Day 189 The Perfect Mom Project

Remember a week or so ago when I was wishing that information that I passed on to my oldest would automatically download to my other two children? Well, I am making the same wish once again; pardon me for one moment…aaaagggghhhh! Here is how it works, I do not care if you like it, or even if you agree with it, if I tell you how I want you to clean then that is how I want it done. Please move the furniture when you vacuum. Please use the handy furniture tool on the stairs, and if you do not mind do not slam it so hard into the stairs (pretending it is my head) that you jam the brush into the tube permanently.

 

I remember years ago having a conflict with Ashleigh over some cleaning task and she told me that my way was stupid and what did it matter as long as the task got done. That is true, it does not matter how it is done as long as it gets done RIGHT! I get to decide if it is done, because it is my house. Avery actually told Mark and me yesterday that we are not the boss of her. I beg to differ, since I have a certificate with your name on it that they gave me at the hospital after I turned my insides out giving birth to you. Now, ta da, I am your boss! I explained to her that when she has her own home, she can clean anyway she wants to. She can even wave the vacuum wand over her living room and say she vacuumed. It will be her home and her cleaning style so have at it. Right now Avery is stuck with the crazy woman who wants the vacuum to actually touch every portion of the rug. That means picking up the dog toys and moving the chairs from under the table, instead of vacuuming around them please. Oh, and when you move a throw rug out of the way, please put it back instead of leaving it in a giant mound in another area.

Now that we have that settled, I should also mention that I am no longer allowed in the car when Aly is driving. I went off the deep end last night when she was driving and she kept saying how she hated it and did not want to drive anymore. That means that I would have to drive her everywhere; or worse yet, Avery would be driving her. Stop that talk right now you hear me? You will drive and you will like it. Apparently, being under the weather I have adopted a commando form of parenting. I am not feeling 100 % yet, but Mark thinks the fact that I actually care about any of this is a good sign that I am on the road to recovery. I am not so sure the girls are taking it as a positive sign at all. I can only guess that they want the pajama clad lump back. At least she kept quiet and let them do whatever they wanted.

Day 188 The Perfect Mom Project

I would like my husband to stop enabling the girls. There are tasks around the house that they are very capable of doing and he will jump in and do them. I am not sure if it is because he does not want to deal with them complaining or if he likes being a martyr, but whatever it is, we have to stop it! I have explained to him that they need these tasks to learn responsibility. We are there proving ground before they get out in the real world, so we must give them something to prove!

 Mark is a wonderful man and he has a very good heart, but he doesn't like conflict or confrontation. He definitely married pepper to his salt, because neither of those things is a problem for me. Please do not miss understand, I am not the Rambo of relationships, but I set my mind to something and that is what I work towards. If there is conflict or confrontation I work through it and move on. That is what I want the girls to learn too. It does not matter if you like doing it; the job still has to get done. If they do not learn that now, life is going to be pretty tough on them.

 It is not like we ask for much:

Do your homework/do your best                                 
DONE

Fill water jugs                                                                         
Only when they are asked

Do their laundry (with Mom's help sometimes)      
 Once the mound is too high

Do the dishes every other day                                        
 DONE (with complaining)

Feed the dogs dinner and then take them out          
DONE   (with complaining)

Occasionally clean your room                                        
One willingly/one not

As I look at the list it does seem pretty significant, perhaps I do ask for a lot. Regardless they somehow end up with plenty of time to plop in front of the computer and television. I really do not want to hear any complaints though or I will have to whip out my own task list to show them. For now though I have to work on their Dad who (if he is not careful) will be running over to their dorms and homes to do things for them, because they do not want to do them their selves. That just will not do at all, I need him here to help me…tee hee hee!

Day 187 The Perfect Mom Project

The debate this morning is about Avery having a sleep over. Really? I don't think so! I am on day 5 of being in my PJ's, because in case you have forgotten my darling child, I AM SICK! The only time I have put on clothes is when I have driven someone (Avery) to school, or picked someone (Aly) up from school. I am certain that having a friend spend the night is not high on my (to do) list. Add to this the fact that I have not grocery shopped so there are really no snacks in the house. This idea of having asleep over is not going to work out.

 Of course Avery thinks this is a personal attack on her. She wanted to debate the last time she has had a sleep over and whether or not I would let her have a sleep over if her room was clean. She swears that even when her room is clean I say no. I explained to her that a sleep over is not just based on a clean room (although it is a big plus if it is). I also tried to explain to her that a sleep over is not a "have to", it is a bonus and picking at me is not going to help make today her bonus day.

 I know I have mentioned this before, but sleepovers are something I have to be in the right mood for. I also feel it is important that I like the person that is sleeping over. We have had guests before where I spent the whole night with my teeth clinched or biting my tongue. I refuse to do that anymore. Honestly, neither girl has friends that I do not like right now, but in the past it has been an issue. A bossy, rude, disrespectful friend can really put me off sleepovers real quick. OK, I might have someone in the back of my mind that I have a beef with, but I am working on letting it go. I am just not quite there yet. Regardless, I am not up to company and I am not up to deciding anything, so quit picking on me!

 I really hate the old "That's not fair argument", because then I have to explain all over again how I am the boss, and I decide what is fair. Then I pull an old favorite out of my Mom bag, "When you are the Mom, you can make the rules". Then I laugh to myself, because there really are no rules, I make most of this up as I go along!

Day 186 The Perfect Mom Project

 

Well, my get up and go is still gone. At my visit with the doctor on Tuesday he told me I had a respiratory infection that has moved into my chest. The doctor told me I would need to rest for a few days. That was something he really did not need to tell me. I am so worn out all I can do is rest. I feel like a big lump!

I hope I can unlump myself soon, because I need to get back to the business of being a mom. I need to get some things done around here. If I am not careful I might even lose my Mom license. I am going to try to do a couple of things around the house today. Hopefully, I can get it together enough to do a load of laundry. As for groceries, bah, who needs food? I would not dare step into a store right now. I would have to have some poor unsuspecting greeter push me around in my cart. I am pretty sure that is not considered acceptable. We will just see how things play out today and hope that tomorrow is a better day. It is the best I can do until I find my get up and go.

Day 185 The Perfect Mom Project

Avery toured the high school yesterday; her tour guide was her sister Aly. Aly was asked to be a guide along with a few other kids in her choral class. It was fun for both of the girls as they sat and talked at dinner about everything that happened during the tour. Aly was telling her version of how the tour went and Avery was telling hers. It is hard to imagine that Avery will be at the high school next year. Where has all the time gone? It really does seem like time is flying.

 Aly has started to get letters from colleges, and she is busy thinking about what she wants to be after college and where she wants to go to college. High school graduation is two years off and we are already sorting all of this out. I feel like it is too soon. I do not want her to rush ahead and miss out on the here and now. I appreciate her excitement, she is curious where this next fork in the road will take her, but could we be rushing things just a little?

 Two children in different places in their lives; yet faced with the same question. What's next? We are already talking with both girls about their schedules for next year and helping them choose classes. At the same time they are talking about what they want to be and how they want to get there. I wish I could help them see the gift they have. I never have answered that question for myself. I was never encouraged or supported in preparing for a goal or even choosing a life course. I just sort of fell into step on my path and away I went. It is possible that because of this I am more aware of my girls following a path and choosing a course.

 Ashleigh headed off to college and changed her major three times before finding a major that spoke to her and now she is not even working in that field. At the time it all seems so important yet life has a funny way of putting you on the path God wants you on and sometimes that path is nothing near where you started out. I have no regrets about my path, but I am curious if I would be traveling on a different path if I had had parents invested in my future. That is something I will never know. What I do know is that Mark and I are completely invested in all of our girls. Their dreams have as much value to us as they do to them. Sometimes we do try to tweak their dreams a little though. OK, by "we", I really mean me. As you will remember I do like to throw out the (what if) questions here and there. Over all though helping the girls achieve their goals and live happy lives is what we are working towards.

 I guess over all as long as their paths bring our girls home now and then we will be happy. We are fortunate to have three go getters that do not lay back and wait for life to come to them, they go out and make life happen. Perhaps some of that is our example, but most likely, it is God's gift to them and I hope they all use it wisely. Nothing is sweeter then skipping down a path laid before you by God. I know this, because all though I did not have my Mom as a guide, God has given me a wonderful path to follow; the path of motherhood and I am enjoying every minute of my walk.

Day 184 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, here I sit all alone in my house. Our snow day is over and most everyone is back on their normal schedule. I am continuing my recovery from whatever it is that is wrong with me. Sleeping seems to have been the biggest healer so far, I have done a lot of sleeping the last few days. Mark is insisting I keep my doctor appointment for this afternoon, just to be on the safe side. I feel like if I am starting to feel better then I should just ride the wave and skip the doctor. Mark thinks I should be safe and not sorry. I will go to the doctor.

It is interesting how the household changes when Mom is under the weather. I have mentioned it before, but things do change. My family tries to stay on their game, but they are easily sidetracked by video games mostly. I did holler downstairs yesterday when Mark and Avery were hitting the 4 hour mark on playing Wii. They were back at it again after dinner. I was glad they were having fun and it was a "snow day", it just felt like I was in Never Land. Perhaps I need to loosen up a little.

All that really matters is that everyone was safe and happy and enjoying their surprise day off. It was probably a bonus to have mom out of commission, that helped make the day even more delightful not having mom spoiling all the fun with chores. As I sit here looking around my house I see many things that need to be picked up and put away and I have a list going in my head of things I should be doing. The hardest part of being out of work when you are sick is all the catching up when you get back. It really is no different when you are a mom. My family does their best to keep things up, but there are many things that I do pretty much behind the scenes to keep our home running smoothly and when they are not done, it shows. OK, maybe not to anyone else, but I notice.

After I see the doctor today, I will know better if I can get back to the business of motherhood. I sure hope so, I really miss being on the job in my full mothering capacity. I know it is not going to be too much longer until I hear the howl for more and better food in the house and I need to be ready. I wonder what perfect moms do when they get sick, I know I have asked this question before, but I am worried that I am letting my fellow moms down by not being on the job. Oh well, I will have to worry about that later. Right now, I need some hot tea.

Day 183 The Perfect Mom Project

Snow Day!! The heavens have opened up and the snow is feathering down. This snow has made my day. I am not feeling to good and I am the carpool Mom this week, so I was not looking forward to getting out of my jammies to drive in this weather. I will have to dress at some point so that I can have my doctor check me out. I feel like I have an anvil on my chest with tiny little pins attached that randomly jab into me. Plus, my muscles are achy too. I have my own ideas about what it is, (as a mom it is our job to diagnose at a moment's notice) but I will let my doctor have the final say.

 I spent some time on Friday making my famous (just to my family) Chocolate chocolate cake. I make this cake from scratch and it is easy and delicious. I was excited to make this cake for my son-in-laws birthday celebration. That night Mark made his delicious Shrimp Gumbo, so that we would be all set to celebrate with Ashleigh and Scott when they arrived on Saturday night. We thought by making most of the dinner ahead, we would only have last minute things to do before they arrived. Sadly our plan failed, Scott and Ashleigh arrived about 20 minutes earlier than we expected and they caught us off guard. Ordinarily this would not be a big deal, but we were in the throes of gift wrapping and card signing and I panicked. Instead of the happy hugging smiling greeting at the door Ashleigh and Scott got "You guys are early!" "You were supposed to call when you were leaving!" I admit that it was not the most inviting greeting I could have offered. There were a few tense moments as Ashleigh offered to leave and come back later.

 I am not sure what is happening to me, but a year or two ago, that would not have happened. Of course the comments would have happened, because throwing my cards on the table has always been my way, but not being prepared for my company was not something that I normally would have done. I was always someone that would be pacing the floor wondering where my guests were. More and more, I find myself rushing to finish up before company comes or running late to get where I need to be. I am very curious what is going on inside of me that has flipped that switch. Honestly for the last year or so, my friends have become accustomed to my being late for everything. That is not something that I am proud of.

 There are times when I am late, because I think I can cram one more thing into the time I have. Many times it is a load of laundry or some other household task that I think I have time for and then I end up running round the house like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get ready and out the door. Perhaps it is just a mom thing, but right now it just feels like an "I do not have it together" thing. Whatever it is, I do not like it. The hard part is I did not like the neurotic, driven, over the top old me either. Somewhere inside of me I hope I can discover a more balanced self. I know there is one in here somewhere. In the mean time, I may have to fake it until I get it. Not today though, today I am having, I do not feel good couch day. Apparently, my doctor is having snow day too, so I will have to take it easy until my appointment tomorrow. So, I will just relax and enjoy some unexpected down time. No running around or planning allowed!

Day 182 The Perfect Mom Project

I am on the cusp of having worked on this Mom Project for six months. Tomorrow it will be officially over six months. I am shocked and amazed that I have been able to keep this blog going. I have to say that I have never thought about giving it up. I look forward to spending the time each day writing down my thoughts. I have been blessed that my family is understanding and encouraging about my writing as well. Sometimes I have had to put them on hold to complete my writing for the day and there have been times when I have had to take my writing on the road and even then my family has supported me.

I have written about our good times and I have written about our bad times too. I have tried to be as honest as I can about my life, because the purpose of this blog from the beginning has been to come to some conclusions about my relationships with my Mom and my children. There have been many family and friends who have gotten into the mix from time to time, mostly because they are all part of my giant relationship tree. I picture my life like a domino drop, when one domino goes down they all go down. So friends welcome to life with a Mom. You can never tell which way the dominos will fall, but fall they do and Mom is there to set them right again.

I cannot say if at the end of this year of blogging I will be any more enlightened then I am right now, but I will have definitely given it my best shot. Somewhere along the line I have lost the notion of being a "perfect" Mom, but I continue to work towards understanding myself and my life with the added twist of three children. So here is to another six months of self discovery. Fasten your seat belts!

Day 181 The Perfect Mom Project

This morning I am gazing at the blazing sun rising in the east. Mark and I are on our way home from taking Aly and two of her friends to another Forensics meet. We left home at 6:15 AM and dropped the kids off at about 7:15 AM. The parents of one of the kids we brought with us will pick them up tonight. I asked Aly yesterday if she wanted us to stay and she said no. She really does not think it necessary for us to be there. Watching her walk into the building today Mark said he was glad she had the confidence to walk into situations like that, and I have to agree.

 Aly has had that confidence since she was a very little girl. I remember talking about going to a family camp one year when she was in kindergarten. I thought if we went to the camp as a family that perhaps later on she would want to go to camp on her own. As we sat at our dining room table talking about it Aly spoke up and said "I'll go to camp!" Surprised, I said "Do you want to go this year? You would be on your own, Mom and Dad would not be there." Aly replied, "I know."The rest is history we signed our little girl up for a three day sleep away camp between her kindergarten and first grade year.

 I also watched Aly step in front of a room full of people and sing for the very first time when she was in third grade. She did not look the slightest bit nervous. I know she was, because we talked about it before hand, but once she stepped up to sing, you saw nothing but confidence on her little face. We were awe struck by her gift of confidence. There are times at home that she will share with us her fear and worry about an upcoming event, but once she steps into the moment you never see her sweat.

 I do not know where our little girl gained this confidence, but I am delighted for her. This is a gift that will carry her for the rest of her life. I know that with this confidence she will be able to face any challenge. What a wonderful thing as a mom to know that your child already has the wings to fly! Now if I can just get her behind the wheel of the car so that she can get her driver's license, I will be a very happy woman. I suppose at some point she will be tired of me taking her everywhere, and she will have the "confidence" to get her license and drive. Once again I should be careful what I wish for, once she starts driving I suspect she will be going all the time. My little girl is growing up.

Day 180 The Perfect Mom Project

I think I am in the invisible portion of my mothering life. It seems lately that all my requests and comments are falling on deaf ears. I ask the girls to do things and they conveniently forget, or they put things that I have asked them to do off so long that I forget. I am so frustrated. Is it too much to ask that when they do laundry that they actually finish it? Maybe fold it and take it to their room and even put it away? That's when they do laundry. I do help them out with their laundry here and there, but I have had a rule since Ashleigh was home that once you are in middle school, you do your own laundry. It just gets me going when they do not finish it and then it interferes with what I need to get done that day.

I am feeling like I need to unplug the computer and the TV. Avery gets home from school and begins the rotation between being on the computer, watching TV and playing Wii. She will stop long enough to do homework and then she is back at the computer, TV and Wii rotation. I know this is all normal, but it still bugs me.

I love how when they have a task to complete my girls act like it is so unfair. Yesterday I picked Avery up at school and dropped her off at home so that she could have a quick snack and brush her teeth. Then I drove up to the high school and picked up Aly and dropped her off at home, and picked up Avery and took her to the orthodontist. I should have made some comment about how unfair it was, maybe even added in something like "Why do I have to do all the driving and picking up, it's not fair!" Maybe by now you have figured out that it is not a good day in my mothering kingdom. I just feel like we are caught in this phase and I cannot get us out. I want my kids to hear me when I speak; I want them to say how high when I say jump and I just want to feel like I matter somehow.

Maybe that is the issue; I just do not feel like I matter. I think it is just expected that I will do all the things that I do around here and I am just taken for granted. I am really not trying to have a pity party for myself. I guess I just climbed to the end of my rope and now I am dangling there. I am not sure how to fix this without being a nag to my kids. I sincerely just want them to get it that I am not the hired help and that what I do here is out of love for my family and a little appreciation would be nice. I am going to have to take all my frustration out on my house today, because it needs to be cleaned. I also have to make a birthday cake for my Son-In-law, so I do not have time to dink around with self pity. It's just another day in the life of a perfect mother want-a-be. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do!

Day 179 The Perfect Mom Project

Somehow I think my life is going in a giant circle. I remember about 10 years ago, I was walking early in the morning with my girlfriend. It was probably about 34 degrees outside and we were talking about how kids did not dress for the weather, and I expressed my frustration and dislike for it. I had quite a bit to say about "those kids", and then when I got home that morning, Ashleigh walked out of her bedroom and she was wearing Capri pants and high heel open toe sandals. At the time I thought it was important to say to her, "Its cold out there!" Ashleigh replied with the universal teen response, "I'll be fine Mom!" with the word Mom drawn out in an exasperated tone.

 Flash forward to this morning, when my cell phone was ringing on my way home from working out, "Hello?" "Hi, Mom, can you give me a ride to the bus this morning?" At this point I am curious, "I guess so, why?" Aly replied that she just wanted a ride. As I was pulling in the drive, Mark was pulling out to go to work, so I asked him what was going on, and he told me that she was wearing Capri pants today. My response to him was "I do not give rides to people who are being stupid!" When I got in the house I looked at Aly and suggested that maybe today was not the best day for her to wear her sweat pant Capri's, perhaps she could wear them on a day when her Dad drives her for student counsel, but she was determined to wear her short pants. I told her I could not drive her this morning because I had to shower and get going right away today.

 Honestly, I could have driven her, but I thought it might be good for her to feel the cold air on her ankles. I thought it might be a chilly wake up call. I know if I had challenged her about the pants and made a big deal out of not driving her, it would not have been as good a lesson as her walking to the corner with her legs flapping in the breeze. Now I am sitting here feeling guilty for my tough love moment. In the big picture, she knew she was going to be cold, that is why she asked me for a ride. Apparently, she had a strong desire to wear the Capri pants, after all they were new.

 I find myself wishing that when you went through something with your oldest child that the information would automatically download to the younger children. I think that would help the parenting process immensely. Think about how much easier parenting would be if you only had to pass through many of the challenging moments once. You would not have to stand there scratching your head thinking, "Didn't I just have this discussion?" I know it is not practical, but a girl can dream can't she? I say this as my youngest is standing at the door waiting for the carpool and she has just announced she forgot to make her lunch. So I have to go and get her some money to buy her lunch today, so my dream time is over. Now I am wondering if my youngest just scammed me, so she would not have to make lunch! I can tell I am in the parenting trenches today.

Day 178 The Perfect Mom Project

"Laissez les bon temps rouler"

The above statement means, "Let the good times roll!" We had Mardes Gras here at home last night. Mardes Gras means Fat Tuesday and since we have a love for all things Cajun, we have adopted this holiday as our own. Yesterday afternoon I made a big pot of Chicken Creole and I had all the things ready for our dessert of Bananas Foster, which is a yummy flaming dessert that you put over ice cream.

When the girls were younger I would always decorate and make something to eat that was in line with the holiday of the moment. In the last few years, I have gotten away from the tradition. I am not sure why, maybe because I was too busy or maybe I just did not think my family appreciated the time and energy it took to pull these events off. Most probably it was a combination of both. Regardless of why I was not doing it anymore, I have decided to bring back the tradition. I may not put as much gusto into it as I once did, but I enjoyed celebrating each holiday in a special way, with a special meal. Next up is Saint Patrick's Day and that is always fun making a boiled supper like my Grandma used to do.

I like to think that by sharing these moments with my kids, they will learn to appreciate celebrating life. I have always told our girls that as you get older the opportunities to be celebrated or to celebrate become fewer, so it is important to enjoy each opportunity that comes along whenever you get the chance. As I stood in the kitchen making the Bananas Foster last night, I called everyone in to watch the process. The first time out we ended up with a giant blob of hard goo. I am not sure what went wrong, but fortunately I had enough items here that I could try one more time. The second time was the charm, and our dessert turned out yummy. There was a little excitement when we lit the dessert on fire, since we were not expecting the large burst of flame that we got, but it was fun to experience the moment with Mark and the girls.

Now we are on to more fun and new celebrations. This Saturday is my Son-In-Law's birthday and we have invited Scott and Ashleigh over for dinner. We are excited that they will be sharing this celebration with us. After that, the next event is Saint Patrick's Day, so all I can say is Laissez Les bon temps rouler!

Day 177 The Perfect Mom Project

Attitude is everything! I know this, because I have a 15 year old that is in the, "I hate" phase of teen hood. I think if she uses the phrase "I hate" one more time, I am going to scream! I am not even sure how to help get her through this, because she is many times so unpleasant to deal with. Sometimes it is out of nowhere that she suddenly hates something. A few weeks ago at dinner she announced that she "hates" rice. All I could say to her was "No you don't." Obviously, if she thinks she hates it, what I think will not matter. It might actually make her hate it more!

 Last night, Mark read me something that said that the harder someone is to love, the harder you have to try. It is not that I don't love my daughter, but she is making it kind of tough to like her. Her perpetual bad attitude has made me very unsympathetic. I am really fading in the cheerleading capacity. How many times do I have to try to turn that frown upside down? The other issue is that there are times that my mind is telling me to keep quiet and say nothing and suddenly my mouth flies open and I cannot stop myself from making a comment about whatever it is that is currently being hated. I am starting to think I am not helping the situation.

 Perhaps Mark has the right idea though. Maybe if I reach out a little more with love and compassion and fewer suggestions. I might have to regroup on my parenting skills a little. It just does not seem like what I am doing is helping her. This is when a really good book on perfect mothering might come in handy. I would immediately look for the chapter, How to mother without your child knowing that's what you are doing. I am certain the fact that I keep telling her "Change your attitude and change your life" is probably making her hate me too.

 I will do some investigating today to see if there are any suggestions from actual professionals on what steps to take with her. What I have been doing has not worked, so it is time to take this more seriously. If we are not careful she might not grow out of this and then what will we do. We will have this adult hater that everyone will look at and wonder what her parents did to make her like that. You see that is my biggest issue, I do not want anyone to think I made my daughter a hater! I hope that my studies today will help find the answers I need to turn this thing around, because I "hate" her attitude! Hmmm…I wonder where she gets it from?

Day 176 The Perfect Mom Project

Today is the last day of the girl's winter break. It is 8:30 AM and they are still sound asleep. The Mom in me wants to wake them up and get our day going, but there is another part of me (perhaps the part that likes the quiet) that wants to let them sleep. We do not have any big plans in the works today. I learned my lesson on Friday, when everything that I had planned slowly fell apart. Mark the girls and I had a nice day together yesterday, so I will just ride the wave of happiness from that, and anything else we do together will be a bonus.

 Yesterday, Mark and I took the girls to the Art Institute. I was just happy they were up for it. I know that this was something that Mark has mentioned a few times that he wanted to do and to have the girls along made for some nice family time. These days family time is a limited commodity. When the girls are in school and involved in all of their activities, it makes it tough to find the time to spend together. It is going to get even tougher since Aly just got a part in the spring musical at school and she is also on the Forensics team which has a couple of more meets this year. Forensics is actually like a speech team. Aly was very excited originally when she joined, but her enthusiasm has waned and she is now just going through the motions trying to make it until the end of the season which is about a month and a half away.

 As we move forward into the remainder of the school year I find myself preparing to grab hold of the railing. I know that the next few weeks and months are going to speed by, they always do. Then we are all left standing there looking at each other saying "What just happened?" The girls had best live it up today, because there are not too many of these quiet unfilled days left for them. That makes me think, "Aw just let them sleep". "What will it hurt?" Besides, the quiet is kind of nice! Ah, sipping my coffee, enjoying the quiet with my feet up, this is the life. Just give it a few minutes though, this will not last!!

Day 175 The Perfect Mom Project

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Today I will be sharing an open Valentine to my husband, Mark.
My Love,
I can write easily abut many things, but when it comes to writing about my love for you I always struggle. This is not because of a lack of love, it is because my heart is so full I do not know where to begin. I knew from the moment I met you that we were meant to be together. My heart pulled towards you even before either of us even knew each other very well, and it has been solidly attached to you ever since.

NO words can describe the joy you have brought into my life. I had only dreamed of this kind of happiness until we met. You have given me an amazing life. Together we have created an amazing family, even before we were married you were committed to making Ashleigh your own so that she would always know she was a part of our family and I love you for that. Having you feel love and value in Ashleigh meant the world to me.I love that you are full of adventure and willing to travel with your family anywhere, anytime. You have shown us so much and I am certain there is much more we will all see together. You have always put up with my hair brain schemes; no wife could try a man as much as I do you and still have her husband's support and patience. You have taught me what unconditional love is. I never have doubted your love for me.
The simple things, like taking out the dog in the middle of the night or dropping Aly at school are awesome. You will cook for our family and create delicious meals that chefs would drool over. You coach Avery in soccer and have never once balked at attending anything the girls have been performing in. You have no idea how much it means to me that you model for our children what a good man is. Your example of love, faith and dedication will help them make good choices when it comes time for the younger girls to marry. I am proud that Ashleigh has already chosen someone to share her life with that carries a strong resemblance to your love and dedication to me.

 It is hard to believe that we have known each other almost 20 years. It feels like just moments ago that we met. I cannot even imagine my life without you and your love; you are truly a gift from God. I look forward to all the moments we still have ahead. I Love you Mark with all of my heart.

Day 174 The Perfect Mom Project

Why does morning come so early when you are tired? Mark and I went to the first part of our two part marriage conference last night and when we got home we stayed up with the girls to watch the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics. We have part two of our conference today and we need to be there by 7:30 AM, so here I am typing away at the crack of dawn. When I made this commitment to myself to write this blog, I never took a lot of these little details into consideration. It really is not that big a deal, since I am normally up at this time during the week, but somehow I feel cheated, because it is the weekend.

 I am so happy that we are attending this conference. Our marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. We just like going to be reminded how important we each are in this relationship. To me it is like watering a plant if you do not add water, the plant does not grow. By us educating ourselves about marriage, we are adding water to our roots. This is the third or fourth time we have gone to a marriage conference. Each time I believe that we added another layer to our marriage armor. As we become more knowledgeable about the marriage relationship, I become even more in love with Mark. No relationship is perfect, but I like that we keep trying. It is too easy to give up when things are hard.

 So, off I go to get ready for day two of the glue that will keep us together. I am looking forward to today, not only for the conference, but also because I will be with Mark. That makes this day all the sweeter. All I ask is that the next time he annoys me; someone reminds me I said that!!

Day 173 The Perfect Mom Project

Today and Monday my girls are off school for winter break. All week I was planning in my head the fun things we could do together. The main thing I thought we would do today was go to the mall. No particular reason, mostly just to poke around, perhaps see the spring fashions and possibly get a good deal on some clearance items (my personal favorite pastime). I had it all figure out. Yea, fun mom award for me!

 No, not really. As I discussed my plans with the girls last night, Avery told me she had other plans. "What?" I asked. "Plans to do what?" "So and So and I want to meet at the ice skating rink at noon" Avery told me. "Don't you want to go shopping?" I asked her, "Mom, I really do not like shopping all that much, you know that." She said. As she was speaking I was remembering the whole shopping for boots thing and shuttered a little. Here I was looking at my youngest as she stood in front of me with her too short skinny jeans on and I said, "Avery, I am not sure how much longer it will be decent for you to wear those pants, it is not like boots you can only cram so much into a pair of jeans!" "I know Mom, it will be fine" she said in a condescending way.

 I started thinking about how quickly my daughters are growing up. We always tease Avery because we sit next to each other at dinner every night and when she was a little girl (much smaller then she is now); she would always lay her head on my shoulder during dinner. Now it seems so cute and loving, but at the time it annoyed the heck out of me. Calmly eating minding my own business and plop, there would be her head. Now, I have to bribe her just to get her to shop with me for pants that fit her. Where is my little girl?

Aly, seemed interested in the possibility of a shopping expedition, but I explained that our style will be cramped a little since we will have to drop Avery off and pick her up. I may have to see if we can ride share with one of the other girls, so that I can make some of my plan work. I am not sure if anything I cooked up for their time off will actually pan out. Bright and early this morning, Aly's phone was buzzing. I am sure that there are more plans coming off the presses as I write this. Both girls are still nestled all snug in their beds, but guaranteed the only dreams they are having are about how to push Mom over the edge. Honestly, I knew this day would come; it would be weird if they were not making plans with friends at their age. I might as well pack up my self pity bag and move on, because I am certain that this is just the beginning, or maybe this is the middle and I am still kidding myself. Whatever this is, it means my little girls are growing up. At this point I will willingly except any head on my shoulder any time, with no complaints.

Day 172 The Perfect Mom Project

My sister called yesterday. She was checking to see how I was coming on a web site project. She owns a company that handles all kinds of computer related things and she had asked me to help her out with this project since her regular web person could not do it. I had told her I would try to do it, but I would make no promises. Several years ago I starting working on web design, using a different design product then what she has. At that time I started out with lots of confidence and the desire to learn. As time went on my confidence waned and I lost interest in pursuing web design. I am not exactly sure why, but I just kept telling myself that I was no good at it and the main theme I played in my head was "Who are you trying to kid".

My sister said to me yesterday that she thought I was smart and that I should keep playing around with her designing product. She also said she has confidence in me and my ability. The hard part is that I don't. If I am going to be honest, I should say I really never have. It struck me yesterday when she said I was smart, because I have never felt that way about myself. I am always amazed at how well all my girls have done in school, because I always struggled to learn. I do not want to make excuses for myself, but odds are good that it had something to do with the 27 times I moved by the time I was 30. Most of the moving I did was early in my life. I went to three different elementary schools, and four different middle schools. High school was the only time I stayed in one school, but I was out in Salt Lake away from my family and living on my own. At that point school was not my only priority, surviving was also high on my list.

I appreciate the confidence that my sister has in me. I just wish I felt the same way about myself. I wish that when I struggled with something that I did not automatically think of myself as stupid. I also wish that I could give myself a break. I wonder if I stopped playing those thoughts in my head if things would be easier for me. Right away when I get stumped with something I shut down and start telling myself that it is because I am not that bright. What if I was smart and the struggling was normal, would I still think of myself as stupid? I do not know the answer to that. I just know that I am going to keep working on this project for my sister and hope that I can do what she needs done. If not, I hope that I can skip beating myself up this time. After all, I did try to do it.

The other thing is that if my girls were going through this I would be there cheering them on telling them that they can do it and I believe in them, and that is exactly what my sister said to me yesterday. It meant a lot to hear that, but again, I just wish I believed it.

Day 171 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, all the planning and preparation for a snow day has paid off, we are all home today. The question now is, will the day play out like I am imaging. This certainly is not the kind of day you would want to venture out into. That means we will all be cooped up here together. I just hope we can all stay on our best behavior. We have already had one mishap, when Mark left his coffee and muffin unattended and Roxanne (our dog) helped herself to Mark's muffin. There were some sharp words spoken in the heat of the moment, but hopefully they will be able to get along the rest of the day.

I remember when I was little playing outside in the snow for hours. I loved sledding and ice skating. I also remember that I would wear bread bags inside my boots to help keep my feet dry. It seems pretty ridiculous now, but at the time it seemed like a great idea. The bread bags certainly did not keep my feet warm either. I wish I could get the excitement back about playing out in the snow that I felt when I was younger. There is something exciting about whipping down a sled hill. When I was younger I had this plastic sled that was very thin, and when you were not sitting on it, it would spiral back up into a tight coil. If you fell just right at the bottom of the hill you might end up with the sled coiled around your head. It never stopped me though, I would jump back up and head back up the hill for more sledding.

Who knows what my kids will decide to do today, one is in bed reading and the other is still sleeping. I hope they will head out for some fun in the snow later. I am toying with the idea of going out to sled myself. I think it would be fun to fly down the hill with the wind whipping around me. I have much better boots now too, so I think my feet would be much warmer. There is the slight issue that my kids might not want me out there with them, but I will cross that bridge if I come to it. Mean while I will relax and enjoy looking out onto the beautiful snow covered trees from inside my warm house. I may even stay in my pajamas an extra long time today. It does not matter, because…IT'S A SNOW DAY!!!!

Day 170 The Perfect Mom Project

Today we are being told to expect at least 6 inches of snow. My girls are so excited that tomorrow will be a snow day. I will be honest, I am too. I LOVE snow days, those are the days when nothing much is expected of you. Obviously you cannot go anywhere, and you really do not want to anyway.

So this morning I am heading out to gather my snow day supplies, things like snacks and cocoa. Maybe I will find a yummy bottle of wine just in case it is snowy enough for Mark to stay home too. I know most of the day he will work from home, but later in the afternoon it would be nice to sit with him by the fire and relax. Just the thought of all this is s0 exciting! I am also hoping to have a chance to play Wii with Avery. We had so much fun playing on my birthday; I would like to do that again. I get the feeling that my hopes are real high for a snow day; it could be very disappointing for me if it does not happen I might even be more disappointed than the girls!

I will just have to see what the day brings, if it gets too bad, I will worry about Mark getting home safe. I will just be happy when everyone is home safe later today and we are all looking out at the snow together. I am certain that my girls will do their normal want a snow day routine of wearing their PJ's inside out tonight, anything to help the odds along. You know I might even give it a shot, what can it hurt?

Day 169 The Perfect Mom Project

As I sat visiting with my girlfriends this weekend, one of them asked me if I was enjoying writing my blog. I told her that it has been a great way to work through all the thoughts and feelings I have been dealing with since my Mom passed away. When I originally started my blog it was a way to work through all of my feelings about my Mom and being a mom, as time has gone on, I am realizing that nothing I do is just about me. I am a Mom, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister and friend, each one of those titles involves me having contact with someone else.

This blog has been a great opportunity for me to sort out my feelings about many things that have happened or are happening in my life. There are many days as I write I start out with a plan to write about something that has happened and as I write, it pours out completely different then I originally thought it would. I sometimes write about events that have happened and how they have affected me or my family, as I look at the event on paper it helps me see more than just my side. As an example, I wrote the other day about my Dad. I did not even plan to write about those feeling and thoughts and yet there it was on paper.
I have never been someone that keeps my feelings to myself. Honestly, I am positive my family would tell you they have never wondered how I feel about anything. I am also certain that my family would tell you that I admit when I am wrong. That is another reason why I feel this blog was an important thing for me to do, many days as I write out my thoughts and feelings I realize that where I am standing on a particular subject is the wrong side. There is no sacred subject, because when this year is up I want to know that I have worked through any possible link of feelings about how I was raised and how I am raising my own children.

I am learning that my feelings and thoughts are not just affecting me, they are affecting everyone else. I hope by writing them out and working through them, I can help someone else too. It is all a matter of perspective. It is like looking through a window with someone. We each see something different when we first glance out, my perspective is no less important than the other persons, it is just different. The hard part is that since I am a mom, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, and friend, I have a lot of different perspectives. It takes a lot of balancing to get it right. Maybe by the end of this project some of my perspectives will merge. I hope so, because the thought of all of those perspectives has me overwhelmed.

Day 168 The Perfect Mom Project

I will be heading home in just a short while, from my weekend at Ashleigh’s. I have had a wonderful time here with my daughter and my friends, but I am looking forward to getting home. There is something about the feeling of “home”. It is a touch stone to who you are. If the circumstances are right, home can be healing and comforting. My home is like that to me.

Actually my family is also healing and comforting to me. I know that when I get home today any number of things will be going on. Some might be pleasant and some not so pleasant. My girls could be having a sister bonding day or they may be fighting over something ridiculous, but whatever is happening, it will be familiar. I think that even in the worst situation in life there is always something comforting about things being the same. You know what to expect and you know how you will react.

There will come a time when I walk through the doors of my home and I will not have the sounds of my girls there. I know that it will be the same home with all of its comfort and security, but without the girls there laughing or arguing things will be different. Something will change, inside the house and inside of me. I am certain that nothing can prepare me for this time in my life. While my goal each day is to help give the girls the tools they need to leave I am sure that when the time comes my home will change and so will I. If I play my cards right the change will be positive for all of us.

That’s the goal today. Go home hug the girls and Mark and hopefully get a full update of what I missed while I was away from home. We will talk and laugh about our weekends and spend some time together. That is my fantasy version of what will happen, the real thing may play out completely different. Regardless, it will still be good to be home, where everything is the same.

Day 167 The Perfect Mom Project

SURPRISE!! I am here at Ashleigh’s enjoying time with my daughter and some of my friends. Ashleigh and Mark had been planning and scheming for weeks. I was caught completely off guard all week; each day brought another fun surprise. Never in my life have I felt so special.


There was as I mentioned yesterday a bouquet from my Dad. My Dad also called to wish me a happy birthday. During my conversation with him, I could feel my heart turning. All of the anger and resentment was falling away. How do I continue to be angry with this man who despite everything (cancer, family issues, and random marriages) still remembers my birthday and lets me know he is thinking of me and cares about me? I felt like I was learning another lesson about unconditional love.

The main thing I am thinking is that love does not always come wrapped in the package that is the prettiest. Sometimes it is handed to you in a not so pretty brown sack. What I am learning is even though it is not packaged in a lovely way, it is still love. Sometimes love comes to you and you need to open your heart and let it in. My Dad is not ever going to change, and honestly odds are good I will not either. I am going to have to except the love that he is offering me on his terms and release the expectation that he will ever understand or care what I need from him.

I know that my Dad is very sick. I could hold tight to my expectations and remain angry and hurt, but what will that buy me? I will then have to live with myself having hurt this man as he tries to heal. I like the saying, life is short, in this case it reminds me that you just do not know how much time you have for anything, you might as well enjoy every moment and not hold tight to your hurt and anger. This weekend is also helping me realize that with an open heart you let in so much goodness and light. Then you reflect that out and it draws people to you.

I am reaping the reward of reflected light this weekend. I am sure that it is light that my friends have reflected as well as my own light, but whatever it is I feel the rays of friendship and I am happy. I will soak it up today, I will bask in the warmth and love as much as I can. I like the feeling of my heart blossoming and being open to letting my heart change. Is it possible that at 50 I am finally growing up? That would be another nice surprise!

Day 166 The Perfect Mom Project

First I want to applaud Mark for his blog yesterday. I could not have said any of that better myself! Mark is a wonderful husband; together we have created a wonderful family and a great life. I would never have imagined I would have such a great friend and love in my life. Thank you, my love for all your support. I think we balance each other out quite well.


Yesterday was an awesome day. Mark took the day off work and we enjoyed spending the day together. I love our time together laughing and talking. When we are in the midst of our everyday lives we sometimes lose our connection, it is nice to plug back in and just be a couple every once in a while. It keeps our love alive. I laugh so much when I am with Mark and it truly fills my soul. I am blessed.

My friends and family helped make this milestone birthday amazing and memorable. I could never have imagined all the surprises I received. I sit here writing surrounded by flowers. They are all beautiful and special, including the flowers that were delivered from my Dad. I can say many things about my Dad, but he has always remembered me on my birthday and Christmas, especially once my Mom’s memory started to go. There are not enough words to express my delight, gratitude and overwhelming surprise this week has brought to me. I will have these memories for many years to come.

Today I leave to spend the weekend with my friend and lovely daughter Ashleigh at her home. I am excited to have this time with her. I am so happy that I can call her a friend. We worked our way through all the years of growing up and parenting and we have ended up in a wonderful relationship that I treasure. I hope that in the years to come I will be able to do the same with my Aly and Avery too. It is an amazing gift to work so hard raising your child and not only be proud of whom they have become, but also count them as one of your friends.

I am surrounded at this moment by my dog Roxanne and my grand dog Louis. They are enjoying the fact that I am sitting in my comfy chair and typing on my new notebook computer. I will now be able to write from anywhere I am. I look forward to many more blog entries, and now I will not have to scrounge up a computer depending on where I am. I am truly going to love this new adventure, almost as much as I love being a wife and mom. Ahhhhhhhh, my life is good; I am ready for another fifty years!

Day 165 The Perfect Mom Project

(Special note – Today, the role of Ragen will be played by her husband, Mark. I told her that for her birthday, I would take care of writing her blog for her. My apologies to anyone having to suffer through this)

Happy Birthday Ragen!!! Today is a special birthday for Ragen. It is one of the milestone years (I hesitate to divulge the age, but it starts with 5 and ends with zero and rhymes with “Nifty” – Or as Ragen referred to it this morning, she is a half century old).

Just like most other holidays, birthday celebrations here have certain traditions that must be followed. Without these customs, the birthdays would feel like they were missing something. Two of the traditions that we have for our birthday celebrations here are letting the person celebrating pick whatever they want to have for dinner that day, and having the “You’re Special” bear on your plate during that special meal. These are inalienable rights in our house and cannot be tampered with (although I do recall having to talk one of my daughters out of picking hot dogs for that meal). Neither tradition is a major thing, but if we do not have these, it would not feel like a birthday.

It’s funny how these traditions come into being. I have no idea where the bear came from but I can’t remember a birthday celebration where we didn’t have it sitting on our plates.

When I was growing up, we had certain special traditions for your birthday. When you woke up, there was always a present at the end of your bed. I always loved that, because it started the day out with a bang!! It was a little like Christmas, but better because you knew you had more presents coming later. Once we were married, we tried doing that with our family, but for some reason that tradition just didn’t seem to fit, so we created our own traditions.

Will our girls carry on the traditions we created? Not all of them and maybe none of them. They will have their own spouses and families and will develop their own traditions. And that’s fine. Some traditions will get carried on and some won’t. Traditions should not be burdens that have to be carried on from generation to generation, but something that have special meaning and that you look forward to. Ragen and I want our daughters to grow up to become independent. After all, isn’t that the whole goal of this parenting thing, to get your kids ready to become their own selves and have their own traditions, both old and new?

Day 164 The Perfect Mom Project

Years ago, when I was a single Mom my life was very different. When Ashleigh was about three years old, I bought a used Mobile home. At the time I was making $6.00 an hour. I had no idea if I was going to be able to make it, but I was willing to try. I wanted a stable home in a nice town and this was my shot at that dream. Somehow, it worked. I learned a lot about being a Mom and a grown up from that part of my life.


$6.00 an hour does not offer you a very luxurious lifestyle; I worked hard to make ends meet and even paid off debt that was left by my first husband. I was determined to give my daughter a good life. Every summer in August I would take Ashleigh to a big store that offered layaway and we would choose clothes for her for school. I would slowly pay off the layaway so that Ashleigh would have nice clothes once school started. I did not want her to stand out as the kid “from the trailer park”. I wanted people to treat her like everyone else and I wanted them to see she was loved and cared for. I remember one time when Ashleigh was in about first grade, a teacher told her to tell me that her backpack was too small and I needed to get her a new one. I was so upset, for two reasons, first because the teacher told her this in front of all the other children and embarrassed her, second because I did not have the money to get her a new one at the time. I was offended that the teacher would tell a child something like that, not knowing the circumstances.

As I look back now, perhaps I did such a good job of pretending that we had it all that no one else could tell we did not. I had people ask me from time to time, how I did it, and I always replied, “What?” I just got up every morning like everyone else and lived the life God had set before me. I did not see myself living or doing anything extraordinary. I did struggle and I was sad from time to time, but it did not matter. I was letting each day play out just like it was suppose to.

Today, I wake up in a beautiful home, not large by any means, but beautiful and comfortable. I am able to dress my children with much greater ease and I do not worry about my children standing out as needy or under privileged. I am fortunate to live a life that I once only dreamed about. As I think about it, I believe that some of my good fortune comes from “playing through” my life. I never sat down and gave up. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it a lot. It was not an easy way to live, but I am better for it.

I work hard everyday to teach my children that life is going to hand you problems it is what you do with the problems that matters. I also believe that how you present yourself to the world is important. If you do not care about you, who will? I have no regrets about my life as a single Mom. Ashleigh and I have some great memories from those days. I still get up every morning and “play through” the day and I make the best of trying to be a good Mom. That part of my life is no easier, the tools I have are different now, but the parenting part never changes. You just do the best you can and hope it works.

DAy 163 The Perfect Mom Project

I am going to see my Aunt Nina today. I am not sure why, but I realized this morning that on the days that I go to see her, I am very crabby, it might even be more then crabby, it is more like irritated. I spoke to her last night and she was in a bad mood. She is once again having roommate issues at the nursing home. New roommate, new issues, it is a constant theme and it is starting to annoy me. I suggested to her last night that maybe she would like a room of her own, and she said “Why should I have to move?” HHHMMN, I don’t know, maybe because you dislike every roommate that you get?


Of course it is the same song just a different day with my aunt. She does not want full time care at home, and she does not want to stay at the nursing home. I figure she has decided that if she causes enough trouble they will throw her out of the nursing home. The trouble is that when we have a care conference with the staff there she does this big song and dance about how she cooks for her self at home and does all kinds of other things for herself, and none of it is true. So for now, she is in the best place she can me. No wait, I take that back she is in the place she wants to be. I had found a better, nicer even more beautiful place, that was cheaper and she did not like it. So her new woes with her roommate, come under the heading of “Oh well”. I pretty much feel that she made this bed so she can lie in it. No sympathy here, none, zip, zero!

As she told me her frustration with her roommate yesterday, I just kept saying to her, “I am sorry that is happening”, over and over again. I am sorry that she is unhappy with her roommate, but any changes will be up to her. I am merely an innocent bystander. I will pack my patience today and visit for a little while. Afterwards I will do something nice for myself, so that I can get over my crabby, annoyed attitude. No use taking it out on my whole family and making them crabby too. If I did that, I would be just like my Auntie and I don’t want that!!

Day 162 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday was a banner day in my mothering history. If you recall, Aly had given me a hard time last week about the groceries and what we have in the house to eat. At the time I was quite angry and told her that she was going to make the grocery list and do the shopping so she could see how “easy” it is. Well, yesterday was the big day.


As the time came closer to prepare the list and do the shopping, I realized that Aly would not be able to actually do the shopping because of a busy week at school, so I told her she had to at least make the list. So I handed her the grocery store advertisement and my grocery list printed from the computer and said “Here you go”. It took her a while to get into the swing of it. She was not sure at first what to have for dinners, or what snacks to put on the list. At one point I showed her some items that were on sale and explained to her that I try to buy sale items whenever possible. We discussed ideas she had for meals and what she would need to put on the list, and a couple of times she had to check out the pantry downstairs and the cupboards in the kitchen to see if we had everything for those recipes. That in its self was a good lesson for her.

I think just going over the advertisement and making the list was an eye opener for her. As she finished up her list making, she looked at me and said “Mom, I am sorry I said that the other day.” And I looked at her and said, “I accept”. I know that we are not done with this lesson. I actually think having Aly and Avery make the list again next week will be a good lesson for both of them. Not only will they then be invested in what food is coming into the house, they will have a greater understanding about what kind of planning it takes. I think it is important for them to walk a little in my shoes. Sometimes I think they believe that all I do is spend the day plotting and scheming on how to make them miserable.

So, I hold my head up high today thinking one of my crazy mothering moments actually worked. If this is how it feels to be successful at parenting, I could get addicted to it. Maybe the pursuit of perfect parenting is an even better idea then I first realized. This plan of mine might be working. I might actually be headed towards mothering perfection! Bah, never mind, I snapped out of it, its crazy to think I can turn this train around now, but I am not done trying, maybe a couple more of the learning moments and I will have it all figured out.