Day 250 The Perfect Mom Project

My day yesterday was a day of emotional confusion. I had many conversations with my youngest sister as she struggled with wanting to see my Dad before he dies. She feels like she needs to talk with him and clear her name. She is worried that he will pass away, and she will not be able to take back the things she said at our family meeting in November. You might remember that he pulled her aside when she went there for his birthday (March) and told her how disappointed in her he was for speaking up and saying how hurt and concerned she was at the meeting. Now she is struggling with the guilt of his disappointment, and she wants to make it right.

My heart is breaking for her. I had hoped I could go with her to see him and support her, but Avery's birthday is Monday and then Avery leaves Thursday for her school trip to Chicago. I cannot leave my daughter right now. The other piece is that I am so angry that he attacked her for speaking her mind. She will have this guilt for the rest of her life. I cannot help but wonder why he would want to do that to his children when he knows he is dying. Another issue that I mentioned to my sister is that it is very close to the anniversary of my Mom's death and it is hard enough dealing with that, let alone being down there with him and his new wife in what was my Mom's house.

I have battled with myself, thinking that I should go because that is the right thing to do, but the truth is, I know I am the last person he would want to see. My sisters have also told me that he was going to have words with me about my "behavior" at the November meeting and although I am certain at this point he is not thinking about that, I do not want any terse words to be my last memory, I already have enough bad ones. I know that if he said anything to me, I would be likely to tell him that I said what was in my heart and I was there to represent my Mom who could no longer speak for herself. Since he was busy taking care of himself and making sure he was happy, why he would be surprised that anyone else would want to do that is crazy.

As I write this I am having this surge of anger at him for making my sister feel guilty for speaking up. How dare he hurt her like that? She was opening her heart and sharing how hurt and sad she was and instead of gathering her up and holding her and reassuring her that she was still loved and valued, he smacked her down and made her fell like her feelings did not count, and now she will have to live with that the rest of her life. How will she ever overcome that? How will she ever feel like she has worth, and that her feelings matter? I am so sad for her and for all of us, because these are wounds that will not heal. All of his children will carry scars from him forever. What sadness he is leaving. It is not just sadness for him as much as it is hurt and hard feelings he is leaving behind. I have seen this in books and movies, but I never realized until the last year that it happens in real life too.

I will be praying today for God to take him peacefully from his physical pain. I pray that if my sister goes to him that my Dads heart will have turned and he will give her comfort. I pray that even though I am not there he will know that despite our troubles, he is the only Dad I have ever had; he was part of my life and my children's lives. There seems to be no good way for this all to end. I keep thinking that it is like an earthquake and we are going to continue to feel the aftershocks for months to come.

Day 249 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday was a doozie! I went to see aunt Nina and took her the dress that Aly and I had picked out for her and had dry cleaned. As I walked in she asked me what I had, and when I told her, she said "I'm not wearing that!" "OK, why not?" I asked her. "Because, I am wearing my black pants and top" she said. I stared at her for a few seconds and then I said. "Alright, that's your decision, but if you do not want to wear it, then I will give it to someone else here that might want it." I was annoyed, but not surprised. If it is not her idea, she is automatically against it. I sat there making small talk with her trying hard not to act annoyed, when she says to me "I told Nancy, she and Craig could use my house for a card party they are having." "What?" "I am not sure that is a good idea Aunt Nina, how are they going to get in to the house?" I said this knowing that either Mark or I or her aide/companion Anna would have to trot over there to let them in. The other interesting piece is that Nancy is Aunt Nina's ex-son-in-law's girlfriend. She has been visiting my aunt several days a week, and my aunt goes on and on about what a good friend she is.

My Aunt has a stove that the only thing that is working on it is one burner. There are piles and piles of all of her personal papers with account numbers etc. all over them on two different tables and no one has been staying at the house since last August. The house is not in good condition at all. The reason they want to use her house is that Craig has been remodeling his house for the last 12 years (not exaggerating), and they do not have a working kitchen or any place to entertain. All I saw was red flags. It's her house and she can do what she wants, but she did not even like me looking through her stuff, and she has know me my whole life, now this person has assured her she will go in and tidy everything up and I am ticked! It just happened that Nancy called my cell phone yesterday to find out if my Aunt was feeling OK, because she was not answering her phone, so when I called her back, I assured her that my Aunt was fine, and then I mentioned that this idea of a party at my Aunts house made me very nervous.

I am not sure how all this will turn out; and I really do not care if I make my Aunt mad, because I am trying to protect her. I mean who does that? Granted my Aunt offered it up, but why would this woman except? My Aunt says she trusts Nancy and she is not worried about it, but there are a lot of things that could happen. What if someone gets hurt at her house, what if someone takes something, what if, what if, what if? I am hoping that my comment to this "friend" on the phone will at least let her know that not everyone is on board with this. If she has any sense at all and truly does care about my Aunt she will then back off of this crazy scheme.

As I was leaving my visit with my Aunt, my cell phone rang. It was my sister calling to tell me that she was on her way with her husband, to New Orleans to see my Dad. He is refusing certain medications now and he is in a lot of pain. He wants to see my sister to discuss the final preparations for the estate etc. All I could do was cry. I do not like all of his choices in the last few months, but I am very sad for the horrible painful way he is dying. Cancer is literally eating him alive. All I could think of was that my Mom died last year on May 22^nd, and I wondered if she was standing there at heaven's gate waiting for him? I also find it ironic that he is so close to death around the same time that she passed. I am not sure what will happen next, but I have braced myself for the hurt and sadness that is bound to come in the next few weeks.

Day 248 The Perfect Mom Project

One question…why when it is a morning when I can sleep in, is it the morning that my family hits the snooze, walks and talks the loudest and turns up the radio? Wednesday mornings are my sleep in morning, and for whatever reason either my own body wakes up anyway, or there is some kind of commotion going on that wakes me up. I guess I should just get up, and stop kidding myself that I can sleep in on Wednesday mornings.

 I am off to visit Aunt Nina today; it has been a week since I have visited with her. Apparently she is not feeling well, she has been coughing and she has a slight fever. I have called the new community where she is living and left three messages inquiring on her, and no one has called me back. Now I am annoyed, it seems like this move has been good for Aunt Nina so far, but if I cannot get feedback on how she is doing, we are going to have a problem. I cannot get there as often as I would like, because of distance and time, so I count on them to keep me updated. Hopefully, I can speak with someone today and get this straightened out.

 I am also going to take Aunt Nina a Prom dress, yes, I said Prom dress. Tomorrow night is their Senior Prom at the community she is living in, and I found a very pretty dress at the Salvation Army and took it to the cleaners. I hope that she will not flip out about me bringing her something to wear. I just want to help make the event special for her. After all those months sitting in that boring nursing home, I want to help her have a little fun.

Just to make my day even more special, today I am having a Mammogram. I have not had one in a couple years, so it is way past time. Last year, I did not have a lot of time, with flying back and forth to see my Mom, and then her Memorial service. So it is time to make sure I am in proper working order. I seem to be fairly awake, despite my restless morning, so I plan to make it a good day. Even with a Mammogram I can make it a good day if I try hard enough, so that's what I will do. Wish me luck!

Day 247 The Perfect Mom Project

If I can get my fifteen year old through drivers training and she actually gets a license it will be a miracle! She will be driving along doing quite well and I will point something out to her and she loses it one minute and then another time she is fine. Now I am gun shy. Maybe that is part of her plan.

 She seems to be driving fairly well, but she does tend to pick up speed at random times and when it comes to pulling into our garage, I never know who is driving, it could be Jekyll, or it could be Hyde. One day I can mention that she needs to adjust the car before she pulls in or back up and try again. Yesterday, I said to her "If Dad's car had been here you would have hit it" her response was "Well his car is not there!" then she proceeded to tell me that she cannot drive with me. Really? Because you are no peach yourself sister! Look, if I could I would let Mark handle all of the driving, but I am here with her more than he is and I can offer her a lot more driving time. The big picture is that I want her to drive, I want her to be able to spread her wings, and most importantly I want her to be able to drive herself places.

 I admit it, I want her to grow up and have a life of her own. Maybe I am not the best driving partner for her, but at this point beggars should not be choosers. Either you want your license, or you want mom to drive you everywhere, or worse yet, your younger sister who in about nine months will start drivers training too. OK, that just hit me. My youngest will start drivers training in nine months, how crazy is that? Maybe she will be more receptive to my instruction. I will not even get my hopes up, however she has been in the car during many of Aly's training drives so, with any luck she may have picked up a few things. I sure hope so, because I am not sure I can go through this again.

 I do remember when Ashleigh was learning to drive, as we drove down our street I would be flinching and yelling "mailbox, mailBOX, MAILBOX!" as I saw my life flashing before my eyes. She has actually turned out to be a good driver and I am no longer frightened to ride with her, so I know there is hope for the other two. I guess I will just have to be better about packing my patience when I step into the car with my trainee. However, I think we will have to have a chat about who pays the bills and who butters her bread so she understands two things, first of all, I am the person that she needs right now and second, you do not want to make me mad. You think I am hard to drive with now?

Day 246 The Perfect Mom Project

I really do not want to start my perfect mom project over, but I do feel like in the last two weeks I undid a lot of the progress I had made. So here I am trying to get back up to speed with my project and Avery tells me that while she was using my DS game she misplaced a piece that goes with the game. Hmmn, is it possible that perhaps I am being tested for some reason? As I try to explain to Avery why I might be annoyed that she misplaced a part of my game, she becomes aggravated with me. I see myself sliding down the slippery slope of imperfect mothering all over again. Is it really that unreasonable that I would be annoyed that she lost a part of my game? I don't think so, but she begs to differ. Fortunately during this verbal tousle the piece is found and we can move on to more important things to annoy her about, like taking a bottle of water to school with her.

 I have to keep reminding myself that no one is truly perfect and that the hardest part of being a mom is realizing that we are people too and that imperfection is a human condition. I spend way too much time looking at other moms and comparing myself to them. By doing this, I have learned some good things that I have added to my mothering line up, and I have also learned some things that I will definitely avoid. While I hope that I am someday recognized for trying my best to be a good mom if not a perfect one, I realize that right now my youngest children swing back and forth like a pendulum on when I am good at mothering and when they consider me bad and wish they could move out.

 I guess all I can do is keep plugging away at this Mom thing and hopefully when all is said and done I will have three finished products that I am proud of. The side note to that is that I also hope that they are proud of me too. Time will tell if this all works out, but no one will be able to accuse me of not trying. Actually, my Mom use to tell me I was very trying…whatever!

Todays photo is of me making waffles for my family

Day 245 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night we were invited to visit with some friends that we had been on the Mexico trip with. We had not seen each other since we had been back and it was good to catch up with them and look at pictures. We also chatted about things that happened on the trip and it was fun to see things through someone else's eyes. The most interesting part of our conversation came when our husbands left for a few minutes to pick up Avery and her friend who had gone to see Aly in her play.

 As my friend talked last night, I learned that while I was having my long frustrating overwhelming week, so was she. She shared how, on top of her job, she had a ton of laundry that had been dumped in her laundry room, and she shared how her lawn mower had been broken and she had wondered if it would ever be fixed so the lawn could be mowed. Everything she mentioned as a frustration I had felt too. On Friday night when I went with my girlfriend (that has just lost her Mom) to see Aly in the play, she mentioned how swamped she was because she had been with her Mom the week before our trip, and then went with us on our trip to Mexico, then once back had a week of visitation and then the funeral. My friend also works at a very high pressure job and she shared with me that she had over 600 emails when she finally got back to work.

While every day of my life has not been a bed of roses, I have been able to learn how to make lemonade out of lemons and how to look for the positive in almost any negative. I have also learned to live my life believing that everything happens for a reason (negative and positive) and that it is my job to discover the reasons. I am happy I realized how easy it is to get caught up in your own life and frustrations and forget about the people around you. I also realized that instead of focusing on me and whining about my frustrations, it might have been better to reach out to my friends and talk openly about what we were all going through, so noone was going through these times alone. I guess you could say it was an AH HA moment. Perhaps if I had not been so shut down and focused on me, I would not have been as frustrated. 

Suddenly, I realized how easy it is for me to get so wrapped up in my world and my own frustrations and pressures that I forget that others are feeling these same things, sometimes even more so. I was also ashamed of myself. I have a great life and I sometimes forget that everyone has troubles, not just me, and for everything that happens that I think is upsetting, someone else is living through far worse.

 I will continue to contemplate the irony of these conversations with my friends. I will take this life lesson along with me and hopefully use it. Welcome to life's buffet, grab a plate and help yourself to some reality!

Day 244 The Perfect Mom Project

I had a wonderful day yesterday, hanging out with my oldest daughter Ashleigh who had come in to town for Aly's play. She had stayed the night after the show and we made plans to do a little grocery and produce shopping together since she cannot find a lot of good produce and food items in the boonies where she lives. I am not saying boonies to be mean either; she really does live in the middle of nowhere.

So, how did my daughter who hates bugs and the outdoors, end up living in the country and learning to love boating and snowmobiling? I think love must not only help you forget, but it truly does conquer all things. Ashleigh may live in the middle of nowhere, but from the outside looking in, she has gone somewhere. She found a great man who loves her, and although he works long hours, sometimes seven days a week, they have made a great life for themselves in the boonies. They have made great friends and they have a beautiful home. They are always doing something fun together.

As we talked yesterday, I found myself thinking how great she was. Ashleigh has matured into an even more beautiful woman now that she has married. I enjoyed talking with her about all sorts of things and getting her perspective. They were easy and comfortable conversations and I realized I had raised a great kid, who has become a great friend. I am a very lucky Mom! My biggest disappointment is that we literally for some weird reason have no pictures of just us together. This is a problem I intend to fix as soon as possible.

I want to savor these times. I hope that in the years to come I can move into the same type of relationship with my younger girls. Only time will tell if this is possible, but I plan to work hard to see this hope become a reality. Being friends with my girls just seems like a beautiful present that when it is handed to you, you hate to open it because it might spoil the package, but once you do open it you are delighted at what you find inside. It is just a beautiful gift all the way through, inside and out!

Day 243 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is of my Star!

Last night all of yesterday morning's frustrations washed away as I watched my middle daughter perform in the opening night of her school musical. I was in awe of the gift she has. I have been here before, my oldest daughter Ashleigh got the bug for performing as a freshman and she was in every show there after and now the tradition continues with Aly. I just sat in my seat holding my heart so that it would not burst out of my chest! It just amazes me that we were the same people ready to throttle each other in the morning and in the evening she was my sweet talented daughter and I was bursting with pride.

I guess in a way it is like child birth, you go through the pain and discomfort to have a child and then after you realize how wonderful your creation is, you are willing to go through it all over again for another child. It is the blessing of forgetting. You forget that it hurt, you forget the discomfort and you forget how hard it is to have a baby and raise a child. That same blessing of forgetfulness helped lift Aly and I over the anger hump and on to the more level love plateau. When she walked in the door from school yesterday she started talking to me and I just reached out and grabbed her in a hug. That was a great hug I felt all the anger and frustration melt away and the gift of forgetting began when we both said "I'm sorry".

Today is a new day and I hope that if nothing else, I can remember that love does heal all wounds and that no matter how I feel when I see laundry cluttering my counter, or the girls are talking back to me, we are still family and they are a part of who I am. That also makes my revenge sweet, because one day, my girls are going to say something or see themselves in a mirror and I will be there, in the way they think, or laugh or even in the way they look as they age. That's when they will realize…they are like their mother. Bahahahahahaha!

Day 242 The Perfect Mom Project

I'm done…I have completely lost it. I started the morning by walking downstairs to get something and finding a wet towel lying on the floor in the laundry room. I decided I would pick it up (annoyed that it was left there) and put it over the laundry sink and as I stepped towards the sink I stepped in puddle of water. Now, my socks were wet, so I wiped up the water threw the towel over the sink and ran to change my socks since I was on my way to work out at 5:30 AM and the thought of working out in wet sport socks did not appeal to me. Now I was racing around the house trying to hurry, and not thinking very nice thoughts about my family. Where did the water come from? Why was this left here and not put away? How come the water wasn't all cleaned up? AAGGGGHH! I had to go meet my friends to work out and my family was all still sleeping, so I had to let it go.

When I got home an hour later I was already ramped up about the wet towel and the water and I barked at Mark about it, then I went downstairs thinking I would put the towel and wet rags in the washer later and I realize that Aly has left clothes in the dryer and folded laundry all over the basement counter. Now I was beyond ticked, I have told the girls to please do your laundry and put it away, but it never happens that way. I am usually reminding and nagging them about it. It certainly did not help that someone spilled laundry soap on the washer and dryer and did not bother to wipe it up. So as I yelled up the stairs to Aly that she had laundry in the dryer, things started heating up. She started telling me how she had to go to school and how she had been in a good mood and now I had ruined it. Now we had a full out in your face yell fest going on. I was thinking to myself, your mood is ruined? How about my morning that started with a wet sock? How about when I go downstairs and laundry is piled up and no one bothers to take it upstairs. Even when I do the laundry for them it will sit down there like it is in laundry detention. When an item is needed then it might make its way up the stairs.

Now, Mark was stepping into the mix, and that stirred me up even more. I know he wanted to help the situation, but it was too late, I was beyond any help. I have been feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I tried to explain to Mark that he goes to work and hears "Good job, Mark", or he gets a raise. The girls go to school and they get an A or positive feedback from their teachers. I get, "There is no peanut butter" or "Can you take me?", and "Can you pick me up?" "Do I have to________ (fill in the blank)? "Why do I have to___________ (fill in the blank)?

Honestly, I have told my family that they have no idea all the things that I do to make their lives run smoothly. I think I make my kids do more than some of my friend's kids. I have them make their own lunches and do their own laundry. I also expect them to do their homework. I do help them out when they need it, but I am trying to teach them to take care of themselves. I want them to learn that everyone has responsibilities they have to take care of, mainly because Mommy is not going to move out with you when it is your time to leave and if you do not learn how to take care of things here, where will you learn it?

The biggest problem now is that I have become a nagging, screaming, hag. I feel like the girls have completely stopped listening to me. They are taking what I ask them to do as suggestions. The constantly repeating directions has got to stop, there is no way to repeat the same direction the third, forth, and fifth time in a nice way! Even when I spoke to Aly this morning, I started out on 50 of the nagging scale and raced up to 100 in a matter of seconds. This got us nowhere except angry and she left for school crying (I hate that she left like that), and I continued complaining for another half of an hour, with Mark as my hostage. I am defensive, angry, tired and most of all just overwhelmed. I feel unappreciated and valueless. Honestly, I think that if I was a weather map, you would see the storm cloud just swirling over and over me with no clearing trend in sight.

That's where I am at, no perfect mom, just a giant stomping around crushing all the villagers. Now what?

Day 241 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is Ashleigh my prototype opening a cookbook on Christmas morning 2009

Aly was on cloud nine this morning. She will do the play she is in for the school today and tomorrow is opening night. She is very excited and she is talking nonstop. I am doing my best not to stump on her good mood, but I did have to mention to her that the toothbrush cap that has sat on the bathroom counter since we got back from Ashleigh's on Sunday was now sitting on my last nerve. I had decided not to pick it up, since very often that is what I do and then it magically gets washed and put away by the special cleaning fairy.

 I have a very bad attitude about that these days. I think my habit of just taking care of this stuff as I go through my day just might be the reason that my girls look at me like I have a third eye when I ask for help with things. I am sure they are thinking why can't the special fairy that always helps us help you instead? Now, I think I will have to be more aware of what I am doing. Better to leave the toothbrush cap and mention it randomly then to pick it up, I could be helping her learn to pick up after herself. I could also be aggravating her, but that part I am not worried about.

 Avery is home sick today. She has been fighting a cold for a few days and she just needs to get some extra rest. I will not be here much to nurture her though. I have my annual physical today and then I have to run and see my Aunt Nina. I have her phone for her new room at the senior community. I will pretty much just drop off the phone visit for a few minutes and then head home to check on Avery. I do feel like I am handing out slices of myself these days. It is sort of like, one for me and one for you, only it feels like I have less slices then most people. I really do not mind any of the things that I am doing, it is just that somewhere along the way I need some down time. Ashleigh is coming down tomorrow to go to the play with us tomorrow night, so I will enjoy spending time hanging out with her.

 I have to say, having been to Ashleigh's house, she turned out OK. She keeps her house clean and does her laundry too. So maybe the other two will turn out tidy after all. I guess a Mom can dream. I am positive that the cleaning fairy did not move in with Ashleigh and Scott, so it has to be a seed that was planted at some point perhaps even by me. It is kind of nice having a finished prototype, something to go back and look at when your next model isn't just right. It helps remind you that despite the problems the end product turns out great.

Day 240 The Perfect Mom Project

Today I am running on empty. I am tired. I have been going none stop for almost 4 weeks, and even though part of that time I was on vacation, I was still on the go. I have also spent almost every moment with someone or doing something for someone and I just need a day with no obligations. I need some alone time.

I made two trips to get Aly from play practice yesterday. The first time there was a misunderstanding about what time she was done with practice and the second time she was actually done. Once home I had dinner waiting for her and Mark who also had come home late. While Aly ate I went outside to weed whack the yard, since Mark had bought a new lawn mower and I thought I would help out with getting our yard somewhat back in shape. After I was finished I came inside to Aly and Avery sitting at the table doing their homework and the food still out on the stove and dishes everywhere. "Why is the food still out?" I asked in a very annoyed mom way. Aly replied "I have to do my homework." "So, because you have to do your homework, you cannot clean up the food from the dinner that I prepared before I came to pick you up from school? We are all busy here, not just you." I told her. It went back and forth like that until she put away the food and then I went ahead and finished cleaning up the kitchen. I was aggravated, but mostly I was hurt. I feel like more and more as I do things I am less and less appreciated.

I think that there is an expectation that I will do things, but I am not allowed to expect anything from anyone else. My girls are living a great life, but they do not understand that it is sponsored by Mom. Maybe instead of giving me a hard time, you could just do what I have asked you to do. It could be that they are young and do not realize how upsetting it is to not be appreciated, or it could be that they are spoiled and just do not care. I am going to assume they do not realize, because if I thought that they did not care about me I could not take it.

I have some tasks to accomplish around here today and I feel like I am wearing lead boots. I hope I can get some things done and then I want to just sit quietly and enjoy being alone. I just need some time to do some thinking, a lot has happened recently and a lot more is going to happen, and I just need some time to think. There is my Dad, my Aunt, My kids, my house, my husband and still my Mom and somewhere in there I need to find a little piece of me.

Day 239 The Perfect Mom Project

After another great visit with Ashleigh and Scott, we came home tired and unenergetic. We are all still dragging from last week. I am not sure what happened to us on vacation, maybe too much relaxation, because we are all complaining about how tired we are. Mark and I did go out for a few minutes to look at lawn mowers last night. We cannot put off the inevitable we are going to have to buy something so that we can get our lawn mowed. I think if we do not get at it soon, we should just throw wild flower seeds out there and go for the natural look. That might not make our neighbors too happy though.

 Today is moving day for Aunt Nina. I am hoping that this move will be a positive change for her. The place that she is moving to is more of a community and less of a hospital environment. She will have her own room that looks out on to a court yard and there are activities of all kinds for her to be involved in. I know that she still wants to go home, but she does not want people in her home, so this is our only alternative at this time. I have high hopes that this will be a positive change.

 Yesterday I called my Dad to let him know we were back from our trip and to see how he was doing. He sounded pretty good and I mentioned that once school was out we would try to come visit him. After we hung up I got in touch with my youngest sister to see if she was thinking of going down to see him and she told me that he had requested my next oldest sister to come down (alone) before the end of the month to go over his will. Apparently he does not think he has much longer and he wants everything sorted out. That is not something he would ever say to me. I know that we do not have a real parent child relationship, I have always annoyed him and that is not going to change now. For some reason I still feel it is important for me to make an effort, even if it is not a returned gesture. Even now, knowing that his life is coming to an end he cannot seem to reach out and heal the relationships that he has broken. I can only stand back and watch with sadness as he hurts my sisters over and over again. I wish it was different, but so much has happened since my Mom has died that I have to focus on what is right for me and my family. The most I can do for my sisters now is support them and help them through this difficult time. I still cannot get past the irony of the timing. It was exactly a year ago I was flying back and forth visiting my Mom before she died. Here we are again, walking down this path with life and death holding hands. I find this all very interesting and sad.

 On a happy note I have a great life, I have a fabulous husband and great kids and I have my dog back by my side. I also have a wonderful support group of friends, who look out for me and care about me. No matter what happens I can handle it, with back up like that I cannot go wrong. Now, I just need to get Aunt Nina moved so I can get back home and do something about this lawn!

Day 238 The Perfect Mom Project

Why is it that when I ask my youngest daughter to do something she says "OK" and then does not do it? This question is driving me nuts. I am certain that I am doing something wrong. I just cannot wrap my head around it. If you are not going to do what I asked you to do, could you please just say no! I get my hopes up thinking she is actually going to do something that I asked her to and then BAM, nothing!

 Here we go…yesterday, I asked Avery to please make sure she had her soccer stuff together so we were not running around at the last minute trying to find it before her game. She told me she had. Then I asked her to please vacuum the basement for me to which she replied, "I will after I get my soccer uniform on". Exactly 45 minutes later I asked Avery if she was dressed yet and she replied "No". Now I was getting ticked, not dressed and not vacuuming, my blood pressure was rising and the clock was ticking. As I stepped into her room to find out what the holdup was, I see the sweater that I had just washed (along with the other 1,000 pounds of laundry from our trip) lying on the floor underneath a shoe. I was suddenly screaming in my head and then I swore out loud (not a proud mom moment) and hung up the sweater. Then she tells me she cannot find her shin guards she needs for the game, "Weren't you suppose to be getting all that together earlier?" I asked her. "I know Mom!", at that point for every ones safety I grabbed my purse and left the house.

 I just needed to cool off, I love my daughter, but we have entered the great mother/ teenage daughter divide and I have got to keep it together. I do not want to keep going round and round about all the things she does that bug me. I just want to make some sort of peace treaty to get us past this parenting point. I made it through with Ashleigh and I am almost through this with Aly, so with a little patience I could sail through this time with Avery. Not bloody likely! At this point I can see that we are more alike than we know and we are getting on each other's last nerve. We both have our own way of doing things and we just want the other one to get it and move on. How to do this is the question now. Do I just lower my expectations, or do I wait it out in hopes that someday she will be better organized and move more quickly when she is working on tasks. Honestly whatever I do, I just do not want to damage my relationship with my daughter, because in the big picture she matters more to me then her clean room does. For now I would appreciate it if we could keep that information just between us. I just want to see if we can come to an understanding and if she sees that I am showing any sign of weakness she might use it against me.

Day 237 The Perfect Mom Project

All Avery said was "You did not make a copy of that picture like you said you would." That was it! I replied, "I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE BUSY THIS WEEK!" Something about her comment just shot me right over the edge. I started making all these lists in my head of all the things my family was "supposed" to do and did not. I was also making lists in my head of all the things I had done for everyone else this week, including spending the entire day yesterday getting things ready for Aunt Nina's move on Monday. Avery kept saying how what she said was just a comment, but I was insulted. I have driven these kids everywhere including appointments. I have done a ton of laundry and tried to make meals out of pretty much nothing, since I have not had time to go the store. The worst part is she said this to me as I was making dinner.

 I think the scale is not balanced evenly. Why is it OK for my kids to not pick up their stuff when I tell them or shut off the TV or computer when I tell them? How about when I just ask them to help me out around the house, dusting or vacuuming? You would think I was asking them to jump in front of a moving bus! Now I do not copy a picture and I am called out about it. The worst part is I do not remember making that promise and if I did it was probably something like, "Mom, can you make a copy of that picture for me?" and I responded, "Sure". Suddenly with my acknowledgement of the request I am indebted to my 13 year old. "Sure", can mean a lot of things including, I am not sure what you are asking me but I should respond, so I will…sure! Now I am trying to figure out why she could not make the copy herself.

 The picture I have of my daughter today is that she expects a lot from me, but does not feel that she has to follow through with the expectations I have of her. The hard part is that the best lesson would be to leave her in a lurch a couple of times and see how she likes it, but I cannot do that. I know we will have to talk about this whole thing, but right now I just feel unappreciated and only important enough to do laundry, make dinner and copy pictures. Oh, and to drive my kids everywhere! I am steaming angry and I know that I need to cool off before I discuss this any further. My last attempt at discussion last night left me standing in the middle of my kitchen yelling at Avery and Mark. Not a pretty sight! I guess this just proves that, if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I know that I am feeling a lot of pressure and I feel like we did not have a soft landing from our vacation, we fell! We fell back into our real life and we are standing in the middle of a yard that is well past needing to be mowed, it now needs to be harvested. We also fell into my Aunts needs and my kid's needs and my houses needs. I have been running nonstop since we got back and I am getting nowhere and I am dangling from the ledge, so the best bet is to stay clear of me until I cool off!

 After soccer and play practice today, we head out to Ashleigh's to visit and pick up my sweet puppy Roxanne (absence makes the heart grow fonder!). I am looking forward to hanging out with my daughter and son-in-law. I guess I need a break from my post vacation week or a vacation from my vacation!

Day 236 the Perfect Mom Project

It's Friday! It feels good to be at the end of the week, but I honestly do not know how we got here. It feels like our plane landed Monday night and we woke up to Friday morning, the entire week is a blur. The next few days will be busy too. Today I go to see my aunt and start packing her up for her move on Monday, plus I will be dropping off the paperwork I have filled out, to the new senior living community in preparation for my aunts arrival there. I will also grocery shop today since my family insists on eating. Somehow we still have to mow our yard, which will be a real trick since we still do not have a lawn mower (it blew up at the end of last summer).

 The house is still in post vacation turmoil, and so am I. It is not a good feeling. I like to be on my game, but that is not going to happen any time soon. The bright spot in the coming weekend is that we are going to see Ashleigh and Scott, and pick up my dog Roxanne. While it adds another layer of things to do, it will be good to see them. Before we can do that Aly needs to get through school and two play practices and Avery has school and a soccer game tomorrow. Somewhere over the rainbow is some down time.

 I do have to say that my girls have been awesome this week, neither one has complained or whined about anything. They have moved through this week with Mark and me with grace and maturity. I guess that we must be doing something right over here. Now if we can just get through the 39 some odd days that are left in the school year that would be great. We are coming into the busy time of the year with plays and concerts, honors evenings and soccer games. If we can just stay as calm and focused as our family has been this week, we just might make it through. In the mean time, I am planning on taking it one day at a time!

Todays photo is just a beautiful reminder of where we were just one week ago...

Day 235 The Perfect Mom Project

This morning we were off to the orthodontist at 7:30 AM. Now at 8:30 AM we are getting ready to go to the funerals. Mark is heading out to our friends Dad's funeral and Aly and I are headed to my girlfriends Mom's funeral. This will be a sad day. We love our friends and we are sad for their loss, but we also know that both families are happy that their loved ones are at peace.

The best we can hope for is to be a comfort to our friends and their family as we share this final day with them and their loved one. I pray that we can say all the right things and be good friends in this difficult time. As difficult as this week has been to come home to, it will never compare to what our friends have had to deal with.

Tomorrow I will be going to see Aunt Nina and making plans to move her to her new home. I will be approaching this with a new heart, since I now know that losing her would be much more difficult then I realized. I will try to approach her with more patience and more love. I also realize that Mark and I are all she has now.

I am certain with everything that I have let fall off the family map this week, that I am very low on the perfect mom scale, but I cannot be everywhere and do everything, so this week, I hope I can just make it through by just being an OK Mom.

Day 234 The Perfect Mom Project

We are all still dragging. I think it will take my family seven days to recover from our vacation. But with the busy week we have ahead of us we have to keep pushing forward. Yesterday, as I worked on load after load of laundry, dropped Marks car at the tire store and did some minor cleaning around my house I decided should give my Aunt Nina a call and let her know we were back. That one call added more to my list of things to do.

 "Hi Aunt Nina, How are you doing?" "Terrible, I want to get out of here, I want to go to the senior living place as soon as possible!" she replied. One sentence turned me into my aunt's puppet again. After speaking with the social worker at the nursing home it has been decided it is best for everyone if Aunt Nina moves to the other facility. She has become extremely agitated with her roommate and the staff and nothing seems to make her happy anymore. So after calling the senior living facility I received about 25 pages of paper work to fill out. My aunt thinks she will be moving any day, and I have to be the one to tell her it will probably be at least a week. On top of our all ready busy week, Aly has an all day play practice on Saturday and Avery has a soccer game. Once we are done with those obligations we are planning to head out for the two hour drive to Ashleigh's house to spend some time with her and Scott and pick up my sweet dog, which I miss very much.

 While I think that this move really is the best thing for my aunt it is frustrating that she seems so childish with the expectation that I can make all of this happen based on her time frame, and with no real understanding of what I am actually able to do right now. I will start working on all of this paperwork today and the senior facility is sending someone over this morning to the nursing home to access my aunt to see what type of care she will need once she moves. Even this will be a trick, since she seems to be able to convince people that she can do things that I know she cannot do. All I know is that I have not been able to grocery shop yet and I am waiting for my family to revolt. My fridge is empty! I guess we will have to eat out tonight on our way to the visitation for our friends Dad. Last night Mark and I went to our other friend's visitation for her Mom and ended up leaving our girls home. Aly had just gotten home from play practice and had homework to do, and Avery was piled high with homework too.

 The big picture is that life hands you all kinds of surprises, and you just have to roll with them. Watching my friends deal with their losses, I realize that once my aunt does leave this earth, I will miss her very, very much. Even with all the frustrations she causes she is the one that holds all the memories of our family and I am not sure I am ready to carry that torch. So I will just have to suck it up and make her happy, she is 92 and a half years old and if she wants to move dog gone it, she is going to move!

Day 233 The Perfect Mom Project

We have arrived home to sadness. Two of our friends have lost parents while we were gone. One of our friends was with us on our trip, and the other was here at home. Both lost their parents within a couple of days of each other. Both friends are making arrangements and working towards a new normal. Life will be different for them now.

 Although both of these parents had been ill it is still hard to see them go, and even though I went through this same thing less than a year ago, I had a hard time finding the right words to share with them. Parts of me still knows the pain they are feeling, the sudden emptiness that you did not think you would feel. The surreal feeling of your parent being gone; it is like being without your electricity and trying to turn on the lights. You keep thinking of things to say or do for your parent and then it hits you that they are not there. As I sit writing today I can glance over and see the box where my Mom's ashes rest. She is gone yet she is still here.

 I can only offer to my friends the hugs and love that I received when my Mom passed. The words are still caught in my throat. I know that the process of loss is long, but it is worth the journey. Each day that the sun has risen I have moved closer to healing. There will be days when they will each look in the mirror and see their parent looking back at them, or they will find themselves saying or doing things like their parent did. There will be moments of regret and moments of laughter over past memories. All these moments will help them move into life with a new normal. Your life changes, but it stays the same.

The physical touch stone of who you are is gone and now you must be the touch stone for your family. You must become the memory keeper and the wisdom giver, the circle of life at its best. Although they may not see it now, it is all part of God's plan for us. It is sort of like when you are working and the "go to" person leaves for a new job and you think that you will never be able to fill their shoes, suddenly you have no one to lean on and you find yourself able to step in and pick up the pieces. I can feel myself stepping in and moving forward a little bit more everyday and I know that in time my friends will too, but in the mean time, I am here if they need a place to lean.

Day 232 The Perfect Mom Project

I am aboard the airline on my way home. We have spent the first part of our day doing the reverse version of our trip to Mexico. We checked out of our hotel boarded a bus went through security and ate a tasteless expensive lunch in the airport. Now we are winging 1700 miles back to the United States. We are ready to be home!

Last night was not pretty, Momma had a meltdown. It is hard to explain exactly what set me off, but I felt like my whole family did not get it that we had to get it together to go home. On top of that I kept setting things out of the way and then forgetting where I put them. It went from bad to worse as I started to feel like Mark and the girls were ganging up on me. Jeez, Mom, if that's your real name! So after dinner and some visiting with our travel companions we headed to our room and to bed.

We are all ready to be home in our own beds and eating our own food. We just have to make it through the airport customs routine once we land and then out to our waiting bus to take us home. Tomorrow brings a whole new day that includes shopping for tires for Mark's car. He had a flat the day before we left and it is not repairable, so tires will be our souvenir for coming home. On top of the fact that Mark will need my car to get to work since his is out of order, we are also out of toilet paper, paper towels and food. We also have five suitcases full of laundry for me to do. I will be a very busy Mom and Wife tomorrow. Perhaps my hard work will make up for my temper tantrum the other night. All I know is that I will hit the ground running tomorrow, making sure that my family is "up and at em" first thing in the morning, rising and shining and back to our real lives.

It's is going to be a long short week for all of us! Just a side note, I am actually posting this from 35,000 feet in the air…how cool is that?!

Day 231 The Perfect Mom Project

Everyone up! We want to see the sun rise this morning!! This is our final day of vacation. We have many things we all want to do today and as we chatted at breakfast we were trying to schedule it all in. I personally do not want to plan. I want the day to be what it will be. I do have plans to do some shopping with a friend and I also will sit in the sun for as long as I can. One of our friends that is with us told us her daughter (who is back at home) saw snow falling the other morning, so it is not looking good that we will have this tropical weather when we get home.

 Yesterday, Mark took the girls out on a rented jet ski; they had fun doing that with their Dad. Today Mark and I want to try kayaking, and I hope that we do not end up whacking each other with the paddles. We are all hoping to squeeze in just a little more fun, but we are very tired, which is a good sign of a fun vacation. Over all we have had a great time and have had very few intense parenting moments. Only once or twice have Mark and I received the "You are a big pain" look and sigh. We may actually make it home as a happy family unit. Of course we still have all day tomorrow to travel and we know already that our family has the very last seats on the plane. The best thing I can say about that is we will be near the rest rooms on the plane.

 

So, short and sweet today, there is much to do!

Day 230 The Perfect Mom Project

It is interesting how much your mothering skills change through the years. I have been thinking back to when we were in Mexico many years ago when our girls were younger. Ashleigh was 16 and Avery was 3 and Aly was 5. Ashleigh hung out with her friends and even shared a room with the other girls. Mark and I spent most of our time keeping our younger girls bathed in sunscreen and entertained. They also kept us entertained with their antics, "Mommy and Daddy? Watch this!" or loud smacking noise and "She hit me!"
In some ways all things have changed and yet they are the same. We are still invited to watch them perform and we do have to intervene when there is a smack down, but it is no longer as much parenting as reminding. It feels like we have given the girls all the tools and now we are just holding up the road signs on their life path. We also know that from time to time we will be their life raft too.

The best that I can hope for is that someday when I am no longer here for all of my girls that they will remember the lessons that I taught them in love. I also pray that they will pass on the little bit of crazy that makes us unique to their own children. I know that as a Mom, all you can do is your best, and some of us Moms have a better best then others. I do not know where I fit on that sliding scale, but I do know that I always work towards perfection with a little slice of embarrassment thrown in for good measure. That way none of my kids will ever forget humbleness. I just hope that when the time comes for them to work life's room on their own, they know I will be a part of them and that even on my worst day, it was the best I had. This alone gives me pause about my own Mom; as this year passes I realize that we all have our own gifts and even in mothering they are not always great, but somehow I ended up with the tools and in the end, I guess that is all you can hope for. So, my gift to my children will be…I know you can do this, I love you!

Day 229 The Perfect Mom Project

The first parent rule of today as we sent our girls off to breakfast on their own after they slept in this morning, sit together, but do not speak to each other. This was a precaution against an uprising in the dining room. Despite our best efforts, perhaps there has been a little too much togetherness. Now Aly is sound asleep in a hammock by the pool, so I am hoping she wakes up and is back to her pleasant vacation self!

 Second parent rule of the day was to put on sunscreen. That did not compute for Avery apparently since she looks like a lobster and is complaining about being in pain. She is tired, sore and crabby. This makes for a very unpleasant vacation situation. Aly is crabby because after our very late dinner reservation at the hotels Spanish restaurant, she wanted to call her friends that are here so they could hang out and we would not let her. She feels like we are mean, and do not care about her social life. Mostly we just care about getting some rest, since we are planning to get up and watch the sun rise. Third parent rule of the day, Mom and Dad's vote counts more than anyone else's!

 I am ready to close my eyes and get some rest. Who knew that laying around in the sun doing nothing could tire us all out so much? I am hoping that the next couple of days slow down just a little; I would like to savor them as much as I can. No matter what we are headed home on Monday, regardless of how much sleep we have had, or how much togetherness and sun, so let's make the best of it. At this point I am so tired I have no idea what I am even writing, so that is all for today!

Day 228 The Perfect Mom Project

As I write this it is about 3:00 PM and my youngest is worn out. She is actually taking a nap. We spent the morning walking around a local town shopping for souvenirs. It was incredibly hot and tiring. Avery was so tired she refused lunch and fell right to sleep. For me it is nice to take a break from the typical days we have had and just relax in the room while she rests. I enjoy vacation, but I also need my alone time. That is when I am able to rejuvenate myself mentally.

 The girls are enjoying themselves and they have liked having their friends here to hang out with. It has made the trip a lot more fun. Having other kids here has given them more freedom too. On their own here we would be less likely to let them go off on their own. With the other people here they can travel in packs and we worry less about them. When the group of kids wanted to go swimming last night we were able to let our girls go, knowing that there is strength in numbers.

 Our vacation has been whipping by us and we are not sure where the days have gone. We are now heading into the hurry up and have more fun phase of the trip, where you want to squeeze more out of each day. Perhaps it is I time to wake Avery and head out for some sun and fun. I am not looking forward to waking my little cub, she could turn on me! Oh well, here goes….it really went better than expected, off we go!

Day 227 The Perfect Mom Project Day

As I write this today, I am waiting for word on my oldest daughter. She was having some medical tests done today and I am waiting to hear how they turned out. Nothing serious that we know of, but the fact that we are thousands of miles away really cramps my mothering style. I would like to be there with her. Her husband is there, as he should be. Maybe this is a lesson in letting go.

It is hard to imagine anyone caring for my children better than me, but the truth is that she met a wonderful man and he takes great care of her. There has even been once or twice that he has taken me to task for saying something that has upset Ashleigh. I actually admire him for that. He had the strength to stand up to his Mother-in-law to protect his wife. No mother can ask for more than her daughter being cared for and protected lovingly. So although I am not there, I know that she is in very good and capable hands. If nothing else that does bring me comfort.

Here at vacation central we are holding our own. We are learning to relax and just have fun. I am not known for my relaxation skills (as you can probably tell, since I continue to write even on vacation), but I am doing much better than I expected. I do have to say that my youngest daughter Avery is having a good time. Even after the whole sunburn issue yesterday. Last night as we were all climbing into bed Avery said, "I think I am sunburned". Hhhmmm…really? I almost bled to death from biting my tongue, since earlier in the day she was battling me over sunscreen. One of my friends that are here said that she tried to tell her son about sunscreen yesterday and last night his feet were lobster red. She has decided that it is best for him to learn from his own mistakes. It is probably best that I adopt this attitude too. It will save me from becoming a hovering mother and pushing my kids away.
So, today this Mom is learning how to love from afar, both with the children that are actually far and the children that are near. This should be interesting, I am not sure I will be able to do it, but I am willing to try. Oh and by the way, I love and miss you Ashleigh.

Day 226 The Perfect Mom Project

Travel makes people cranky! I just know because we have been taking turns in our family. We have each had a moment when we were looked at by the others as over the edge. With very little sleep yesterday we climbed on to a bus and a plane and then another bus to arrive at our destination. We have experienced a week in 24 hours!

I have had to tell an upset 15 year old to suck it up and roll with the punches and an almost to sunburned 13 year old that despite what she wants, she will ruin my trip if she does not cover up and well, I admit it, this morning I went over the edge and honestly cannot give a real good explanation of why. So far, Mark has been the port in our feminine storm.We are traveling with so many different people with so many different personalities. The one thing I know for sure is that four of my dearest friends are here with us and they have brought along their husbands who are friends of Mark's. We will have a great week no matter what. We just need to keep our kids from self destructing from too much sun and fun. Seems like a good problem to have, and we are all very lucky to be here, but genetically I am someone that does not take too much of anything without fallout and I know my kids are the same way, so I want to avoid the fallout from them so that my week and their week is a pleasant memory and not a remember when moment at a family dinner years from now.

 This is going to be a real trick considering that my mildly sunburned 13 year old told us that she did not care if she was sunburned, she wanted to go back to the beach. That's when I looked at my girlfriends and said "Up until this moment I was proud of raising strong and confident young women". So with less of a spring in my step, I will try parenting while on vacation some more. It is not as easy as you might think!

Day 225 The Perfect Mom Project

Off we go! We are at the airport (thanks to technology I can still keep you up to date) it is about 4:30 AM and we are excited but tired. The hope is that we will be able to sleep on the plane. We are headed to Mexico with a group of about 25 people. We are hoping to relax, relax, and relax!

 This should be an interesting to share how to mother on vacation. Not that I have any idea. The only thing I have to offer my kids is to stay together. Go NO WHERE alone! Other than that right now I will be flying by the seat of my pants. I am sure it will not surprise you to know that we already had our first sister fight as we stood in line to check in. It was about where to put a bottle of nail polish. If that is our trip thermometer this could be a long week. I am going to chalk it up to it being very early and try to keep a positive open mind.

So stay tuned for daily trip updates and we will try to keep you entertained with our family travel antics. It is important to note that I do not have any interest in having our own version of National Lampoon's Vacation. We shall see how it all plays out! I need a nap!!

Day 224 The Perfect Mom Project

Happy Easter!

It is official now it is spring. It never seems like spring until Easter. After a few jelly beans and a chocolate egg or two I really can feel the rebirth of spring.

 Back when I was a little girl Easter meant that my cousins would be coming to town with my Aunt Ellie. That was the best! All of us cousins rambling around Grandma's house getting into things. Somehow when my cousins were there it transformed my life. With more people around, I would fly under the radar. If there was trouble I always had back up. At night my cousin Laurel and I shared a room and we would talk like sisters. I always looked up to her, she seemed so wise at six years old, she had the world all figured out. My other cousins Steve and Eric knew how to have fun; they were always coming up with some activity to keep us entertained.

 One activity that still stands out is when we would use my Grandmas patio chase lounge that had wheels on the back end as a push cart. One of us would climb on it and then another of us would flip it up and push it around. That was great fun until we got caught, and even then we would sneak in a ride or two when we could. I also remember that early on every Easter I was dressed up like a doll. My favorite year was the year that my cousin Laurel had the same dress that I did. She has mentioned that it was not her favorite year, because she was upset that I had a purse, hat and gloves and she was terribly jealous. Now looking at the photo I see she did have little white gloves on, but there I am with my hat and purse. I know if the shoe had been on the other foot I would have felt the same way.

 I recently asked Ashleigh what her Easter memories are and she said she loved getting dressed up on Easter. She remembers each year getting a pretty dress and feeling like a princess. My younger girls (13 and 15) have been asking for a week if the Easter bunny was coming this year. I just kept saying how do I know, do I look like the Easter Bunny to you? Each year we have them put their baskets on the table and then the Easter Bunny comes and fills them with treats and then hides them. There have been years when the Easter Bunny hid them a little too well, and there would be tears of frustration, so Mom and Dad would have to jump in and help locate the missing basket. Sadly the years of egg hunts are over, but the basket hunt still continues. Our yard will be quiet this year. I loved making the egg hunts for the girls (I still have a big bag of plastic eggs in my basement), but I also do not miss the stress of trying to pull all of that fun together. Someday when there are grandchildren around perhaps I will feel differently. I might even dress them all up and get a picture of them.
So, I sit here in the quiet house sipping my coffee waiting for the sleepy heads to all wake up and find there baskets. There is even a little something for Ashleigh and Scott. I hope that there will be talk of other memories that we all have, and who knows, maybe we will make a few more memories today too. So, I guess I better get hopping; this bunny has breakfast to make.

Todays photo is from 1963...Easter with my cousins!

Day 223 The Perfect Mom Project

It was awesome having Ashleigh here yesterday, it was like I had my own homemade referee! Avery was showing her all the items she was bringing on our family trip and Ashleigh was trying to help her coordinate them. When Avery was invited to a friend's house later in the day, Ashleigh went into action.

 Avery was barely out the door and Ashleigh started opening Avery's dresser drawers and going through everything she had. Ashleigh was doing what I had hoped to do for a very long time; I like to call it "The Cleanse". She started throwing out the old and stained items and setting aside the too small items. Before we knew it she had found items that Avery had been looking for and organized Avery's drawers. The best part was when Avery came home, Ashleigh was in the room finishing up, and she explained to Avery what she had done and gave her suggestions of other items she could bring on vacation.

 Here is the thing; if I had done that Avery would have gone ballistic! It was kind of nice to have someone else run interference for me. The other nice thing was that Ashleigh was able to talk with her and show her outfit ideas without a conflict. I would not have been able to do that. I would have been trying to convince Avery that I knew what I was taking about and eventually Avery would have become annoyed with me and there would have been a fight. Having Ashleigh handle this situation was the best solution. All the benefits of parenting without doing it myself, I love that!

 I am enjoying having my oldest daughter and her husband home. Not just because she can run interference for me, but because when they are here it completes our family. I love them both very much and I enjoy spending time with them. I am a very lucky Mom to have that. We will spend the day together today and enjoy dinner and then church. Our plan is to hang out later and play games and just be a family. It is a good thing that Ashleigh is here as we prepare to go on vacation. She can continue to explain to my family why I am so stressed about preparing to go on vacation. She can run interference more if needed and I can hug her a bunch before we leave. She is also going to take my sweet puppy Roxanne home with her and care for her while we are gone. I really like who my oldest daughter has turned out to be. Not only is she my daughter, but she is a great friend and sister too. I guess seeing how Ashleigh has turned out I should be confident in my other girls too. Maybe they will not be just like Ashleigh, but I am sure they will be great people too. There is also a great chance that now the youngest one might even know how to organize her room. Cross your fingers!!

Day 222 The Perfect Mom Project

In just about an hour, I will be climbing into my car to go pick up Ashleigh and bring her to our house. It is a two hour ride and I usually spend that time thumbing through everything that is stuck in my head. Today I am hoping to just enjoy the music and sing along. I really do not want to think about the stuff in my head for a change.

 Ashleigh and I cooked up this scheme to hang out together. Ashleigh and Scott were planning to come down to have an early Easter dinner and go to church with us on Saturday (tomorrow) and then word came that Scott might have to work and only come later for dinner. That was fine, but it would take away from the Mommy/daughter time I had been looking forward to. So we hatched (OK, I hatched it) this plan for me to pick her up. Scott will come here after work tomorrow and we will enjoy our time with our wonderful son-in-law too.

 I am looking forward to spending time with my oldest daughter. She is always a great reminder of what our parenting finished product is like. It is a comfort to know that we have one good kid under our belt and it builds our hope that the other two will continue on that path also. As long as I do not screw it up by over parenting my youngest who I think would prefer to be raised by wolves then to have me discuss her room or clothing with her anymore! I have to say though last night before her girlfriends came for the sleepover she ran to brush her hair without my even mentioning that she should.

LOOK, over there, a little ray of hope!
So, off I go to pick up my oldest daughter and my granddog and bring them back to visit. I need to kick in to high gear; I have much to do and not a lot of time.

Day 221 The Perfect Mom Project

Somewhere in this crazy morning I need to write my blog. Our carpool passenger needed to be to school early and the dog has a grooming appointment and I do too. Plus I need to grocery shop and prepare for dinner this evening, and just to make it a little more fun, Avery is having her twin friends over to spend the night. I still have laundry and cleaning and packing for our upcoming trip, and all I hear in my head is AAAGGGGHHH!!

Recently, I heard a story about a fifteen year old girl who committed suicide because of bullying from some girls at her high school. It hit me hard. Aly is fifteen and I cannot imagine that mothers pain. Aly is just starting to blossom into a young woman and she has all of these opportunities ahead of her. To have her suddenly take her life, because of insensitive and mean spirited kids would be absolutely devastating! I can only imagine that this mother feels robbed. How is it possible that these girls could not see that what they were doing was hurtful? The counselor at Avery's middle school spoke at a parent meeting once and said that kids do not understand that when the say something mean and hurtful to a another kid, they never forget it. The comment stays with them for the rest of their lives and they replay it over and over in their head.

I know this is fact, because I still playing the comments in my head from middle school. I had terrible acne for most of my life and it starting around the age of 9. It was horrible! Add to that the constant moving, and it was a recipe for disaster. My Mom always said "kids are resilient; they can bounce back from anything". Well, I am here to tell you that that is a load of crap! Here is one person that did not bounce back very well; anyway…during my second middle school in 2 years, I was faced with some very insensitive kids who made a very mean and hurtful judgment call. I had to give a presentation in front of one of my classes, and the teacher had asked that each student evaluate the other students during the presentation. She handed out forms to write out our thoughts. In the area on those sheets where it called for the speakers name the kids wrote; zitzini, zitzilla, zit queen etc. The worst part is the teacher actually gave them to me. I have NEVER bounced back from that. Those comments affected my self esteem then and continued to affect my self esteem up until a very few years ago. Let's face it I knew I had acne, and anyone that has had acne knows that it is no fun. So to be called out and beat down with it was the worst thing possible. The counselor was right, you do not forget.

I wish that I could wrap that poor mother in my arms and take away the pain I know she is feeling. I am sure she is beating herself up for not seeing her daughter as suicidal. I am sure that she is angry with the mean girls and she may never be able to be at peace now that her daughter has been taken from her. In this tragedy, I see an opportunity to talk to my girls about coming to me if they are hurt or sad. I also want to remind them how much words hurt. I know that they are most often kind to others, but just on the off chance that someone they know is going through something painful like this poor young girl did that took her own life, I want my girls to know how important it is to be the friend that stands by and holds a hand and also gives words of encouragement and strength. Being alone in your pain and feeling like you have nowhere to turn can make you think about things that are not even imaginable on a normal day. I want my girls to reach out; I want them to stand up for those that cannot stand on their own and I want them to know that I love them and I will protect them and fight for them and stand by them until the time comes that they can stand on their own. In this small way, maybe this mom can learn from another mom who has only memories and pain left.