Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Day 220 The Perfect Mom Project

What is your purpose? There are websites all over the web ready to tell you, there are also shelves and shelves of books too, but I think you need to be your own detective on this subject.

When Ashleigh was born I was convinced that my purpose here on earth was to raise Ashleigh into greatness. It was nothing like the Virgin Mary, raising Jesus. It was more that I had no idea who I was and having my baby gave me a direction. It was sort of like my, ah ha moment. "Oh, I know, I will be a Mom!" That is how I have moved through the world for the last 26 years; as a mom. Now comes this question on the radio; what is your purpose? The question came from Maya Angelou no less and I am now compelled to answer it. Where do I begin though?

I have no interest in paying money for a web course or even reading a book about finding my purpose. I cannot imagine that anyone else, (who I do not know) will be able to find my purpose. That is my job. I also do not think that it is even something lofty. I am sure that whatever my purpose is, it is small, but big at the same time. My purpose could be as simple as the wind in someone's sails. My small push gets someone off in the right direction. Maybe even propels them to greatness…you just never know. Whatever it is, I hope that I can discover it soon, because each time I hear Maya Angelou ask the question; what is your purpose? I feel like I am not enlightened or fulfilled enough to get it yet. I just want to be able to smile and nod like all of the others that know there purpose and are following their destinies.

For today, my purpose is to be the best wife and friend, and mom I can be. I can be the shoulder for my friend to lean on and the shield to protect anyone who needs me. Today, my purpose is to squeeze every drop of life out of each moment, and enjoy this gift of living. I don't know that seems like a good start, what do you think? Oh, and by the way…What is your purpose?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Day 219 The Perfect Mom Project

I turned on the radio yesterday and there was an interviewer talking with a teen vogue blog editor. She writes a teen relationship column and was talking about a variety of relationships. One being mother and daughter. She also mentioned that most girls struggle with being "good". Girls are always trying to fit into the good category, or behave so to speak. Teen girls biggest issues are fitting in, being liked and worrying about being good.

This editor suggested that teen girls worry so much, when their mom does something out of the ordinary, because it embarrasses them. Something as simple as sending back food because it is cold can put a teenage girl into a tail spin, because it is embarrassing. The teen girl perceives it as not normal and drawing attention to them is like creating trouble. This apparently is very uncomfortable for most teen girls, being called out as different in any way. The editor recommended that moms do their daughters a favor and keep it up, because it helps them feel comfortable speaking up for themselves later in life. They are not worried later when they are older about speaking out, because it was modeled for them by their mom. They learn from their moms how to behave when they get older, so if we cave in and try not to embarrass them they will be more uncomfortable later being who they really are.

First of all, PHEW! That makes me feel a lot better, because I come from a long line of moms who modeled speaking their mind. I actually feel pretty good that I have daughters (if they are watching closely enough) who will be prepared to take on just about anything with confidence. Second of all I thought about how lucky I have been to have that gift of self care. I am not really sure how I got it, but I have it and I am glad. I have always been good about knowing my needs and trying to take care of myself. I know when to speak up (sometimes I don't know when to shut up), I know how to get what I need, and I also know that when you are faced with a confrontation either hostile or not. You should always leave the other person still respecting you (that part I have figured out late in life).

This is a huge leap for a person that in her early adult life did not have the confidence to walk into a restaurant alone. I basically was a walking advertisement for personal discomfort. If just being myself will help my girls have more confidence later then dog gone it, I am going to do it. You know…this perfect mom thing, might be coming back to me. Oh, that's right, the other thing this woman said was that we as moms need to stop living the illusion that we must be perfect, it is unobtainable and it makes the fantasy live on in our girls. Then they struggle with how to be a perfect mom and there is no such thing. Great, now she tells me! Well, don't worry, I do not care what she says, I am still going to plug away at this project of mine. I am too far into it to give it up now. I do know that I run the chance of perpetuating the myth of perfect momdom, but I am committed to this project and I want to teach my girls about following through. I know what you are thinking…what a great (not perfect) mom, right?

Monday, March 29, 2010

Day 218 The Perfect Mom Project


Last night I received a very kind email from a dear friend. She shared with me that she had been reading my blogs lately and she could sense my stress and frustration. She said some very encouraging words and then she told me about an enlightening revelation that she had that very day when she read about Wabi sabi. Wabi sabi is Japanese and the idea is that imperfections are a very important part of the overall picture in life and in art.

 
Here is a portion of what she wrote to me;
"I'm going to repeat a few of the lines that explain things. It originates in Japan and is said to describe the beauty to be found in imperfection. Wabi Sabi recognizes that all of life is in a constant state of change and that decay is as much a part of life as growth. The concept originated in 16th century Japan with a tea ceremony, a ritual that provided a way to step out of the chaos of daily life and reconnect with that which was simple and tranquil. It is said that Japanese artists will often leave subtle fractures in the glaze of a vase or a rough surface on a bowl as a reminder of the wabi sabi nature of life."


"There was a paragraph that hit me after reading your last week or so of entries. It says Wabi sabi doesn't mean settling for less than you deserve, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't work to improve your situation. Instead it's about balance and contentment rather than striving for the unattainable. It encourages us to accept our own flaws as well. I know that my moments of joy will pass, but so will my pains and sorrows. I will try to live them, learn their lessons and let them go."


Her comments went straight to my heart. It was like I had received this very special gift and each word was another piece of tissue I was pulling open until I got to the inner gift. That is, that I am OK just as I am. I can only be what I am now, and if I see that it's not working for me I can work towards enlightened change, as long as I understand that sometimes the imperfections are a part of the beauty.


I am blessed to have been handed a kind reminder from a dear friend that it is OK to not always be on your game. That sometimes the misstep or problem is the better part of the journey. As I look back over many of the journeys in my life I see that. If it had not been for my failed first marriage, I would not have my beautiful daughter Ashleigh, and I would not know how to pick myself up and dust myself off, and move on. If my Mom had not sent me away from home at the young age of 14, I would not be the person I am today. It was a difficult time in my life, but it opened up the world to me, and that would have never happened if I had stayed at home. If I did not mess up with my girls from time to time, I would not have the opportunity to apologize to them and open my heart for them to see who I really am.

 
I am an imperfect person, who loves life and people. I look for the fun in everything I do and I sometimes become trapped in frustration over wanting to please so many and not being able too. Some call me friend, some call daughter, some call me niece and some call me wife or mom, but whoever they are they all need to know that I do try and with this new perspective of Wabi sabi, I think that just might have to be good enough. Thanks, Kim

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Day 217 The Perfect Mom Project

I completely lost it yesterday. The thread that I was hanging from unraveled and I had nothing left to hang on to. I probably undid 216 days of this project. There is no use even explaining it all, all I can say is it was not pretty. After trying to hold it together, all it took was trying to get my family to start getting their stuff together for our upcoming trip and BAM, my tension ratcheted up and I lost it.

I just did not want one more thing to do. I do not want to be dealing with what they are bringing and what they need, 4 days before, or even (typically) 1 day before we go. I just want them all set, and I do not want to worry about it. Every time I look at my plate right now it is full. I cannot handle one more thing and yet my life just does not get it, because somehow I must squeeze more on the plate. I am going to have to get a platter to put everything on. It seems so silly that something as simple as getting my family to pack for a trip would unravel my thread. Perhaps it is just a symptom of the bigger problem. I am overwhelmed.

All I care about now is how do I fix this emotional mess I have made? Mark tells me we need to have a family meeting and discuss each family member's responsibilities for getting ready to go. He wants everyone to take care of themselves, and then all of the other items we will disburse at the meeting. Alright, that sounds good, but what about my issue with feeling like I have to make sure everyone is all set? What about the fact that I am the Mom and my job is taking care of everyone? At least, that is what I have been telling myself for the last 26 some odd years of parenting that I have had. I am starting to wonder if some of the mom rules I have for myself grew out of the fantasy of what a Mom should be like. My own Mom was not the example of mothering that I used, I can only assume that I have taken bits and pieces from friend's moms and maybe even TV moms to create the monster you have before you now. Then again I did use my mom as an example of what I did not want to be as a mom. Now, I have this huge mom mess on my hands.

Well, I will just have to ride this wave and see where I end up. I have 148 days left to fix this mess and maybe finish as a perfect mom. It's not looking good at this point though. I am just hoping that I can at least end up with kids that know I have tried my best. If I am lucky my girls might even want to use some of my parenting moves someday. Now I just need to work on me, because I just do not feel that good about myself right now.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Day 216 The Perfect Mom Project


My Great Aunt has a home filled with beautiful items from all over the world. My Aunt Nina and Uncle Ted collected these items throughout the years as they traveled together. Mark and I have been discussing lately how we will take care of all of these things for her. My aunt has two grandsons that are in their late teens that she plans to leave her estate to, but I am her executor. I have no idea how or where to begin to handle this process when the time comes. I just know that I would like to do it with as much knowledge as possible. It feels like it will be very overwhelming. Part of me wants to give the keys to her grandsons and say "Good luck!" and then hit the road, but I know it will not be that easy.

 
Honestly, nothing feels like it will be easy these days. As we prepare to go on our family vacation that is coming up very soon, I worry about what will happen while I am gone. Will my Dad be OK? Will my Aunt be OK? Will I be OK? I just feel like I am playing that game of, Monkey-in-the-Middle. Can you guess who the monkey is? There is so much up in the air with both my Aunt and my Dad and feel like I am always jumping up trying to get a clear view of the answers for one 0r the other of them. I think it is very interesting that I am here in the middle.

 
As for my Dad (as you might remember), he is determined to run our family into the ground before he goes, but at stake is an inheritance that was left to my mother many years ago. He stands lording over this kingdom that he says he built, and I laugh to myself because I know that his "kingdom" was built on the backs of my Grandparents. I also find it interesting to watch him play puppeteer with the family making promises and then refusing to honor them based on this very same kingdom. Nothing good has come from this money so far and I can only guess it is because it has only been used to serve his greed. I have told Mark that if possible when the time comes I would like to stay as far away from the vultures that will gather around for their "share". My Great Aunt Nina is always quick to tell me that the money was my Granddaddy's and I should fight for it, but I do not see it that way. All I see is the greed it brings out in people that have no idea how hard Granddaddy worked for it, and I just think it best that it is dissolved or better yet if my Dad's new wife is just as cursed by it as everyone else who has thought they deserved it.

 
Aunt Nina is another story, she has so much stuff. Her house is filled with T&T (trinkets and trash). She has the same issue; she is not willing to share anything she has. She is holding on so tight, and I feel like if she gave just a little it would change her life. From time to time she will open her hand just a little and share with a friend, but for the most part, she acts like the queen of her own little kingdom. I suppose at 92 she is less likely to change, but I just think if she was willing to release some of what she has her load would feel lighter.

 
Two people, too close to me, and I am in the middle. I cannot change either one, I can only watch and wait. In the mean time I am taking notes. I can see that living open handedly and sharing the gifts that God gives me and my family is the only way to really enjoy them. By holding the gifts close and piling them up I am only being greedy and there does not seem to be much reward or joy in that. Perhaps being in the middle in this case isn't so bad after all. I think the view from here is very clear.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Day 215 The Perfect Mom Project


Flip flop, flip flop, flip flop that was the sound of my daughter Avery heading off to her vocal concert last night. Against my better judgment and with a heated debate behind us, she was wearing her flip flop sandals. After pushing my point (rather heatedly) about how against her wearing flip flops I was, she looked at me and said, "Mom, I get it! You don't want me to wear flip flops." I just would not let it go, and when she said that to me, it was like someone threw a bucket of cold water on me.

I heard all her arguments for wearing them. They were the usual ones…everyone is wearing them, I do not want to wear my tennis shoes they do not match, I forgot I do not have any flats. The issue was that the 8th graders all got t-shirts to wear at the concert, so it was not a dressy event. As a mom I just wanted her to look nice and I was also concerned about her dancing (which they did in a couple of their songs) in flip flops. However, the biggest issue of all, (I saw after Avery helped me realize how deranged I had become) was that I was embarrassed. I did not want my kid wearing flip flops at the concert, it's just not appropriate! What kind of parent lets their child do that? Apparently, this kind, never mind that it is only 35 degrees outside, just flip flop yourself out of my car and go in to the concert

.It was just a slap in the face to realize that my biggest issue with Avery wearing the flip flops was more about me and what people would think then it was about her actually wearing them. Bah! Why in the world would I care? I have seen parents do way worse wacked out stuff at these concerts all the time and to be honest I do not even remember who they were. What is one flip flop wearing concert going to do? I guess we will find out, because she wore them. Once we got there I realized that she was going to blend in with all of her friends that were wearing them too. Most of all, it did not matter, because I spent the whole evening just watching her beautiful face as she sang. At that point she could have been barefoot.

 
So, I learned from the advice I received in the past but I never before had used. Don't sweat the small stuff, or it is not worth winning the fight if you lose the battle. Mainly, I just want my daughter to know I love her and I am proud of her and the young woman she is becoming. So, she does not keep her room clean and she wears flip flops when it is cold out, she is still a pretty cool kid (could be the shoes…just saying). Having three girls is not easy, but the third girl is helping me see what the other two girls have been trying to help me get for a while. It's who they are that matters, not their clothes or their shoes, or even how clean their room is. That does not mean that I am handing out flip flops as shoes now, it just means that I might be a little more enlightened today then I was yesterday. Go MOM!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Day 214 The Perfect Mom Project

We finally lowered the boom on Avery. After weeks of nagging Avery about her room Mark and I told her the other night that her grace period was over and she would do nothing until her room and her laundry were completely done. It has gotten to the point in her room where I actually fear for her health. Mounds and mounds of all sorts of stuff, nothing is put away; and the fact that her idea of making the bed is to attach one corner of the bottom sheet and throw her comforter in a heap on top of that.

I realize some of this is just part of life with a teenager, but the other part is that she has absolutely no interest in keeping up her room. Once she does clean it up she loves it and makes comments about how she is going to keep it that way, but it never lasts. Honestly I do think part of it is that this is her ground or turf, her kingdom so to speak. Her room is the one place where she makes the rules and she does not like anyone else sticking their nose in to tell her how to run things. As her parents, we feel like that is fine, but there is a point when we have to step in and draw the line, and that is what we have done.

Before I went to run some errands yesterday afternoon, I told her to get busy on her room, including making her bed, which she had tried to do the day before by putting a queen size sheet on her twin bed. When I walked into her room, my mouth fell open. "Avery? That sheet does not fit your bed, it is too big! You slept like that?" I said in my extremely shocked and amazed mom voice. "I know, but I did not know what else to use." She responded. "Um…maybe when you realized that it was too big, you should have asked for help!" I said. At that point I realized I was up against a child that had no interest in making this easy for me. So off I went to run my errands, crossing my fingers that she made some headway while I was gone.

Not long into my outing, I got a call from Avery. Her good friend had called and wanted her to come over, could she go? Her friend's mom would pick her up and everything. This is where it gets tough, because I wanted to let her go, but I couldn't. I had to stand my ground. "No, sorry Avery you cannot go" I said feeling like the Grinch who stole Christmas. "Fine!" she said and hung up the phone. I really struggled with feeling like a mean mom then. That's the worst part of putting your parental foot down; the kids think it is easy for us. They honestly think we (the parents) are happy about yanking the fun rug out from under them. That could not be farther from the truth. I want my kids to have fun and live the teenage dream life, but we all have responsibilities in life and if I do not teach Avery to be responsible and follow through on things, who will? Isn't that my job?

Once again here I am faced with questions about parenting and stumbling around because there is no guide book or parenting for dummies book out there with a clear answer for me. Unfortunately my girls are my guinea pigs. The other tough part is that each of them is different so what works for one does not work for the other. Which would explain why Aly's room looked just as bad as Avery's and I did not say anything. Of course, Avery pointed it out to me. All I said was that Aly will clean her room on her own and it takes her an hour, not three long weeks of nagging. At that Aly jumped up and cleaned her room. I thought it was a little brown nosey, but it did prove my point. Thanks Aly!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Day 213 The Perfect Mom Project

I was probably about 9 or 10 years old when I watched my Mom purchase an Indian sari and at the time she also purchased shoes that curled up at the toes, (I remember them as elf shoes) to wear with the sari. We were walking through a local mall and she was drawn to a table in the middle of the mall run by a merchant from India. I remember as she mulled over the fabric and made her choice she told me that instead of paying the phone bill which was overdue she was going to use the money to buy the sari and "elf" shoes. Even at my young age I remember thinking that was a bad idea and I remember the feeling of stress I had over her decision. Not surprising that shortly after that our phone was shut off.

First of all what was a 30 something white woman doing buying a sari? Second of all, why would she allow her phone to be shut off so that she could walk around in that get up? I still remember to this day her excitement at buying the fabric; she was so happy to have it and to make the sari. I also still remember being confused by her poor choice, and that feeling has stayed with me to this day. Now, as a Mom myself, I can only wonder over her selfishness. How do you become someone that only cares about your needs and desires? I honestly only remember her wearing the stupid thing once, and that is because I have a picture of us with her wearing it while we were visiting my Grandparents. Maybe we went to see them so we could ask them for money since we spent it all on the sari!
This story came back to me yesterday as I shopped with a friend and we came across some shoes that reminded me of the "elf" shoe that my Mom purchased many years ago. Also during our shopping trip yesterday, I received a call from one of my sisters telling me that my Dad had just gone back on a promise he had made to another one of my sisters. It is a long story, but essentially he had promised her and her husband a portion of profits from his company (that they have worked at with him for several years), and now he has changed his mind. He is going to keep all the money. This delights those of us up here (in the north) watching the whole thing because this sister sat smugly at our Thanksgiving meeting as we struggled with what my Dad was doing with my Moms trust and living will. She thought she had it made at the time, since she had this "deal" with my Dad. Now she is stuck realizing like the rest of us what a selfish man he really is. I am only assuming that the intent is to give all the money to his new wife.
I should say honestly that I feel badly for my blindsided sister. I know how all of us struggled with his crazy plans when this all started, we were hurt and shocked that he was showing more care and concern for this woman he had only known for a short time then he was for his own children. Now here she is having worked to help him build his company and he just yanks the rug out from under her for his benefit. This dying man does not seem to want to heal or unite his family before he goes; he is intent on tearing it apart instead. He has just bought his own version of a sari and "elf" shoes, and made it very clear that the only one that matters is him. Real nice, right?
I am grateful for these living lessons. They have helped me realize what is truly important, by showing me what selfishness and greed can do to a person. I hope that my own children will learn these life lessons a different way. I hope that by watching Mark and me they will learn that generosity and selflessness are important in your life. I hope that they will also learn and hopefully they already know that they are our greatest gifts to us. Our children continue to reflect back to us who we are and it is a beautiful gift. Nothing, not money, not clothes, not even "elf" shoes, nothing will ever have more value than our children; the gift that Mark and I gave ourselves! I only wish that my Dad would learn this lesson before it is too late, but odds are not good that that will happen, his time is short and he is way behind on this issue.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Day 212 The Perfect Mom Project


I admit it; I have been avoiding my Great Aunt Nina! I know I need to go see her, but I am so aggravated I just cannot seem to let it go. There are times in my life with her that I feel like I am raising another child. She wants things her way and she wants them now. She has temper tantrums and she can be very mean when she does not get her way. On top of all that she does not seem the least bit appreciative. The lion's share of caring for my aunt is on Mark. He stops to see her on the way home from work once a week to take care of her bills, and most weeks he stops at her house and checks on things there. He does work near where she lives which makes it easier, but it is definitely above and beyond his call of duty!

 
I know the only way to do this is to just jump into the car and go, because the more I think about it the more I put it off. When I visit I do not stay for very long, maybe ½ an hour to an hour. There is usually not a lot to talk about with her and she can be quite rude sometimes. There is also the issue right now about her wanting to go home, and I am not even going to discuss this with her. I guess if that is what she wants to do then by all means GO, but I will not be helping her! I will not put my stamp of approval on this crazy idea of a blind and partially deaf woman going home with only 2 to 3 hours of help 6 out of 7 days a week. If she wants my help with this suicide mission, she is going to be disappointed.

 
The other issue is that emotionally I am feeling like a volley ball bouncing between my own life, my Dads life and my great Aunts life. I am in a constant state of evaluating something. I am certain that is why I am having a tough time sleeping at night. Just when I think I have something sorted out in my head another unrelated, but just as important issue pops up. Since there is no way to avoid any of it, it all just rolls around in my head, sometimes moving forward as a priority and then stepping back into the shadows of my brain. The hardest part of all of this for me is that both my Aunts issue and my Dads are similar, but different. My Aunt is 92 and just wants to die; my Dad is 63 and just wants to live. When this all sorts it's self out I will be without both of them. That just makes me sad. If that is not enough to motivate me to go see my aunt then I do not what is. It is time to but on my big girl pants and go to see my great aunt. I think I will cower here at home one more day though I need to build up my emotional armor first.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Day 211 The Perfect Mom Project

Aly was upset with me yesterday. She felt like I did not care that she was sick. I was also not showing her the proper amount of sympathy. I was told I was more concerned when Avery was sick. I really did not know what to say. Since I do not measure how much sympathy I give or how concerned I am, I will have to take her word for it. I always tell the girls that just because you do not agree, when someone has feelings about something their feelings matter. You cannot tell someone else how they feel. With that in mind, I spent yesterday trying to figure out how to help Aly understand that I do care. I even went so far as to tell her I will pick her up early from school if she needs me to.

Honestly, my favoritism varies. One week, I will be worrying about Ashleigh and the next week Avery and some weeks it is Aly and Ashleigh, or Avery and Aly. I have three kids; I am constantly worrying about somebody. The fact that I have been called out on how much I care and how I care is bugging me. How the heck do you prove you care? I have given Aly medicine, asked how she is feeling and encouraged Aly to drink plenty of fluids. Where in there did I mess up and become an unfeeling ogre? What was the final straw that flung me into the disgraced place I am now.

While I must honor Aly's feelings, because they are important, I am still struggling with how to turn the corner on this and either learn from it myself or help her to see that I am working hard to be the best mom I can to all of my children. I am getting a feeling that this perfect Mom status that I was so eagerly seeking just a few short months ago is still a ways off. There will be no magic wand waving and poof, I am perfect! This is work! I am also starting to think that being perfect looks good from the outside, but from the inside it is nothing but a big pain. I still have 154 days left to figure all this out, but I am getting a little nervous. Time seems to be moving ahead more quickly and I do not seem to be any more perfect then I was when this whole thing started. There is no use worrying about it right now; it will just slow me down. I am just going to have to work on my sympathy skills since that is what has been brought to my attention. Work, work, work!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Day 210 The Perfect Mom Project


Todays photo is of a Aly who does not feel well, with Roxanne nursing her back to good health.
I am feeling very sad for Aly today. She has not been feeling well and all of the exciting things that she had planned for this weekend have been going down the drain one by one. Friday night she was watching movies at a friend's house and called her Dad to come get her because she did not feel good, then yesterday she went to a girlfriends birthday party, but came home early again just feeling crummy. When she came home last night, she realized that she would not be up to going to the vocal audition she had scheduled for today and she emailed the woman that she was auditioning for she would not be able to make it.

 
Aly has wanted a shot at this audition for a very long time. At our church they have a great high school youth program and they invite talent from the youth program to audition. It has been a dream of Aly's to sing for this program since we joined this church a few years ago. When she received the email a couple of weeks ago, she was so excited. She had chosen a song to perform and she was hoping that this would be her chance to live her dream. Now she is sick. I can only hope that they will give her an alternate date to audition. I just do not want to see her disappointed.

 
Today my work as a mom will be cut out for me. I want to help her get better, but I also want to make sure that she knows that she is fabulous even without the audition. She recently got a lead role in the High School spring musical, so I hope that by pointing out to her (I am sure she already knows this, but a "good" mom does it anyway) that no matter what she has that part, it will take some of the sting out of not going to this audition. But there is a very fine line, I must be careful not to cross. While I do not want her to be disappointed, I also know that disappointment is a big part of life. By helping her walk through this with grace, perhaps it will also help her later in life, if she is faced with an even bigger disappointment.

 
We have all been there, something we were counting on or hoping for and suddenly it is gone. The trick is the bouncing back. Taking the first steps forward and continuing on until the disappointment is behind you. And then you are part of the "Life goes on" club and you are allowed to give advice and support to others struggling through disappointment. I have to say that so far Aly seems to be handling the whole thing pretty well, so maybe she will not need me in her face trying to mother her, or give her advice. I will just stand by at the ready with my bag of Mom tricks just in case. It is just another day of me working towards perfect mothering, now I just need to figure out if that means I stand by in case I am needed or if I jump in and hand out my opinion. At this point I am shooting for standing by…wish me luck.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Day 209 The Perfect Mom Project


What happened? We were happily enjoying the lovely warm (66 degrees) weather, walking around without coats and even boldly slipping on our sandals. Even my crocuses decided to pop out and enjoy the glorious weather. This morning it is suddenly cold (35 degrees) and grey. It feels like someone has let the air out of our balloon (I LOVE balloons!). No more riding around with my sunglasses on with the music up too loud in my car, back to my warm jacket, drab winter colors and talk radio.

 
It amazes me how the weather can affect me. The brighter and sunnier that it is outside the brighter and sunnier that I become, I am assuming a lot of people are that way, because as it starts to get more spring like, people seem to be friendlier. I know with the weather being so wonderful the last few days many of us probably got a little too big for our britches and started acting like we had battled winter and won. I am sorry to tell you that looking out my window this morning, this is not true. We just may have been experiencing the lull before the storm. Mark is telling me that there is a 70 % chance of snow today, which means (besides the fact that Mark is a spoil sport) that winter, was just messing with our heads. The joke is on us.

 
We will just have to suck it up and make it a good weekend in spite of the weather. As of last night, Aly is not feeling well and running a low grade fever. I am hoping that she is better when she wakes up this morning; she had a fun weekend ahead of her. Avery is at a sleepover, their plan was to go out at midnight last night and get the new release of the vampire movie New Moon and then watch it. I am sure she will be a little on the grumpy side when we pick her up today. It could be a good day for Mark and me to go out and have some couple time! As for Aly I do not want to be the one that has to tell her that she cannot do all the things on her agenda, because she does not feel well. Perhaps I will let Mark do it he seems good at sharing the facts.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Day 208 The Perfect Mom Project


Ahhhhh…its Friday. I am very much looking forward to this weekend. Although I already know it is going to be very busy, somehow the thought of it being the weekend makes being busy OK.

 
Avery has a sleepover at a friend's house tonight, Aly has plans tonight and Mark and I have plans tonight. That is just the kick off to the weekend. Tomorrow is basically just as busy and so is Sunday. I keep telling myself that I should buy one of those giant calendars and put it on the side of my refrigerator for all of us to see, but it just seems too momish. I know it is crazy, since it would be way more organized. It does get a little stressful trying to keep track of everyone on my cell phone's calendar, since you cannot see each day laid out in front of you like you can on a good old fashioned paper calendar. Maybe I can find a calendar that looks cool yet has room for all of our activities. Aly is in the spring musical and Avery will start soccer soon; add to that the orthodontist appointments and other extracurricular activities. Throw in the things Mark and I do and you have a complicated schedule that requires a full out mom approved calendar system.

 
In most circles our family is actually not that busy. We have really tried to pare it down from what it was a few years ago. I just could not take the running to dance and soccer and all the other things that we had going on. It felt like we were in constant motion. I like to have the kids involved in things that they enjoy, but nothing good will come from them having their lives so packed that they have no down time at all. I like that we are able to eat dinner together most nights. Having that time to check in with everyone is a little like a human calendar. We are each able to talk about what has been going on and what is coming up too. This keeps us aware of each other and our lives, which I think is really important in helping us maintain our family relationship.

 
With the way our schedule looks this weekend, I think the closest we will come to maintaining our relationship will be high fiving each other as we are coming in and out the door. Now that we all have cell phones, I guess we can text each other too. Welcome to 2010, the year of the in touch, out of touch family.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Day 207 The Perfect Mom Project


I almost lost my potential perfect mom status yesterday. It started yesterday morning when I asked my youngest daughter Avery if after our dog Roxanne ate she could help me out and take the dog out. Her response was, "No, tonight is my night to take her out" Our family plan calls for the girls to take turns setting the table, feeding and taking out the dog and doing the dishes after we eat each night. The plan is that whoever takes out the dog also sets the table. So, last night was Avery's night for this task. Rather than jumping up and chasing my sweet daughter down the street with the broom, I decided I would reason with her. I explained (not calmly) to her that other then the girls taking out the dog once each night, most of the taking out of the dog fell on me or her Dad. "So?" she replied. So… (Can you believe she said that to me?)? "So, you better take out the dog!" I said extremely aggravated. She did take Roxanne out, but I am certain that she yanked her out and yanked her back into the house. Poor Roxanne had to pay for the fact that I asked Avery to help me out. Then she had the nerve to say to me, "You're not going to thank me?"

 
When I was a child my Mom's famous saying was "Children should be seen and not heard!" I was constantly reminded of my subservient role. I am trying to figure out how she (my mom) got away with that, since my kids have all always been seen and heard. Now that they have hit the teen years, they like to be seen and heard even more. Honestly, I can handle the fits of anger and the talking back now and then, because over all I have some great kids. It also helps that I have one daughter successfully launched into the world. Those things give me hope that the next two will make it out of here, without too much push back from them. My Mother-in-law had told me once that she had said to one of her daughters, not to fight her, because she wanted her to grow up and move out. That's what I want my girls to know too. I am just a stepping stone in their lives. In the not too distant future I will be setting these last two children adrift out into the world. So, I guess if they are going to test authority, and give somebody a hard time I am probably the best test track for that. Of course, that does not mean I have to like it!

 
As I sit writing this Avery has asked me if I am writing about her. I said that I am. I even read to her what I wrote. Now, she is suggesting that perhaps I give up writing my blog and take up bracelet making, or something. I guess it is a little uncomfortable for her that her teenitude is hanging out for the world to see. I like my new word, combining attitude and teen really makes sense, at least at my house. Because we have teens with attitude many days of the week, so it is more easily explained as teenitude. Let's see, what would be the definition of teenitude? Teenitude: Teenager with the delusion that they know way more than their parents (who are idiots), and the inability to control their temper or mouth when it is in their best interest.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Day 206 The Perfect Mom Project


Happy St Patrick's Day!
I have always known that I am the emotional thermometer for this house, but it is really obvious when I am stressed. My aunt Nina wanting to go home has put a giant knot between my shoulder blades, which has also caused a stress reverberation within my house. The old saying "If Momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy" is true at this house.

 
I notice it most in Aly. She can pick up on my mood every time. If she sees me crying she will cry. She does not even have to know why we are crying; she just opens up her tear ducts and joins in. I felt bad for her yesterday, because I was trying hard not to send my stress vibes out, but out they went, and poor Aly was caught right in the middle. Once I realized how I was affecting her, I tried to keep to myself. I do not want to take out the whole family over this issue with my Aunt.

 
They basically told me at the nursing home yesterday, if she does not want to be here, we cannot keep her. Since she is of sound mind (their words, not mine) she is legally able to sign herself out and go home. We all have to stand by in horror and watch. Already one of her friends is telling me, I should go to court, I should do this, and I should do that. The truth is I do not want to go to court or anything else for that matter. The social worker at the nursing home has told me to be blatantly honest with my Aunt about what we can and cannot do for her. When I talked with Mark about all this last night, I told him that we should just tell her that if she wants to go home she will have to do it on her own, because we do not agree with the idea. We honestly do not want to be responsible for this choice and we do not want to start jumping through hoops to make it happen. Now the fun part will be telling her this, because if Aunt Nina ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

 
All of that aside, today is St Patrick's Day and it is always a big event at our house. We have been checking to make sure everyone is wearing green. I make boiled supper with cabbage, potatoes, carrots and corn beef. We all add green food coloring to our beverages and listen to Celtic music. I am sure you remember that I like to celebrate anything I can, so today our family is going "green"!

Todays photo is of Roxanne and Oliver helping me to decorate for St Patricks Day

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Day 205 The Perfect Mom Project


At 4:00AM I decided that it is best that I get up and write all of yesterday out of my head. I remember when the girls were younger and in elementary school, they did a balloon launch, where they sent a message out with the schools address attached to a balloon. Each day they would get letters from people who had recovered those balloons. In the mornings when I sit down to write it is like I am filling a balloon full of my life to release out into the world.

 
How could a day that started so innocently suddenly turn so fast? You might recall that yesterday I had no real agenda, except for getting Avery healthy. With one ring of the phone mid morning, my day made a dramatic turn.

 
Mark worked from home yesterday so that he would be here when our new cable and internet company came to wire our house. Many times when we have had workman here for something they will show me how things work and what to do next and when I relay the information to Mark, it is like the information has been run through a blender. Mark will end up staring at me with a blank look. This time my bright idea (thanks to a friend) was to ask him to be here to get the information first hand. I have to say, it was a darn good idea! Having him here when the phone rang was a big help too.

 
The first call was from my great Aunt's nursing home. The social worker was calling to give me a heads up that my aunt had informed them that she was going home if not now then tomorrow. Obviously, neither one is possible, but how do you change my Aunt's mind without crushing her spirit. I immediately came up with the idea that Mark could call her and talk my Aunt off the ledge. They have a great relationship and she trusts him, so maybe she would listen to him. I told the social worker we would give it a shot. When I told Mark my great idea, he gave me the "Great, thanks a lot" look, and made the call. My Aunt would have none of it, she was going home. To hear her talk, she can walk, and cook and do all the things she used to do just a few short years ago. She was going home and she was not going to have 24 hour care and that was that. Mark told her, he would talk with me and call her back later. In one flick of the wrist my trusty side kick had thrown me under the same bus I had tossed him under. That's the last time we talked to her yesterday, because we are so confused about what the heck to do. We do not want to take away her control, but she is not thinking rationally and we are getting to the point where we might have to intercede and make some tough decisions.

 
As we sat trying to configure my laptop to accept and send email on our new internet connection last night the phone rang again. This time it was one of my sisters with an update on my Dad. He has decided to continue with Chemo. The doctor told him that it might buy him another six months. The doctor also recommended that if he went with the Chemo, he should start at 80% strength, but my Dad has decided to go with 100%. He was also told his heart is functioning at 65% capacity and there is a good chance that the Chemo could damage or possibly shut down his organs. All I could say to my sister was, "I don't understand". On the one hand, it is like watching a John Wayne movie, where he gets shot over and over and keeps getting up to fight the bad guys, and on the other hand you are in the audience bracing yourself thinking…don't get up, please don't get up, because it is so hard to watch. I just hung up the phone and looked at Mark, not knowing what to even say.

 
That is when one of the balloons I released was returned with a very unexpected but welcome response. We had just finished setting up my email when I looked down and there was an email with a comment on one of my blog posts. When I looked at the name, I looked at Mark and said "Oh, MY GOD!" It was from one of my cousins that live out west. I have not seen or spoken to him in many years. His timing was perfect. In one swift and kind email he reminded me that there are people in my life that are pulling for me even when I cannot see them. That message was just what I needed at just the right time. Thank you Cousin, for being there even when you did not know I needed you.

 
I step out into day two of my week, today. Avery will be back at school and I will be wrestling with my Great Aunt and what she has up her sleeve. Somehow I think I can do it, I have great back up, good family, good friends and another blog balloon going out into the world. I just love balloons!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Day 204 The Perfect Mom Project


We sprung forward yesterday. We turned our clocks ahead one hour. This is something we do every year, we spring forward and we fall back. No matter what we have the same reaction every year; we are tired. I went to bed early last night, my clock said 9:30PM, and my body was tired. If we had not sprung forward, I would have been in bed at 8:30PM. The time did not matter to me, I needed the rest.

 
I set off this week with no real agenda. I have many things I want to accomplish, but Avery is home sick today and it seems like it might be the flu, so it is best that I just ride the wave and see where I end up. I am not feeling particularly inspired or energized. It could be the weekend full of rain that has me unmotivated. I just hope that I can accomplish something. Clean a closet or two; dust a little and maybe even vacuum. No matter what I do it will be better than doing nothing, which is what it seems like I have done the last few weeks, trying to recuperate from whatever has been attacking my lungs. I am not 100% better, maybe 75% so I still do not want to push too hard.

 
Today, I will care for my daughter, run some quick errands and try to think of something to make for dinner. Phew, big agenda! I will also play taxi for Aly and one of her friends that she is in the play with. The one thing I know for sure is that, my day revolves around my kids, and that's what I do best right now. I guess that is why they call me Mom. So with that I am off, no long blog, just the facts.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Day 203 The Perfect Mom Project

Last year at this time, I was planning my first of two visits to see my Mom. My Dad had called and said that my Mom's time was short and that if I did not come see her I would regret it. There is such irony that here I am almost exactly a year later, in the middle of the same situation with my Dad. The difference this time is that realistically, my Dad and I have a very small emotional connection, if we have any at all.

My struggle now is this; if I went to see him, who would it help? He has built a new life for himself in a very short time. He has swept all of his girls out of the picture (literally) and adopted the lifestyle of the woman he married. While two of my sisters were there recently he pulled each aside to tell them how embarrassed he was at their behavior during the family meeting over Thanksgiving and I am still waiting for the call, I know will never come about the copy of the blog I wrote about him.

I am hurt that all of our family photos have been piled in a room and the door has been closed. If I am hurt then how must my sisters feel? At least I saw it coming, I have spent my whole life jumping up and down trying to get the love and attention that I needed from my Mom and then I added my Dad to the list once they married. Nothing has ever changed. After years and years of therapy I am finally able to move on from that need. My Dad has moved on too.

I have no doubt that his anger at my sisters is minuet compared to his anger with me. I did not jump on board his, "I am in love and I deserve to be a happy" crazy train. I did not pacify his conscience with comforting understanding of his need to be happy or his new wife, that he married fifteen seconds after my Mom was cremated. I have always believed happiness is a choice not a right. How dare he prance around claiming he has a right to happiness as if no one else does. He is embarrassed because of us? PLEASE! Perhaps a long hard look in the mirror of his choices would straighten that out. I think his embarrassment is pointing in the wrong direction. I think that my Dad and his new wife are the ones that should be embarrassed.

Finally, I know that my attempt at reaching out to him will not be acknowledged. That is not who he is. Even now with his life coming to a close, he cannot seem to reach out to any of us, let alone me. I do not expect him to understand me now, that would be a big ah ha moment and it would fly in the face of his "right" to be happy. At this point in our relationship, I can only stand by and pray for him. I pray that he will die peacefully. I pray that he finds his way to the light. I pray that he knows at the end that love conquers all things and that if not to me, that he at least reaches out to his other children and shows them the love and grace they deserve from him. Mostly, I pray that his heart is turned and that he can see that God is there ready and waiting for him if he would just reach out with an open and unexpecting heart.

I will not be going to see him. I will love him for his part in my life. I will pray for him, but I will not put myself in the middle of this mess he has created. I did that last year for my Mom and it almost crushed the life out of me. Now with all the dynamics that are in play it would most certainly destroy me. I will continue to call him for as long as he will accept my calls; that is something I can do. I may not like his choices or his behavior, but I will show him grace and love, because that is the right thing to do. I will continue to ponder the irony of the path his life is taking now. I feel God at work here, so I will step aside and let him work his wonders. Time is short, but there is sweetness at the end if my Dad would just reach out for it. I am not the judge, I am the servant. Maybe by continuing to show grace to my Dad, I can help do Gods work. Basically, it is all in God's hands now.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Day 202 The Perfect Mom Project

Where to begin…two days ago my youngest sister called to tell me that my Dad had called her and talked to her about the recent report from his doctor. Apparently the Cancer has spread in his lungs, liver, and diaphragm and now there is Cancer surrounding his heart. His doctor told him that they could continue the treatments, but it would only prolong the inevitable, the doctor also told my Dad he has months to live.

Two things ran through my mind,

1. Now what…

2. Why doesn’t he ever call me?

Now what do I do; do I go see him or do I wait? Now what will he do? Now what will happen when he is gone? Now what do I say to my kids? I have so many questions and very few answers. All the questions come back to one place for me, another question, where do I fit in this picture?

In my heart I know why I do not hear from my Dad. I believe that I have always been the thorn in his side. I do not “go along” with him and humor him or flatter him. I am not (and never have been) someone that tolerates arrogance. I have never pretended to agree with him when I do not. I have opposed him on things that he was adamant about, one of those things being my Moms care. I did not jump on the “good for you” train when he told me he was seeing someone while my Mom was alive. Basically, (as a family member said of me lately), I do not play the game.

That being said, it is time to put all of that aside. It is no longer about me, because God willing I still have a glorious life to live. It is about being true to who I am yet honoring a man who is dying. He will not change who he is now. He will not suddenly find a spot in his heart and love me unconditionally. He will never be what I wish he was. He will just be Dad. My Dad; the only Dad I have ever had. When he does leave this earth to be wrapped in Gods loving arms, he will leave to me the gift of sisters. That will be my treasure, the light in the darkness.

As I was contemplating all of this yesterday a friend posted this poem on Facebook. I believe absolutely everything happens for a reason, and I felt that this was no accident. I hope you will take the time to read it. It responded to the final question I have pondered the last few months…why me?

When You're Asking 'Why Me?' Remember This ...

________________________________________

Sometimes people come into your life
and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson
or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be;
your roommate, your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, love or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them,
you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you
and at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair,
but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles
you would never have realized your potential, strength, will power of heart.

Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity
all occur to test the limits of the soul.

Without these small tests,
if they be events, illnesses or relationships,
life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life and successes and downfalls you experience, they are the ones who create who you are.
Even the bad experience can be learned from...
Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust
and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you,
love them back unconditionally,
not only because they love you,
but because they are teaching you to love
and opening your heart and eyes to things
you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment
and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before,
and actually listen,
let yourself fall in love,
break free and set your sights high.

You can make of your life anything you wish.
Create your own life and then go out and live it!

~~ From author Craig Lock ~~

Originally posted on Bellaonline.com

Friday, March 12, 2010

Day 201 The Perfect Mom Project


Yesterday the fact that I had written for 200 days flew under the radar. I wanted to focus on my Mom's day and so that's what I did. With today's Blog I now have 164 more days to go until the project ends. Writing this blog has been more healing and centering then I ever expected. Each day writing out what has been trapped inside my head has helped me to move forward in my life. I have also made it through the winter with a much better attitude then I ever have before. This written journey is not over, but the pathway that has been laid out is shorter now.

 
Yesterday, I had my cake and ate it too!! It was delicious! This morning Mark and Aly passed on a day after birthday slice of cake, but Avery and I added a slice to our morning breakfast. Avery just might be a chip off the old block when it comes to cake. Honestly, I think I have mentioned before that Avery acts like sugar is a food group, so the fact that she jumped on board for a slice of cake this morning is no surprise. I did tell Mark and Aly not to come crying to me if there is no cake left when they get home today. I only have so much restraint. I do have to say though that I chose a Bumpy cake which I have never had before. That is a darn rich cake! I do feel like I might have an oil slick in my tummy.

 
Now that it is warming up it is time for my family to start discussing what we will do with my Mom's ashes. I could keep her sitting on the end table in my living room, but I do not feel that suits her. A friend had suggested that I put them in my garden and plant something with her. I liked that idea very much. It would be an appropriate thing to do for my Mom. We could choose a day that is warm and sunny and lay her to rest among God's great work. She would be forever surrounded by beauty and her loving family. This would be a wonderful way to honor her life. Avery has suggested that we plant daises, and I think that would be a great idea.

 
The anniversary of her passing will be May 22nd. I think that we will plan something around that warm and sunny time of year. Since we are on day 201 it is probably a good idea to move forward in my journey, I need to head towards closure and healing. With the end of this journey comes another, I have received more news about my Dad which I will share with you tomorrow.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 200 The Perfect Mom Project


Today is my Mom's birthday; she would have been 73 today. I bought a cake yesterday that we will share after dinner tonight in memory of my Mom, my Mom loved cake and she loved ice cream. I also love cake and I know Ashleigh does too. When I was a young woman I was home from out west visiting my Mom, and I remember us at dinner time setting a chocolate Pepperidge Farm cake in the middle of the table and each of us going at it from opposite sides. I never thought it was unusual or even crazy; it was just all part of my life with my Mom. At our house I always allow the girls to have some of their birthday cake for breakfast the day after their birthday. It has always felt like the right thing to do. It helps extend the birthday a little longer and for me (with my love of cake) it is a shot at another piece of cake. Supposedly when you sleep with a piece of wedding cake under your pillow, it will bring you good luck. It makes sense to me that eating a piece of birthday cake the day after your birthday would also bring you good luck.

 
Yesterday afternoon, the girls and I stopped at the florist and purchased some daisies. Daisies were my Mom's favorite flower. I have decided that I would like to remember the things about her that made her special. My Mom had a quirky sense of humor, thinking back I remember that my Granddaddy and his three sisters were also very humorous and I am sure that my Mom learned this gift of humor from him. I sometimes see little slices of her humor in my girls. To me the gift of laughter is a great gift, and if she gave me nothing else, she taught me to laugh at myself and find the funny in life.

 
Today, I plan to remember her as she was before the Alzheimer's disease took her over. I am not going to allow her end to color who she was in life. Even weeks before she died, while Ashleigh and I were visiting her, I remember laughing through the whole visit at the things she was saying and doing, and I also remember her delight when we brought her a cake. At one point when I was not feeding her fast enough, she almost fell out of her chair leaning over to grab the cake from me. I have heard many times that time heals all wounds, and I am starting to believe that this is true. By the grace of God, I am able to remember my Mom for who she was and the memories of our struggles are starting to dim.

 
Today, the sun is out and they are saying it might hit 60 degrees. This would have delighted my Mom, (Miss Mari) she loved warm days too. It is almost as if she might have had a hand in planning the day. As I gaze at my daisies and look out at the sun, I find myself looking forward to tonight… because there is cake to be had!!
Happy Birthday Mom, You will live on in our hearts and humor.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Day 199 The Perfect Mom Project



Today is a one dog day; Louis my Granddog has gone home to his family. Roxanne and I miss his company very much, but we know he is happy sleeping in his own bed and cuddling with his Mom and Dad.

 
Well, I am on round two of antibiotics. I am still fighting some sort of infection in my lungs so I went back to my doctor to try to get this nasty crud out of me. I am hoping by the time I finish the medicine on day seven I will be over and done with this mess. It really is cramping my style. I am tired again which makes it tough to accomplish a whole lot around my house. Even yesterday I was worn out after Aly and I finished our shopping excursion. The weather has turned spring like early this year and I would love to be out walking and enjoying the warmer temperatures, but instead you can usually find me plopped somewhere in my comfy clothes or jammies. I just want the real me back.

 
Since I am updating on past blogs, I should also talk about the news I received about my Dad yesterday. My youngest sister called and told me that she had talked to my Dad yesterday. He had a CT scan on Monday and his doctor called to tell him that the Cancer is growing and not shrinking from the chemotherapy. His Cancer is now spread in his lung and diaphragm, and there is also Cancer in his liver. There will be another CT scan next week on his legs and back. He has had some problems with his legs and there is some issue with blood clots. Over all, my sister feels that my Dad has only a few weeks left of life and I find myself wanting to go see him. This is another reason why I would like to get healthy. I cannot go see him right now when I have this infection. I would not want to take the chance of him getting something from me. I do not believe, that what I have is something that I can pass along, but I want to be safe, not sorry.

 
I have mailed his birthday blog to him (Day 192) in hopes that he will read it and know that I care about him and love him. My sister shared with me yesterday that he was still feeling like his money was more of a concern then he was. He is still harboring anger from the meeting we had when we were there at Thanksgiving. He feels we embarrassed him by speaking out about our feelings. I feel that the air had to be cleared and whatever feelings all of us had should come out. I do not believe in sweeping anything under the rug, or pretending that everything is OK when it is not. The only one that would benefit is the person that is making decisions that we do not agree with. I know my Dad is very sick and I know he will die, but I cannot stand in the lie that what happened at Thanksgiving or even everything over the last year is OK with me. I was hurt and sad and his choices contributed to that, so at the time I feel it was important to clear the air.

 
Time will be the only healer now. There are things that are best left unsaid and knowing that time is limited I want to focus on the positive. Over the days, weeks and years I will have to continue to sort this out on my own. One thing I know for sure is that I am glad I stood in my own truth. It may have been embarrassing for my Dad, but he created the mess and if he was embarrassed it was of his own making. I have no regrets.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Day 198 The Perfect Mom Project


Today is Mommy/Daughter day. Aly has the day off of school, and we are planning on doing a little shopping and hanging out together. I love the mother/daughter outings with my girls. The special time with each one of them alone is very precious to me. It is always a great chance to get to know them and to give them some one on one time too.

As the younger girls get older I am beginning to enjoy this time with them, I have had this special time with Ashleigh for a while and now I am able to enjoy the same thing with Aly and Avery. When they were younger the dynamic of our time out together was different. The focus was on the destination more than the time together. We would go to the park so that they could play, or go to a movie (probably Disney) or sometimes the library. Anything that we did would involve keeping the girls entertained.

 
Now my younger girls are old enough that I can go out to eat with them or shopping or even for a walk and we are able to just talk to each other. This is the part of the circle of family life that I truly enjoy. I am phasing out of the full on parenting and moving into the guide and mentor phase. I am now able to walk beside the girls and not lead them as much. I feel good about who they are and the choices that they making. This is the final flight of their growing up years, from now on they are working on the "where do I go from here?" phase. This is not to say that I am throwing up my hands and giving up, but I do feel confident in whom they are becoming and I trust them.

 
I enjoy my time with Ashleigh so much, when we are together we laugh and talk and share who we are with each other. We are not only Mother and Daughter we are now friends. I am in love with this time in our life together. The best part about my younger girls stepping into this phase with us is that now instead of a single scoop cone I will have a triple scoop of delicious Mommy/Daughterness! Yum!

 
So, off I go today skipping down the path of motherhood hand in hand with my sweet middle daughter. Realistically I know that since the younger two are still in their teens we have a few more rocky roads to go down, but at the end of the road will be the sweetness of a relationship that I never knew with my own mom. Perhaps that is what makes my relationships with the girls the most special, that so far I have been able to create a relationship with my girls from scratch. I did not have a parenting schematic to follow, so I was just winging it. Whatever it is that has brought me to this point, I love it and I am looking forward to a good day and a great lifetime with these beautiful young ladies.

Monday, March 8, 2010

email address change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Friends

 

I just wanted to let you know that my new email address is now ragen.beadle@gmail.com.

 

Please update your records, because I want to hear from you!

 

Have a great day!

 

In God’s grace,

Ragen

Day 197 The Perfect Mom Project


There was big excitement at our house yesterday; Avery got a cell phone! This goes against everything that I stood for just a few short years ago, my how the mighty have fallen. I stood high on my "no cell phones for my kids" mountain, looking down at all the parents giving in to their kids and smirking. I was never going to let my kids have a cell phone until they were driving.

 
It started when Ashleigh got her first car; we gave her a phone to keep in her glove box for emergencies. She was a senior in high school at the time. She tells the story to this day that it was the size of a sofa cushion. When she went off to college we upgraded just a little and after a year or so of us trying to share minutes (HUGE mistake) she ended up getting her own phone and plan. Then you might recall that last fall I went in to the phone store with Aly to get a new phone for me and signed her up on my old phone. That was a big step and I really struggled with it.

 
Now here we were, faced with Avery needing a phone for a school trip and the idea of adding minutes to our pay as you go phone. We figured out that we would spend more adding on minutes then we would just by getting a new phone for her. Once we got to the phone store things just started fallen into place (or all Hell broke loose). Mark was looking for a new phone for work and with his phone came the opportunity to have up to 4 free smaller phones. Hhhhhmmmnn, this sounded like a great deal! So suddenly I was coming off the high and mighty mountain and wallowing with the rest of America. So Mark, Aly and I ended up with new phones and Avery got my old (yet still new) phone. The passing on of the old phone was more symbolic, since we could have gotten her a phone, but I felt that since we had fallen so far off the mountain, that this might be a small redemption. At least I was not giving her a brand new phone right? Plus, from a sibling stand point, Aly had my last hand me down, and it seemed fair to do that for Avery.


I am sure that for Ashleigh she is watching all this and scratching her head wondering how any of this is fair. Her middle sister got a phone at 14 years old and now her youngest sister is texting and talking at the ripe old age of 13 years old. All I can tell you my sweet girl is that you have blazed the trail for your sisters and there are so many more trails left it will be a never ending unfair journey! While Ashleigh is scratching her head, I am hanging mine in shame for all the years I acted so much better than the rest of the cell phone users in America. I will fall in with the pack now, just like a good little sheep….Baaaaaaa.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Day 196 The Perfect Mom Project


Since Wednesday when I wrote about my Dad on his birthday, I have been trying to decide if I should send a copy of that day's blog to him. The feeling of what to do intensified yesterday when one of my sisters called to say that her family and our youngest sister were in New Orleans as a surprise to Dad for his birthday. She did not want me to be hurt that I wasn't contacted about the trip, it was very last minute and when they were talking about it my youngest sister said that I had already told her I would not be able to go right now. That fact was true, not only have we a limited budget because of our family trip we have planned, but I have been fighting who knows what and I do not want to take any illness down to him. Honestly though, I am sad I was not there.

I know that they were planning a party for him and I would have loved to have been there and be a part of the celebration. Part of me feels a little left out and that makes me sad. The other part of me knows that that is their Dad through and through and they need and deserve every minute they can carve out with him. I will always be the odd man out and just a little black sheep like. There are so many dynamics swirling around this whole situation, that it makes THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, seem like a family reunion. I care about him (Dad), but I also still have the scars from the hurt he has caused. I have forgiven him, but I also know that I am still wounded, and a little piece of the wound stung when I got the call that they were all visiting and I was not included.

All of these feelings swirling around made me think that I should just go ahead and send him a copy of my blog from his birthday so that he can at least read how I feel. I could never say any of that to him directly, so this would be my way of sharing my heart with him. My concern has been how he will take it when he reads it. Will it help him understand that I do love and care about him, or will it just be disregarded as trivial nonsense, which has happened so many times between us about things that matter a great deal to me. My final decision was to just take a leap of faith and believe the best. I am sending him the blog with pure and heartfelt intentions. If he takes it any other way, I cannot control that. I have to just put my feelings out into the universe and ride the wave. At this moment it is more important to me that I share with him that I care then it is that he really believe it. In the end, the Greater judgment of my intentions will be what matters.
Todays photo is from a 2002 visit to New Orleans to visit my parents

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Day 195 The Perfect Mom Project


I know, I know, I have to write my blog…but my mind cannot seem to focus this morning. I keep thumbing through a list in my mind and poking around websites on the computer and nothing mothering or very family related is surfacing to write about.
I am FRUSTRATED!! I have been growing gradually larger in bust size over the last five years and I do not know why. I am certain it has something to do with hormones and menopause, but other than that I have no information. As I was out shopping the other day I did my usual swing through Lord and Taylor at the Mall. I like scouring the clearance racks for fabulous deals and I generally will poke around lingerie to see if there are any cute and comfy bras to fit my constantly changing cup size. That is the other issue. I am still the same size around that I have always been; my cup size just keeps getting larger. I went to "my size" on the rack and grabbed a pretty nude bra and a black one that looked the same and headed to the dressing room. I was excited, the bras were on sale, I had a 15% off coupon and I had Christmas gift cards for Lord and Taylor, this was meant to be!
I stepped into the dressing room and closed the door. I was certain that today was the day I was going to find the elusive comfortable and pretty bra of my dreams. I put on the nude colored bra and…SUCCESS! Unbelievable! In my head trumpets were playing and I was full of pride at how my determination had paid off. At last a comfortable and pretty bra and it was just my size! I decided I should see what the brand name was on the bra, (because I knew I would be buying more of these) so I turned the tag over to check for the name and was shocked to discover that I had picked up a bra that was the next cup size up from what I have been wearing. I grabbed the black bra and looked at it; nope it was the size I have been wearing. Somehow the bra Gods had intervened and slipped me the proper humongous size to try on. Obviously, I had to buy this bra that fit right and was a great deal, but now I had another "big" problem.
We are leaving on a sunny beach oriented vacation soon and I have no swimsuits that fit me properly. I tried on the suits that I wore when we vacationed about six years ago, but when I wear them now, I look like a giant hooch! Now I know why, because I am abnormally shaped with the abnormal being on the top half of my body. Swimsuit shopping is tough enough without the added stress of being impossible to fit. When I was blissfully ignorant of my size, I assumed that the swimsuit makers were idiots, now I know that I am the idiot and I have to get moving and find something to lay on the beach and by the pool in. I was poking around online the last few days and it is not easy to find swimsuits for someone like myself. I pointed out one to my husband and he thought it was just OK, and when I explained that the $88.00 price tag was just for the top alone, I nearly lost him.
This is not going to be an easy task at all! Gone are the days of popping on a cute suit I love at the store, this is going to be work, and I do not have a lot of time or a lot of money to make all of this happen. I have two children that will need items for the trip as well as my husband, who would be happy wearing anything, but is in definite need. Suddenly I am in a state of panic to go along with my sticker shock! There is no way around this, I just have to dive in (just a little pun) and get to it. I am faced with continuing to heal (from this lung issue) and getting myself out there to shop. Add to that, motivating my children to try on their clothes from last summer to see what will pass or fail and I am really behind the eight ball. So, gangway, I am on a roll and being top heavy once I get going you are going to have a tough time stopping me!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Day 194 The Perfect Mom Project



Well, I am at my wits end! I know you are probably tired of hearing me whine about not feeling well, so I will spare you the details, however…how much longer can this go on? That's it, nothing more.

 
I had a great time with my daughter Aly yesterday. I picked her up during her lunch hour at school and took her to the orthodontist. After her appointment we stopped at our local Coney Island for some lunch. We chatted about a lot of things including boys. I mentioned that a friend's daughter had seen her walking down the hall with a boy a while back, and she told me that, that had been a short lived relationship. She had discovered that they really had nothing in common and it was not a very comfortable or easy going friendship. She decided to just move on.

 
We watched as two little girls ran into the restaurant, probably between the ages of two and four and as they ran up to one of the waitresses, they grabbed her around the legs and yelled "MOMMY!" It was the cutest thing; it took me back to when my girls were that little. You could hear them in the booth behind us with their dad trying to decide what to have for lunch. They were both so excited, and when their lunch came they both squealed "MAC AND CHEESE!" with such excitement that it made both Aly and I smile. I looked at Aly and said "Remember when you used to get excited about your food?" Aly just laughed. As we were preparing to leave the waitress stopped by to see if we needed anything else and I asked her if those were her daughters (this was mainly to be polite, because it was pretty obvious) and I told her how cute they were. She told me that they were 20 months apart. My youngest girls are 22 months apart and I shared with her that they fought like cats, but were good friends through thick and thin. The waitress agreed that her girls were the very same way.

 
It was a nice feeling thinking back and remembering my girls as little. As they have all gotten older I have left some of those memories locked in my brain, and it was a warm happy feeling to remember back to the cute little outfits and happiness about just about anything including food. As my girls have all gotten older we have gotten so caught up in the business of daily living that we have left some of the joy and amazement at some of the simple things behind us. Seeing those cute little girls so full of love and enthusiasm reminded me that I still have that with all my girls, just that it shows up differently.


Now there is excitement over an outing with friends or a trip somewhere. There is the occasional excitement over some shoes or an outfit and once in a while extreme excitement over my spaghetti or the possibility of pizza. I hope that the joy over the little things never leaves their lives, because some days that is just about all that gets you through. Yesterday it brought me joy to know that Aly could discern between a good relationship and a bad one. As I picked her up from play practice last night I shared with her, that I was proud of her for recognizing that this boy was not right for her and moving on. I explained that she could have hung on to the relationship just so she could say she had one, but by letting it go it showed her maturity. Our house rule is no dating until 16 and Aly is 5 months away from that mile marker. It is a good feeling to know that she is learning now what to look for, because someday soon she is going to run into the house grab me and squeal, "MOM, SO AND SO ASKED ME OUT!" That will be when our excitement chart will switch up again to include Proms and college and more weddings.
My, how time flies when you are just being a mom!
Todays photo is from  Ashleigh's senior prom (Isn't she beautiful?)