Saturday, April 30, 2011

Blah Blah Blah

So after all my pontificating about making it through the rough stuff, I have come face to face with a batch (rough stuff) of my own. You know it is always easier to share your wisdom and insight then it is to actually use it. So faced with choices and decisions of my own, I am frozen with worry and wonder. So let me list out my questions…

  1. What is the best choice to make?
  2. Who do I help and who do I hurt by the choice?
  3. Is this decision for mine or someone else's sake?

You never know when you set out on a path of choices where the path will lead, but you do know that at the end there is change, sometimes it is for good and other times…well, that's another batch of rough stuff. That is where the anxiety builds during decision making; is this the right decision or the wrong one? I should probably add that question to my list above. Regardless, now I find myself looking back over all my pontificating about how to handle these situations and all I can think is what a puffed up, self righteous buffoon I am. I am certain that at some point when I have been rambling on about how to handle this stuff it started to sound like blah, blah, blah!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Finding Happiness



First kiss as newlyweds
Photo borrowed from CNN website

A friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning that she was boycotting watching the Royal Wedding because of all the tragedies in the world. This comment bothered me. Life is short and joy can be fleeting I feel any opportunity to see and experience happiness should be embraced.

 
I do understand her point though, when you have seen war and natural disaster pillaging lives, you cannot imagine skipping through those moments singing. The flip side of that though is the moment that joy breaks through. I remember the first time I laughed after my Mom died; someone had shared a funny comment about my Mom, and my heart popped open and welcomed the laugh that bubbled up.

 
I find myself drawn to the Royal Wedding because of the joy that is evident for everyone in England. I also find myself watching Catherine and William with hope and anticipation. They seem so happy and their happiness is bringing happiness to others. By choosing not to share in their joy and happiness you do not decrease it for them. You do however miss the opportunity to smile and share that smile with someone else.

 
The memory of the first laugh after my Mom passed away continues to spur me towards finding happiness. As I always tell my children, "never miss the opportunity to celebrate yourself and life". Today my nod towards happiness comes from watching young love in a far off country with a double kiss on the palace balcony to seal their lives together. This joy will not take away from all of the events throughout the world. It may just make it a little easier to get through them though. To me life is about making your way through the rough stuff and finding happiness where ever you can.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Staying Positive

As I ran on the treadmill this morning, my IPod started playing "I've got a feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. As I listened to the song I became inspired, I believe it is time to think more positive. This thing with my Aunt Nina has been an emotional drain and if I do not start letting go of this, I am going to be heading to the funny farm.

Right now I have one of two letters I need to get Power of Attorney of my Aunt. The second letter must come from a psychiatrist. This appointment is planned for some time soon. Meanwhile my Aunt is still eating two bites of soup and sips of water. I really think she is attempting starvation. No one else seems to be in a huge hurry to get this situation moving forward, and honestly I am starting to think it is a big scam on my Aunts part.

She is playing possum and we are all falling for it. The question that comes up is, why? Why would someone intentionally act like she is? I have seen her become alert when she has a question or if something is not playing out as she had hoped. The other day I told my Aunt that Mark and I were coming by for the Mothers day Brunch the community she lives in is having this Sunday, her comment was "I want you to come even if I am not well enough to eat". Huh? You are already planning to freak out my kids? Real nice! Aunt Nina was upset yesterday that even though she was not joining in for morning exercise and pretending she was asleep, her favorite caregiver there at the community did not do the exercise class. Now if you are asleep and cannot hear like you keep telling us, how do you know that? My cousin called her the other day and my Aunt hurried to tell her she was losing weight…wasting away. I had to set the record straight with my cousin later. My Aunt is nowhere near the wasting away point.

So, as I ran this morning and I heard the words "I've got a feeling tonight's gonna be a good, good night" I realized that a little positive self talk would go a long way. I need to remind myself that this is just a season and every season has potential. It is what we make of it that counts. Not only is tonight gonna be a good night, I am making today a good day too.

I was going to share the video with you, but after watching the video I decided it was not my cup of tea…so, I will stay positive anyway!


 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

In the Dark of Daylight

This morning as I gather my thoughts, a grey thundering sky is pouring rain outside my window. I need this day, I gave my girls the car to drive to school and I sit here enjoying the sound of the rain pouring and the thunder booming. I need this time, to stretch out my feet and then tuck them under a blanket. I need this quiet, to gather my thoughts and figure out what is next and what to do with now.

Somewhere in the dark of daylight today I hope to regroup just a little. I have some busy days ahead and I want to be more calm and focused. Last night my wonderful husband bought me some bubble bath and encouraged me to climb into the tub with a glass of wine and just relax. It has been a long time since I have enjoyed a long hot bath and the time did me some good. I still cannot sleep as soundly as I would like, but I know that soon I will, because anxiety and stress only last so long. This is the ebb in my life flow and I have decided to breathe through it. Today as the clouds gather and the rain pours I am opening up my soul to possibility. I am throwing all the cards on my life's table and looking them over. Maybe later I will take another bubble bath just to reconnect to the calm and relaxation.

As the rain comes down the sky seems to be lightening up and that is what I am hoping for me too. As the weight of the decisions about my Aunt bear down on me, I hope to see the light of what needs to be done and move ahead. I am ready to move out of the dark of daylight and into the bright sunny sky of knowledge and calm. For now, I am satisfied to just sit and hear the rain and breathe through my stress with my warm afghan that my Mom made for me across my lap.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Eyes Bugged Out!

I am not sure what the technical term for this condition is, but I am so on edge, I think my eyes are about to pop out of my head. They feel like they are literally bugging out of my head. I have also lost the ability to talk in a normal tone of voice. I seem to talk quite loud now with a bit of a strained edge tone. In addition my emotional scanner is on over time looking for any sign that someone is judging me about how I am handling things with my Aunt Nina.

Look, here is the thing…I am doing everything I can do to make some head way with this situation while people that have not been in the trenches with us the last five years stand around giving advice. I have been told to be more patient and understanding. I have been told I should get her to the hospital and have her checked out and I have also been told she is fine and to not worry. There are also the people that have tried to call her and have not been able to reach her because she is refusing to answer her phone, that have told me her phone is not close enough and I should move it. There are more pieces of advice, but for now, let me try to set the record straight on these points.

I have been patient, I have been understanding, but right now I am beside myself with worry and frustration. I do not barge into my Aunts room and act like Attila the Hun, I speak to her kindly and clearly. I have stroked her hair and told her how worried I am and how important she is to us, but now when I visit she closes her eyes and pretends to sleep. This is not conducive to a full understanding between my Aunt and me nor is it easy for others to recognize the effort when they are not even in the room.

I would love to send my Aunt to the hospital and have her checked out, but she screamed bloody murder and shoved her feet into the ground to keep the EMS workers from taking her out to the hospital. Regardless of my letter that states she is emotionally and physically incapacitated, I still want to honor her wishes. I do not know how to take her power away and still have her desire to live. She is already trying to wish her death upon herself and my making her go to the hospital is only going to make her want to live less. This is a fine line I am walking and I am very afraid of falling.

Mark and I have both tried to move her phone closer to her. We have tried offering to put her phone on a chair near her bed and she did not want us to do that, we have tried moving her night stand closer to her bed and she has still not shown any interest in talking on the phone. I cannot force a grown woman to answer her phone and I have tried to encourage her to talk with people to no avail. I am her great niece, not her mother…I already have three children.

I am tossing and turning at night unable to sleep, worrying about what the right thing to do for her is. I wake up with bugged out eyes and a tightness in the back of my neck wondering if today is the day I go off the deep end. I have determined that my life cycle will always include an annual traumatic event since in the last five years we have literally dealt with my cousin Dana dying, which is when Aunt Nina had her heart attack and Mark and I began to care for her. Then I had my hysterectomy due to concerns of Cancer in my future, the following year Mark had Angioplasty because of a 99% blockage. Then the following year Aunt Nina went back in the hospital with more health concerns and ended up in a recovery center. Then My Mom died, and a year later my Dad died. Trauma is my name and bugged out eyes is my game!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Wow, What a Weekend!

Saturday was a very busy day! With a morning full of preparations for our dinner with family and Ashleigh and Scott arriving in the afternoon, church at 3:00 PM and then the actual dinner for 7 adults and 6 children afterward…phew, I was spent!

Yesterday was a little lighter.
I made Easter breakfast for the family, waved good bye to Ashleigh and Scott, and prepared to head out to see Aunt Nina and then dinner with my dear friend Teresa and her family. Aunt Nina, decided once we were there to pretend she was sleeping. After about 20 minutes of watching her closed eyes flutter, Mark and I hit the road. I am beyond frustrated with this situation and really do not know where to go from here with her. On Friday she was visited by a social worker, so I will call her today to see if she has any suggestions on where to go from here.

All in all a good weekend filled with time with family and friends. My girls have today off of school, so I hope to spend some time with them. Maybe a movie, or a little shopping, but something fun that we can do together. I need a short hiatus from the worry of my Aunt. Just a little something to keep me focused on the positive. Honestly, Saturday was no different than any other day here lately, we are constantly on the go, and May does not look like it will be any different, so I guess I will just enjoy each day as it comes. Maybe instead of saying Saturday was a busy day, I should just say, Saturday was another typical day here at our house.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Remain Calm

It is Easter weekend and today is Good Friday. Tomorrow is our Church Easter service and afterword, my sister, Kelie and her family, my good friend Theresa and her son plus Scott and Ashleigh will be coming over for dinner. I am excited but frantic. I have many things to do and not much time to accomplish them all.

I have an Easter egg hunt prepared for my sister's little boys, and a yummy meal that I am working on. I want everyone to come relax and enjoy each other's company, but there is this nagging thing in the back of my brain, I want everything to be perfect. I keep adding more and more to my list of things to accomplish that will make the day even better and it is possible now that I will not be able to complete every detail. There was one who walked among us that was perfect and has the title of greatest man in history. I know I cannot compete with that, yet I always want to pile on myself about how I am not good enough or not doing enough. I am not perfect.

My saving grace was on Tuesday as I described to my sister my frustration with wanting to get everything done for my dinner and having to battle with Aunt Nina and run back and forth to be with her. That is when Kelie said "Ragen we are coming to see you and your family, we are not worried about what you have done or not done." While her words were the truth, I continue to repeat them to myself as I cross things off my list and add more things to it. So today, I will remain calm and slowly make my way through my list and try very hard to not add any more to it. This weekend is about celebrating the rising of Jesus from the tomb, not how much I accomplished before my company came…I will remain calm…I will remain calm

Greatest man in history named Jesus, had no servants, yet they called him Master. Had no degree, yet they called him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called him Healer. He had no army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him... He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. (Borrowed from Facebook)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Petty Pants

I know what you are thinking, "get over the panties will ya!" I assure you this is my last panty reference for this week. The thing is that each one of the references seemed to fit the way I was feeling. When I was a little girl you knew it was a special day when you were wearing your petty pants. They were cute little panties that had lace and ruffles and you wore them under your very special dress. They were somewhat like bloomers, but they were a little shorter in the leg. I always felt so pretty when I was wearing my petty pants, I carried myself as if I was special and important.

Today I have decided that I am going to carry myself that way, special and important. I refuse to feel stressed or beaten down by the drama of the week. I have done all that I can do right now to make it right and I am choosing to let the worry go for now. I have help from many directions. The biggest help of all was some kind words from one of The Newsletter Moms at our lunch get together yesterday. Without even realizing it my friend spoke the words that I needed to hear.

Earlier in the day I had bowed my head and asked for God to help me work through the burden of my Aunts situation and the way she was acting. I had run out of energy and I knew I had been trying to carry this myself and the weight was too much for just me. Not long after I released my weight, the phone rang. Aunt Nina's doctor called and agreed to write the letter I need to be able to handle her care. At that point I decided I would go to lunch with my friends. I had a long list of tasks I needed to take care of, but I felt that I needed some time with my friends to recharge myself.

My friend and I began to chat as everyone at the table began catching up with each other and when she began to speak the tears started to roll down my cheeks. Without even knowing my worries and frustration she had begun to talk about feelings she had and how she had handled them in her own life. As she spoke I realized that my prayer, my simple quiet prayer was being answered. I knew through her words God was reaching out to me grabbing my hand and leading me.

Today, I wear my petty pants. I am special, God loves me. I have been given this opportunity to join my Aunt in her final steps of life and with God's help I would like her to walk in peace. I am important; I am doing God's work. I must help my Aunt remember that God loves her too and that he will call her home when the time is right. Those very special petty pants fit right in today.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Panty Raid

I give up! I put on my big girl panties, I have untwisted them and still my work is not done. I lulled myself into a feeling of calm and contentment and began cleaning my house yesterday morning when I received the call from my Aunt's assisted living community. They just wanted to let me know that she once again was refusing to get out of bed and that they had called EMS. They had spoken with her doctor and he had decided that she should receive some testing, because something must be wrong since everything he has done has not worked. My response was "OK", but in my head I was thinking "OH CRAP".

I hung up the phone jumped in the shower and was preparing to race over to the hospital when Mark called to tell me that Anna (Our aide/companion for my Aunt) had called him since I must have been in the shower and told him that my Aunt was refusing to go and the EMS would not take her without her consent. AGH! At this point, I switched gears and prepared to go back to see my Aunt and try to get her to go to the hospital. Surprise, surprise she would not go for me either. In the midst of this I was calling our attorney and calling the doctor and trying to keep my head from popping off.

Here is the thing, I have to have her doctor write a letter expressing that she is incapacitated physically and mentally and unable to make appropriate decisions for herself. With this letter I can then act on her behalf and make sure she gets the care she needs whether she likes it or not. I missed his call back to me (because I was negotiating with my Aunt at the time) but essentially he message was "I can do that (the letter), but we should discuss if it is really necessary". When I heard this my jaw dropped and I thought really bad words! Can this guy be serious? Our attorney told me last night that if I have any problems with the doctor he will talk to him, so at least I have one person who seems to get the seriousness of what we are dealing with.

I have gone from a deep breathing centered place to a stomping around crazed lunatic place. On top of that we are in the throes of issues with my Mom's estate and my sister and I are conferencing by phone together and with the estate attorney. Attorneys all across America will eat well this week! I am seriously feeling like my big girl panties have turned into a head vice. My skull feels like it is going to implode from the pressure.

OK, deep breath in…hold it, hold it…release. Once more…OK, good. Now, today I will call to check on my Aunt, I will talk to her nurse, hopefully her doctor and with any luck I will get this situation under control. I am not visiting Auntie today. I spoke with Anna last night and we agree we need to let the community where she lives and Anna, deal with her for a couple of days. She is not going to change whether I sit there watching her fake sleep or not. My only hope is that I get a little help from the doctor today, I really have nothing left to do with these panties except whip them off and go commando!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Untwisting My Big Girl Panties

Excuse me one moment while I untwist my panties…

I left home yesterday with my big girl panties securely in place and came back home with them twisted into a knot by frustration. I spent 5 and a half hours yesterday watching as one individual after another, including Anna her aide/companion, her friend Nancy, her Grandson Robert (home on leave from the marines) and a variety of staff at the senior living community tried to convince my Aunt to get up out of bed.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her yet she would scream in pain and pretend to be in a sound deep sleep. She wants to die and apparently she thinks if she lays there in her urine soaked bed and screams in pain and pretends to sleep, we will all leave her alone. I sat there frustrated because I wanted to haul her fanny to the hospital, but since there is nothing wrong with her except stubbornness, there really is nothing a hospital can do.

Within the last hour of what I hesitate to call my visit, two of the upper level employees had reached their limit and scooped her out of bed as she screamed bloody murder. They put her in her wheel chair and whisked her off to have a bath, stripped her bed and replaced the sheets. She put up a pretty good fight until I told her they were doing this for her own good. What I find ironic is that she fought so hard when moments before she was in such pain.

So here is where I stand today:

  • I have asked Anna to come back to her six day a week schedule to keep an eye on my Aunt. There is not enough time or staff where she lives to deal with her shenanigans.
  • I am taking a couple of days to regroup and get in touch with her attorney to find out where to go from here.
  • I am working hard to get past my anger…it is not easy.
  • I understand that it is hard to be 93, but why she chooses to do nothing, and I mean NOTHING, but sit and complain all day everyday is beyond me.
  • I realize you cannot teach this old dog any new tricks, she wants to be miserable.
  • If she pulls this stunt again, she is going to the hospital.
  • My Aunts new normal is that I know she does not like me and now I am going to give her something to really not like because I refuse to join the pity party she is throwing for herself.
  • I am working hard to find compassion and understanding for her feelings while not becoming a codependent. This requires walking a fine line.

Finally I hope to dislodge this twist in my panties…

Monday, April 18, 2011

Put On Your Big Girl Panties

Out of desperation last night I called a friend. It was sort of like that show where you get lifelines and one of them is to phone a friend. I needed a lifeline, since things with my Aunt Nina are spiraling out of control. I had talked to Mark, I had talked to my Aunts good friend and I had talked to my cousin, but what I really needed was a reality check and I got it. My friend's advice, "It's time to put on your big girl panties and take control of this situation."

Mark and I have been so busy trying to make sure we do not take away my Aunt's self confidence and feeling of independence that we have backed ourselves into a corner. It is time to push back. Aunt Nina continues to refuse to eat and she also continues to lie in bed and scream in pain when people touch her even though x-rays have shown nothing. She is not drinking fluids and she is not answering her phone. She has everyone alarmed and I have had it in my mind that it is her life and her choice and that I could do nothing about it, but I have come to the place that say's NO MORE!

Today, I head out (in the snow, if you can believe it, where did the snow come from?) to see my Aunt and have her taken to the hospital. I want her checked out and I want them to give her the attention she needs to die (if she insists on it) with dignity. This lying in bed in the dark refusing food and water and laying in your own waste is disgusting and infuriating. Today is the day the independence ends and the care giving begins. Thanks to my friend's words, I am pulling on my big girls panties and taking charge.

Here is the part that is hardest for me. My Mom died May 22nd 2009 and my Dad died May 3rd 2010 and now my Aunt wants to die in 2011 and I am struggling with the fact that I will lose another loved one for the third year in a row. I know I have to set that aside and focus on getting her some help, but that piece of this sent me into a tail spin last night. Moving on, I have to stay strong, grab my important papers for her and hit the road. I am also waiting for a call from her attorney who I contacted yesterday. I am hoping he can help me navigate through my rights and responsibilities for My Great Aunt. I have said my prayer and done my yoga and pulled up my big girl panties…I am ready.


 

Saturday, April 16, 2011

What Goes Around…

The subject of Karma has come up a bit lately. Karma is the belief that humans acting of their own free will, create their own destiny. Basically, what goes around comes around or you reap what you sow, there is no way to blame anyone else or anything else for your life if you believe in Karma. All of your life choices bring you back full circle each and every day.

This of course is my personal belief system and I have tried to instill it in my children. I know I have mentioned in the past, but I believe that anything that comes up in your life that you do not deal with continues to return to your life until you work through it. Each time it returns I believe it comes back differently with the same lesson until you walk through it and complete the lesson. I know this sounds crazy, but I am pretty sure you have already figured out that I walk a little on the crazy side.

With all that said, I should also add that I have watched Karma work for good in some people's lives and I have watched it swirl around and return to teach a lesson again and again each time getting more difficult and painful. I guess my main point is that we choose to be happy or we choose to be miserable. We also choose how we will be with others. If we decide that we are the most important person and everything we do is only for us, Karma will attempt to teach us to open our hearts.

I am very happy to report that in the case of my issues with my Mom and Dad that Karma has worked to my benefit. I chose at the time to ride that wave, I turned the other cheek and showed grace where I could. I stayed focus, I cried and dealt with my wounded heart and in return my life has become fuller and more blessed with family relationships that had soured and hearts that have turned that had at one time questioned. We are not at the end of our journey within our family. Many things are still out there that need to be dealt with and slowly they are. The merry-go-round called life is amazing, the ride is thrilling and if you play your cards right, it comes around.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Assisting Suicide

Well, as if I have not had enough stress over the last few months, word comes that my Aunt Nina has decided not to eat or get out of bed. Seriously, I am at my wits end. Considering that my wits end is very short these days, it was not too far a jump. After talking with Aunt Nina's aide/companion Anna (God bless her) and Mark, I have decided to take a hard line. I know she is 93 and I also know (since she has told me) that she wants to die. The part that Auntie seems to have a hard time with is that she is not God and she does not get to decide when the time is right.

I know I sound harsh and perhaps unfeeling, but here is the thing. She is living in an assisted living community, if you decide to lie in bed and not eat, then it becomes an assisted dying community. The last time someone tried that they ended up in jail, so I am pretty sure that where she lives is not called Kevorkian village and they will not appreciate assisting her in suicide. I have told Anna and Mark that if this does not stop by Monday, I will be moving Aunt Nina back to the nursing home and that is where she will stay. This whole thing is ridiculous. I am not feeling sorry for her at all.

Before you start thinking I am a heartless beast, you should understand that in spite of the fact that my Aunt can be one step over crazy sometimes, she is family and I love her. I have been there for her when her husband Uncle Ted died and Mark and I both have been unfailing companions since her only child Dana passed away. Nina has no idea the challenges this situation has added to our lives, and we would never ever tell her. She needed us and we were there. My only hope has always been that if I needed someone later in my life that someone would be there for me as well.

At 93 Aunt Nina is not going to change, but I have to find a way to help her now and keep her dignity in tacked. My only option will be to move her back to the nursing home so that they can monitor her and make sure that if she is determined to die that it is a comfortable passing. She will not like it and I will be on her very long list of people that have made her mad, but I really do not care anymore. She has a do not resuscitate order in place, so my guess is, it is her plan to take herself down so low that we legally cannot bring her back. How sad is that?

Watching the people at the community Aunt Nina lives in, I see people who choose to participate in the activity's there and make the most of each day. My Aunt chooses to sit in her room and sit in the lobby and not do anything but complain. Not surprising that she eats alone and has no relationships with anyone there. My Aunt has taken on the task of defying God's plan for her and something tells me this is a really bad decision. I hope that in the next few days we can get this situation under control. My sympathy is waning and my patience is leaving with it.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Evil

Have you ever felt evil? I am not talking about you being evil, but the aura of evil, the feeling that something or someone is dark and scary? This happened to me yesterday and I cannot shake the feeling. I was out running a few errands and I stepped out of my car to make a quick run into our local newspaper. As I closed my car door I could see a man out of my peripheral vision, and honestly, I could smell him too because he was smoking and he carried this tobacco cloud with him. He was walking out of a nearby dry cleaner and I caught a quick glimpse of him, but before I saw him, I sensed him.

Everything in me felt a sense of alarm. This man who I do not know frightened me. I found myself walking faster so that I could get into the newspaper office and get away from him. When I came back out of the office, the man was sitting as a passenger in the car next to mine with his window down, still puffing away on his cigarette. Once again, my internal alarm went off. I started to feel shaky and concerned. I even went so far as to turn in the opposite direction of where I was going and continued to zigzag up and down side streets until I arrived home. Once home I went around checking every door to be sure it was locked. I was shaken to the core.

I do not know who this man was, but I do know that he was evil. I have found myself thinking that I walked near the devil yesterday. I have even thought that if I had made eye contact with this man it would have allowed him a chance at my soul. I was truly frightened by him. This feeling has struck me to the core and made me afraid and nervous. I also find it interesting that just yesterday I woke up with negative energy shooting out of me and later that morning I was face to face with a sense of evil. Perhaps it was a fluke. It could possibly have been an over active imagination, but in my heart of hearts I am absolutely certain that if I had let myself go long enough yesterday I could have let this evil take over my life.

Now please do not read this and think I am becoming a whack job. I am still the same kind of crazy I have always been. I know what I felt, and I also know that whoever or whatever it was that was present in my day yesterday was carrying evil by the buckets full. I still cannot shake the feeling today. Instead of a brush with greatness, I had a brush with evil and I can honestly say, I would be very happy if that never happens again!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Negative Energy

Negative Energy: noun; any form of energy that is in some way detrimental (esp. spiritual). dictionary.com

It is in the air swirling around nipping at my ankles and making my heart race. This feeling of urgency with anxiety mixed in. I wake feeling it and I lay awake at night trying to fall asleep to get away from it, but the negative energy does not leave me. This morning it was pouring out of me as I shared it with Avery and then Mark, nothing off the charts, just a snippy chastising, about something minimal. They never saw it coming, but I knew it was when I woke and the energy began its swirling dance through my body. Mark and Avery were victims to my venom. In slight defense, Avery had some of it coming, but the pace and time of the attack, were wrong but I just could not stop the force of the feeling.

Where is this coming from? Every year I feel this feeling, it brings me to my emotional knees. I am not sure if it is spring or if it is just how I am in spring, but I am worn thin from this feeling of hurry. I want to find away to channel this energy; harness it if you will, into a positive force. I need to make this energy work for me and not against me, but how? This energy is spiritually and physically draining. I look at everything before me as a chore, even the things that I love to do are work for me right now. As things come up I find myself pushing myself to get through them.

It is spring, the sun is out more, the air is warming and people everywhere I go seem to be smiling and walking more lightly, yet I am dragging my feet as if I have on lead boots. Who are you and what have you done with Ragen? Agh, I have just returned from the high school parent meeting and I feel as if I have run a marathon. I am certain that if I could shut my brain off for a little while and rest I would feel a little better, but looming out there is the call I just received from Aunt Nina's aide, Anna saying that she has not been out of bed since my visit with her Monday, so now I will add that worry to the energy.

I believe my best course of action right now is to allow myself a short nap. Even this beautiful sun is not keeping me on track today, so I think it is best to let my body run my mind and give into the need for rest. Perhaps when I wake everything will seem a little less negative.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Small World


Laurel Falls
You know how people tell you it is a small world? It seems I forget until it smacks me in the face sometimes. Recently I have had two small world moments that I would like to share. One was here at home and the other was hundreds of miles away in the Smokey Mountains.

 
A few weeks ago I was having my hair done and I was seated next to a woman who was talking about traveling and security at the airport. As she spoke I found myself becoming a bit of a nosey neighbor and listening to her conversation with her stylist, at one point I interjected a comment about something she had said. Apparently that was our bonding moment, because we than spent half an hour talking about everything under the sun. My new friend commented at one point that you have to be careful because you never know who knows who, or who you are talking to. At one point during the conversation, she mentioned her last name and it hit me that it was the same as my brother-in-law. I decided to see if she knew him. "Excuse me, are you related to Randy?" she replied "Is he married to Cathy?" "Yes he is!" I said. "Well, I am his Aunt, Randy's Dad and my husband are brothers! You see you really do never know who you might be talking to!" She added enthusiastically. We continued chatting a few more minutes and I walked away with the feeling that the moment was meant to happen, but wondered why.

 
Last week as Mark and I traveled through the Smokey Mountains we took a trail up to Laurel Falls. I had chosen this trail because my cousin's name is Laurel and I wanted to get a picture of it to send to her. As we walked up this very long steep trail I kept complaining about the length of the trail and announcing quite often that I was certain that it was actually longer than the map had stated. Mark has a habit of trying to deflect these situations with humor, so when he said "Look, its Steve Andrew's" I immediately said 'NO ITS NOT!" and took a loving swing at him. Steve Andrews is the head pastor at our church and the odds of him coming down the trail we were heading up were pretty slim. Mark repeated the comment again "No really, there is Steve Andrew's". Still I focused on the three and a half foot wide path and the steep incline and snarped "IT IS NOT" as I looked up and came face to face with Steve Andrew's and his wife Paula. Mark shook his hand and Steve spoke with us for a couple of minutes and shared that they were there celebrating their 30th anniversary. He told us to "Enjoy the falls" and went on his way. I ended up laughing all the rest of the way up the mountain to Laurel Falls.

 
I find myself mulling over these random meetings now wondering what I should be taking away from them. Here are some thoughts.
  1. Watch what you say and who you say it about
  2. You can find a friend in the most unlikely place
  3. Be friendly, it makes someone's day
  4. Sometimes Mark is not joking, learn to take him seriously

     
  5. 30 years of marriage is amazing and good to hear when you are on a retreat with your husband

     
  6. Mountains are steep, marriage is hard, but you can get over the hard stuff and enjoy the falls!

     
Last but not least, Walt Disney was right, it is a small world after all!!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Back to Crazy

As the thunderstorm passed through early this morning, I thought to myself that I would drive my girls the 200 feet to the bus stop so that they would not be drenched from the pouring rain. You see this morning was our first day back to our "normal" schedule after our school districts spring break. I thought it would be a nice thing to do and it would involve less time than driving Aly and Avery all the way to school. So I climbed into the car wearing my workout shorts and flip flops and grabbed the puppy princess Roxanne for the quick drive to the corner. Aly was right behind me feeling like missing the bus was a huge possibility, I of course the voice of reason assured her there was plenty of time. As Aly and I sat waiting in the idling car in the garage, Avery finished brushing her teeth and pulling her stuff together, we saw the bus whip by our house as if it was snubbing us. That's when I knew we were back to crazy.

You see, there is no normal here. I hope to myself all the time that normal is right around the corner for us and like the bus; normal snubs us and whips right by! I honestly believe that we are so use to doing everything at a screaming pace. When I use the word screaming I mean that literally and figuratively. Most days there is screaming, things like "Hurry up!" or "Do you have your lunch" or "I know you have my sweater, where is it? This is all followed by running, running to the door, to the bus, or to the car. And so, crazy is back and running here once again.

I had myself convinced that after Spring break things here would function at a slower pace. I had a sense of calm planted in my mind, a serene centered place where we would all sit in the Yoga lotus position and breathe deeply, slowly standing and quietly exiting to the various locations we belonged for the day. All of us relaxed and centered, calm and prepared. As I ran passed Avery to put on pants and grab my purse this morning I calmly told her that perhaps a more quickly paced morning regime was in order, I than ran back to the car and drove my girls to school. As we drove, we sang along to the radio and harmonized with each other and that's when it hit me. This is our normal. The hurry up and the last minute sprint all culminate into what makes our family tick. We are a crazy mix of organized kayos; that sometimes works and sometimes does not, but in the end brings us back to crazy, our crazy. Ah…it is good to have everyone back!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Tough Love



Five short years ago when they needed me...
 I have a sense of urgency today. Both of my girls come home tonight and I have this need to get things done around my house today. Why, I think that my kids will care about the housework I finish before they get home is beyond me. None the less, I am compelled to try to accomplish a few things before we head out to see Aunt Nina. I am anxious and feel this mounting stress. Today it would be best if I am active and completing some household projects. Something like raking, folding laundry and cleaning out my fish pond will fill the bill. Anything that will make the time between now and when I can wrap my arms around my girls and welcome them home will do.

 
There was a message on the church website this morning that perhaps some of the teens on the trip forgot how to apply sunscreen. I have my fingers crossed that Aly was not one of those kids; sunburn is the worst possible souvenir. Avery has told us that she has a bit of a burn and I am hoping that it is just a little pink and nothing to painful. Avery has always been the child that tans, so to hear that she had burned made feel a little guilt for not giving a better mommy reminder before she left.

 
As I was lamenting some of these issues with my sister yesterday, she asked me "How old is she?" I started to laugh at that as I realized that both of these girls are old enough now to take on the responsibility for their own actions, and maybe Mommy needs to let go a little! So, today as I putter around the house and prepare for my children's return I should also prepare for the fact that this is just the beginning of my girls stepping out on their own. So mixed in with my urgent preparations today is a little bit of a reality check. My girls are able to take care of themselves and I am not doing them any favors if I hover over them and try to make everything OK. A little sunburn is a good lesson that sunscreen needs to be applied. Honestly, I figured that out when I was about their age and had basted myself with baby oil and fried myself like a sunny side up egg. Is this what they call tough love or letting go?

Friday, April 8, 2011

Quiet Time


I have just arrived back home from my whirlwind visit to Ashleigh's yesterday to pick up Roxanne our puppy princess. It is 10:30 AM and I am sitting with a cup of coffee to my left and the puppy princess draped over my toes. We are happy to be home even if it is only for a few minutes of respite before I begin buying groceries and preparing for my children and Mark to return home. Mark of course was off to work yesterday morning while I ran the roads to pick up our puppy princess. The girls are hitting the road today making their way home from Florida.

 
We have heard from Avery a few times and she seems to be having a great time. According to the church website, Aly's group is doing well and also having a wonderful trip. Mark and I are planning one last quiet dinner at home tonight before everyone starts pouring in and sharing their travel stories. We are excited to see the girls and hear about all of their adventures. However, my priority right now is making sure there is food to eat for dinner and for my girls when they get home. This means there is not much more time for me to sipping coffee and lazing about. This was not that type of vacation week and it appears it is not going to become a lazy weekend either. I just have to hold on tight and be ready to hit the ground running tomorrow. Also in the mix of activities for tomorrow is a visit to my dear Aunt Nina. Mark is planning to go along with me and he usually helps to keep her in good spirits.

 
We have no gifts to offer Aunt Nina or our girls from our own get away since we stayed off the beaten path and did no shopping at all. This works well for Aunt Nina, since we usually bring her a sweet treat and to be honest, she does not need the weight or the cavities. Her last visit to the dentist proved that she has decided to give up on dental hygiene. There was a good size bill for filled cavities, and I really do not want to be contributing to the delinquency of an elderly woman! She will just have to be happy with a visit.

 
Enough quiet time, it is time to make a list and get back on the road, I have a husband and children that will want to eat…their funny that way.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Souvenir




 
We left home
We closed and locked the door stepping into a time together
No expectations other than our time to reconnect and become one again
Long drives, long talks and quiet moments wrapped around us pulling us closer together
Our adventure did not draw us to shops or side shows, we were drawn to each other
We come home with empty hands and full unlocked hearts
Reunited...our one and only souvenir.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Heading Home




After three nights and two full days of relaxation, hiking and eating we are heading home. We hugged Ida the Bed and Breakfast Inn keeper good-bye this morning, and I actually got teary eyed. Ida was a kind woman with a calm spirit and a twinkle in her eye, she put us at ease the moment we arrived for our stay at Ancient Oaks Bed and Breakfast. I think the tears came from having to say good-bye to someone so kind and also because our mini adventure was coming to an end.

 
Mark and I hiked in the Smokey Mountains on Monday. We made our way up the mountain to a waterfall which the hiking map had said was 1.3 miles, by the time we got to the falls, I knew that they had meant 1.3 miles there and 1.3 mile back. Just a little detail I would have liked to have known when I set out on our excursion, I might not have started out with so much gusto. Another detail they omitted from the map, the path was up hill all the way. That hike was quite the adventure.

 
We also found a quaint little pub off the beaten path. It was more of a locals place and we enjoyed that the bartender kept offering samples of all the different beers that they served. We were able to sample beers we never find at home. The food was delicious and freshly prepared. We enjoyed it there so much, that we ended up going back yesterday as well. The friendliness of everyone we met made our get away all the more delightful.

 
Heading home we hope that we can keep the laid back restful feeling for a few more days. Both of our youngest girls arrive home on Saturday. We have heard from Avery each day letting us know that she was safe and happy and just a little sunburned. Aly of course is phoneless and we have been reading a blog from her mission leaders that has shared that they are all safe and happy as well. Keeping this feeling of inner peace and calm will not be easy, but I think Mark and I will try our best. Perhaps on Sunday our family will be able to sit down together and share our stories. For now I will focus on not yelling out to Mark every time something on our route home startles me. While it makes me feel like I am helping, it drives Mark nuts.

 
I find it quite amazing that I can write this and then send it out into the airwaves for you to read while I am riding along I-75. Tomorrow I will share more from our trip. Here are some more photos…

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Tennessee Get Away




We drove 10 hours on Sunday to get here and it was worth every minute. I was a bit nervous when I found this bed and breakfast online that we would be in a too populated area or that the pictures were nicer than the actual place was, but my fears were unnecessary. As we drove into the area of Tennessee where the Ancient Oaks Bed and breakfast is located, I was delighted to see that it was far from the hustle and bustle and tourist trap feel that you sometimes find when you go to a highly traveled area like The Smokey Mountains.

 
We drove our car up the mile long driveway of the bed and breakfast and we were literally driving straight up hill, but perched at the top of the foothill was a beautiful home that looked out into the surrounding area. Mark and I have been relaxing and enjoying our time together since we pulled out of our driveway Sunday morning. Arriving here has allowed us the time to talk and think and just be. We spent the day yesterday hiking a trail in the Smokey Mountains and enjoying the warm weather that was here when we arrived. Last night a furious thunder storm blew through and brought with it cooler temperatures and partly cloudy skies. Much like what we have had at home. We are in no hurry today and out plan is to take it easy and enjoy a slow paced day before we climb back in our car and head home tomorrow.

 
I will plan on getting back to writing on Thursday morning when I am not ignoring Mark to write. I figure he will appreciate that. For now I will leave you with some pictures of our trip so far…

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Off and Running

Phew! I am writing today as I sit in line for an oil change, in the car next to me is Mark, our first big outing since the girls have hit the road…oil changes. Actually we are both in desperate need of oil changes and it made sense to get them both out of the way at the same time. Besides, Mark and I are now leaving town as well and we need our car to be in top notch condition for our trip.

Aly of course was off to school yesterday while Avery lazed in bed. Avery's trip began late morning when she headed out with her best friend and her best friends family to Florida. When Aly arrived home from school she was calm and prepared. She shared with me that she was looking forward to a week of "not thinking". After months of advanced placement classes and play preparation, she is hoping that just swinging a hammer and making new friends will be a nice break. There is also the fact that both girls are taking separate vacations which will give them a nice break from each other. My hope is that they will return home happy and filled with love for each other. They will have missed each other and for a good two weeks or so, I will live in a fight free zone. Ahhh, the thought of it makes me smile. Once again, I dream of a happy place that I may never see.

Mark and I talked the other night and decided to grab this child free opportunity and renew our relationship. We found a fabulous looking Bed and Breakfast in Tennessee, and we are on our way tomorrow morning. In our true style we will be leaving very early tomorrow morning. The excitement is building. We have a lot to do today to get ourselves ready and out the door. We have oil changes, car washes, packing and meeting Ashleigh to drop off Roxanne my princess puppy, (and since Mark is scheduled to work at our church on the cameras tonight) church. I also would like to clean my house a little bit, call me crazy, but I like to come home to a clean house. As is also typical, many things will come up and get in our way of progress out the door, but that will not thwart our mission. One way or the other, with an oil change and a cup of coffee, we will be off and running at 5:30 AM. Not to worry I will also be keeping my blog as up to date as possible from the road.


 


 

Friday, April 1, 2011

Did You Really Just Say That?

A couple of nights ago Mark, Aly and I all went to the final meeting for her mission trip. Aly leaves this evening with several van loads of high school students and leaders for 8 days of community service. The meeting was to finalize the information transfer back and forth and it was also time for each teen to meet the people that are part of their group. This group will ride together and work together the entire week, and it is a great opportunity for Aly to make some new friends.

There are several things our church has requested from each student. First, no cell phones, they want the kids to be focused and part of the group. The concern is that many of the students might be uncomfortable and instead of participating and learning about the people they are with, they will revert to calling and texting family and friends and use the phone as avoidance. The other item the kids cannot bring is their IPod, same reason as the phone. Another item on the list was a request that girls wear one piece suits as a means of modesty, as well as wearing finger tip length shorts and no tank tops.

Our family felt that these were reasonable requests. We were not uncomfortable with the idea of no phones, and actually welcomed the chance for Aly to unplug a little. As for the dress code, we respect our churches position on this being a mission focused trip and not a Girls Gone Wild getaway. We knew what Aly was signing up for and we felt good about the direction the church was taking.

Back to the meeting…as we arrived we looked around and migrated towards a table on the far side of the room. We sat down and nodded at the woman already seated there and then the three of us, Mark, Aly and I went into our own little world thinking about everything we had left to get done this week. Honestly, Aly was texting away ignoring all of us. That is when our table mate spoke up. "You know my oldest daughter took this trip and loved it." Really, that is wonderful, my daughter is looking forward to it" I replied trying to be friendly. That's when she said it, "I let my daughter take her phone, I just told her to keep it hidden" I looked at Aly and replied to our table mate, "It will do my daughter good to take a break from her phone". As if I was not already stressed enough about our new friend's comments upsetting things for us, she felt she needed to add "I also let her wear a two piece swimsuit; she just wore a t-shirt over it". If this woman had known how long we shopped and how much convincing I had to do that the one piece suit was lovely, she hopefully would have kept her trap shut! Now I was aggravated and not feeling very Christian like at all. I wanted to glare at her and say "Did you really just say that?"

Here is where I stand on this; our church has done hundreds of mission trips. They work hard to insure the safety and well being of all that go on these trips. They also want them to be a centering and God filled experience. They have not asked for anything from these kids that they cannot handle and most probably many of them need the break that my daughter does. Finally, a rule is a rule! If you do not like the rules, then do not go on the trip and don't send your children. Finally, if you still want to send your children and encourage them to break the rules, please keep it to yourself. You do not need to brag about it and encourage others to break the rules so that you feel better! I am still shaking my head at this one. This same Mom may be wondering someday why her daughter never follows her rules at home. I on the other hand have a pretty good idea!