself!

I know that by the time I get the hang of parenting a pubescent child, I will be in the throws of high school with the girls and all the information I will have on hand will be out dated, so I am going to have to stay on my toes. I cannot let on to my girls that I am making all of my parenting moves up as I go along. In the mean time, my new personal mom rule is, I will sign it when I am darn good and ready… “Excuse me, could you hand me that pen?”

Day 156 The Perfect Mom Project

There we were once again in the middle of the shoe store

arguing about…
you guessed it, shoes!

As Avery climbed in the car yesterday after her first day of the new semester at school, she informed me that her new gym class required that she bring tennis shoes to school. Since we are already struggling with the fact that she basically has no shoes that fit (and she does not EVER see shoes that she likes when we shop for shoes), I was a little on edge about what might happen next. I suggested that since we were already out, we should run to a local discount shoe store to see what they had.

Upon arrival we began our ritual of me pointing out possibilities and Avery shooting them down. After a few minutes she settled on a pair that we had purchased in the past and she tried them on. At first I was thinking “Phew, that was easy!”, and then I realized that these perfectly good $25.00 tennis shoes would go to school the next day and sit in her gym locker. We would be back to where we had started; Avery would still have no shoes. I encouraged her to look around for possibly another pair of shoes. The store was offering a buy one get one half off special and I figured we should take advantage of it; of course there were no other shoes that met with her approval.

I started trying to negotiate with her and reason with her and even brow beat her a little, hoping she would at least reconsider looking thorough the shoes one more time, but nothing worked. Finally I told her that we would have to come back tomorrow and I would bring Aly so that she could choose a pair of shoes, because I did not want to miss this opportunity to get another pair of shoes for half off. It made perfect sense when the thought was rolling around in my head, but when it came out of my mouth, I realized that my idea of bringing Aly back with us did not help me either, Avery still would not have shoes and Aly (whose feet have stopped growing) would then virtually be on her way to a shoe collection.

The sales lady, who had been working in the next row, stepped around the corner and very quietly offered to hold the tennis shoes for us. I am pretty sure she was hoping we would get the heck out of her store. I think that our shoe negotiations were making her very uncomfortable. So we handed her our shoes, she put our name on them and we left, shoeless! I was still screaming in my head as we climbed in the car and that is when Avery turned to me and said, “I hate middle school!” I just looked at her and said “What?” “What are you talking about?” It turns out that Avery is so worried about buying the “wrong shoes” and not fitting in that she is paralyzed when we shop. She knows her style and what she would like to buy, but she also does not want to make a choice that will throw her into the lower part of the middle school food chain. On top of that, up until recently, being the youngest she is has been the bottom rung for hand-me-downs. Now, however she has larger feet then her older sisters and longer legs too. So her shoe and clothing port is shutting down. Not only is she not getting hand-me-downs any more, she has nothing that really fits other then a few items we have purchased recently. Avery feels like a “giagandoor” (her word) and a misfit.

I have asked Avery to find a way to make her not so great tennis shoes work until this weekend, that way we can go out looking for some shoes that she likes and that fit. We will also have more time to look around and find shoes that perhaps will pass through the middle school “cool detector” without a problem. I am still trying to get this parenting thing figured out. My oldest children will tell you that I never cared if they looked “cool”, but that is not true. I have always cared about the cool factor with them too. But my older girls were always a more average/petite size; Avery has my long legs and larger feet. This trait works fine for me now, but it was a huge pain when I was growing up too.

Perhaps I am just relating to her struggle, but what ever it is, she has my attention and I intend to get this shoe thing under control. I cannot take watching her squeeze her feet into these little black boots anymore, and besides she is not allowed to wear them for gym, so I am going to take this little crack in the shoe door and run with it! Wish me luck!!

Day 155 The Perfect Mom Project

I have been avoiding my Great Aunt Nina. I know it sounds harsh to avoid a 92 year old woman that is in a nursing home. It seems like since she decided not to go to the assisted living community, I have been unable to talk to her or see her. I am not angry with her, just extremely frustrated. I have no idea what to say to her. I have talked to her on and off since all of the discussion about the possible move (to an assisted living community), but not everyday like I used to do.


I think part of it is frustration, and part of it is irritation. Mark and I have spent hours and hours trying to make sure she is comfortable and happy for the last three years. When Aunt Nina became angry with me and started speaking to me in sharp rude tones (because I was investigating something positive for her), I was hurt. This was not some crazy scheme I had cooked up to hurt her. I had gone to this particular place, at her request. A couple of her friends had mentioned this community, as well as the nursing home social worker and the home care company coordinator. I was shocked how hurtful she became towards me.

Right now I feel like a creature hiding in my underground home trying to protect myself. I can feel myself emotionally recoiled for protection. I have no idea when this will subside, or if it will. As I spoke to Aunt Nina last week she mentioned she hoped to see me soon, and I made a noncommittal response. I am not sure I want to put myself out there for her to hurt anymore. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation with her Mom, and she has told me that we are all once an adult and twice a child. Meaning that as we age we regress back to a more child like personality. As she told me this, I became defensive. Why should I accept this behavior from my Aunt? She might be 92 and regressing, but that does not mean that I should expect or accept mistreatment.

Her constantly saying I want to die is bugging me too. She has said it enough, that I am wondering if she really just says it for the shock value. I can tell you that she has chosen to live like she does now, sitting in a wheelchair in her nursing home room with no television. She has some visitors including her aide/companion that we hired three years ago when all of this began. She keeps insisting on the choices that she is making, and I have lost interest in helping her do anything else. I do not want to work on something better anymore. I know this sounds heartless, and in some ways it is, because my heart is not in this relationship these days. My heart is hidden away protected. I am not sure that my relationship with my Aunt will ever be the same. I once thought of her as the family voice of reason, and now I think of her as a giant crabby pain in the neck.

I am storing away this feeling and this experience as a lesson. I do not want to cause my family this stress and anxiety when my regression age begins. I want to be open to my family helping me live a full life up until the time God brings me home. Perhaps that is why this has been put in front of me now. Whatever the reason is that this lesson is before me, I just want to move through it and come out the other side. My heart is being one/two punched between my Aunt and my Dad and I feel like a punching bag. I hope that I can hold on and get back to the person I was just a short time ago. I almost feel like filing a missing person report. Missing, one semi good, but not quite perfect Mom!
Please contact the family if you have any information about her where abouts…

Day 154 The Perfect Mom Project

A few weeks ago I bought a birdfeeder. The feeder hangs just outside the window where I write. I just had this strong desire to see the birds. I also liked the idea of feeding them through out the winter. I came home with the feeder filled it with seed and hung it up and then waited. It did not take long for the birds to find my feeder, maybe a couple of days, it was pretty amazing. Obviously with birds you cannot put an ad in the paper or hang up a sign in the front yard that says “bird feeder in the rear”. You just have to wait for birds to figure it out. According to a website I found they do not have a keen sense of smell. It is usually that they are scoping out the neighborhood for food regularly and when they see something that looks like a feeder they check it out. As the feeder draws in the birds it gets more attention and word spreads through out the bird world that there is food near by. We get a 5 star rating by word of beak.

I am not sure why I wanted the feeder so badly, I just liked the idea of looking up from my computer and seeing them flitting about. My cats actually think it is a pretty good idea too. They have enjoyed watching the birds come by for snacks. The only problem is when the cats want to get closer to the birds to say “hello” they slam their heads into the window. All in all it has been a great floor show.

It has been well over 10 years since we were foster parents for a baby Blue Jay. We found it in our garage one summer day. At first we were not sure what to do, but Mark did some investigating into bird rescue and took on raising this bird. We named the bird “Fluffy” and proceeded to bring him up as one of our own.

The crazy thing is that we took Fluffy camping with us. Not just once either, we took him several times. At the time we had a cardboard cat carrier with holes in it that were small enough so Fluffy would not get out, so we would pop him in there and off we would go. We would dig up worms for Fluffy and feed him just like he was our pet. As Fluffy got older we let him have more freedom and he would fly off and then come back for food. We found out later that Fluffy was roaming the neighborhood visiting people, thinking that everyone was friendly like us. Fluffy would land on one neighbor as she was gardening and she would think the bird had gone mad and she would run into her house. Fluffy would also go and sit on neighbors decks as they sat eating dinner or relaxing. Fluffy was also a lover of jewelry, he would land on us as we sat outside and peck at our necklaces or earrings; Mark thought it might be because the jewelry was shiny, but the girls and I got a big kick out of it.

I am not sure what brought Fluffy into our lives, but I do know it has made for some great stories and a lot of laughs. Eventually, Fluffy flew off and joined his other blue jay friends. From time to time as we sit outside in the summer, we will wonder at the blue jays in the yard. Could one of them be Fluffy? Maybe even a Fluffy junior? Who knows, maybe this birdfeeder will bring another bird friend into our lives this summer. The feeder seems to be a big hit with the local birds, so we will just have to wait and see what happens. For now, I am happy to watch through the window and see nature in action.

Day 153 The Perfect Mom Project

Mark and I were talking this morning about black and white. Mark was saying that nothing is black and white; he feels that there are shades of grey in everything. He told me that he does not believe that any one person is all evil. I find this conversation very interesting.


A few years ago I watched a life coach named Rhonda Britten describe black and white and it was a big “Ah Ha” moment for me. She showed that if you believe that everything is all black or all white, you can never see the whole truth. If you allow a little grey in, you can see the truth more clearly. That day I realized that I wanted to live life that way. I wanted to be able to allow the truth into my life even if it meant that I was wrong. I had to be willing to accept that nothing is always the way I see it, sometimes I would have to look through someone else’s eyes and see it their way.

As I have been writing this blog over the last few months, I have started to see my Mom through her own eyes. As I wrote yesterday about that difficult time in our lives, I realized how human my Mom was during that time. I cannot imagine how she made the choices that she made during that time. I do not believe I would make the same choices if I was faced with what she had to face, but I do understand how she was desperate to be there for her sister. There is no black and white in the choices that she had to make; however, I think that for me my child would have been my first priority.

I do not want to spend my life indicting my Mom for every perceived mistake. We are two different people in many ways, yet in other ways I am very much like my Mom. That in its self is a shade of grey. If I condemn her I would have to condemn myself for poor choices I have made. I do hope that as I continue to write over the next few months, I begin to see the grey blossom out of all the black and white between my Mom and me. Somewhere in our story together we created a positive legacy that I would like to think I am passing along to my own children. I hope that at the end of this year I will have written out all the hurt and disappointment and packed it away. All the black and white will finally be gone and all that will be left is a lovely, truthful shade of grey.

Day 152 The Perfect Mom Project

When I was 10 years old, my Aunt Ellie (my Mom’s sister) had a brain aneurism that burst. This was a difficult time in our family. My Aunt lived in Colorado then and my family lived in Michigan. My cousins were young, there were two boys and a girl, the girl was the oldest at 14 or 15 years old. My Aunt had divorced a few years earlier, so she was a single mother, just like my Mom.


At the time I was too young to realize everything that was happening, and why. All I remember was that my Mom was very upset. She really had no money to her name and she wanted desperately to get out to Colorado to be with her sister. I did not understand at the time how very sick my Aunt was or even that she could die, and I do not remember my Mom even talking to me about it. I was just on the outside looking in on a tragedy and did not even know it.

After much discussion my Grandparents (who had flown out there immediately) decided that my Aunt would have surgery and the doctors ended up removing the right side of my Aunt’s brain, which made this once vibrant young woman of 36 years old a quadriplegic. While all this was going on my Mom was scrambling to find a way out to Colorado. I am not sure how she did it, but she ended up with a plane ticket and left one day while I was out to the movies with my Great Uncle Ted (My Great Aunt Nina’s husband). I came home to a note on the table explaining that she was gone and where I would be staying while she was gone. The note said, I would spend the night at home, and her boyfriend of the time would be by late that night to stay with me. The following day I would be taken to stay with some friends of my mothers, two ladies who had a cabin out in the woods near by where we lived.

That night was the night I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend. I know I have mentioned this before, but I had no idea what he was doing at the time, and it was not until later when I did realize the effect that moment had on me. The next day I was taken to her friend’s home and I remained there for at least a month. I do not remember my Mom calling much. Perhaps she did, I was young and I cannot say for sure. What I do remember the most was feeling all alone and unprotected. I had no one.

As I look back now, I am wondering if my cousins were feeling the same way. All of these people rushing in to “help”, but my cousins were still alone, the mother that they knew and loved was gone. I wonder if they felt alone and unprotected too? Even though family was all around them, I wonder if they felt like they had no one too. Isn’t it interesting that here we were on opposite sides of the country, me with no one and them with everyone and we were both probably feeling the very same way. I remember at the time being jealous of my cousins, because they had everyone there. That all the attention was on them and their Mom and I felt like no one cared about me. It makes me sad to think back now and realize how wrong I was and how with a little bit of time and explanation I might have understood better and perhaps have felt my Mom being gone was a positive thing. I just knew one thing, I was all alone. The only difference is that my Mom came back a month later and my cousins never got their Mom back. My grandparents brought my Aunt home with them to care for her (which they did for the next 16 years) and my cousins went to live with their Dad.

As I look back on this, I feel shame and sadness for all of us. I am not sure if the tables were turned what I might do, but I have to think that I would explain to my children what was happening and they would be empathetic and caring. I am ashamed now that I felt jealous of my cousin’s tragedy. I was too young to understand that the attention they were receiving was something they would have willingly traded to have their Mom back. I am also sad that now I realize that even though my Mom was not a great Mom or even a very good mother, she was in my life, which was something that my cousins did not have.

I guess sometimes it is all about perspective. You look at someone else’s life, and you think they have it made and then later you find out things about them or the life that they lived and you realize maybe, you did not have it so bad after all. That is something I will be pondering today. Maybe, I will even talk to my kids about that. I just want to make sure that history never has to repeat it’s self. I also want to make sure that my children always know that I love them, no matter what life puts in front of us.

Todays photo is of my Aunt Ellie with my cousins and Grandaddy, that is me in the background (that's ironic isn't it?)

Day 151 The Perfect Mom Project

Oh where oh where has Ragen gone,

Oh where oh where can she be?

I am feeling like I am not there today, kind of foggy, and kind of crabby too. I have been trying to keep myself out of this all week. I could feel it coming and I could not stop it. I feel unimportant and underappreciated by everyone! There are so many people with expectations of how I should be to them and for them.

I have an elderly Great Aunt who just wants to die and she is doing everything she can to be miserable. Everything we try to do to make her life pleasant and comfortable she does not want. She is annoyed if I don’t call and then she is annoyed when I don’t visit, yet when I do call or I do visit she compares me to all the other people that call her or visit. We have kept her in a nursing home near where she lived, she likes it there and it is easy for her friends to get to. It is a 40 minute drive both ways for me. I never tell her that, because I do not want to use that as an excuse, but I do have a hard time jumping in the car and using my time and gas so that I can be aggravated and unappreciated!

My Dad has made choices that have been very painful for me. I am beyond the red line on the Hurt-O-Meter. How do you continue to care about someone that has no regard for your thoughts or feelings? How do I continue to be the person that I know I am when I am faced with such open disregard for my feelings? It has been obvious in my conversations with my Dad that he has absolutely no idea that he is hurting me, and if he does know that he is, he just does not care. That is the most obvious, he just does not care. I know that he is terminally ill, and I want to get to a place where I can let this go and forgive him, but I am truly struggling with that.

I have family that wants our family to be with them on Christmas Day, and they are unwilling to understand our side of the holidays and what we need for our family too. We have to accommodate the needs of our family as we all grow and change and the only way to do that is to change how we do our Christmas. I feel we are being judged and treated rudely, because we will not back down on this. My children feel this discomfort and it is making them feel badly. Recently there were some comments made in front of my younger girls, the girls told Mark and me later, that it made them very uncomfortable. I wish that we could talk about this and come to an understanding, but after several years of this frustration, I am just hurt and angry, and I am guessing that that is how our family feels too. When does this end? When do we call a truce?

Now as I write this I am fuming because, Avery came down to ask me what shoes I thought she should wear tomorrow on a bus trip for school. I told her I thought she should wear her tennis shoes. She said “No, I want to wear my boots!” (You know the ones; they are the fashion boots that are too small for her). Here we were once again in a debate of “Why did you ask me, if you already know what you want to wear?” I feel like screaming and running out of here, I am so aggravated! I am pedaling this mothering bike as fast as I can and I am still stuck in this same spot. Agggghhh!

I need a break in this storm, some peek of sunshine. I need to find myself and be happy but I feel like I keep getting the one, two punch. I am not sure what today will bring, but I am sure that something has to give and quick. I can only take so much and then like a whale at sea, I blow! I had to warn Avery that this was not a good day to be pushing my buttons, and warned her to high tail it upstairs for her own safety. Fortunately she took me seriously. I think that today will be a tough day in the trenches of perfect mothering.

Day 150 The Perfect Mom Project

I had a great conversation with Avery yesterday. She has been avoiding shopping for items that she desperately needs and I had reached my limit. She is wearing fashion boots that are too small for her and she does not want to shop for new ones. It is so bad it is bordering on the old Japanese tradition of foot binding. She has also grown out of her winter coat and when I suggested last week that she wear her nice dress coat instead she told me that “No one wears coats like that at school Mom!” I know that she is right, but since she will not shop, I do not know what choice we have! I called her as I was out shopping with Ashleigh the other day (she refused to come along) to tell her that I saw a coat I thought she would like, and she told me I should buy it. I told her I was not going to do it because it would be enabling her and I refuse to do that anymore. It is one thing to pick up something here and there, it is quite another when you to do all the shopping without your daughter participating.


As we sat in the car talking yesterday afternoon, things came to a head. Avery shared with me that she has a hard time shopping when Aly is with us. They are different types of shoppers and the two styles do not always mesh. She also helped me see that my style of harping on the fact that she will not shop makes her want to shop even less. It is actually quite shocking to me that I have a daughter that does not like to shop! How could this happen? It is my all time favorite thing to go out and poke through all the clearance racks and find an awesome deal on a spectacular item! How could anyone not like doing that?

I think what I really heard the most as she talked with me yesterday is that she wants to shop with just me, but on her terms. She does not like it that I have her try on things she does not take an instant like to on the hanger. I did share with her the success we have had doing that, but she still felt strongly about my pushing things my way. I also heard that my little girl isn’t so little anymore and she knows who she is, and she wants me to know her that way too.

I gave her an assignment as we sat in the car, I asked her to cut out pictures of looks that she likes and items she would wear, so I can get to know her style better. She has actually embraced the idea and last night she ran with my idea and took it up a couple of notches and she is now creating a power point with her ideas in it. I look forward to seeing it. I think it will be exciting to see what she likes and what her style is. I look forward to helping her create the girl she wants to be. I will just have to be aware that this is not always going to be the style I would choose for my “baby girl”, but it is the style that my daughter that is “trying to grow up” wants for herself. This is where my good and perfect mothering skills will need to kick in, because I know this will not be easy!

Day 149 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday afternoon my sister called. She had talked to my Dad’s new wife and the news was not good. She called to share with me what she had heard. My Dad has been put on a stronger Chemo regime; the hope was it would slow what is a very active cancer. A couple of weeks ago the decision was made to up the Chemo when some new lumps were discovered on his other hip. As the new wife (that phrase is very difficult for me to use) spoke with my sister she told her that they had just discovered more lumps under his arms yesterday. We both feel this is not a good sign and wonder when Dad will decide to stop the treatments.


I feel like I am letting him down by not being more optimistic. I know his words are full steam ahead, damn the torpedoes, but I wonder what his heart is truly saying. My Dad is not someone who will ever let his guard down. It is rare that he lets on that he has a weakness, or that he even needs help with anything. Even when he was caring for my Mom, I had said that I felt we should talk about what was going on with my Mom and what we could do, and he had told me it was none of my business. He always holds his cards close to his vest and shares very little. I am suspicious that he might not be telling us everything that he knows about his condition.

Within all the struggles I have had with his choices and decisions the last few months, stands a small voice telling me to be open hearted and kind. Despite all that I am feeling, I still should be caring and concerned. If I turn by heart and my back on my Dad now, what will it buy me? What do I get out of being hurtful and distant? I know that I cannot go back and change any of the things that have happened in the last few months, although I truly wish I could. My reality is that I have more to consider here then just my Dad. I have my children who are struggling with all of this and I also have my sisters, who while they are not my blood relatives, they are part of the life I have been living and I need them as much as I hope they need me.

In the next month or so, we are going to know more about how this new treatment is working for my Dad and I hope that it slows the Cancer down for him. But my biggest prayer is that I can keep my heart open. I owe that to my children and my sisters. I still struggle with what I owe my Dad; the hurt does not seem to be dissipating. I will have to continue to listen to that small voice inside of me and pray that I am doing the right thing for myself as well as my Dad.

Todays photo is from a visit with my parents in 2005

Day 148 The Perfect Mom Project

I am in a funk. Its not depression, I have had plenty of that in the past and I know the difference. It feels like I have extra weight in my feet and some kind of sludge in my heart, and my brain is processing more slowly. When I speak, I feel like I am not saying what I mean. I feel like it would be best if I just sit quietly until this funk passes.


I have been in this funk for about a week or so. I am able to keep going it has not caused me to give up carpools or Taxi rides. I have still done laundry and cleaned my house but in the middle of it all I feel like I am searching for myself. I had several opportunities last week to meet with girlfriends and each time I would walk away wishing I had not said this or that, or that I had maybe even just sat more quietly and observed. I can feel that my mind is working on something, and I just do not know what it is.

Yesterday as my girls prepared to spend the afternoon with their Grandparents (Mark’s Mom and Dad), they started their fashion show for us, you know the one where they ask us if what they are wearing is OK, and then yell at us when we say “not really”! Once again, even though I know the drill I fell into the trap. But instead of just dealing with it and moving on, I was caught in the grip of anger and could not let it go. I was not upset, I was angry! It was inappropriate anger for what was going on, and I knew it. I was hearing myself being angry and saying angry things, and I kept wanting to stop and couldn’t. I was just stuck in this place and not able to get out.

As I look outside this morning, the weather is projecting what I am feeling inside. No real commitment to any weather pattern, just cold, dark and gray. I want out, I need out of this, but what will it take? I am spending the day with Ashleigh, Aly and Avery today. We are going to do some shopping and relaxing together. I am hoping that maybe this down time with no real agenda will help snap me out of this, but since I do not know what has snapped me into it I can only wait and see if it works. One thing is for sure. I always enjoy time with my girls…as long as they do not ask me “How do I look?”

Day 147 The Perfect Mom Project

One of the things I love the most about having more then one child is watching the sibling dynamics at work. Having been an only child, I depend on Mark (he has 3 sisters and a brother) to tell me about siblings and how they tick. Mark was the one that pulled me off the ledge when I was upset that the girls were fighting. My fantasy was that if I had a sibling, we would skip merrily along all the time. He was the one that told me that siblings fight and sometimes they are mean to each other. I was shocked; I was not going to have children like that. My children would always love each other and never fight!

Well, I am slapped in the face by reality almost everyday. It amazes me the things these girls will get mad at each other about, “You opened my door without my permission!” or “I have homework, you have to get off the computer”. Ashleigh (my oldest) has been mad for a good 10 years, because one of her sisters chucked a Lego at her in the car when we were on a family trip. I still hear about that every time we talk about another car trip. Ashleigh has sworn off car trips now and she insists that her 3 year old sister knew exactly what she was doing and intended great bodily harm. This is not at all what I dreamed of when I dreamt about having siblings.

I also never expected that each one of my children would be different from the other. It is amazing how three people can come from the same family and be so different. I have to say though, as different as they each are, they are also alike in many ways too. My children all have big hearts and will do just about anything for anyone that needs help. They each have their own sense of humor, they are able to laugh easily and they can laugh at themselves. I am also proud that they are loving children that try hard to be respectful (come on no kid can be respectful all the time!) most days.

Reality is that you cannot live with anyone 24/7 and not have some conflict. My fantasy siblings most probably would have driven me nuts too. Even now with the siblings that I have been adopted into there are conflicts. I am happy that I know the truth, I can stop beating myself up because my kids fight or disagree. I also know that the conflicts do not last long. It is common for the girls to be done fighting and me still hopping mad about the whole thing. I am just glad that they have each other. It may not seem like a big deal to them right now, but someday it will be nice to have someone that knows all about their crazy Mom and they can all talk about it and laugh together. If nothing else, this will help make the sibling dynamics worth every minute.

Day 146 The Perfect Mom Project

The house is quiet this morning. Mark is still sleeping and both girls are spending the night with girlfriends. I need to spend this time this morning sipping my coffee and thinking. I have so many things spinning around in my head and I need some time to sort them all out.


I stumbled across this picture this morning of a frog relaxing in the water fall of our pond. As I looked at the photo I was thinking how contemplative the frog looked and wondered what he might be thinking about, or even trying to sort out. I don’t think that humans are the only ones that have worries and concerns. I am certain that every creature must times when they have to stop and think and even regroup a little. Perhaps the frog was just happy to be feeling the cool water flowing around him, grateful to have a few moments of quiet and calm.

That is me this morning. I grateful for this time of calm and quiet and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. I think I will warm up my coffee, grab a book and sit in my comfy chair with a blanket. Mark gave me a book for Christmas called “Everyone’s Normal Until You Get To Know Them” by John Ortberg. I think that today would be a good day to start that book. He tells me I asked for this book for Christmas, but I am not so sure. Regardless, I will spend a little time reading, relaxing and sipping coffee on this quiet morning. I hope to feel like the frog in the pond on a lazy summer day.

Day 145 The Perfect Mom Project

I think we are back to good health here at the house. Avery is up and she is getting ready for school. She did a lot of sleeping yesterday, which worked out well, because when I called the doctor yesterday, I was told he was off this week. I went back and forth about whether or not to take her to urgent care, and decided against it. It was not urgent, it was just a case of an over protective Mom.


That’s how it works when you are a Mom; you just fly by the seat of your pants. There is no “How to be a Mom for Dummies” book. There are a lot of opinions about parenting out there, and a lot of books about what others think you should do, but when it is all said and done, you are still just doing what you think you should do, right or wrong. I know a lot is based on how you were raised. I am always working to not raise my children the way I was raised, which I think is a good choice. I know others that are raising their children the way they were raised, which I think is also a good choice. There is no hard and fast rule.

I remember when my oldest daughter Ashleigh was born. I was taught at the hospital (before I brought her home) to put her on her tummy to sleep. By the time I had Aly, they (the hospital) were telling me that the tummy was unsafe and to make sure I put her on her side to sleep. I think you just have to listen to what the “experts” think and say and then try to fit that into the life you live, if the idea works, great, if not try out ideas from another “expert”.

Today, I will throw caution to the wind and just do what I always do, wing it. I am no expert obviously, but I think I do try my very best each and everyday. I will be curious to see how it all plays out when my kids have children of their own though. Will they try my style of parenting (that’s scary!) or do their own thing? Only time will tell, but I am looking forward to watching this whole circle of life play out. Perhaps there will be a new generation of perfect mom want-to-be’s.

Day 144 The Perfect Mom Project

Avery is telling me she is not feeling well this morning. Welcome to the fine line, Ragen...

How do you decide whether or not to let what seems like a perfectly healthy child stay home from school? She does not have a temperature, she is just very tired. I do not see anything in particularly wrong with her, so what do I do? My gut tells me send her to school, but my heart is saying awwww, poor baby, let Mommy take care of you. I know Avery loves school and I am certain that she is not trying to pull a fast one and skip school, so what will it hurt to let her stay home today. So, I guess we have a decision, phew! Honestly, she had been complaining about being tired for over a week, so it is probably a good idea to get her to our doctor and have her checked out. Next week is Midterms at school and she will need to be healthy and alert for those.

I am not a doctor, although I like to diagnose myself and my family members all the time. It is so hard to know when to keep the kids home, when to get the doctor involved and when to say “Go to school”. You run a risk with each decision. If you keep them home they could spend the whole day watching TV and just hanging out, the child is fine, just not up to going to school. You could take them to the doctor, spending your hard earned money to find out they have nothing wrong except a parent that fell for their (“I don’t feel good”) line. If you send them to school you could be sending your child to spread germs to all the unsuspecting teachers and students. This is a lot of pressure for an average Mom.

I have decided to keep Avery home and take her to the doctor today. I am going to hit the ball out of the park with my parenting decisions. I will do both just to cover myself. I know a few years ago, I kept putting Aly off when she was complaining about being tired and it turned out she had Mononucleosis. Now, that was a very uncomfortable parenting moment! So, today I will take no chances, and cover every base. That is probably what a good and perfect Mom would do. Do not be fooled, this parenting stuff is not for sissies!!

Today’s photo is Avery at 2 years old.

Day 143 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday, as I sat writing my blog, Avery came downstairs and stood at the bottom of the stairs looking at me. She kind of put her arms out in a way that seemed like she was asking “What do you think?” I looked at what she was wearing and tilted my head in a curious, questioning way, certain that I was about to step right into some land mines. Her immediate reaction was “Thanks! My Mom says I look STUPID!”


First of all, as I have mentioned before, I might not be a perfect Mom, but I am bright enough to know you do not tell your daughter she looks stupid. Secondly, I did not say a word, I just tilted my head! I do not like even responding to the “How do I look?” question, because I know (from asking that question myself) that you already do not like what you are wearing and part of you wants to be convinced it looks good and the other part of you is upset that the person does not like what you are wearing. There is no way out with this question. You are toast! At some point you have to just keep quiet and let the person asking figure it out on their own.

I used to get so upset when I would put on an outfit that I had figured out in my head earlier and then once on discovered it was hideous. I would still have to ask someone (usually Mark) if it looked OK. Poor Mark, he wanted so badly to say the right thing, but he never knew at the time that no matter what he said it would not help. I think he has figured it out, because when one of the girls asks me how they look now, he cringes, because he knows that I will answer. Even though I know how all this works, I keep trying.

I am not sure if I will ever get it right, I want so badly to help my girls feel confident and cute when they head out to school. Somehow I think that if I give them fashion advice, they will be delighted and we will have a special mother/daughter moment. This actually only happens once in a great while. The rest of the time I am standing in the light of the train heading my way and do not see it until it hits me! I would like to tell you that when that happens it was a learning moment for me, but that would be a lie. I continue to step on to the tracks every single time.

Today Aly asked me for help with her hair before she left for school. I told her I would as long as she did not yell at me. After a couple of swipes with the curling iron she said, “That’s OK Mom, I will finish it”. Well, I was brushed off like a piece of dandruff, but at least she did not yell at me! I guess some days, when you are raising girls, you have to look to find a bright side.

Day 142 The Perfect Mom Project

This is a crazy week. It is a good crazy, not a bad crazy, but crazy none the less.

Today I will have lunch with my sisters. We will meet about two hours from where I live and have lunch and visit and eventually I am sure we will talk about my Dad. I am looking forward to our visit, but not looking forward to talking about my Dad. This will not be an easy conversation. I am still feeling very angry about the “new wife” and I cannot even bring myself to call him. One of my sisters suggested that I just call and talk about my kids and what they have going on, but I am not sure I can even do that right now.

In the last couple of weeks, both of the younger girls have had situations where they have heard about lung Cancer at school. Avery came home last week and told me how difficult health class was, because they were talking about smoking and lung Cancer in her class. She was upset because she knew her Papa was sick with lung Cancer, but now she has seen what it looked like and she was devastated. Then yesterday Aly climbed into the car when I picked her up after school and she told me how upsetting it had been in her Choral class when the teacher discussed good lung heath for your voice and the subject of the throat, esophagus and lungs came up and then of course, Cancer.

I have tried to explain to both girls that Papa is fighting a battle with Cancer. The doctors have told him he will most likely die from Cancer; it is just a matter of when. The hard part; is in the middle of all of this they have seen and met some of the bad choices he has made. They feel like they suddenly do not matter, and I have no way to explain it away. They received cards from him for Christmas and they were signed by his new wife, and along with her name she signed them “Poppa” not Papa, this really upset them. Aly’s card had her name spelled wrong, which is another mistake my dad would not have made. They feel like she is not a part of what they know and they are hurt. I did tell Aly I thought it was amazing that he thought of them even though he is so sick.

In the middle of all of this, my oldest daughter has received nothing for Christmas, and she is hurt too. My Dad sent Ashleigh a doll (my Mom made when she was little) for her birthday last September, and Ashleigh was (and still is) trying to recover from my Mom’s passing. She felt at the time that considering that he was seeing someone else when my Mom was still alive, he was punching her in the stomach. She has not been able to acknowledge she even received the gift and my Dad is hurt. I tried to explain to him that she is still struggling with all of this, but he does not understand. So, I guess his way of dealing with it is to hurt her some more and not send her anything for Christmas.

I am not sure how to explain to my children why all of this is happening. I just know that I have to prepare them for the fact that he is going to die. When he goes, we cannot dwell on his mistakes, we have to think about what our life with him brought to us. I do think that in every relationship we have we are part of God’s plan. Sometimes it is us that will learn and grow and sometimes we are the ones that are touching someone else’s life. Whatever the plan is we are a part of it.

Today, I will enjoy my time with my sisters and reflect on that time and joy. Somewhere in this day there will be a chance to reflect on all that has happened and find a piece of hope, something that I can share with my girls, to help them understand this journey and help it make some sense.

Day 141 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday, I remembered that when I was little, my Mom had taken me to a restaurant called Stouffers for my birthday. I am not sure how many times we did this for my birthday, but I am sure that it was more then once. I also remember all the fuss that was made. I found a photo that shows me with a corsage and my hair curled, wearing a fancy dress. My Mom is dressed up to. I remember going to Stouffer’s for dinner and they would always bring me a yummy birthday treat and a small gift. In my mind I can see the little pearl necklace that I received one year.


As I remembered all of these things, I remembered how special I felt on those days. I know that I was a difficult child for my Mom, but somehow on these occasions, I was a “good girl” and felt especially loved. Perhaps, that is why I always have such high expectations on my birthdays and holidays. When I was a child I became a VIP on these days and it felt wonderful. I would suddenly be pulled from the “bad girl” section and be thrust forward into the light of the “good girls”. I loved that feeling of being special and “good”. It would never last long; I would always do something to ruin my new standing as a good girl. I was a very mouthy little child that did not feel safe or important. I am sure now, looking back that it was just my way of trying to get attention, but I know it was very hard on my Mom.

I have three children and each one is different, but they all have had a shot at doing or saying something hurtful. I cannot imagine loving them any less, or treating them any differently because of that. I am starting to realize that my Mom did the best she could with the knowledge she had about parenting. I know my Grandma was not the best example of good parenting either. I also know that my Mom was always her own first priority. I will never know for sure why my childhood played out the way it did, but I do know that I am working hard not to repeat the past. I do stumble here and there and say or do things with my girls that I wish I could take back, but over all I work hard not to make these mistakes.

I hope that when my girls look back they will see that they were important every single day. I love the holidays and birthdays, but I also love all seven days of the week with my girls. Each one brings a laugh bubbling out of me or a tear to my eye by just being the wonderful people that they are. I want them to remember the special times, but more important I want them to remember the less important moments when we were sitting on the deck talking, or shopping or even just watching a movie together, because these are the threads that will weave the important moments into our memories and they will be the most important in the end.

Day 140 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday was a fun day! There was a surprise 50th birthday party for a good friend of mine. It was fun to ride to the party with my other girlfriends and laugh and chat about the surprise and how we almost blew it by saying something to our friend, or how we had avoided her at different points, because we were afraid we would blow it. The party was put on by her Mom and Dad and it was great to see the family and friends that poured into the room to celebrate our dear friend.

She was truly surprised when she arrived, that made all the sneaking around and almost spilling the beans all the sweeter, because we helped pull off a fun event in her honor and caught her off guard to boot! This friend of ours is a gentle spirit that is always working to make sure everyone is happy. She is at times the one who wears the devil horns and gets us into situations we did not plan on, and then other times she is the calm in the storm of your life. I do not think I have ever heard anyone say anything unkind about her. She is a giant walking heart.

As I watched her family and friends around her I was amazed at how loved she was. She has a gift of friendship that everyone feels and wants to be near. At one point during the day, (because her Mom had pulled this party together), someone near me said, “There is nothing like the love between a Mother and her daughter.” At first when I heard that I went to a dark place and I was sad that I did not have that. I had never had that with my Mom. She would never have done anything like this party for me, and we never had this kind of “love”. On the other side of that though, I do have that with my own daughters and seeing how special this time was for my friend, I would want to help my children celebrate the mile stones in their lives. Especially since I just said yesterday, that it is important to celebrate those special moments in your life, no matter what they are.

Today, I am celebrating the quiet. Ashleigh and Scott have headed home for the weekend and then they will be going to a hotel next week. Mark and the girls are still sleeping, still trying to recover from the holidays and all the late nights, I guess. It is just me and my thoughts, and of course, my DS with its new game that I love playing all the time. I hope that once they are all up, we can just relax. I have been running all week, and next week is the same way I have something everyday next week! I like being busy, but I am so emotionally charged right now that I am not enjoying it. I am fighting the desire to run away and hide somewhere. I hope that a little down time today with no decision making might help recharge me just a little. I can only hope! I will also be remembering the great time with good friends and the surprise on my girlfriends face; it was a moment to remember! Happy Birthday Girlfriend!! You Rock!!

Day 139 The Perfect Mom Project

About three days ago I went to visit an assisted living community. After my Aunt Nina said that she wanted to go home I had contacted the care company that employs her aide and also the social worker at the care facility she is at now. Everyone has told me she needs full time care if she goes home, but for some reason she cannot get this through her grey haired head! I thought I would check out this assisted living community to give a positive option to the nursing home. She really does not need all the care she is receiving there at the nursing home, but she does need someone available to her at all times.


Both the care company and the social worker recommended the assiated living place I went to, on top of the fact that one of her friends suggested it, because it was only five minutes from her friend’s house. I felt that since everyone had suggested it without me mentioning this particular place to any of them, that that was a good sign. Off I went…it was beautiful! Everything about it was wonderful; the place was clean, quiet and homey. The staff was dressed in everyday clothing, not uniforms and everyone greeted me warmly. As they took me on the tour, I knew that this was “THE” place, but I also knew that Aunt Nina would not go for it. I set it up so that her aide/companion could bring her over for lunch the next day; I wanted her to at least see another option.

She did not like it, no shock to me really, but I was disappointed. I had hoped I would be wrong and she would love it. She had a long list of (stupid) reasons why she did not like it there, “The lighting is insufficient” or “it was too nice” and my favorite “I would never come out of my room”. She is just not willing to do anything to make her last little bit of time on this earth better and enjoyable. She even said a couple of times, “I just want to die”. I tried to explain to her that she will be here for a while longer and that she did not get to pick when she will go. Now, she has decided to stay at the more expensive nursing home. At first I was hurt and frustrated; I really did not know what to say to her. She has started being short and snippy with me and I feel unappreciated for what Mark and I have done for her for the last three years. It also feels like she is blaming me because she needs full time care. Of course, Mark is still wonderful.

Honestly, my emotional plate is pretty full right now. Trying to please her is obviously not working, so I have decided to just do what I need to do to keep her comfortable and not worry about it anymore. I am tired of her throwing her complaints in my face when she is not willing to do anything to make her life better. I cannot let her inability to move forward in her life affect the life I have. Just because she is 92, does not mean that life and joy have to stop, that was her decision. She will have to live with that choice. I am only responsible for the everyday workings of her life, not her emotional life. Obviously, she does not want my help with that.

I have always told the kids to celebrate every moment they can. There are numerous opportunities to celebrate and these times are what make every other day livable! I wish I could help Aunt Nina see that each day holds another opportunity for joy and happiness, but she can only see that her husband and daughter have passed on and she feels she has nothing left to live for. I disagree with her, but I cannot change her or her feelings. That is too bad, because I would love to hand her some happiness, but I know she will not take it.

I will take this handful of happiness and share it with my family today. I want to use it to help them see that life is not over until God says so, in my opinion, that means we are expected to keep working at it until he calls us home. I am certain that is what we are supposed to do and I intend to help my children see that, so that they can squeeze every drop out of each day they have!

Day 138 The Perfect Mom Project

We finally have snow! So far this winter we have had dustings of snow, but nothing substantial. Yesterday the snow started to fall and it just kept coming. By 5:30 PM last night we had a good 3 inches, and it was still coming. Even now early in the morning it is coming down a little. My girls will deny it, but they love snow. They get so excited when it snows for a variety of reasons.


The first reason is that if it keeps coming and it gets bad enough, the district will cancel school. I am a huge snow day lover! I just love going in and telling them to turn off their alarms. I also love sitting quietly as they sleep watching the snow and the fire in the fire place. There is something very peaceful about that time. It is actually very cute all the things that the kids have come up with to help a snow day happen. First you must wear your pajamas inside out. Then you sleep with a spoon under you pillow. Avery informed me last night to really make it stick; you should do some special dance and then flush an ice cube down the toilet too. That is when I said “Just GO to bed”. Sadly, there is school today and I have heard from Avery how disappointed she is, as much as she loves school she loves sleeping in more.

As we waited for Mark to get home from his long stressful drive in the snow last night, Aly decided that she wanted to go out and shovel the driveway. I was so impressed. She got on all her snow clothes and off she went. After a good 45 minutes I was done getting dinner ready and I went out to help her. She had done a good deal of the driveway before I got out there and I helped her finish it up. We marveled at how quiet it becomes when it snows; the snow does an amazing job of sound proofing. As it comes down you can almost hear it saying “Shhhhhhh”. It was nice to spend that time with Aly working together and playing in the snow.

Later after Mark was home safe and sound and we had dinner the girls decided to go out and sled. They had a great time in the dark playing in the snow. It was so nice to see them hanging out together and not fighting! The evening went so fast, the girls came in and were reading and relaxing and suddenly I was looking at the clock and saying to them “time to get ready for bed!” I know it seems crazy to be telling these girls that are in high school and 8th grade, that it is time for bed, but if I do not stay on them they stay up reading in their room and wake up crabby. I consider my telling them to go to bed protection against a possible crabby attack in the morning.

This morning we are moving more quietly as Avery and I prepare for the day. It feels like we are trying to respect the silence that the snow brought us last night. We are talking in hushed tones and it feels almost reverent. I like this quietness and I am going to try to hold on to it. I may take a little longer to get ready today. I will move slower and possibly rest a while by the fire. I need this inner peace right now. I can still hear the snow saying “shhhhhhhh.”

Day 137 The Perfect Mom Project

I need to go to the grocery store. I just went, and I have to go back. Agh, is all I can think. I cannot think of any good dinner ideas, and it is bugging the heck out of me. Mark and I shopped on Sunday and then the girls and I went to a local produce store yesterday for salad stuff and today, I am back to square one.


This is not good news for someone that has been in cooking and grocery shopping limbo. My brain is refusing to think like a good wife and mother should think. All I keep thinking is…I don’t want to go. I am not thinking that in a calm and to the point way either, I am thinking I don’t want to go in a whiney way. Agh!! I seem to get little spurts of cooking and shopping interest, and then they are gone. I think I have only 3 good meals per week in me and then I am done. My interest wanes and my energy drops. I do not see why anyone needs more then 3 dinners a week anyway.

I am going to plod back upstairs in a few minutes and try to come up with a plan for dinner tonight. I have had some suggestions, but nothing is in the final planning stages yet. Perhaps I will be more motivated after I thumb through a cookbook or two. We shall see. I am a little nervous; this whole attitude problem could ruin my shot at PMH (perfect motherhood) status. I will just have to trust that you will keep this little slip up to yourself.

Day 136 The Perfect Mom Project

We have house guests. Ashleigh and Scott are working in an area near where we live and they are staying with us so they do not have to leave home at 3:30 in the morning to get to work. They both work for the same company, Scott has worked there for many years and Ashleigh started working there in college. Ashleigh only works on certain jobs, so she was just called in to help with this one. They also brought along my favorite Grand dog, Louis.
It has only been about three days and things seem to be going well. I really am not worried about them being here, and I know they are frustrated, because they thought it would only be a couple of nights, but I am glad we can help them out. I am glad they are here, because I know that they are safe and not driving the winter roads in the early morning or dark night. I am not sure how long they will be here, but as long as they need us, we will be here for them.
We really do not see them that much. They leave for work at 5:00 AM and return usually around 7:30 or 8:00PM. It is hard work in a rough (mainly for Ashleigh, since it is all men) environment. They both work for a deconstruction company and right now with the economy; they take any job that comes along. Scott is the superintendent of the job, and Ashleigh is the coordinator. She works inside in the office. I am proud of them both, because I know they are hard workers and they do a great job.
I know they are worried about stepping on our toes and taking advantage, and we are worried about them not having privacy. Somehow, we will make this work. Mark pointed out to me as we were grocery shopping the other day that I was fussing over what my Son-in-law likes or does not like, trying to make sure that I had what he wanted. Mark said to me “You would never do that for one of your own kids, why are you doing that for him”. “If your own kids told you they prefer rotini pasta to spaghetti, you would say, to bad!” Hmn, good point! I am not sure why. And with that the jig was up! Now I am on guard for my favoritism. I suppose that part of it was that I love my Son-in-law very much. He has a good heart and tries hard to make my daughter happy. Since she is the fruit of my loin, I know that some days it is not an easy task. Mark would say she is very much like her mother and probably pat Scott on the back and say something like “Good luck!”

We shall see how all this plays out over time, but for now it seems like it is going OK and I would like to keep it that way. Over all, I am to busy to be in their face to much, and they are never here, so it seems like a win, win. Only time will tell. But quite honestly, I am confident that a perfect mom would have her children move in with her if they needed to, so I think I am on the right track!

Day 135 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday I was poking around on Facebook. You know the social site that has swept the nation? People look up old friends and reconnect. You can also chat with your friends online there. I have reconnected with quite a few people from my past, as well as having fun staying connected to the friends I already have. Mark and I originally joined Facebook because Aly wanted to join Facebook and we wanted to make sure that it was a safe internet site for her. While I was on there I took a quiz “What is your Old Lady name?” There are several of these quizzes everyday, and I know they mean nothing, but they are fun. It turns out; my “Old Lady” name is OPAL. Here is how they described Opal;


[You are one sassy senior! You're outspoken and independent, the life of every senior center function. Sure, you may be a bit racy, but somehow that only seems to make people like you more. One wiggle of your good hip, and all the old men come a-runnin' (very slowly and carefully, perhaps with a nurses assistance.]


I hope that when the time comes, that is the truth! After dealing with all of the issues with my Aunt Nina, I truly hope that I do not give up and make life difficult for the people trying to care for me. She told me over the weekend she hopes she does not live to see another Christmas. She refuses to have a radio or TV in her room and she does not want us to bring anything in that would make her more comfortable at the care center, and now, she wants to go home. I do not think so!


The hard part is that I get it; she wants to be in her own home with her own things. She wants to be in the house she shared with her husband. She wants to feel independent, but she is not. She talks a good game. She can convince you that she feeds herself and walks around on her own and even dresses herself, then you ask someone and you find out that she is not doing all of those things. She is sharp, I will give her that? She prides herself on her memory; she also can be down right mean. If she is unhappy with something I am saying or doing she will say, “I am sorry I am a burden”.


Here is the thing, she is not a burden, but she can be a big pain. She expects a lot for services that Mark and I volunteer to do for her. She is not willing to give an inch, but we must bend over backwards to please her. The problem is we are becoming disgruntled! We are feeling like we are not appreciated and we are getting tired of playing the “How do we help Aunt Nina, without her knowing what we are doing” game. We are constantly calling people and coordinating things for her that she does not even realize we are doing. We use our own time and gas and do not expect reimbursement.


Yesterday, when I called Aunt Nina, she told me that a friend (her ex Son-in-law’s girlfriend, weird I know) was looking into an assisted living facility for her. I stayed calm, (considering I had been on the phone looking into things for her and about her during the day) and told her that she needed to tell her “friend” that I was taking care of it and that it was not necessary for her to do that. I also expressed to her that if she preferred this “friend” to handle this stuff that was fine, but let me know. Think about it, I have had attorneys working with us, social workers and care coordinators for the last three years and in walks the “friend" and now she is running around doing Aunt Nina’s bidding? I do not think so! Who the heck is this person, and why is she doing this?


Do not dink around with me! Mark and I (and some of our friends) have put time and energy into a lot of things for Aunt Nina since the day her daughter passed away three years ago. I am pretty sure we can handle this. It may not be in the time frame she wants, or even exactly how she wants it, but the job gets done. As I prepare to get back on the phone today to investigate more information for my Aunt, and also to do banking for her, I will try to remain calm and not let my aggravation shine through.


I sincerely hope that I am a sassy senior. One that is willing to live a full life up until it is time for me to leave my earthly bindings. I do not want to skimp on one minute of the life I have. I owe it to myself and to the people (most likely my children) that are caring for me to be as involved as I can. One thing is for sure though; I will not be wiggling my hips at any men. I have the best man here with me, and I do not want to mess up a good thing!

Todays Photo is of a young Aunt Nina

Day 134 The Perfect Mom Project

I have an announcement to make…Avery has cleaned her room! I will sneak in there after she leaves for school and get a picture of it, I am so proud! This was not her usual shove it in the closet cleaning either; it was filling bags with clothes that do not fit and getting rid of all the junk. Her room looks amazing, I am one proud Momma!

Yesterday we took the girls out to breakfast and as we were finishing up we laid out our agenda for the day. Mark and I were heading to the grocery store and while we were gone we wanted the girls to shake out the bathroom rugs and sweep out the bathroom really well, so that I could mop the floor when I got home. We also advised Avery that since she had put off some homework over the holiday that she would need to get it done pronto. We had told her at the beginning of break that she should get it done right away. I had said to her “I do not want to be standing over you on the last day of your holiday break nagging you about getting it done!” and here I was nagging her, I was not a happy lady!

As we dropped the girls at home and headed out to the store, we had them repeat back what we had asked them to do and they did that with no problem. I smugly headed to the store quite proud of my parenting skills and thinking what a smart move it was to have them repeat back what we had said. Mark and I hurried through the grocery store, eager to get home and work on putting away the remaining Christmas décor, I was looking forward to a little relaxing and I was certain once we got home everything would be done and we would have just a small amount of things to do before we could get down to the business of hanging out.

As we walked in with the first bag of groceries, I saw Avery pop her head out of the bathroom. I really did not think anything of it at first. I headed downstairs to put some groceries in the pantry and found that the sink had over flowed due to a lint clog when the washer had poured into. “UM, WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED DOWN HERE?” “Didn’t anyone check on the laundry” I could hear people diving for cover, Mom was angry and no one wanted to face her! As I came up the stairs I saw Avery putting the broom away and it hit me. “Did you just finish sweeping the bathroom?” Avery replied “Yeah”, “What were you doing the whole time we were gone?” Did you get your homework done?” Again Avery replied “No”. Now, Mom was even angrier!

Apparently Aly and Avery sat and watched television (while my washer was spewing all over my basement floor) until they heard the garage door open and then made a run for it to get the bathroom chore done before Mark and I got in the house. Not quite the idea I had in mind when I had them repeat back what I wanted them to do a couple of hours ago. Mean while the homework was not done and I had to wipe up all the water off the basement floor. Mark jumped in and took over the swabbing of the floor while I began the verbal tongue lashing on Avery about getting the blasted homework done. Here I was doing exactly what I had told her at the beginning of break I did not want to do. I was nagging her about homework! As Mark and I talked about it, I suggested that we needed a consequence for her not doing what we had asked her to do. That’s when it hit me, her room! She has to clean her room. We had both reached our limit with it anyway and we felt that since she did not follow our directions earlier it would be a good way to teach our young teen a lesson, and get a clean bedroom out of the deal.

TA DA! It worked. We now have a clutter free room and actually Avery seems excited about it being clean too. I can only hope that she likes it enough to keep it this way for a while. I think it is actually the cleanest it has been in months too. I know that she “had” to clean it, but it seems like she put more energy into then she ever has. Time will tell if she likes it clean enough to keep it that way. I am going to keep a positive attitude and believe that it will never go all the way back to the way it was. Maybe a small back slide here and there, but hopefully that’s it. I know, I know, I should not get my hopes up. I can’t help it though I just know at any moment Avery will turn the corner and become a clean freak.