Looking Ahead

Me in my lovely little kitchen

In 48 hours a new year will be here. Each New Year brings another chance to get it right. You can organize the unorganized, fix a relationship, clean up a mess, or even move on from the past. All these things help make a New Year a new beginning.

 I know that this year our plan is to hopefully complete my Mom's estate issues that have been plaguing us since my Dad died. My sister has been dealing with most of the issues since she has the knowledge that I do not have about all of this. She is a very detail oriented person, and I tend to take things at face value. I tend to trust my gut and she investigates. Between the two of us we make a good team and hopefully, she will not be too burned out before we complete this mess.

 I am finally after many years looking to redo my kitchen. I have a very tiny galley style kitchen that I love complete with cabinets from the caveman era. There is poor use of space and very little that is convenient about how they are laid out. I am looking forward to a face lift for my kitchen, since I spend a good amount of my time in there.

 My heart tells me that it is time to make plans to remove my Mom (plus her cat and dog) from the little wooden box on my living room end table and place her somewhere sunny and warm. I am hoping that on a warm and sunny spring or summer day, I can finally lay her to rest. I no longer want to carry the sadness of the turn of events at her life's end with me. I am ready to put those memories to rest.

 Most of all, Mark and I may have some decisions to make that may change our lives. No need to panic, we are happily married and planning to annoy each other until God calls us home, but there are opportunities that may knock and we want to be prepared to answer their call with confidence.

 With a new year comes the mantra; Change is good! At times change can be scary, whether it is a kitchen, your Mom's ashes, or just your whole life, it takes thought and planning and with a whole year ahead of us we should have plenty of time to make it all happen. So I welcome this new beginning and hope that a year is plenty of time to get it all done.

 

Happy New Year to one and all!

If you are comfortable please post one new change you hope to make in the coming year. Perhaps if we make the changes together it will make it easier.

I will be back on Monday, January 3^rd, have a save and happy holiday!

Sympathy

I recently had to share with my daughter Aly that sympathy is a tricky thing. Some people become addicted to the attention you receive when something is wrong and then they seek that attention high. While people feel badly for you when you are not well, they quickly move on from there. Constantly dragging them back to your woes can begin to grow old and you lose your audience.

 I mentioned this to her because I had to learn that lesson the hard way. I watched as friends became disillusioned and annoyed with me when I was younger and I did not want that to happen to her. I also know that as I got older and would share stories about being a single mom or perhaps even my childhood that some people just plain did not care. Most people have their own story. Each of us has had hard times that have built us into the people we are, and to assume that our wounds, both physical and emotional are more important than someone else's is setting you up for a very lonely existence.

 Perhaps, I have shared the story of my Ah Ha moment as a single mother. I was sharing with Ashleigh's new Girl Scout leader how I would not be able to help with the troop much, because I worked full time and I was also a single Mom. I shared how full my plate was, busy busy busy, blah blah blah and received what I recall as dead silence on the other end of the phone. It was very uncomfortable. I actually think I heard the Scout Leader as she was thinking "Big whoop!" It turned out that not only did this mother of two lead Girl scouts, she also lead her son's Scout troop and she worked full time. This was in addition to her being a wife and mother. That was the moment I realized that my story is important to me, but it is not the only story there is.

I know that Aly is uncomfortable and still feels some pain from her surgery, but if she leans so hard on her misery there may come a moment when people just do not care anymore. She might be faced with people turning away and saying "Whatever". I do not want to be her enabler by feeding into her and setting her up for a life time of attention seeking. I would prefer to teach her that who she is will be her best attention getter. The pretty girl with the great smile, laugh and beautiful singing voice in addition to her intelligence has more to offer then the girl with the sore butt. It was a tough love moment that may fling me into the Bad Mom of the Year category, but it is worth it if I can redirect her path just a little. Sympathy is an impulse of compassion that has its place, but it is not the only place. Being who you are and living a full and productive life is a much better way of building a life with friends who enjoy a well rounded relationship with you, a relationship that includes a give and take of love, encouragement, sympathy and understanding. This type of relationship will with stand the test of time and will grow stronger. The attention seeking person will be left adrift constantly seeking someone new to appreciate their list of woes real and imagined. That just seems like a lot of work for little reward to me.

Perception

Have you ever been in a situation where someone you know has a different perception of a person or events then you have? You find yourself stumped and confused. You might even be scratching your head wondering what you have missed, or even why the other person does not get it.

"Human perception is the psychological definition of what we perceive, which despite what some people believe is not always the same as what truly is. Human beings have a tendency to perceive things the way they want to rather than how they are really happening. Also a person without sight may perceive sound drastically different that somebody with the ability to see. Each person's individual perception is based on that person's previous life experience and with that being the case no two people's perception of the same situation is likely to be exactly the same."

asoalexander - Answer Expert @ www.reference.com

 

Just knowing that none of us perceive things the same does not help when you are smack in the middle of a situation that frustrates you. That is a hard place to stand. You can feel alone and misunderstood. There is also a chance that you can feel ganged up on. How do you resolve this without hurting people you care about? I learned a long time ago that people believe what they want and no amount of cajoling or arguing is going to change someone else's mind or perception, that is something they have to do for themselves. There is the random epiphany that some have that brings them in line with your perception, but over all you must be comfortable standing in the hard place and living with what you believe to be true.

Today, I am writing to you from the hard place. It is not entirely uncomfortable; I have been here a long time. I know that my perception is correct and I stand where I am to protect myself. No one has ever asked me about my perception; there has just been an assumption that something is "wrong" with me. There has been no attempt at understanding or compassion for my feelings. Instead I have been judged.

I am now at the point that others will now be hurt because I do not intend on changing my perception or my stance. I am not happy about the hurt feelings, but by judging me and assuming things about me a choice, or perception has been made and I am unwilling to bend or move from my hard place just to make others that do not "understand why" I am in this place feel better. This is my line in the sand. There should be no problem with perception from here on out, because I am no longer willing to just stand by and give away my energy for someone else (who could care less about my feelings). I feel like the perception now should be easy, if for some reason there is confusion then I hope you will take the time to ask me about how and why my perception is what it is, instead of assuming that I am the problem.

Living a Dream

Christmas is over. The time of rushing to make dreams come true has ended. Still standing out in my mind this morning is the question I was asked last night by a friend of mine. "So Ragen, what are you doing these days?" That's a good question.

Over the last few weeks it has been in the back of my mind that I have stopped thinking about or even working towards anything on my dream board. I have lost track of myself. There is a small part of me that is uncomfortable with the whole dream board concept because it seems almost selfish. Maybe that is why I have not pursued more options for my dream board. That feeling of focusing on myself and what I want is foreign to me, it seems like I am always juggling what my family wants and needs. When I was caught by the, (what are you doing now?) question, I was unable to respond with anything other than, "Being a Mom". I had nothing to offer, with that short and sweet response, that portion of the conversation came to an uncomfortable halt. I could hear the screeching of tires and crashing sounds in my head.

Now today I sit pondering what to do with myself. Have I become delusional in my thinking that my family cannot make it without me being available to them 24/7? Is it possible I am kidding myself that they (my family) need me because I am too lazy to do something with myself? Why is it that NOTHING seems to sound good to me, not going to school, or getting a job, even volunteering does not seem to be a good fit.

Just a few short weeks ago I was explaining to my daughter Avery that I love what I do, being a Mom is what I think I was meant to be, but the question is looming out there and I need to be brave enough to answer it. What will I do when my Mom days are over? The other question I dare to ask myself is do I have a dream to live? These are good questions for the New Year ahead, I really do not want to be the reason a conversation comes to a quick end. I would like to share clever antidotes and delightful stories, not stare blankly like a deer in head lights when someone asks me…So, what are you doing now? I want to be able to respond "Living a Dream!"

Have a Jolly Holly

Here we are it is Christmas Eve, all the dashing about and preparing for Christmas should be slowing down now. I took just a second this morning to stand in my dark kitchen and breath, deep breaths of calm quiet air. There will be nonstop activity here in just a little while as we put the finishing touches on our holiday meal and gifts. We also plan to visit Aunt Nina for a little while this morning. There is Church this afternoon and Scott and Ashleigh will arrive this evening. Nowhere in there will there be time for me to center myself and reflect. This is it.

 I am blessed. I have all that I need and could ever want. My life is full of wonderful people who teach me every day. There is no room today for sadness and sorrow today is about the joy to the world and the heavenly peace. All is calm and all is bright, so here is wishing all of you loyal readers a wonderful Christmas season full of good tidings.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there!

 I will be taking the next couple of days off to relax with my family and enjoy the holiday. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Reflections

Isn't it amazing how the holiday traditions affect everyone? Each of us has a vision of what we want Christmas to be and we all work towards that vision. I would guess that none of us have the same vision.

 A few years ago when my oldest Ashleigh was in college, I decided that I was tired of the ham and cheesy potato casserole for Christmas Eve dinner. I wanted to change it up a little and shared with Ashleigh that I was ready for a change. When I mentioned that I wanted to make something besides cheesy potatoes she began to cry. To her the potatoes were a sign of Christmas. Since I do not want to be the reason someone's Christmas is ruined I backed down and prepared the potatoes. This week, I mentioned at dinner that I was thinking about kicking it up a notch and preparing twice baked potatoes. A good friend of mine had said she was making them for her family and I thought that sounded delicious. To my surprise, my youngest child began to cry at the possibility of losing the cheesy potatoes at our Christmas dinner. At this point, all I can do is through my hands in the air and yell "I GIVE!" Cheesy potatoes it is until the end of time.

 For me the stockings are my Christmas "have to". I think the stocking is the very best part of Christmas. Morning comes and the most excited person in the family gets up and wakes the rest, the coffee pot is started the orange juice is poured and we plop down by our fireplace to open our stockings. Mark has said that the stocking is the most expensive part of Christmas because of all the small items you have to buy, but I know that Santa fills mine and he never worries about the cost. I LOVE Santa!

 My vision of Christmas has evolved and changed as the years have gone on. When Mark and I first married we would enjoy big noisy Christmases with his Mom and Dad and his five siblings and families. Now we have a quieter Christmas at our home with our children. I am certain that in the next few years even that will change as my girls grow older and their lives change. No one vision is wrong or better, because they are all part of tradition. To me traditions are the best parts of your holiday that are stuck in your heart. Even if they change those traditions will always be a part of you.

 It is time for me to get busy. Avery and I are planning to make our cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning today. This is just another of our traditions that all of us look forward to. Well, all of us except Aly who claims she does not like cinnamon rolls (go figure). But you know what? It's OK because maybe Aly will come up with a better vision for Christmas morning someday. We will just have to wait and see.

Past and Presents

I was about two here...saddly, (I must admit)
I still have this dress!

When I was a little girl Christmas was the ultimate day of the year. It is actually the one day I can say that I felt special and loved. I am not sure why, but my Mom went all out. She pulled out every stop. Perhaps it was something she learned from her Mom and Dad, I have no idea, but I do know that Christmas was my time of year. Other than the one Christmas when my Mom thought it would be "funny" to fill her 6 year old daughters stocking with coal, I remember my childhood Christmases being very special.

 Our house would be filled with Christmas music and decorations. Mom was not a cook, so there was little baking or even food for that matter, but there was a spirit in the air. You could feel my Moms joy. I love to tell the story of the Christmas we drove my Mom's Volkswagen Beetle to the Christmas tree lot to buy a tree. We chose the tree and tied it to the car, as we drove home the tree started to slide and as we rounded a curve near our home the tree slid off the roof of the car and was dangling off the passenger's side of the car. With peals of laughter we got the tree home and up the stairs of our apartment only to find that the tree was too tall. We essentially shoved the tree up between the floor and the ceiling. The tree bent over so that the tip of the tree was bent and that is where we hung an ornament since no self respecting angel would be caught on a tree top like that.

 I have worked hard through the years to bring the same joy and fun to Christmas for my own children. In recent years I have lost the magical spirit I once had. Some of this could be due to the horrific last two years, where I lost my Mom and then all of the stress brought on by my Dad's escapades and subsequent death, there is also the fact that my girls are getting older and it is hard to maintain this fever pitched Christmas bar so high. There is no mystery left, no sense of magic, it is lists of wants and lists of food and lists of tasks and they have all brought me to a dark place that I am trying hard to stay out of. I need a little Christmas. Just a little shot of the true meaning and the real old fashioned spirit I remember.

 I hope that today I can complete my list of To Dos and turn it into a TA DA list. I want to be done with the shopping, planning, wrapping and thinking and get down to the part where I am thankful, thoughtful and filled with joy. I am ready to focus on the reason for the season and not the tasks. Perhaps by changing my focus the magic I remember will come back. I made an effort yesterday to keep a smile on my face as I grocery shopped. My hope was that perhaps a smile in the right direction would bring a smile back to me. My plan worked, people would smile as I caught there eye and I would walk away feeling like I had just touched someone's life, or maybe even changed their day. I am going out for one last round of "Gotta gets" today and I think I will keep up the smiling. If nothing else it will give people something to talk about at Christmas dinner. Christmas dinner tables all over town will be talking about the crazy lady that was roaming the stores with a stupid grin on her face, just a little something that everyone can laugh about as they pass the cheesy potatoes.

You’re a Mean One Mrs Grinch

If I could have physically accomplished it yesterday, I would have spit nails. My husband called me to discuss some plans he wanted to make over Christmas and when I said A. Why did you wait until the last minute? B. This is why I asked you to make these plans earlier, so that it would work for everyone and not be crammed into an already packed holiday schedule. My husband's response was "I did not call you for a lecture!"

 I am not sure about you, but for me "them's fighten words"! Excuse me? You procrastinate to the point of embarrassment and then balk at the fall out? I actually called my husband back (OK, I did make the immature decision to hang up on him) and tell him that, "I really do not care if you called for a lecture or not, when your inability to make a plan affects me, I am going to speak up!" The holidays are a combo back of delight and stress; I do not need any help from my home team to make it more stressful!

 After that event with Mr. Crabby Cringle, I ended up having a huge verbal tussle with my youngest daughter who had made frosting for our sugar cookies. When I asked her why it was still in the mixing bowl and not in a Tupperware container she replied "You did not tell me to do that, you just said to make the frosting". I decided not to slam my head against the counter in frustration; instead I explained that at fourteen, I think she is old enough to figure out that you do not leave frosting in a bowl on a counter. Here I was faced with another family member unable to make a decision on their own.

 What have I created here? Not only is my family unable to make decisions and plan, they also are not able to take responsibility for their actions. It is enough to put me off Christmas entirely! The one saving grace is that I love Christmas, the music, the shopping for special gifts and the time with family and friends. My family is working hard to make me the Grinch, but if I plug in my Christmas tree and turn on some Christmas music I just might be able to bring myself back from the dark side. Cross your fingers and hang some mistletoe that my plan works, because it is crunch time and there is no room for a bad attitude. I will just have to keep my nail spitting shut off and work through these issues with my Crabby Cringle and his trusty sidekick Christmas Crabatha. Sorry folks, but Mrs Grinch is on the move…step aside!

Remembering Time of Year

Memories are a funny thing, they can drag you d0wn memory lane kicking and screaming or they can fill your heart so full you think it might burst. Yesterday, Avery and I made a memory together as we stood in the kitchen making our favorite sugar cookie recipe. Avery told me that it just wasn't Christmas without them, so we set out to make them. We laughed and talked and made a memory. It was nice to pass on this recipe to her, and share her excitement in baking the cookies. Someday this cookie recipe will be a story for her family and maybe even her family's family. Life goes on.

 My heart is tender right now as I remember the year my Dad made my daughter Ashleigh a beautiful twin size bed. He worked long hours in his wood shop working his magic and building a beautiful "down bed" for Ashleigh. You see when I bought my first home (my mobile home) it had a loft bed built into Ashleigh's bedroom. As Ashleigh got older she began wanting a "down bed", something that was on the floor and not in the air, something more like what her friends had. My Dad decided to make her dream come true. I was opposed at first, I was young (stupid) and bullheaded and I felt like my Dad was pushing me to do something his way. As time went on though, I knew that his hard work was a labor of love for Ashleigh. The day my Dad brought the bed, Ashleigh was so excited and happy. I have stored that Memory away.

Along with the bed, my Dad built a small table for Ashleigh to keep by her bed. Recently I have had this table in our family room, using it as a side table to my sofa and chair. As Mark and I have been making small changes in our family room, I had started to notice that the table stood out, it is the wrong color wood. When I mentioned this to Mark yesterday he suggested that we stain it a different color. For some reason this has upset me. I feel like if we change the color I will be dishonoring my Dad's memory and hard work. I am suddenly missing my Dad.
 My sister mentioned the other day how hard it will be on Christmas Eve. Every year my Dad would Federal Express packages to all of us with Christmas cards and gift cards in them. Even though his life was full with his company and my Mom, he remembered each and every one of us and our children. It was a tradition that we all laughed at, but we will miss.

 We learn each day in small ways how to move forward. We toss out a worn out loved pair of socks, or eat the very last treasured Christmas cookie, or we contemplate making changes in our lives and traditions. The world keeps going; our alarm clock still goes off and as my Dad use to say, "You just keep picking 'em up and putting 'em down". It is a remembering time of year, you make memories, you change memories and you remember, it's just not Christmas without that.

There’s No Place Like Home

To quote Dorothy in The Wizard of OZ, "There's no place like home". We arrived home yesterday at 3:00 PM. Knowing that this was outpatient surgery, I assumed they would send Aly home, but I was worried about getting her into the car and worried about how much pain she was in and worried about getting her into the house. OK, I will admit it I was worried. The thing is although Aly was in pain she remained calm. She would tell us when she hurt and where it hurt, but over all she was very brave.

Considering her surgery was on her tail bone, I knew that moving her legs and walking would be very painful, along with sitting or bending of any kind. I was worried about getting her into the car and then into the house. While these difficult tasks, she sucked it up and did it. Each thing she tried to do was hard, but as the night went on she began to relax and I believe that her relaxing helped diminish the pain. Aly is in good spirits, which will also help with her recovery. On Monday after noon we will go into the doctor's office and they will remove the small pump they inserted into the wound to drain the fluids off. This pump collects the fluids, and then Mark or I must empty it. It is not a fun job, but if it will help her heal, we are happy to do it.

All in all, I am happy to have the surgery "behind us" ( tee he, sorry). We are all excited and hopeful for a steady recovery. Aly is hoping to try out for a part in her schools spring musical, I think if this morning is an example of her healing, she will have no problem at all. She is happy and moving much better today. All signs of a good recovery. Maybe this trend towards doing surgery and then sending people home really is a good idea after all. Aly seems much more comfortable here and I like that we can care for her and love her up! Most of all we are all so glad to just be home.

The Waiting Game Part 2

Here we sit waiting. We arrived at the hospital at 8:30, the time the hospital had asked us to be here. We were told that our doctor had an emergency and that we would be waiting for a while. All I could think of at the time was to act like it was no big deal so that Aly would not get freaked out. I of course was freaking out inside. I just wanted my little girl to get into the operating room so that we can get on with the healing.

It is now 11:21 AM. Aly was just wheeled into the operating room. My heart went in with her. There is no hug that would be enough for her right now. She was very brave and only seemed nervous when they put in her IV. That's when she shed a few tears. Other than that she played on my DS and chatted with Mark and me. She did share with us that the flavors of Campbell's soup and Progresso soup are no longer "acceptable". Good to know, I guess I will not stock up on those. She tells us that they are not salty enough. Whatever! Just hurry up and get better and I will bring you some Ramen noodles. That should get the salt factor up a notch or two!

So now we wait some more, an hour or so for the surgery and then another hour in recovery before we can see her. Than I can take my little girl home and get her on the path to healing. I will be glad when this part is over. Right now we will wait some more, we are getting very good at waiting. The upside is that Aly is finally in the operating room and on her way to being healed, that is well worth all the waiting.

The Waiting Game

Christmas concert 2010
Aly and Avery did a fabulous duet!

Today is part one of the waiting game. This morning I waited for my girls to get ready so I could drive them to school. I just wanted to give them a little extra time this morning. They were up a little later because they had a choir concert last night and I thought it would be nice for them to have a slower paced morning. Then I waited for the washer repairman to arrive so that I can finally wash my clothes without the washer rinsing, gyrating and spinning all at the same time. Now I am waiting for the hospital to call.

 Tomorrow is the long awaited surgery that Aly is having for her Perinadol cyst. We are all anxious. The call from the hospital will tell us what time the surgery will be which will subsequently help us make a plan for tomorrow. I do not like this loose end dangling out there. I just want this call so that we can stop waiting and wondering. Trying to keep Aly from the deep end about her surgery has been somewhat difficult. Originally her week was jam packed with school and studying for tests and homework which would have kept her mind off of the impending event, but with two snow days packed mostly with laying around and watching America's Next Top Model, she has had too much time to think and wonder. On Tuesday I took Aly in to have some pre surgery testing done. All they did was draw her blood, which she has only had done one other time. She did ok, but she kept pointing out that the site of the blood draw with stinging and the skin hurt where she had removed the band aid. This prompted me to be concerned about her pain threshold. If her pain threshold is that low I will need some medication after the surgery too. I am thinking something to keep me calm and less sarcastic about pain. Remember, I have had three children without any pain meds, so I am the least likely to be understanding.

 OK, I know that after the surgery I will be a giant marshmallow for my little girl and I will most likely be falling all over myself to make sure she is comfortable, but I want to start the bar high and we will go from there. Mean while I continue to wait for the call. I have some running around to do, so maybe I will get that out of the way. You know how when you are out to eat and you decide to go to the restroom and then your food comes? That is the principal I am thinking of. So with that, I am taking my two broken toes (let's talk pain shall we?) and hit the road in hopes of receiving the much desired phone call. Tomorrow I will be coming to you from the "waiting" room at the hospital. Hey, just a little writing to help pass the time during the waiting game.

Kick It Into Gear

Alright, I have had my fun. I have sat on my butt and done nothing for too long, it is time to kick it into gear. I am like old Mother Hubbard, I have no food in my cupboard and my children are crying. I have gifts to wrap and still more to purchase. There has not been a decent meal prepared in this house for at least a week and no real "sit at the table and talk meal" with my family in a good couple of weeks. We are falling apart at the seams. To make matters worse, I plowed into a door yesterday and jammed the two smallest toes on my right foot. Both toes are now purple and puffy and very sore.

On a good day lately my meal prep inspiration is lacking add to that my inability to stand or walk for too long and "Houston we have a problem. On the upside, I do not need to keep an ice pack on my tootsies because it is so blooming cold outside that my feet are already freezing cold. I want to get back on track with my food prep, but things like tonight for example keep holding me back. Tonight, Avery has play practice after school until 3:30 PM, then she will come home eat something and head back to school with Aly by 4:30 PM to prepare for tonight choir concert. This will not be a family meal night. There is a chance that since we have had two snow days they may have to cancel the concert. If that is the case then I need to be prepared with a back up meal plan.

I am not sure where my maternal meal skills have gone, but this has been an ongoing problem and I am becoming concerned. Even my list making and planning skills have taken a nose dive. I am starting to worry. What was once an organized, meal making domestic goddess is now a purple toed unprepared mess. On top of that I have not even looked at my dream board in weeks. No dreams, no plans, no lists and no meals. I am a mess. I declare today my get my act together day. I am determined to get back on track, I think I will hobble to my room and get ready to work out (if I can get my work out shoes on) and get a fire burning inside of me. Maybe some exercise will do the trick. I can only hope, at this point I will do whatever it takes to kick it into gear.

Snow Daze

 

Here I sit stoking a fire, with the TV on and my girls flanking me on either side covered in blankets. We are in day two of our school districts snow days. It is cold and slippery outside and warm and toasty inside. This has sent my Christmas preparation into a tail spin. How do you wrap and shop when your children are standing by watching your every move?

Although my girls are in their teens, I still love the element of surprise on Christmas morning. Having them lurking about as I try to complete the final phases of my holiday prep is cramping my style. This twist of fate has also made me a bit lazy. I am still sitting in my robe with my feet up at 10:00 AM in the morning. I have cookies to bake, gifts to wrap and shopping to finish and yet here I sit like a lump. I am in a snow daze. It is a symptom of a snow day and it is quite common. It sends the most dedicated person with tasks abounding into their robe and slippers. Suddenly my agenda means nothing. HELP!!

I would continue to write but I am busy watching America's Next Top Model with my girls, just a little judgment to get the day off to a winning start. Not a proud moment for me, but it is warm and toasty here, cold and slippery out there and my kids are still nearby watching my every move. I guess I will just relax and enjoy my snow daze.

The Whirlwind Day

We packed up our suitcases Friday night filled with excitement. We were heading to Ashleigh's for the weekend and our plan was to use her house as our satellite as we headed to Kalamazoo on Saturday for the show Wicked. Wicked is a fabulous show that is basically a prequel to the Wizard of Oz written by Stephen Schwartz. The show is an adaption of the book Wicked by Gregory Maguire.

 Our Saturday morning was busy with each of us dressing in our nicest clothes. As a side note, despite the current trend toward casual wear everywhere, I continue to teach my girls to put their best foot forward for important occasions. I feel like a little shine in your dress helps you feel the specialness of the occasion, once dressed we headed out the door for the two hour drive to the show in Kalamazoo. The excitement built as we arrived at the venue and crammed into the lobby with the rest of the excited theater patrons. I am not one to enjoy crowds and apparently I have passed this issue on to Aly. She was very uncomfortable and she was spitting sparks every so often as we waited sandwiched into a corner of the lobby. I used all the strength I could muster not to take her down and ruin the day. Once we were seated we all settled down and prepared to see the show. All I can say is, the show was absolutely worth all of the driving and aggravation, it was AWESOME!

 After we left the show two and ½ hours later, we came out to discover pouring rain. We still had an hour and a half drive to meet Ashleigh and Scott for dinner and the weather was putting us on edge. As we drove we talked about how the weather forecasters were calling for a snow storm to hit over night. Once we got to the restaurant where Ashleigh and Scott were waiting for us, all of our worries disappeared and we talked and laughed as a family as we enjoyed our time together. Heading back to Ashleigh and Scott's house after dinner we were pelted by more rain which was now mixing with snow. We decided to check the weather report when we got back to their house. Once back at their house, Mark and I could not decide what to do. We had been looking forward to spending some time with my daughter and son-in-law. Our time with them is limited these days since they are both working in West Virginia, if we left we would chop off our visit at the knee. As Mark and I sat vacillating back and forth about what to do, Mark stepped up and said "Let's go". It was now 11:00 PM. By 11:30 we were packed and on the road home with two girls, two dogs and two very anxious parents. We made it through the rain and snow mix and arrived home at about 1:45 AM. When we awoke later in the morning we were happy with our decision as we watched the snow coming down and blowing like crazy. I am not a good bad weather passenger and I was certain as I looked outside at the weather that by coming home earlier then we had planned we had saved our marriage.

 It was one heck of a long day that centered on an amazing show that we will never ever forget. The other stuff, like the crowds and the weather will not matter. It was well worth the whirlwind day.

 

Shopping

Thursday night I fed Avery dinner and whisked her out of the house. My plan was to exchange a dress I had bought for her with another in her size and maybe ramble around a nearby outdoor mall. When we arrived at the department store where I had purchased the dress we immediately started scouring the racks for the dress in the correct size. Once we realized that there was no dress in Avery's size we switched gears and started searching for an alternative. This is when my plan for some shopping fun with my youngest daughter started to fall apart. Avery is not a shopper. If I catch her on the right day, I can get a good couple hours of shopping out of her, but the searching and trying on of clothing is just not her thing.


Personally it is one of my favorite things, so the fact that she finds shopping "annoying and boring" disturbs me. I had her interested at the beginning of our outing because I had bought the dress for her in hopes that she would wear it when we go to see the show Wicked today. That's what I normally do, I go shopping and bring home items for her and place them at her teenage alter for her approval. If she does not deem it worthy it is relegated back to the bag and returned to the store. She was thrilled with the dress when I brought it home, but her delight soon turned to despair when she realized, the dress was not going to fit. I must admit I was extremely disappointed too. This meant we would be performing our sullen teenage shopper and dopey mother routine for shoppers and retail workers once again. What a performance it was too.
 We started at the original purchase location combing the racks for the dress or anything that would come close to the original. Avery was trying on item after item and getting feistier and feistier. When I could see that we were going down in flames, I recommended a change of venue. Perhaps a different store would swing us towards success? Sadly that was not going to happen, we spent the better part of two and a half hours spitting at each other like cats in an alley fight. The final straw for me was when Avery was staring back at me from a dressing room doorway with a too short skirt on telling me she loved it. "Really, this you love? Avery, there is no way I can take that skirt home and tell Dad that this is what you are going to wear to the show" Her reply was, "Why do you ALWAYS hate what I pick out?" I explained that because of her long legs some skirts that would be a normal length on most girls, turns into a loin cloth on her. She was not buying it; she was certain that our whole outing was to aggravate the snot out of her and was part of a bigger plan to prove that I am a superior being. 'Whatever Avery, let's go home", I said as I stomped by all the smirking salesgirls.

 As we made our way to the car I had to mention that her teenitude was not necessary. "Shopping is like hunting, you have your good days and your bad days, it is all about getting out there". Slowly, her heart started to turn and she quieted down. In hopes of changing the subject, I asked her if she had thought about what she might like to major in when she goes to college. She said she didn't know yet and we talked about all the gifts and talents she has. That's when she asked me "Mom do you wish you had gone to college?" I said I did, but that I did not have anyone cheering me on at that point in my life and so with no guidance I just floundered. "What do you think that you would want to be Mom?" "You know what Avery? I think being a Mom is what I was meant to be. I love taking care of all of you and being there for you when you need me. I could not have ever dreamed this life up; it is too good to be true." With one swoosh of my Mom wand, we left the shopping nightmare behind us and headed home.

The First Snow

A pretty snowy creek 2009

The light flakes are feathering through the sky. Every so often the light catches one of the flakes and it becomes as bright as a star as it travels down to the ground. Pretty little falling snow stars. It is beautiful.

 Ever since Mark has been on the road for work, my two girls that are here at home have been enjoying the use of a car to get back and forth to school. Each morning the pace is slower as they prepare for the day. There is no need for the usual mad dash as they look at the clock and realize that "the bus will be here any minute". They are enjoying the sense of freedom that a car brings to a teenagers life.

 Now let's combine these two natural events, snow and a teenage driver. Not any teenage driver mind you, my daughter and not just any snow, but light slippery snow. My first thought this morning was that I would drive the girls to school. Aly has an appointment after school and Avery has play practice, but it will all work out. I will just get them to school and work out the details later. I would rather be safe than sorry, right? That's how we mom's roll, we do what we have to do to keep our kids safe. There was one glitch. Aly told me she would be fine driving to school in the snow. Now what is this "good" mom suppose to do? If I let her drive and there is an accident, I will carry that guilt with me forever, but if I do not let her drive, I run the risk of making her a fearful foul weather driver. The decision from there was easy…I let her drive to school.

 There will be many more moments in my daughter's life where confidence and self assurance will be required. If I show her now that I do not believe in her even though she believes in herself I would be sending the wrong message. If I do not allow her to drive the short distance to school slowly and carefully today, I might be driving her to college or work another day because she is fearful of the weather. That would not be fun for either of us. It was hard to let her go, but I reminded her to drive a little slower and break a little sooner. After that I acted like it was any other fair weather morning other than asking them to let me know when they got to school as they went out the door. That message came a few minutes later and I was then able to quiet my pounding heart.

 Today was just another example of the tight rope we parents walk with our children. It is unbelievable the time and planning that goes into executing a parenting moment. You just climb up on the rope stretch out your arms for balance and hope upon hope that you get across the teen abyss without too much damage to you or your child. I should caution you though…you should go slowly and break early.

Single Mother



Christmas 2009 when my kids
were still afraid of me.

 I am a single mother for the second week in a row. Mark has been traveling for work and I have been here keeping the home fires burning. I understand that he has to travel, and I understand that we are lucky he is working in this economy, but being here alone with two teenage girls and no sanity back up is a challenge. Here alone with my girls I have grown to love them more and at the same time love my husband more too.

 My girls are busy, vibrant, moody, messy and complex. They are also quick to point out what is fair and not fair and whose turn it is to do any chore that comes up. When Mark is here I can let my guard down a little. I can let some of the day to day nonsense of teenage girls pass, because Mark is here to catch some of the stuff that filters through. With Mark out of town, I am without my wing man and it puts me right on the front line with no foreseeable break. Here I am with no real idea of how to raise these kids, winging it and no one to ask, "What now?" There have been several instances in the last two weeks where I made a parenting judgment call that seemed like someone jumping in for their first swim. I just took a big gulp of air and leaped. It has not been pretty.

Last night my youngest Avery and I got into a verbal tussle over the chore of feeding and taking out our dogs. Aly was not home and I was trying to get some type of dinner prepared and I asked for some back up with feeding and taking out the dogs. "I did it last night" was Avery's response. I bit my tongue, took out the dogs and then asked her to feed them so I could work on dinner. By now I was steaming and mentioned to my daughter that I do things all of the time that "are not my job". I also told her that I am not a huge fan of doing everything and that I could use some help. At this point she said to me, "Mom, you do not need to get this angry, you should have just told me to take the dogs out from the beginning instead of holding it all inside and getting this mad at me".

 Look, I have come at parenting from every angle known to moms and I am still never sure how any turn of events will work out. All I know is I am doing the best I can, and when my fourteen year old daughter is giving me mental health advice based on my frustration with her, I am ready to throw in the towel. I have another week of this foolishness, since Mark is traveling for a few days next week too. I know I can do it since I was a single mom for eight years before I married Mark. It is just that I like having some back up with the rebels without a cause and also with some of the household tasks. I also like having someone here to hold me and love me and then get these kids of mine to help out. It is not pleasant having to be the no fun parent all of the time.

 The upside to being here alone with my girls is that I have had more time to talk to them and laugh with them. I am enjoying them in spite of my frustrations. Soon, Mark will be home and I will be back on the parenting relay team once again. I will have my family whole. I am looking forward to sharing the challenges of two teen girls with teenitudes with Mark once again.

What’s Next?

This seemed cute at the time,
but I think the colonists had the right idea!

It was bound to happen. Even with the plan in place that you have to be 16 to date, I held out hope that it would be a little longer before that wall would tumble down. On Saturday night I was informed that the wall had toppled, one of Aly's classmates who had been making random text contact with her here and there came to her and asked to "go out" with her. When Aly (who turned 16 in July) was telling me this, I listened calmly and asked "So when are you going to go out?

 "Moooommmm they are not going OUT, they are GOING OUT!" Avery said. "Oh", I replied finally getting the subtle difference. The kid, does not want to come and take my daughter anywhere, he wants to be her one and only date for a long time. This is what was once called, "going steady" back in the day. Just for the record, I hate the phrase back in the day it reminds me of when kids say "in the olden days". It just makes me feel old and I do not like that AT all. Anyway, let me focus here. I was happy for Aly, she had shown an interest in this guy for a while and I was happy that he had finally manned up and made his move. However, this means we are in some new territory and we have to set some ground rules.
When she asked if she could do a little shopping with him last night, I thought why not no biggie. I was going to be out with a friend for a little while, but this was their first official time out together and they were just going a mile from the house, what can it hurt? So, off I went cautioning Aly that he was not allowed in the house while I was gone. When my friend was dropping me off back at home, I saw the new boyfriend's truck running in my driveway and asked my ride to just drop me at the end of the drive. I ran and got my mail and headed into my house. I waited and waited and waited some more and there was no sign of Aly, so I decided I would call her cell phone to let her know that time was up, but she did not answer. Avery mean while was delighting in the fact that I was going to embarrass Aly, which honestly was not my goal, I just did not think having their date in his truck in my driveway was good form. I told Avery, "I am going to wait 5 minutes and then I am going to open the garage door and go out there!" Now Avery was even more hysterical with laughter at my attempt at parenting this situation. She honestly did not think I would do it. Fortunately, Aly came in at that point and I never had to flex those mommy muscles. I did however gently mention that I did not want any "Heavy Petting going on" which sent the girls into a fit of laughter. Apparently, I once again had slipped on my granny pants and used an out dated phrase. At that point I decided to pack up and regroup before having this important discussion again.

 I do not know what will happen next with them "going out", but I do know that I am going to have very educated daughters who understand how important they are. They need to know that they are in charge of their bodies and that they can take their time as they step into a relationship. They already know my motto "Men are just dessert". I tell them all of the time that they have to be who they want to be and then add the man. They cannot let the man be the main course and lose themselves in his life and his goals and his dreams that is a recipe for disaster for everyone. Mark and I try to model to the girls a relationship that empowers both of us, but I think they might still be too young to get it, so I will have some interesting car topics with my young ladies in the weeks to come. I figure if I talk with both of them now, I just may circumvent this situation in a year and a half when Avery turns sixteen. Oh, Lord what's next?

All I Want For Christmas

There is nothing special I want for Christmas. I look through the ads and see thousands of things and nothing seems that important. Of course there are things that would be nice, (I have mentioned to Mark that a new robe would be nice, the one I have now is a burnt orange color and I bought it on clearance several years ago for $7.00) but I do not need anything. I have it in my heart this year to give.

 

The more I think about giving, the more places and people I think of giving to. I feel like my life has been so wonderful that I just want to give back. I am madly in love with my husband. After 18 years of marriage he still makes me laugh out loud. I am totally in love with my children, I have three wonderful girls and now thanks to my oldest getting married almost three years ago, I also have a wonderful son-in-law too. My life is full of friends who I enjoy spending time with and who love and support me even when I am not that easy to support.

Mark tells me Christmas is not about need, he says that this is your chance to ask for something that is your heart's desire and someone may give it to you. My trouble with that is looking back, I remember the times when I had very little. I was a single Mom and I was buying my daughter her Christmas presents at the dollar store. I think of that and I realize that her face on Christmas morning was just as happy as if I had given her the latest and greatest gifts. Perhaps Christmas is more about perspective. Maybe if we look at the giving as our gift to ourselves instead of the receiving it would change the holiday.

1985 Giving Christmas to
Ashleigh brought me joy!

Ashleigh delighted with her
little doll and plastic wagon

 

My Christmas will be wonderful regardless if I get my robe or not. While my list of needs is empty there are others that have a full list of needs. I am going to attempt to give to them. I have been keeping a list for a few months of people that I would like to help and my chance is here. It will not be much, but I know from the days of having nothing that it does not take much to make a difference. This year, all I want for Christmas is time with my family sharing our traditions and to give to as many as I can. Those two things will make this the best Christmas ever.

Looking Forward

This weekend I felt the freedom of peaceful happiness. The stress and sadness of the past two years was blissfully gone. I realized as Mark and I prepared for the progressive dinner that my heart was lighter. I was laughing and joking and just plain giddy. When we arrived at the first house for appetizers, I was eager to jump out of the car and get the evening started. I was happy again and it felt good.

It has been a long time since I have felt like this. At first I did not recognize what it was. It really hit me as we arrived at the second house for salad, I was full of energy and skipping and running to the house. As we left there later to head home to prepare for our guests to come to our house for the main course, I turned to Mark and said "I am so happy, it feels good to be happy for a change". I have no idea what has flipped this switch, but it is in the on position now and I am thrilled. I am looking forward to the holidays like I use to and it feels good. There is no magic elixir to help grief and sadness to disappear. It is just the hard work of waking up and putting one foot in front of the other. Pretending everything is normal until it is normal. You are just hoping and praying that in time life will feel good again.

 This morning I am seated next to the table that holds my Mom's box of ashes. It occurs to me that it is time to start the preparation to release these ashes. I am certain that I will not release them in winter. My Mom hated cold weather and I would not want her haunting me over the choice to fling her into the snow, but maybe this year on Mother's Day I will be ready to sprinkle her in my garden. The yoke of sadness is lifting and I see that I am walking with a lighter step. It is time to let my Mom rest in peace. Of course all this is speculation until it really happens, but if this past weekend is any indication, I would say it is looking a lot like I am moving forward.

Following the Rules

The other day as I visited with my Aunt Nina, I shared with her the details of our Thanksgiving dinner. I told her what I made for dinner and how I made it. I also described my table setting and shared how I was low on candles, so I only put one candle on the table. To this detail my Aunt replied, "What time did you eat?" "We ate at about 3:00 PM" I responded. My Aunt quickly rebuffed me with "You should not have candles on the table before 5:00 PM" I just stared at her. "What do you mean?"I asked her. Aunt Nina just repeated her comment again, "You are not suppose to have candles on your table before 5:00 PM". All I could say at that point was "I like candles on the table, I don't care what time it is!"

 First of all, where did that rule come from? Who has that much time on their hands to sit around making declarations about when people can light candles? Second of all, why would you care about what some obscure person that will never see your table thinks about candles before 5:00 PM? This had to be some etiquette rule from 70 or 80 years ago, because when I Goggled Candles on table before five, nothing came up on the web except a bunch of decorating tips.

 I will be honest; when Auntie first mentioned this tidbit I was very concerned that I had broken a rule. I am a rule follower. If a sign says "Do Not Enter" then I don't. If there is a directive about right and wrong, I am the first to get the details and get on it. But this new twist of the rules got me thinking… who cares? As long as I am not breaking the law or hurting anyone, why does it matter? I am all for making sure that guidelines are followed for the betterment of mankind, but perhaps some of life's rules are just not necessary. Why do I have to have my purse match my coat or shoes or belt? Why can't I wear dressy boots to a wedding?

 Maybe it is my age, but I find myself thinking "BAH" too many of the rules I am faced with anymore. I really am not worried about "getting in trouble" or "causing a commotion" I am just making my way through this life and trying to enjoy myself. As a matter of fact as I write this today, I am looking up every so often to gaze at the candle that is lit across the room. I am not going to recommend that rules be completely abandoned, but I am all for thinking them through a little more.

 Here are just a few of the items that I came across on the world wide web that require rules:
Rules of the internet
Rules of soccer
Rules of dating
Rules of attraction
Rules of exponents
Rule of law
That is just a small sample of life's rules. I suppose in the big picture rules are an important part of our everyday life. I have to wonder though if some of us take the rules too far. Here is the thing, it all seems very important right now, but at some point the only thing that matters is if I have been a good person and if I have followed The Golden Rules. Other than that a random candle on my Thanksgiving table really means nothing. I think I will still be able to sleep nights.

Love Is In the Details

Years ago, I heard a quote from Oprah that has stuck with me. She said "Love is in the details". I see that in my life. The tiniest detail can change everything. This morning it was me preparing a cup of tea for Aly and a cup of cocoa for my sugar monger Avery. It was a simple gesture, but a heartfelt mommy moment, to show the girls I love them without getting to mushy.

You see, they are leaving this morning to head up to a state University for a Thespian Competition with their theatre group from the high school. They are both singing in a group piece and then they are performing a duet together at this competition and they are very excited. Not excited enough however to allow me to come with them. When I asked this year (as I have in the past two) "Do you want Mom and Dad to come?" The immediate response from Aly was "No". They are growing up and starting to enjoy their autonomy. The fact that they can head out and do their own thing and not have the parental ball and chain is very exciting for them, and I welcome it. I will never stop asking if they want me there, because that is a detail. The fact that I am asking lets them know that I love them and want to be there if they need me.
 When Mark and I were out of town a couple of weeks ago (has it been that long?), I had cautioned Mark about calling the girls every day. I explained to him that I wanted the girls to feel independent and know that they can call if they need us, we did not need to check up on them every single day. He thought that I was being a little harsh, but my thought was that in less than two years Aly will be leaving for college and she will need to know how to make it through the day under her own steam. If we are calling everyday and constantly checking up on her we are giving her the message we do not think she can handle taking care of herself. Mark was not fully on board with this thought, and I caught him sneaking a phone call home to check on things. The best part is that when he left on his business trip on Monday morning, he told me he would not be calling me every day because he wanted me to try to make it on my own. Have I mentioned in the past that I married him for his sense of humor?

 Details are tricky. Too many details can make anything overwhelming. It has to be just the right amount of details, at just the right time. There is no perfect measurement for details, you just have to guess. No matter what though when done in the right spirit with your heart wide open details can make the moment special and memorable. I insisted on a kiss good-bye this morning. My hope is that as my girls jumped out of the car when I dropped them at school this morning, they knew that even if I was not tagging along on their trip, a piece of my heart was. It is a little detail, but in this case, I think it was just enough.

Dash Away, Dash Away, Dash Away All!



These are not Santas little helpers!

 I had thought that my week would stretch out in front of me with endless amounts of time. Mark has been gone on his business trip since Monday morning and in my mind the week was going to be easy going. I would accomplish a huge amount of things and relax and enjoy myself too. Well, that has not happened. I hit the ground running on Monday morning and I am still running this morning.

 What happens to time? Where does it go? You start out with this clean slate and end up with a full schedule that runs into the next day, and all you can think is AGGGHHH! My head is spinning with all the things I have left to accomplish this week. On Saturday we are having our 5^th annual progressive dinner with 3 other couples that are good friends of ours. I have been trying all week to do my normal weekly projects while I also add in little touches for the dinner. Somewhere along the way I thought it would be a great idea to buy a new shower curtain. I was pretty much over the theme I had going in my bathroom and wanted to update the look. All I can say at this point is "I could not have picked a worse time to start this project". What I thought would be a quick change of a shower curtain has turned into me wanting to paint my cabinets and by new do dads for my walls and counters. Why oh why could I not wait to do this until after Christmas?

 Now I am running to the various stores looking for just the right blinds and counter décor on top of my already busy schedule. This includes grocery shopping, cleaning, caring for my family, cooking, laundry, Christmas shopping and writing. I find myself fantasizing about how Santa, who gets all around the world in 24 hours. If I could just learn his secret, maybe I would be able to get everything done. I know I am not alone. There is something about having company that makes a woman want to perk up her décor and buy new sheets and towels. I suppose I should confess, I did buy new hand towels, but I talked myself out of buying new bath towels until next pay day. I know you are amazed at my restraint!

 My energy this morning is spinning out of control. I feel like one of those drag racers that spin its wheels just before it takes off. If I had a sleigh today it would have dragster wheels on it so that when I landed I could still keep moving forward. My dogs are not up for pulling my sleigh; they just look at me as I yell "Dash away, dash away, dash away all!" My best shot is to just get moving and what is done will have to be enough. As long as we have a good meal, my friends will be happy. I am also pretty sure they have seen my bathroom enough times to be understanding while I am in transition.

 

I have no time to waste, I must make haste

Get on the road, it is time to go

If I start to slow, someone let me know

I have people to see and places to go.

HO HO HO Merry Christmas!

Who Let The Dogs Out?

I went nonstop all day yesterday. I washed load after load of laundry, swept and mopped the basement, cleaned the cat litter box, got the trash together, paid some bills, took the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and then scrubbed out the dishwasher. I then vacuumed the whole house showered and prepared to go the first meeting in another series of A Beautiful Me workshops as a mentor.

As I prepared to leave for the workshop, I left the girls a note, since we would be passing each other on the road. I asked them to take their trash out of their rooms and get it out to the trash can since it was trash night. I also asked them to put away their laundry, eat the dinner I had left in the refrigerator and feed the dogs and take them out. They got as far as eating their dinner and putting some (not all) of their laundry away. I came home to find that one child was doing homework and the other was…well, honestly…doing nothing. I was ticked, especially since the dogs were staring at me with their legs crossed. The girls had fed them, but they had not taken them out when they got home from school and they did not take them out after they had fed them. This explained the potty stop one of the dogs had made in my room which I discovered as I walked through my room in my stocking feet. That prompted me to yell out "GIRLS!"

My discussion with them (OK, I was yelling) at that point was asking them how they would like it if I did not let them go to the bathroom when they got home from school, or first thing in the morning. Perhaps they would like it if I forgot to make dinner or pick them up from something. It is not pleasant when someone you are counting on lets you down and dogs sense this just as much as humans. Besides that, it is not pleasant when you are minding your own business and you step in dog potty.

I do not ask for much from my girls. They really do live a great life here, so when I leave a detailed list of things to do and I specifically ask them to take the dogs out, that is what I think will happen. I have been Miss Nice Guy too long and last night was the final straw. It will now be my habit to constantly nag them and check on them about the dogs. My plan is to be very annoying about it. I figure I will be annoying long enough to get them to say something like geez Mom we get it. Then I can lay off the nagging for a couple months until they forget again.