Saturday, October 30, 2010

Expectations

After a month of waiting, last night I finally went to the local flashlight corn maze with my girls and my sister and her family. Mark was unable to come he had to work late, which was a disappointment. I always look forward to the weekends and my time with Mark, so when he told me he was not going to make it, I had second thoughts. I decided it was not worth adding this to my list of things I did not do that I had wanted to, so I forged ahead.

There was some hesitation as I waited for my sister and her family to arrive. I did not want to be cold or wet, so I was trying to come up with just the right selection of clothing to be comfortable. Certain warm socks and shoes, a fleece pull over and a jacket over that should work, than I had to locate some flashlights and make sure they worked too. I was filling with anxiety. What if it is boring? What if it starts to rain? What if the kids don't like it? I had myself pretty worked up by the time my sister arrived.

"What's wrong?" she asked when she arrived. "Nothing" I lied.

Why ruin her fun with my giant list of worries and complaints.

My habit of building up my expectations and then having second thoughts has ruined many of my outings. I can never seem to just settle in with my plans and be happy I have to pick them to death. What if's have a way of plunging into just about everything I do. I know I mentioned just the other day how I look at things from every angle. That can work for me and against me it is a double edged sword. It is also the worst excitement killer I know of. You just get my mind racing mulling over all the if's ands, or buts and the party is over. It's like calling the police to tell them there is trouble before the party even begins.

After all this emotional mental drama we set out for the corn maze. We were dressed warm and cozy, had our flashlights, along with our get her done attitudes. Look out corn maze here we come. Over all it was fun, mostly because we were all together stumbling around in the dark. It was fun to spend time with my sister's kids and it was also fun to spend a few moments with my own before they ran off into the dark. I do have to say that I can think of a lot better ways to spend $5.00 per person but they do not involve spending time with my kids and sister and her family which in the big picture is priceless.

The life lesson that I keep learning and then forgetting is that expectations are most often the devils workshop. There is no way that after thinking everything through it will actually turn out exactly that way. Your mind is a great playground where you can set everything up just how you want it, but life is the real test and very often things go quite differently. I guess the lesson that I need to remember is that even if my vision does not match the outcome I can still have a good time. Expectations give you the prospect of future good, the rest is up to you. That I did not want to disappoint myself one more time was a great motivator and I am glad I listened to that voice, I had a much better time than I had "Expected".

Friday, October 29, 2010

Decisions Decisions



As I walked with my girlfriend this morning, I shared with her how my week has played out and it caused her to comment "Wow, you have made a lot of decisions this week". The funny part is that until she said that, I did not realize I had made decisions at all. I had been going along these last few days, just trying to get things figured out and in the process cleaned up some loose ends. Bam! I am a decision maker.

 
Now I know to most people it is no big deal, but it requires a lot of effort for me to make a decision. I do not take decision making lightly, and as I mentioned a few days ago, I weigh out the good and bad of everything I do. Honestly, when I am going to run errands I always plot it out in my head so that it makes the most sense in time and distance. I do nothing without first looking at every option there is. It is a long annoying process that can potentially take the fun out of things. The other issue is that once the decision has been made I tend to continue to rethink it trying to make sure I am still making the right choice. Phew, the whole thing is exhausting. My family is use to it, they don't like it, but they are use to it.

 
This week I stirred my family pot by suggesting that we should move Aly's surgery from the week of Thanksgiving to during her Christmas break. The initial reaction was not good (Note my blog Miss Understood) but after some thought Aly decided to go along with my way of thinking. I just wanted her to have more time to recuperate and I also worried that thinking she was better she would get back to school and after bumping into people in the halls, and contending with 6 hours of school etc. she would need to take more time off for recuperating. With the course load she has chosen this year, I saw the potential for an extremely stressed out young lady. Honestly, that part did not sound fun to me at all. It can get pretty stressed here on a normal homework day, why make it worse? Ta da, a decision was made and I am relieved.

I have made many more decisions this week but mainly it feels like I have been scraping my heaping plate hoping to clear out my brain. I am tired of feeling overwhelmed and worried and I just want to have a little fun. Tonight I have "decided" to go to a local orchard that has a flashlight corn maze. I like the idea of that because it is not spooky or haunted, just some nighttime darkness fun. The girls and I (Mark might have to work late) and my sister with her family and hopefully some friends will spend some time roaming around in the dark and laughing. This is a much needed outing for all of us and I am happy I have decided to have a little fun. This morning as I sit by the fire with my feet up contemplating my life I am feeling very fortunate that I can make decisions and change my mind. I am also happy that I have a life that is full of friends and family that keep me thinking and deciding every day. That is one thing I do not have to rethink!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Enie Meanie Miney Moe

I am an uninformed American. I have no idea who to vote for to be our next governor, I also do not have a clue about school board members or state senators or even the judges or college presidents. I am completely unaware and I am not proud of it. I jumped on Mark this morning for throwing out my Sunday paper. I had planned to read it and inform myself, please note it is Thursday and I am just now thinking of reading the Sunday news. Fortunately, Mark had put the Sunday paper down with the papers he uses to build fires. I will still be able to attempt to inform myself.

Now I must answer the hard question…Do I want to be informed? Do I even care? It feels like apathy. No interest or concern, just boredom. I agree with Jon Stewart the host of the Comedy channels Daily Show. Most Americans are too busy and too tired to care about much of anything else. When I finally have a chance to sit and read about the people running for office, I will have to make a decision based on an article that will be swayed a certain way by someone else. They may sway towards a candidate or they may swerve away. I will have to decide based on very limited knowledge who will run my state for example. That just does not seem like what our fore fathers fought for at all.

The truth is this, I am having a hard enough time planning good dinners and caring for my family, do you think I should be choosing someone as important as our governor? I will do my best to become more educated in the next few days. I do not want the sacrifice that others have made for my right to vote to be a waste, however at the same time I am just as concerned about my family having more balanced meals and enough choices when they make their lunches. I am probably not a very good example of a good American. I am however a darn good example of a typical American who is just doing the best they can to keep their head above the debt chopping block and keep their family running smoothly.

I am also very turned off by the negative television ads that muddy the waters of the campaign trail. How do you make well informed decisions about people you know nothing about, when you are bombarded with information that means very little about the job a candidate will do? This will be no easy task. My only hope is to have enough knowledge when I vote that I am not playing enie meanie miney moe with my ballot. In the midst of this information hunt today I will be racking my brain for a dinner idea that does not require me to run to the store for anything. I will also be driving my kids and picking them up, supervising the doing of homework and doing housework. Somewhere in there I also have to work on our monthly budget with Mark.

Today, I am the face of America, concerned but ill informed. Striving to make good choices for my states future and simultaneously my family's future, all of this while I also fight the feeling that I do not matter to these candidates. Welcome to America, the home of hard fought freedom, now what are you going to do with it? Hmn let's see…Enie Meanie Miney Moe…

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Miss Understood


So sometimes you set out with the best of intentions and you fall flat on your face. You attempt to say or do something that you are sure will be a good thing and it is misunderstood or even tossed aside like yesterdays news. Just now for example I suggested a blouse to my youngest for her choir concert tonight and she balked. Look, (I want to say) it is not like I am pinning you to the floor and putting it on you, settle down, it is just a suggestion. Isn't that what Mom's do? Help, suggest, run around making things right? Apparently, this is out dated…or maybe, I am out dated. Hmn, that's something to think about.


 
I am not going to sit here and say that every time I make a suggestion, it is a good one. I am merely saying that I try to think things through and if it seems like there is a better option, I am going to point it out. Sometimes this blows up in my face, like it did last night. I am not going to get into the gory details, but let's just say that I was trying to point out another option and apparently my delivery of the said option was not taken well. In my defense, I am full of anxiety right now. I am stressed to the max trying to hold up the lantern of life so that my daughter can see her way through this sticky teen patch she is in, and she is not receptive to my support. I am feeling over whelmed and underappreciated and basically, you can call me…Miss Understood.



I like that name. It has a certain ring to it, respectful yet to the point, Miss Understood. I am really not trying to "get my way", or "run the show" I am trying to look at things from every angle and come up with the best solution. I have always been this way. Honestly, it is like I have a bag full of ideas and I throw them on the table and try to sort out the best one. Sometimes I will be confident that my idea is a good one and I will be repacking my bag and realize, "Nope, I have a better idea, let's try this instead". That is how I am, constantly scanning for the best deal, the best idea, the best option.


Now, because I am misunderstood I am moping around defensive and a little hurt. I want to pack up my lantern of life and tell my family to take a hike. They can head out without Miss Understood and find their way on their own. Good luck maneuvering through all the variables. I don't care, I will be here licking my wounds and I will not be feeling sorry for myself either. All right, that is a lie; I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. I just wanted to make things better instead I created a big messy family brawl. Or did I? Maybe they all just misunderstood and that needs to be corrected, but now Miss Understood is gun shy and does not want to bring it up again. Somehow I have to get back up on my Mom saddle and get back to making things right. Agh, some days I really hate this job! This is one of those days where Mom will have to just put on her big girls panties and get back to work. Good deal or bad deal, aggravated or not there is a situation that needs straightening out, and Miss Understood is just the person to do it!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A Dirty Dish Day

    

"You don't care about me!" my middle daughter yelled at me last night. This after six weeks of driving her to doctors appointments, contacting counselors and teachers at school about her current physical issues and school clothes shopping. Add to that list the regular stuff like grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and giving out money for voice lessons and many other activities including homecoming, plus the constant cheerleading to keep my children motivated. Yeah, she is right I don't care about her that is obvious

This all started when I gave her, the fed up Momma smack down yesterday afternoon for her constant negative attitude lately. She started griping about a teacher that she has and she started making angry protests about the teacher's inability to teach and also the teacher's poor communication skills. This is not new territory, I have heard all of this before, and guess what nothing has changed. I get the teacher is annoying, I also get it that she does not like his teaching style either, but I am done with the angry war dance about this and I want it to stop, and that is exactly what I told her.

Mark and I have both sat and talked with her recently about the fact that life is filled with people you do not like or that you think do not do a good job. You will have bosses you don't like and coworkers that drive you mad, but you will still have to go to work. Somewhere along the line my daughter has gotten the idea that she is the only one that has this issue and that if she keeps ranting and raving about it that it somehow will fix the problem. The problem is that she has now lost her audience. Because of her inability to let it go and make the best of it, I now tune her out. I am done with the loud chest pounding about something that is not going to magically change anytime soon.

Here's the thing; Aly is going to have to make the change. She is the one that is going to have to "turn her frown upside down" and make the best of it. She may get a whole new teacher next semester, but for now, this is the teacher and she will have to learn to make the class or classes workable. Years ago I had someone tell me in a "suck it up" moment that "Every job has its dirty dishes". That has stuck with me, that one comment has been a constant reminder to me that nothing is perfect. Everything in life has potential; it is how you look at it that makes it work. How many times have you had a boss that you liked, but someone else did not or a job that you hated, but others that you worked with had been doing it half their lives? Right now, my daughter is stuck in the teenage all about me, "Everything sucks" mode and it is coloring her outlook on everything she does. It has even colored her opinion of her mother.

The truth is obviously I do care, but honestly I have no patience left. I really do not even want to be around negative Nellie right now because she is dragging me down. I have nothing encouraging left to say. If that means that she thinks I don't care, oh well! I just need a break from this daily rampage of negativity. It is absolutely mind numbing. This is just another example of the "dirty dish" portion of parenting that I must make my way through. Today, I will do more things that prove that I "don't care", things like going to the store, doing laundry and making dinner. I know, it is a shock how little I care isn't it!

Monday, October 25, 2010

A New Normal

Yesterday my youngest sister and her family came for dinner. We enjoyed an afternoon of good food and heartfelt conversation. My sister and I talked about our kids and the challenges we are facing with them and every so often we would touch on the painful past. It felt good to not have that pain full on in our faces for a change. We were able to talk about lives in a somewhat normal way for the first time in a long time.

I use the term "somewhat normal", because it is a new normal of our real life mixed with a splash of occasional pain. Every so often we will learn some morsel of information from the ocean of paperwork that is surrounding us that reminds us that our life is still not 100% our own. We are all still victims of a mistake that was never meant to happen. This disaster that started over a year ago now is still randomly beating us down and reminding us that we have a ways to go to get back to what we knew as normal, if that ever even happens. We may just have to learn to live in the new normal.

The new normal has taught us that even the for sure things in life are never a sure thing and that trust is sometimes given too easily and to the wrong people. As my sister and I spoke yesterday, she shared with me that she felt that I had been gracious and giving throughout this ordeal. She also commented that she was humbled by how open handed and understanding I had been. While I thanked her for the compliment, there was a small piece of me that felt uncomfortable. I have only done what I know to be right. There is no gain to come from hoarding and smacking hands yelling "Mine, Mine!!" It is best that we move through this open handed. That is what my heart knows as normal and that is how I wish to live. There is no compliment needed for living my life the way I know in my heart is right.

I look forward to more time with my sisters and I also look forward to walking through this maze of deceit and hurt and coming out on the other side with an open heart and mind. I have forgiven my Dad for the mistakes he made which has made this journey much easier and I have also spent time reflecting on my Mom and genuinely learning to appreciate and love her idiosyncrasies, I have to because I now realize that I am more like her then not. I also realize that no matter what someone else thinks normal looks like, normal changes and you have to learn to adapt. There will always be a new normal.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Search and Rescue


It's no one's fault, I am just lost. Over a year ago I started the search for myself with a quest to understand what the perfect Mom was and now I am trying to unfold "The Me I want to be". The issue is that there is no tried and true method to finding yourself other than time and perseverance. You have to be willing to face the truth and walk through it. Yesterday, I realized I was on the other side of two of my truths.

 
Both of these revelations came as Mark and I enjoyed a date night last night. The date was not anything overly ambitious; we just went to the Mall to poke around and then stopped at a favorite restaurant for dinner. On our way home we decided to stop at a cute new bar/restaurant for a drink and that's when the AH HA moments came pouring out. Mark and I were chatting about our life and some possible changes that might take place for us in the years to come, and I told him how dedicated I am to being there for my girls. I enjoy being able to take them where they need to be and help them when they need help without having to juggle a work schedule on top of it. I also like being home when they get home from school to ask the important questions like, "How was school? Anything happen today? Do you have any homework?" That was when it hit me, I like being a stay-at-home mom. I like what I do here at home and I would not trade it for anything. AH HA!

 
Later in the conversation, we talked about our budget. We took a workshop a couple of years ago to learn how to budget and handle our money. We have been doing a fabulous job following the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University way, paying off our debt and working towards living a better financial life. The rub is that within that I have curtailed my shopping and spending on myself to the point that I just do not feel good about myself. I do not feel like the put together gal that I once was. I am working so hard to be a good steward with my money that I have let myself go. It is nothing that would stand out to others; it is more a feeling inside of me. On my favorite shoes, the heels are worn down, and my dresser drawer is full of old worn out tops that I hate to wear. My bathrobe I bought on the clearance rack for $7.00 a few years ago, and although I hate this bright orangey red fleece (totally unfeminine) thing, I do not want to spend the money to replace it. I am tired of stepping out into the world not feeling pretty. Even my comfy clothes for hanging out at home make me feel like an ugly blob. Last night as I talked to Mark I realized that my feeling good about myself requires a little more personal attention and some splurging. I did have to confess that I had already started to reclaim myself with some (very cute) purchases. This revelation may of course make you think of me as vain, but I had to be honest with myself that I feel best when I am comfortable in what I am wearing. That also means it is time for the orangey/red robe to go. Budget or no budget, I have to reclaim my fashion.

 
The rescue is underway and the casualty will be on the road to recover very soon. I am not going to lie, I do feel a little embarrassed that this stay-at-home mom needs fashion to fulfill her, but I have been searching for the truth and the truth is what I found. Flat out no holds barred truth. I love being a stay-at-home Mom, but I want to look and feel good while I perform my maternal duties. This segment of the search and rescue is now complete. Now if you will excuse me, I have some shopping to do.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Crunch Time


Avery as a box of popcorn...guess who made
this costume?
It is nine days until Halloween. In years past we would be frantically working on final touches of costumes. This year however, (nine days before Halloween) nothing has been mentioned about costumes. It used to be the day after Halloween, one of my children would be talking about their plan for the costume for the next year. This year there has been little discussion about costumes, or even Halloween. As a matter of fact, there has been no discussion about pumpkin carving either or even Halloween candy to hand out.
 
The only thing I know for sure is that my youngest says she is trick or treating and my middle child says she is not. At least they get a choice. When my oldest was in ninth grade I put the kibosh on Trick or Treating. I told my lovely daughter that she was too old and that was that, no trick or treating, but, she could hand out the candy while Dad and I took the younger kids trick or treating. I am sure she was thinking "Gee thanks, Mom…if that's your real name!" In my defense, at the time I was fed up with the "kids" that came to the door that you knew were in college or my personal favorite the kids that came to the door smoking a cigarette. I always wanted to caution them not to let the cigarette get too close to the pillowcase full of candy. What a sweet fire that would be! I guess I thought by keeping my oldest home, I was doing my part to keep the Trick or Treating on the up and up. Now I find myself missing the hubbub a little. I am pining for a little Halloween frenzy.

 
I bought a pumpkin and some cornstalks a couple weeks ago just to jazz up my front porch and give the illusion to our neighbors that we are on our Halloween game. I even bought Halloween candy a couple of days ago and hid it away for safe keeping. I had to hide it; I do not want any preholiday sneaking of treats. I however, did open one of the bags and try a piece just to make sure the candy was fresh (wink, wink) you just cannot take any chances with Halloween candy. So far though, everything that has been done has been done by me and thought of by me. No one else here is even slightly interested. Granted, the last couple of weeks were mainly Homecoming oriented, (I would like to clock the person that scheduled Homecoming so bloody late!) and when you are focused on Homecoming floats, dresses, games and dances, there is not a lot of room for the foolishness of Halloween. That being said, I am bracing myself for next week when it hits my lovely family that we better carve our pumpkins and cook their seeds. Avery will probably decide at that point that we need to ramp it up and get a costume idea. That is when I will pull out my Halloween bin and hand her my back up witch hat and cape!

 
Things are changing fast now that my last two are both in high school. All the traditions and activities that made each holiday special when the girls were younger are losing their luster. Slowly, my house is turning into the sad non holiday house on the block. Attention here is focused on school and friends, homework and hanging out, not on holidays. How sad is that? I am doing my best to keep some of the traditions alive, but to be honest; I do not miss some of the stress and worry about costumes and school parties. I also really like that I can send my kids out with their friends to trick or treat. However, I cannot help feeling like any day now I am going to be faced with Halloween crunch time and I am not looking forward to that at all!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Run

I am a runner. I only say that because I run. Not because I run marathons or ½ marathons or even 10K's, but because I trot around my neighborhood about two to three times a week. Some people run because they love the feeling of running, some run long distances, I do neither. Regardless of that I am told that I am still considered a runner. I like that I can be part of this group and not be judged by my time or distance. I am solely included by my effort.

I would like to ramp up my running a little bit and possibly go a little farther, but I have been under the weather and until two days ago I did not realize I had an infection in my sinuses. It seems silly but at first I thought I was over doing it and that is why I was so tired. I even had myself convinced that my dull headaches and stuffy nose were just some allergy issue that I could ignore and it would go away. Unfortunately, the tired, dull headachy, stuffy nose feeling did not go away and I was forced to consult with an actual physician rather than using my usual maternal doctoral skills. TA DA, I am on the road to recovery. Now that I am feeling a little better I have big ideas about getting out and running without that sluggish, I don't want to do this feeling. I also do not want to sit on my behind so long that I decide that my perch is a better choice than running the roads. I am taking the medicine my doctor prescribed and resting and working on getting better. Being part of this elite group of athletes even though I am not elite makes me proud, and I do not want to drag the group down. I am honored to be a runner and I do not want to lose my key to this club by letting this small illness put my brakes on.

So with that declaration, I am going to pull it together and trot around the block a couple times. It's not much, but in this runners world it is all about actually running not the distance. At least that is what Coach Mark once told me.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Combat Fatigue



Meaning #1: a mental disorder caused by stress of active warfare
  Synonyms: battle fatigue, combat neurosis, shell shock
Here it is, it is not pretty, but it is the truth…I have combat fatigue. This of course is my own diagnoses, I have not seen a doctor for it, but being a Mom means making sudden diagnoses on the fly. The cause of this disorder? My Family…

 
It did not just happen, but over time they have all become oblivious. Sitting at dinner, eating talking and suddenly they lose the ability to see their own glass. I wake up the next morning and there are at least two glasses with beverages from the night before still sitting on the table. They might do their own laundry, or I might do it, but for some reason they are only able to see one clothing item at a time. This is the only explanation I have for them running down to the laundry room and grabbing one item and coming back upstairs. Their shoes are dumped by the door, the toaster is left out and the absolutely most annoying thing…we run out of toilet paper and no one replaces it.

 
Yesterday afternoon I put the fresh and final roll of toilet paper in the house on the holder. My thought was that I would stop and get some more toilet paper on my way home from visiting Aunt Nina today. This morning when I woke and stepped into the bathroom, I was greeted with another empty roll. Excuse me? Where did all of that paper go? Did someone make an outfit out of the stuff? Also, now what am I suppose to do? Did anyone of them think of that? NO OF COURSE NOT!! The worst part is I just had discussed with Mark last night how frustrated I am with the fact that my family is not taking care of their messes. Then the first thing I am greeted with this morning is the fact that I will have to "drip dry". No one can bring some tissue into the bathroom? Now as if I am not already frustrated enough, I am greeted with two half empty glasses from last night's dinner on the dining room table and several stacks of laundry that I washed yesterday on the counter in my basement. In the kitchen there are crumbs everywhere since wiping up after yourself is impossible, and the toaster is glaring at me saying "So? What's the big deal?"

 
As if all of this is not stressful and annoying enough when I mention the shirt that needs to be put away, or the glass or earrings lying about, I am either ignored or talked to like I am being rude and inconsiderate to even mention these things. I mean really, how rude of me. Can't I see that they are in a hurry? It is almost as if they are thinking; What about it, can't you take care of it? I remember one of the places I use to work had a sign in the lunch room that said "CLEAN UP YOUR MESS, YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT WORK HERE!" Well, I am here to say, that I might work here, but I am not a slave and I do not want to clean up after people that are more than capable of doing it themselves. If that means that they have to get up a little earlier or stay up a little later then that's what needs to happen, because I am now combat fatigued and I am ready to blow!

 
Another symptom of this inexcusable behavior is that now, I have no patience or sympathy for any of them. If it was an occasional slip up it would not bother me, it is the fact that the rudeness and forgetfulness is now daily and even hourly and I have no back up since my entire family is in this together. Now, in all fairness, there is a chance that maybe they just do not know where anything goes, or maybe they all have a phobia about the dishwasher, it is even possible that one of them is hoarding the toilet paper in case of an emergency. Even with that in mind, I am tired and worn out with nothing left to give. I am just shell shocked and ready for a change. I have to think this through, because I live with people that will immediately point at the other person rather than just help me out and pick up the mess, they are not even able to just see something out of place and pick that up. I am going to have to educate them first and I am not sure I am emotionally capable right now. I would prefer the tough love approach at this point, something like throwing their junk on the front lawn or not allowing them to have a glass at dinner. I will absolutely be placing a sign on the refrigerator as a warning to them though, I am in the trenches and ready for battle…WOOOO HOOOO!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Contract

Recently my girls attended their Homecoming dance. In order to purchase a ticket they had to sign a contract stating that they would not Freak dance, or grind. They were also not allowed to touch breasts, buttocks, or groins. The list was actually quite lengthy and I was shocked at the descriptive nature of what the school was trying to "stomp out".

First of all, as I read the contract out loud to my girls and used the words "Breasts, buttocks and groin, my youngest daughter said "GROSS!" This tells me that the idea had never her crossed her mind. Second, both my girls described the dance style completely differently, which to me meant they were not even clear on what they were not suppose too be doing. They were being punished for a select few kids that were inappropriate in the past.

My opinion is that anyone can sign a contract, piece of paper, or note. It does not change them. If you ask an idiot to sign a contract, he is still an idiot. If you expect change you have to make the change. My feeling was that if they were diligent about pulling the kids that were dancing inappropriately off the floor they would be more proactive then asking them to sign a meaningless contract. One of the things included in signing the contract was that at the dance they would be given two wrist bands. These were the sturdy paper type that you might be given at an event to let others know you had paid you admission. If an administrator felt you were inappropriate they would cut off your band, if they caught you again they pulled you from the floor. That to me was a much more proactive direction to go and would not have made the district administrators look like idiots.

What really surprised me was that at the High School parent meeting there were parents there that thought it was a great idea. They were sharing that they felt like it was a positive step for the school to take. They also felt like it would deter the kids from "Freak" dancing. Of course with all the parents that were speaking up about what a great idea it was, I decided I would keep quiet so that I did not get beat up in the parking lot. Now I am aggravated with myself for not speaking my mind. I sat there with my normally big mouth with the foot in it and kept quiet, and let other parents pat the administrators on the back for what? Signing a piece of paper is not going to stop kids from making bad choices, the parents and teachers have to make that happen. This dancing had been going on a long time and was never really dealt with, what these students needed, was diligent supervision with a warning ahead that they had two chances (wrist bands).

I am going to assume that the contract was more of a warning and a heads up of what the expectation was, but it still annoyed me. The whole thing felt like a derailed train they were trying to get back on the tracks. My girls told me that for them and their friends it took a couple hours to get comfortable and enjoy themselves. They also shared with me that there were people giving bands to others that had one cut off, which is another shining example of the ingenuity of our youth. Perhaps the fact that they were handed the bands and they put them on themselves, so they could adjust how loose or tight they would be was not the best decision either. For now it is over and I can relax until next year, mean time I am going to work on not being intimidated by the other parents at the high school meetings…wish me luck.

Monday, October 18, 2010

52 Pick Up


Phew, that is how I feel about making my way through the weekend, especially Saturday. It was go, go, go all day. My anxiety about how the day would play out dissipated after we left the play and I was heading to drop Avery at the dinner with her friends. Aly and Ashleigh drove home and started getting Aly ready to head to her friends pre dance party. Things were running smoothly and I convinced myself that I was sliding into home. Big mistake!

 
Once home I found Aly still here and she was pretty anxious herself. She had been disappointed by a friend, (which I did not know) and she was very unhappy. In walks madam oblivious (me) questioning her about where she is going, (since I did know the friend that was having the party or where she lived) and Aly snapped. There were some snotty words exchanged and then I put my cards on the table. "When you get to Christie's you need to call me with her address" more snotty words and then I explained "Look, if you never made it to Christie's, I would never know, since she does not know me and would not call me, she would call your cell phone" then I added "I do not want to explain to the police that you are missing but, I do not know where you were going or who you were with!" That seemed to set her straight and she went on her way and gave us a call when she got there with the information I had requested.

 
The thing is that on top of my busy day on Saturday, I also received an email on Friday with more papers dealing with my Mom's estate, and I get more and more disappointed in my Dad after each information transfer. We may never know the extent of all of his deceit and I am so sad that he is turning out to be even less of a person then I already thought he was. I am frustrated, confused, and sad and overwhelmed by what we continue to learn. It feels like the card game 52 Pickup, that I learned when I was a little girl. The idea is you invite another player to play 52 Pickup with you and then you throw the cards all over the floor for and tell them to pick up the mess. Right now, this game of 52 Pickup involves a lot of legal papers and it is extremely frustrating. Once again I am fortunate to have my sister to help me maneuver the maze. It does not however make the frustration at being in this situation any less. We are both feeling like there is even more information hiding out there and we are not sure if we can take much more. There will most definitely be more and we can only hope that we find it soon and can put this drama behind us. For now the game continues and my sister and I are on our knees cleaning it up.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Anxiety

In a little over an hour we will start doing Aly and Avery's hair for the Homecoming dance. It seems crazy to be getting them ready for the dance 10 hours before they are even going, but that is the nature of the beast we created when we ordered the tickets for the show Legally Blond the Musical not realizing that Homecoming would be the same day. The sound you are hearing is me screaming from the anxiety of trying to pull this whole thing off. We have had to come up with a plan for the girls to get their dresses on before we go to the show, just so we can get pictures of them together.

Avery's dance plans have finally taken shape (I had to call another Mom to find out what the heck was going on) and it looks like we will be dropping her off at a restaurant that is on our way back from the venue where the show will be preformed. This means that rather than coming home and changing and taking her back down there it makes more sense for her to change into her dress in the restaurants bathroom. I did try to advise her to just wear her dress to the show, and she gave me "the LOOK". You know the look that means I must be nuts. Obviously, she wants to wear her cute going to the show outfit and then change into her I am going to my first Homecoming fabulous dress. A girl needs to take every opportunity to wear as many cute outfits as she can…DUH!

Aly's plans have been formed and ready since last week, so they only require a small amount of tweaking. It looks like she will have to follow us down to the show in a separate car so that she can head home to change into her fabulous dress, while Ashleigh and I are dropping Avery off to meet her group of friends at dinner. Thus my anxiety, it all sounds figured out and workable, but I fear the random forgotten detail. It could rear its ugly head at the worst opportune time and throw everything off. We are practically creating a military style mission over here. One hitch and we will be running around like chickens with our heads cut off.

Regardless, Ashleigh and I are on the move this morning heading out to Sally's Beauty Supply to get a few needed items for the hair dos. Timing is everything, so I must take my anxiety filled self and get moving. How did my relaxing outing with my girls go so terribly wrong? All I can do now is jump into today with both feet, so here goes…TTFN!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Fever Pitch



This is the beginning of a no holds barred, fever pitch, full steam ahead, Homecoming weekend. The girls are dressed in their school colors this morning and they are running around trying to get out the door so that Mark can drive them to school in time for a student council meeting. This is a big deal. They have dressed in Neon one day, and animal print the next, there was even a Homecoming float parade in the pouring rain (Aly and I skipped that). Now we are closing in on the game tonight and the dance tomorrow. Here is where it gets a little crazy.

 
Last June, Mark and I ordered tickets for a play (Legally Blonde the Musical) for Aly's July birthday. This is a show she has wanted to see for a long time. We ordered four tickets so that Aly, her sisters and I could go. I was so happy with myself, I chose this coming Saturday at 2:00PM which was available on the schedule thinking that then Ashleigh could come for the show and still go home if she wanted too. It never occurred to me that Ashleigh would be working out of state or that our district would chose to have our Homecoming Dance on the same day! So now Ashleigh is driving in from the Pennsylvania/West Virginia border and the girls are juggling their pre dance dinner plans trying to figure out how to make it all work. We are all feeling on edge wondering how the timing is going to work out. I see us standing up as the curtain falls on the show and making a run for the door. When we bought the tickets, I chose the front row/middle of the balcony so we would not miss a thing, and now I am plotting and scheming on how I can get people to trade seats with us so that we can sit on the end and sneak out. This fun chick weekend that I had envisioned is now a race to the finish line.

 
I have to keep reminding myself that all of this is supposed to be fun. The girls are excited for everything, but frustrated at not knowing how the timing will all work out and whether they will make it to their dinners with their friends. My heart has already started racing, and I am not sure if it is from the fever pitch of activities ahead or if it is just pure excitement at having Ashleigh home for the weekend. Whatever it is, I have to put my game face on (or play face) and enjoy the ride. It will all work out, it will just be an intense few hours of dressing up running to the play and then coming home dressing up and running to dinner and then the dance. Once everyone is safely where they need to be I hope to put up my feet and spend some time with Ashleigh. In the mean time…GANG WAY!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The “Tude”

It's not pretty, but it's the way it is. There have been a few minor (and one or two major) irritations in my life that have grown into a very bad attitude. I find myself with this invisible storm cloud over my head and I cannot seem to shake it. This normally active person has become a couch potato. I have watched more television in the last week then I probably watched all of last year. My already shaky grocery shopping and dinner preparation has taken an even bigger nose dive. I am the victim of a major "tude".

I know what I need to do to get out of it, but I am not ready to put the effort out yet. Part of me is enjoying the self pity and over all disappointment. I push myself constantly to be on my game and stay on my game, and right now it just feels good to be out of the game. All that is required is a pair of comfortable sweat pants and a t-shirt. I do not have to fuss. I do not have to worry about looking good, because the TV does not care what I look like. My family are all busy with their own pursuits and really do not seem to care all that much that I have only made a couple of decent meals in the last few days or that my energy is expelled once I ask how their days were. Today, I will have to pull it together and get some things done. I will even have to do a little grocery shopping; that will be a little easier if the bank replaces the money that is missing from our account. Otherwise, I will be returning bottles to fund the care and feeding of my family.

Perhaps my attitude comes from the missing money, or maybe it is from dealing with all of the issues that Aly has had lately, or could it be the stress of the continued aggravation of trying to settle my Mom's estate. I should note that my sister is doing the lion's share of the work on that because she has the knowledge and experience. I am merely the one that nods and says "Sounds like a plan", or "Great job thanks for doing that". If I am stressed, I cannot imagine what she is going through. Maybe my attitude comes from the dealings with my aunt, the constant juggling of her life within our lives. I do know that some of my "tude" comes from a deep feeling that I let my Mom down. Reality is I could not have changed her life that she chose with my Dad, but at the end when I saw that her life was not being honored and treasured it hurt me. In some ways it beat me down and I have not bounced back from that. It is like reaching for that treasured glass as you see it falling and knowing that nothing you do can save it; it's a lost cause.

There it is the wick on my candle of attitude, the lost cause. Each little thing has piled up around this one lost cause and made it larger than my life. I cannot turn back the clock, I cannot change the past and I cannot seem to move forward. I am just stuck in my sweatpants with an attitude. I have pushed myself to get out of this and instead I have cemented myself in it. This is going to take a lot longer than I thought; I just hope my family does not starve in the mean time.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Entitlement


Photo today...my empty wallet!

Yesterday morning I went online to check out my bank account. I had written a check to the high school for the girl's year books back in August and it still had not cleared. I was starting to think that maybe I should contact the school to see if the paperwork had been lost. How long does it take to deposit a check anyway? The excitement came when I opened up our account online to discover our checking account, savings account and even our overdraft protection were at zero. It felt a little like when you see a magic trick that you cannot explain, I was surprised and shocked at what I saw.

I immediately called my Credit Union. "Hello, Blah blah Credit Union how may I help you?" "Um hi…I am freaking out right now…my account is at zero and there are a bunch of charges from Baltimore, Maryland that I know nothing about!" From there it took on a life of its own. I was told that ours was one of three accounts that had been compromised, that did not help me feel any better, but maybe they thought if I knew about the others I would not take it too personally.What crossed my mind was that whoever did this thought that they deserved what I had, they were entitled to it. Why work for money when you can just take it from wherever you want too. Bonnie and Clyde came to mind, they also felt they were entitled; the difference was they would shoot whoever tried to stop them. With technology we now have the crime without the shooting, but it does not hurt any less. Someone decides they want what you have and they just take it, same old story different day. In the end we will get back what they took from us, once the credit union sorts it all out, their insurance will reimburse us for our loss. Those crooks walk away with our money and the bank gets stuck with the bill. Nice gig if you can still sleep at night. I am sure I will never understand how people can do these types of things. Seriously, with all the talent, time and energy it takes to think this stuff up and carry it out, these criminals could be inventing cures for cancer or something. What a giant waste of a brain!

So here is the question of the day, what turns people from honesty and hard work. When do you say to yourself, "You know what, I do not want to work, I want to live a life of crime"? I will probably never understand the concept of evil and deceit. I have been living with evil and deceit in my life for almost the last two years watching everything my Dad did and now sorting through it all with my sister and I still do not get it. Why intentionally hurt someone else? Why take what is not yours? What makes you entitled?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!

I am frustrated! After weeks of planning and excitement, I am not able to take my Italian class. I realized last night that I will have to miss two of the six classes. It really does not make sense for me to take the class now and I am very disappointed. Life is happening while I am making other plans again and I do not like it one bit!

There was also a trip back to the surgeon yesterday to have Aly checked out and it was confirmed that she will have to have her surgery in November, the week of Thanksgiving, which hopefully will mean Aly will not miss too much school during her recovery. The hard part is that Mark and I have been trying to plan for me to join him on a business trip, which now falls the week before the surgery is scheduled and I am worried that Aly will need to go into the hospital for blood tests or something the week before and I will not be home to take her or sign papers or anything else that might come up. I am feeling like a bad Mom (frownie face) for two reasons, leaving my daughter when she might need me, and putting my own desires above the well being of my daughter. This business trip is to Seattle, Washington and for as long as I can remember Mark has said to me "The next time I go to Seattle, I want to take you with me". Mark has come and gone to Seattle so many times that I started to think he was just tormenting me with the possibility, and it was just never going to happen. So here we are contemplating this hoping to make it work and something comes up to stop me in my tracks.

I worry an awful lot about being a good Mom. I think that since my own Mom was maternally challenged that I am always worried that I will show signs of this affliction. I also have the flipside of that worry that has me feeling frustrated and somewhat angry that I once again have to toss things that I want to do aside, at which point I say AAAGGGGHHHH! I am a walking example of frustration unleashed. I am short tempered and easily annoyed, walking around with a furrowed brow and my panties in a bunch.

I am planning to call the doctor today and see if there is anything I could do ahead of time to prepare for Aly's surgery. This would make my joining Mark (on this trip) a reality instead of another item on my dream board. As far as the Italian lessons, I am certain that is toast. Hopefully there will be another opportunity to take Italian lessons in the future. You know being a big girl is not as fun as it looks sometimes, keeping the best interests of your family in mind can really cramp your style.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Siblings


Todays photo is the first day of school 2010
Left is Aly my Junior
Right is Avery my Freshman
(Don't they look happy?)

I was born an only child, and remained an only until the age of 23 (when my Mom remarried and I became stepsister to 3 girls). Being an only I tend to struggle with the sibling dynamic. Why do they laugh and talk and make plans together one minute and then fight like crazy the next. This scenario has amplified since my two youngest daughters are now going to high school together. One is quite type A and her sister accuses her of mothering her all the time. The other is very laid back and tends to not care enough about details which drives type A (and Mom sometimes) crazy. The issue is, that the house, is a hot bed of on and off hostility and you are never sure when the next battle will start. I am actually feeling that I now have a stress disorder.

 
Immediately upon hearing one of the girls raise their voice, the back of my neck tightens up. Sometimes it is a jovial raised voice where they are laughing and talking and other times it is a "run for the bunker time" moment when the mean words start to fly and the girls become angrier and angrier and louder and louder culminating with a slammed door or stomping feet. My body has started becoming so tense that I am slow to react to their (most times) ridiculous brawls. Honestly, being an only is a disadvantage because even this late in the parenting game, my thought is still "Why can't we all just get along?"

 
The other night when I had some of my friends over to play Bunco, my youngest sister brought along a friend of hers who happened to mention that she was an only child, so I asked her how she feels when her kids start to fight and she shared that she too struggled with the sibling dissention. I suppose as only children we fantasized about what our lives would be like if we had siblings and within that fantasy all was rosy with a cherry on top. Having been in the trenches with these two girls of mine for the last 16 years and also having their oldest sister in the mix at times, I now know there is no easy way to maneuver this. I am constantly accused of taking someone's side or not caring, it is never a winning situation for me.

 
I had an interesting conversation with my youngest the other day, where she informed me that she needed to find herself. She felt like she had been dragged onto the family train of singing and acting. She told me she needs some time to sort this out, "Mom, why am I doing this? Is it because that is what Ashleigh and Aly did?" I could not answer her, since I am struggling with my own type of identity crisis at 50 years old. I did offer that she can take the time to find out what she wants to do, but that not wanting to sing or act solely based on the fact that your sisters did it is a quick way to sell yourself short. It is also not a good reason to be mad at your sister or fight with her. "She is just trying to include you so that you feel a part of what is going on at school."

 
The honest truth is that no matter what I do or say this bickering one minute and skipping hand and hand together the next will be the story of my life for a few more years. The other thing I have to remember is that I should not get emotionally involved in their dramas, because moments later they are friends again and I am stilled ticked off by their behavior, cowering in the corner and trying to recover from another bout of Stress Disorder. Yes, that is me you see balancing on the tight rope trying to make my way to the other side of parenting without falling to the net. I have had a few miss steps, but over all I think I will be fine. The truth is by the time I figure out how to survive this, Aly will be off to college and I will be parenting my youngest. That is when I will probably drive her crazy by parenting her too much and she will be missing her big sister's two cents!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Settle Down


Ok, maybe I let my frustration carry me away yesterday. I am over the whole drama thing but it is not going away, so I just need to settle down. Honestly, maybe what I should do is just call New Orleans sister and explain that what we are doing here is trying to get this situation (Mom's estate) under control so everyone can move on. The issue is that I am gun shy. I have put myself out there for her before and it has ended up biting me in the buttocks. I am just not sure of the right move to make here. Call her and get bitten in the butt or not call her and have a large chunk of butt removed, decisions, decisions!

 
This whole drama has stepped in front of my quest for "the Me I want to be". Perhaps that is what has my panties in a bunch, my desire to just be through with all of this family drama. This scenario has been going on for a year and a half, and I am weary of it being constantly in my rearview mirror. However, there is the possibility that I might miss all the fun and frivolity when it is over. Who knows maybe I need this to remind me (continuously) to enjoy life and live in the moment. I am learning a lot about estate issues, and I have also decided that when I die if my kids fight over the little I will have left, I will haunt them. So, some good has come from this. I have also come to know my sisters that live here much better and I have come to love them and care about them even more than before. Looking for the good, helps me get through it all.

 
Next week I start my Italian lessons that I wrote about a few weeks ago. I am nervous and excited to start my personal journey of fulfillment. This is in addition to my having 12 girlfriends over last night to play Bunco. I was nervous and apprehensive about having people over; I worried that I would not enjoy myself. I used to love having parties and inviting friends and family over, but in the last little while it has seemed over whelming and not worth the time and energy. I am happy to report that after a pep talk from my oldest daughter Ashleigh, I went forward with my plans and had a great time.

 
I am working hard to live in the moment and not let this family drama drag me down. Several questions worry me though, what will I do when this is all finally over? Will I miss all of this turmoil? Have I grown accustomed to the feeling of anxiety and worry? Will I seek out ways to be a victim? Nah, that is not the way I want to live, I guess reality is that if I am living in the moment then I will be able to move seamlessly away from this time in my life because I will have a path to continue down. Now I just need to settle down and figure out what to do next. To call or not to call, that is the question…

Friday, October 8, 2010

Down the Rabbit Hole


Just when you think that everything is on track and you are going to come out the other side intact, you stumble down the rabbit hole and end up back in wonderland. Here we go again trying to deal with family and get this estate cleared up and distributed. If there was room, my poor Mom's ashes would be spinning around in her little wooden box. That is not possible since I also added her cat Mandy's ashes and her dog Cassie's ashes to the box (creepy, I know, but I just did not want to throw them out and since I know she loved her "babies" (her words not mine) it seemed like a good choice). Anyway, I digress. The point is that now instead of my Dad dragging us into Wonderland one of my sister's is filling his shoes.

 
All my sister and I want to do is settle this estate and move on, but instead our sister that worked for my Dad in New Orleans, seems to be doing everything she can to A. Make my other sister (that is co-executor) and I look like idiots and B. Throw up every road block and stir the pot with everyone we are dealing with in New Orleans. This is nothing new with our sister. We have spent our entire lives dealing with her stunts and now her stunts are biting us in the butt again.

 
Example: Years ago New Orleans sister called me crying that her current boyfriend's roommate was being mean to her while her boyfriend was out of town. Since she was living there, she did not want to stay there it was just too upsetting. I had her throw her stuff in the car and come stay with me until he returned. I was a single Mom living in a mobile home that I had purchased on my limited income, but I wanted to help her. The week turned into a month and the month turned into three and she never offered to chip in for expenses. I even went so far as to wash my cat in special soap at the time; because she was allergic (that was fun). Anyway, during this time she started seeing someone else and ended her relationship with the boyfriend. Suddenly, she was mad at me because I had suggested that if she was going to stay she should help financially and she started telling people that I was being mean to her and that she had to move out. One weekend while my daughter and I were visiting a friend of mine, she moved out. The only reason I even knew that she moved was that I called my Mom when I got home to let her know we were home safe and she told me my sister had moved out because I was so "mean" to her.

 
New Orleans sister eventually married the boyfriend, but the tough part is she is married to my husband's brother. I of course met and married Mark (met him at a party she had), and even that whole thing was a huge drama, ("When you two break up it will ruin my wedding" Huh?) but I will not get into it. Basically, I feel like she is never happy unless she is a victim. There never seems to be a time when she is not having some sort of difficulty and I believe that now her new banner to wave is My Sister's are MEAN.

 The problem with that is all we are trying to do is get information to clear up this mess that my Dad created and move on. Instead of New Orleans sister working with us to get this estate done and over with she is creating drama after drama, and my other sister and I are wandering around wonderland trying to find the right potion to get us the heck out of here. Essentially I am very tired of being her wiping girl and letting her need to be a victim be my problem. I am also starting to realize that we have another narcissist in the family. The way that she operates is to constantly turn your attention back to her by creating an illness, or a slight for you to feel sorry for her about and when that does not work, she ramps it up and starts directly attacking you. Well. I am announcing today that I am through with the family narcissists running the show! My sister and I want nothing more than to get this estate cleared up fairly and move on. No one is trying to slight anyone; we just want to get on with our lives outside of Wonderland!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Forgiving


I woke up to crying. It was a soft and painful type of crying, the type you hear when someone is very sad; it was 4:00 AM. I laid there for a minute getting my bearings and trying to distinguish where the crying was coming from and decided it was Aly. I climbed out of bed and stood in the hallway but did not hear it anymore, so I opened Aly's door and said "Are you alright?" There was no answer, so I stood there for a minute and listened. Aly sat up then and I asked again, "Are you alright?" "Yeah why?" she replied. "No reason, I thought I heard something." I went back to my bed and laid there listening but did not hear the crying anymore. That's when my mind took over and I woke Mark up and asked him to hold me. I was FREAKED OUT! I know I heard the crying, but where was it coming from? Who was it?

 
This all comes on after I spent some time yesterday thinking about my parents (once again) and all of the things that had happened in the last couple of years. I had heard a discussion yesterday about forgiveness and I caught myself thinking back to a few months ago when I forgave my Dad for all of the emotional pain that he inflicted. There have been times when I wondered if he did the things he did on purpose or if he was just so narcissistic1 that he moved about his life doing as he pleased and did not realize what he did to others. I have such a difficult time understanding how people can deceive and hurt others. How does someone intentionally set out to harm someone else and justify that within themselves? Perhaps it is best that I do not understand it. My forgiveness was not based on my understanding of his actions, it was based solely on my desire to be set free of the anger and hurt so that I could move on and become fully engaged and present in my own life.

 
That to me was the best thing I ever did for myself. I did not forgive him because his actions were suddenly acceptable to me; I forgave him only to set myself free. Forgiveness does not make the actions of another any less or even lesson their responsibility for the pain and hurt they have caused, but it does diminish the size of pain and hurt you feel. It was hard enough to live through it without dragging the anger around with me for the rest of my life. There are so many other wonderful people in my life that deserve that time and attention. Until the moment I forgave him, I did not understand the whole concept of forgiving.

 
This of course does not explain the crying I heard. It was not a dream, I heard it, but was it inside me or was it something else? I wish I knew. I do know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my Mom. I sometimes wonder if she is trying to communicate with me. I hope that she knows now that everything that happened in my life has made me the person that I am today, and despite a few glitches, I like that person. I am sad that I did not have the relationship with my Mom that I have with my girls, but I am grateful that I was able to walk away from the dysfunction, (most of it anyway) and have this great family and life. So, please don't cry whoever you are, I am OK. I am making it, it's not always easy, (especially when you cannot fall back to sleep) but I have both feet firmly planted and my heart is full of love. The saying goes; "Revenge is sweet." I have to believe that Forgiveness is sweeter.
From Dictionary.com
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

To learn more:


    

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

It Just Happened


I cannot explain it. I just could not bring myself to type Day 20 yesterday. I typed it out and then I deleted it, than typed again and delete, I removed it once more. Since I have started writing again this fall I have struggled each day to write the day and number. Something about it was pushing me to the edge. Perhaps it was that I just do not want to have the pressure of the days hanging over me. The other issue is that as I spent time thinking on my "All about me" day I realized that I wanted to write about more than just things that affect me. There is a whole world of things happening that have not only affected me, but others and I want the freedom to write about those things too. I do not want to feel pigeon holed into a specific day. It just happened, I saw a new path and I decided to take it. I am feeling the need to step outside of my own life and see what the world has to offer.


 With that I stumbled across this story of a family that in 2006 were burying their son Lance Cpl Matthew Snyder in Westminster, Maryland and 300 feet away from the funeral stood protesters from Westboro Baptist church with signs that read "God hates you" and "Thank God for dead soldiers". The church founded by Fred Phelps believes that God kills our soldiers "as punishment for the sin of homosexuality". This soldier was not gay, but the church believes that God is punishing us for the sin of homosexuality by killing soldiers. This church feels it is there right to promote the beliefs of their church where ever they want to. The father of Lance Cpl Matthew Snyder, Albert Snyder stated he was shocked that someone could do something like this during such a difficult and private time. Albert Snyder and his family have taken this issue to court to protect other families from the pain this group caused them. The family won and then on appeal the church one based on the first amendment, it has now reached the Supreme Court.



 
How sad for this family that their privacy was invaded during such a difficult and painful time. Not only were they dealing with sadness and loss, but they also had to face these "church" people and their signs and also their shouting. I am shocked at how many times I have seen the first amendment yanked out and used to explain away inappropriate choices and behavior. I am also always saddened when I hear of people using God and religion as an excuse to push their own personal agendas. This family deserved peace and privacy to mourn the loss of their son. While this so called church is busy stumping around yelling and carrying signs and calling for their rights to be, say and do what they want, what happens to the innocent people that they are using to push their agendas? What about their rights? I will be curious to see what the Supreme Courtdecides in the months to come.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Gift of Life


I have been saddened in the last few days by the stories of the young people that have chosen to take their lives based on the pain and humiliation inflicted by others. I shared recently the pain that was inflicted by middle school kids, and to hear that teens were choosing to end their life because of it was shocking, but actually no surprise to me. I remember the pain I felt from kids making fun of me for having bad acne. I cannot even imagine the pain these kids were feeling. These young people were struggling with their sexual orientation that is difficult enough for any young person, gay or straight without some insensitive kids mocking them and bullying them and even physically harming them for it.

 
When you are in the middle of the bullying and mocking you feel so worthless. Your heart hurts and your mind is unable to process how people can be so hurtful. I remember feeling like the kids were right, I was gross and ugly. I wanted a place to hide. I also felt like I had nowhere to turn for help and support. No one would want to help an ugly person. My Mom was not someone I could lean on or count on, and we moved so often that there was no one that I had a strong enough bond with to talk to. I honestly had my own feelings of wanting to end my life to be free of the intense pain I felt.

 
Yesterday, I learned of the It Gets Better Project. It is aimed at young people that are struggling with their sexual orientation, but listening to the people speaking out, I felt like they were talking to anyone that has felt humiliation and pain at the hands of another. It does get better, the concentrated group that you are with as you grow up becomes larger as you enter high school and even larger in college and finally once you are on your own in the world, you begin to find your way. It takes time, but it does get better. The wounds heal, but the scars remain. The memories will dim as life begins to flow more easily. Life's gift will be that through the scars and the memories you are able to remember the past and enjoy your future.

 
You are never free of the scars and memories, but they do not control your life, they make you more understanding, loving and excepting of the differences in others. Life is a precious gift and each part of your life is like unwrapping a layer of paper and tissue. There is something special under there and you just have to be patient and take your time until you discover what is great and wondrous inside you. You just cannot give up and set the gift aside or throw it out. Time is the great leveler and healer, and you have to allow yourself at the very least the time to become the person you are meant to be. It does get better and judging by the amount of people gay and straight that are reaching out to others and telling their stories, many of us have felt this pain for many reasons and made our way through it. Hopefully, through this we can all see and appreciate the gift of life.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Day 19 Ride of Your Life

I let my girls take my car to school this morning. Today is officially "all about me" day and I thought if I let them take the car then I am forced to stay home. Of course the girls went out the door bickering and I had to point my Mommy finger at them and warn them that I did not want any bickering in the car while they are driving. Even on this day about me, I am still a Mom. You might remember that I planned this day last week, and I even went so far as to put the day on my calendar. So here I am faced with a day to just do my own thing, and I am not sure what I will do with myself. I really just wanted to create this day and see what happens. I am normally not good at just taking it easy, but I have been so tired lately, I think it will be easier than usual.

Yesterday, I was talking with a very good friend of mine and her son was telling us about a recent study where a university blocked the Facebook (cyber social networking site) site on campus for a whole weekend. He was explaining to us that the reaction that the students had was similar to the reactions of people with addictions. As we spoke I made the decision to quit my Facebook site for the week. I made the deal with him that I could stay off my page, and now I can tell you that I understand how the students at the university struggled for the weekend when they were shut out from the social network. Honestly, I did not realize how much time I spent poking around the site. I don't necessarily think Facebook is a bad thing, I just think it can be a time waster. I think you can connect with a lot of people you might not normally have a chance to catch up with, and I also think that there are a lot of connections offered for information for many worthwhile organizations. That being said, it is still a time sucker and I am going to try to stay off of it

This will be a crazy week of being busy in spurts, that will culminate on Friday with a get together with some girlfriends to play the fun dice game Bunco. I decided to plan something with some friends, and for a while had tossed around the idea of a Halloween party, but I just did not have the energy to pull off a full blown party and thought perhaps a Bunco game with 12 women would be a fun time. This of course requires a clean house and prepared snacks. I have my menu mostly prepared, and my house will need some fine tuning too. But all of that is going to have to wait, because today is "all about me" day

Really all today is, is a day for me to take some time to think a little and rest a little. There is no such thing as "all about me" when you are a wife and mother. You are always on duty. Ready at the drop of a hat to prepare meals, pick up sick kids, drive people places and clean and do laundry. It is a never ending cycle, which I am sure that my few hours of being off duty will not affect at all. There will be no riding with the top down today (which would require a convertible which we do not have) or even riding with the windows down for that matter. Today I will be on foot and I will take the time to smell the fresh air and feel the warm sun. That is, if I feel like it.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Day 18 Ride of Your Life

How do I begin to describe my day yesterday? It was full of frustration, sadness and random moments where a good scream would have helped a lot. We sat in my Aunts kitchen as she had us (her aide Anna, Mark and me) scrambling looking for a picture of my Uncle Ted and the death certificates for my Uncle and her daughter Dana. She made me write down the dates on a piece of paper so she could have them with her. The thing is, she cannot see, so what I was writing would not matter anyway. There is no reasoning with her, so I just do not try, however when she started talking about bringing an old knitting basket full of yarn back to her room at the senior community, I put my foot down. A. YOU CAN'T SEE and B. YOU DON'T KNIT!! We are not going to pile loads of stuff in your room at the senior community, I have my hands full with the heaps and piles right here in your house!! I did not say any of this to her other than we did not need to bring the yarn with us. She did not fight me, so I did not have to do the big bully niece smack down or what I like to call the BBNSD.

My sadness came from watching her in her home and knowing that she would never be back there to live. I also am sad that she wants so badly to control her life and she thinks she is, but Mark and I are in the background keeping her life going. Part of me wants her to think that she is in control, and the other part of me just wants to clean out her house and move on. I also feel like an insensitive monster, because that is her home, her entire life is in there, she still has all of my uncles clothes and he died in 2002, plus probably every gift bag that she ever received randomly strewn from closet to closet. Somewhere in all of this is a lesson that I need to learn, and I am not clever enough to get it yet.

One thing I have learned is that I need to know when to let go. There may be a time in my life when I will have to let my children or husband make decisions for me and I will just have to trust them. I might even have some random relative taking care of me, you just never know. In any case there will come a time in my life when being the driver of my own car will no longer be possible, and I will have to hand over the keys to someone else. This is when you realize that life is not about anything other than living the best life that you can. Being open handed and loving and showing others that they are appreciated. I am grateful to have this lesson now, so when the time comes I can check the expectations at the car door. Then I will climb in and say "Thanks for the ride of my life, I appreciate it! "Now let's put the pedal to the metal!" That part only because odds are very good that I will still have the need to run the show just a little bit.

As I look back over the day yesterday, I realize that my Aunt will not change. As frustrating as that is, it is the truth. She has lived 93 years as who she is and she not about to change, or become retrospective. The fact is that I have the honor of helping make the remaining time she has pleasant and comfortable. She will be well cared for and she will also be safe. She does not have to change for me, or appreciate me. She has lost most of her family and if I can fill in for them I will. Frustrations and screaming aside, she is family…my family and I love her, and deep down inside even on the worst days, I know she loves her BBN (Big Bully Niece) too.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Day 17 Ride of Your Life

There is no quiet for Mom this morning. Everyone was up early doing last little bits of homework, showering and making lunches. I count on the quiet in the morning it is a time for me to center myself and become focused. When my family is scrambling around with the radio on and telling the back stories of their previous day, I cannot zero in on my thoughts. I feel like calling my brain tower for clearance but there is none to be had.

Today will be an emotionally draining day. I will be taking my Great Aunt home to see her house. She needs to see that there has been no giant garage sale or purging of her property while she has been away from home. She has a list of items she wants to make sure no one has taken. I have prepared a lunch for us to share while we are there and my plan is to get in and out of there without too much discussion about the fact that she cannot go home again unless she has 24 hour care, that topic never goes well. She does not want strangers in her house, so she would rather not be home. I am prepared to take the heat for her being in the senior community, because she is safe and that is what is most important. She has no interest in facing reality, so I have to be her reality check.

This is why my dream life is so important. It helps me reach past my reality into the life I would like to live and the dreams I would like to be reality. It is my alternate universe. I am able to step outside myself, shut off my doubts and see possibilities. I am not just someone's wife, or mother or niece; I am someone with potential and talent. I know that I am someone with potential and talents, but I sometimes forget when I am faced with all the everyday responsibilities, than I become just another Mom in the grocery store or in the pickup lane at the school.

Things are finally quiet, the family has gone for the day and I am preparing to do the same. I might as well get the show on the road. It is suppose to be a beautiful day which will make my travels more pleasant. There is nothing like a boat full of sunshine to get you through the day.