Dog Sitting

We are leaving soon on a Spring Break trip. We have a fabulous person that is going to care for my Puppy Princess Roxanne, but I thought I should lay out a few details for them so that they would understand how to handle her. I am sharing this with you today, because I realized after reading this that my dog actually owns me and not the other way around! Enjoy…



 If she is doing something and you want her to stop, say NO in a firm voice. Remember you are in charge of her not the other way around she can get very bossy, especially when popcorn is involved! She will bark at you until you give her a piece of popcorn and once you do you will have to share, which she does not do well at all. We give her pretzels here and there and we also give her small baby carrots from time to time but other than that no people food please. She is sassy enough and once she has people food we may not be able to tame her!

 I usually take Roxanne on a short walk in the morning so she can take care of her business and then make sure she gets out every two or three hours. If you forget, she may scratch at the door. She is very good about not going in the house unless she gets forgotten and then she will go. If I had to go and I had no other choice I would do the same thing…just sayin! She will also need to go out after her dinner. She normally does her important work twice a day (if you know what I mean) morning and early evening. She will walk with you whenever you want, but she normally is too lazy to go very far (she gets bored).

 Roxanne eats breakfast usually around 7:30 AM. If you are enjoying break and want to sleep in she will sleep too unless she is real hungry. Put once she eats and goes potty she is not above going back to bed if that is what you want to do. She is a cuddlier. If you have a cozy lap or soft blanket she is happy. Dinner time is around 5:30 PM. At dinnertime Roxanne is not as easy going. She will start a low growl around 5:00 PM just to remind you it time to eat, do not let her get bossy. Feed her when you are ready. Trust me my little beefcake is not starving! 

 Roxanne has been running off lately because she loves spring! She will sprint across the yard and she has been known to chase a car or two. Last week for example she dashed out in the street after a car. She did get hit by a car a couple of years ago when she ran right at it. She thinks she is a tough cookie and the cars should be afraid. It would be best to keep her on the leash. She will promise to stay by you in the yard, but beware…SHE LIES!!


Perhaps reading this, you are now wondering what you have gotten yourself into, but I know you will be fine. Just remember that you cannot believe anything she says, she is not above jumping on a kitchen chair and stealing your meal and she is the cutest, lovingest Puppy Princess ever. Thank you for caring for her!

When you go out, you just have to say "Time for crate" and Roxanne will go in her crate and wait for a treat. Just be sure to let her outside when you get home. You can also tell her "time for bed" and she will go lay down in her crate at night, just know that she will probably climb in bed with you in the middle of the night. If you don't want that just repeat, "Time for bed".

 PHEW, I think that's it…honestly after reading this, I think I am the one who is trained!

 As for the Kitties, make sure they have food and water a couple of days and if they get out they will usually sit on the front window sill and wait to be let in. Oliver and Emeril are much easier to care for. Just fill their bowl with food and pet them if they ask you to.

 As you can tell, I am overly concerned about my dog's well being even though she will be in very loving and capable hands. The sad part is I have never written an in depth letter like this about any of my children when we have left them. That is just embarrassing. I also want you to note how easy cats are to take care of. Honestly, more people should own cats. Being owned by a dog is a lot of work!

My Owner: (You just have to LOVE that face!)

I have sent along treats and a bag of food, plus some of Roxanne's toys. She loves to play when she is in the mood.

Senior Timeline



Aly 3 years old




Aly 17 years old...my how time flys!


Yesterday a friend pointed out that there were less than 60 days of school left for our graduating seniors. She said she was looking at the Senior Timeline provided by her son's school and it prompted her to feel slightly panicked. My response was that it will feel more like a "Senior Zip line". Time is whipping along, and there is no stopping it.

 My calendar is steadily filling up with plans and that is going to make the time go by even faster. Included in those plans is a return trip to a university in Rochester, New York so that Aly can make sure that is the school she wants to go to. Right on the heels of that trip is another trip to New Orleans. We (my sister and I) will be closing on the sale of the building my Mom and Dad owned and most likely going to a court hearing that we hope will move all of the estate escapades along.

 There will be exams and a prom, as well as a two weekend run of a play and a choir concert. There will be honors night and scholarship night (these are two separate nights just to annoy Senior parents) and also just because we need more to do, Avery turns Sweet 16 and I have told her she can have a party (aren't I nice?). There will the graduation ceremony and the traditional after graduation, All Night Party, put on by some of the senior parents. I am also planning a graduation party for Aly two weeks after graduation. When I said zip line, I was not kidding!

 Before all of this takes place our family is going to take a spring break trip with some of Aly's friends and their parents. This will be a nice respite before the graduation caps hit the fan. Once we return I hope to be relaxed and rested enough to sail through the remainder of the Senior Zip Line without blinking.

 The truth is I have spent the last almost eighteen years wishing away every moment in my daughter's life. I wanted her to crawl and then walk, then I wanted her to talk, which led to going to school and learning. She has learned to ride a bike and drive a car. I have hoped and wished her to where she is now and I cannot slow the process down. There are going to be more milestones and we are going to be watching them zip by as well.

 Life is full of timelines. Life is also full of moments that build strands that we slide our parental pearls on. These pearls are our memories of our children's lives and their accomplishments. These pearls are our coveted jewels that we keep with us when we release our children into the world. We can only hope and pray that others slow down enough to appreciate our children's value and that these same people respect and love them as much as we do. Our Senior Zip Line is open and ready for business and I am proud and happy to be along for the ride.

On Time

There was a time in my life when I was always on time. I would arrive on time or early everywhere I went. I was obsessive about being on time. Most often my being on time required me to wait. Wait in my car, wait in a restaurant, wait in the doctor's office and wait on a friends couch…you get the point. Being on time is a coveted comment someone makes about you. Being on time shows you are considerate of others and aware of deadlines. You are a good person if you arrive within the preset boundaries, however you become a waiter. Not the "Your order will be right up" kind of waiter, but the kind of person that is waiting for things to get started and for people to show up.

A few years ago I decided I was tired of waiting and tired of starring into the panicked eyes of a host that had thought they had ten more minutes to get ready. I wanted to take some stress off myself. I really did not set out to become a renegade late person; I only wanted to take it down a notch. Spend less time sitting on someone else's couch and more on my own. I also thought I could get more done at home if I saved some of that waiting time.

That's how it started…my being late I mean. I would gather up a load of laundry and throw it in the wash or let the dog out "real quick" (like any dog does anything "real quick", especially when you want them to). I have all kinds of things that I have done at the last minute before heading out the door, actually it is now to the point that I am always late. I look at the clock and it feels for a moment like a show down at the Okay Corral. I think "I can do it, I can beat the clock!" I grab whatever it is I think I can accomplish and I go for it.

The hard part is that what started out as a way of releasing me from the uptight bondage of timeliness has turned into a full on disregard for time all together. It is not pretty! Instead of trying to do one more thing, now I attempt two and sometimes three more things. I then find myself running to the car and hoping that all of the slow drivers are safely off the road and out of my way. Suddenly my problem of lateness becomes everyone else's problem since the world slows down just to annoy me.

I am tired of my lateness, I am tired of the look that others give me that says, "late again. No big shock!" I am also tired of explaining why I am late. Last week I was running late for something and I decided I was not going to apologize. It really made no sense to say I was sorry for something that I continued to do even though I know I am doing it. If you apologize it is because you recognize that you made a mistake and you plan not to do it again. That is why I have decided I am going to be on time.

My goal is punctuality. My goal is to be on time and take others schedules more seriously, so that they take me more seriously. No more waiting until it is already late to get moving. I will get moving and watch the clock and head out the door on time. If I am running late it will be for something far more serious than a load of laundry or a too long session of Facebook.

I am taking back my clock and arriving on time. I am going to show others that respect and also myself. I do not want to have people expecting me to run late, so then they are late and by the time it trickles done a whole community is late for something. There is a fine line to being on time and I will work carefully to find it. I do not want to be a waiter, but I do not want others waiting for me. It's going to take some time to get back on track, but don't worry I won't keep you waiting!

Taking a Chance

I write a lot. I write most days, as you probably know if you read this blog regularly. My writing has been first and foremost for me, to think through my life and work through my troubles and worries. Writing is my therapy.

 Recently, our church asked for the members that were "gifted" writers to send in writing on a particular subject. If we were interested we were to contact them and they would fill us in on what the subject was and what they were looking for. I went back and forth about whether to take the chance or not. My writing has always been so personal. While I like writing and I also like a challenge, it felt a little too close to home. While writing in this blog out there for all to see is not very private; I have the illusion that this is somewhat anonymous and I feel safe here. If I wrote something for the church, they could easily not like it and I open myself up to doubts about me, and doubts about my writing.

 That is the hard part about taking a chance, we never know if it is a sure thing, thus the word "Chance". There is a part of me that was excited about putting my writing out there for a new audience, but the bigger part of me was afraid. I talk a good game here in my little blog world, but my reality is, I do not always believe in myself. Actually if I am going to be honest I rarely believe in myself. I could get all physiological on you, but why continue to blame the past, I am a big girl and I need to just step up and take responsibility for who I am.

 In the end it all comes down to; is this all I want in my life or do I want more? Do I want to stretch a little and limber up my life, or do I want to stay safe in this cramped little safe place I have created. Taking a chance means stretching the confidence muscles. Taking a chance also means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, allowing yourself to think "What have I got to lose?" None of this is easy, but the old saying is "Life is not easy". If I am going to live this life then I think I should go all in with it, stop sitting in this box and waiting for the easy train.

 The hardest part about taking this chance is that I might be told my writing is not good enough or that the piece I wrote is not what they are looking for. I do not handle rejection well. I turn rejection over and over in my mind and by the time I am done not only is my writing rejected, but I am too. I am "not good enough" period end of story. That is a daunting mountain to climb, the "I am not good enough" mountain. It is very high and getting over it is not an easy task.

 This brings us back to taking a chance, taking a chance that wanting more and going after it might not be easy, it might hurt or be hard. Taking a chance might stretch me or fling me out of my safe place where being anonymous is my armor, my protection. What fun is that? Perhaps my writing is not the only therapy I need maybe taking a chance is just what the doctor ordered!

Early Bloomer

This time of year, our little town is normally still scraping ice off our cars and sometimes even shoveling snow off our sidewalks and driveways. This year though we are being treated to a mini summer. Many of my friends and neighbors are busy cleaning out flower beds and mowing and taking the opportunity to start their spring clean up early. I on the other hand am nervous to do the same.

 My concern is that while this early spring is delightful it is "EARLY"! My plants are blooming and my Forsythia bush has even bloomed, that's great, but what happens if we get a cold snap and what happens when these blooms fade away. All my garden will have is the plants and no color left. This forced bloom may just ruin the cycle of my whole garden and possibly hurt my plants if it gets cold or snows again. All worries, for this novice gardener.

So pretty, but too soon!!

Yesterday Aly came to me upset because she heard some acquaintances talking about a party that is happening this weekend. Aly was hurt because as they were chatting the group looked specifically at her and declared that they were not inviting people that don't drink and don't know "How" to party. The topper was a friend told her that she would rather get all her drinking and partying out of her system now, because she is going to have a career some day and she will not be able to get drunk and party then, like she does now. That part made me laugh; I am not going to lie!
 These partiers are all 16, 17 and 18 years old. They are forcing the bloom now and then what do they have. All I can envision is a bunch of alcoholics at the ripe age of 20 or 21. I know I am over protective with my kids, but I always tell them that if they do everything now, they have nothing to look forward to. The world seems to be pushing our kids to bloom even though they are not ready, and I just keep shaking my head wishing it would all stop.

 My oldest Ashleigh has told me that when she got to college she was the most naive girl there. I know to her at the time it was a bad thing, but to me it was not. I was happy that her blooming started when it was suppose to. She bloomed at a time when she had more facts then made up fiction by a bunch of immature parties. Don't get me wrong, Ashleigh made some bad decisions, but she also stood up and took responsibility for them. She did not have to call home for help, because she was the one responsible, not her parents.

 Early blooming is exciting, but sometimes the fallout is not. I hope that this sun filled bird chirping time is not a precursor to some random winter blast. I also hope that my middle daughter understands that not being asked to "Party" was not a social death sentence, because when the time is right she will bloom!

Pie Eyed

I am not sure why, but lately I have become a bit obsessed with desserts. Baking cakes (you might recall my ugly bumpy cake) and now a pie. Thumbing through one of my new favorite magazines Real Simple I came across a Lemon Cream pie recipe that sounded delicious and looked easy to make.

The biggest requirement for me to get excited about a recipe is EASY. I am not lazy, but I do enjoy getting in and out of the kitchen with as much ease as possible. The other requirement is that the recipe ends up delicious. There is nothing worse than going to all the trouble of making a recipe and then throwing it away. Case in point my roasted garbanzo bean hummus experiment that was labor intensive, disastrous and utterly nasty tasting. I am sure you are wondering why anyone would try to roast garbanzo beans for any reason, but I was feeling adventurous and thought I would try something new. Huge mistake, popped garbanzo beans all over my oven…flaming and burning. Yuck! I should also add not a very tasty hummus, dry and flavorless.
Anyway, the pie…YUM! Fresh squeezed lemon juice and zest in the cream filling, Gingersnap Crust and homemade whipped cream on top. Oh yeah baby, good stuff!! Honestly, I was so excited about the pie that I short changed my family on side dishes at dinner so that they would all still have room for pie. This pie was worth every calorie…I even used low fat sweeten condensed milk just to slim it down a little and it was still fabulous.
So here is the deal I am going to share the recipe and you have to try it…I mean it! You will never regret it even if it means an extra workout…have I ever lied to you?

 

Lemon Cream Pie

Hands on time: 30 minutes

Total Time: 4 Hours (includes chilling)

Serves 10

(I ended up with 8 slices, so if you have 10 people you might have a fight on your hands)

 

9 oz. Ginger snaps (about 35)

6 Tbls unsalted butter, melted

2 Tbls granulated sugar

1 tsp kosher salt

2 large eggs

1 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk (I used low-fat)

1 Tbls finely grated lemon zest, plus more for serving, plus ½ cup lemon juice (I squeezed the zested lemon, you should too it was yummy and fresh tasting)

1cup heavy cream

2 Tbls confectioner's sugar

 

Heat oven to 350 degrees. In a food processor, process the gingersnaps until fine crumbs form. Add the butter, granulated sugar, and ½ tsp of the kosher salt and pulse until moistened. Press the mixture firmly into the bottom and up the sides of a 9 inch pie plate, using a flat bottomed measuring cup to help. Place on a rimmed baking sheet and bake until edges appear dry and set, 16 to 18 minutes. (Note the bottom will appear moist and soft but will become firmer as it cools; this is a crunchy cookie crust not a soft graham cracker-style one) Let cool.


In medium bowl, whisk together the eggs, condensed milk, lemon zest and juice, and the remaining ½ tsp kosher salt. Pour the mixture into the crust and bake until set in the center, 18 to 20 minutes. Let cool and then refrigerate until firm at least two hours.


Using an electric mixer, whip one cup heavy cream and confectioner's sugar on medium until soft peaks form, 2 or 3 minutes. Spread on pie sprinkle with the additional zest and serve immediately. (You might think about skipping this and buying whipped cream but DON'T, it is delicious and really makes this super homemadie!!)

Make Ahead tip:

The pie can be baked up to two days in advance; refrigerate, covered.

Top with the whipped cream and lemon zest just before serving.

 

That's it, get busy…

 

 

 

 

 

The Test

In this ever evolving world I tend to stay unevolved. I like to keep things simple and if it works for me, I generally do not want to change. Case in point, I like my cell phone. Yesterday, someone asked me if I have a Smartphone and I replied “No, I have a dumb phone.” I just do not care how smart my phone is, I am as connected as I want to be. Actually I am more connected than I want to be since the IPad came into my life. Information is easily found in seconds on any topic you can think of plus email, and Facetime, where I can talk to someone with a Smartphone face to face. I like that feature because I can call my daughter Ashleigh and we can talk, (you guessed it) face to face. I have boots that I loved so much that when the heel wore down I had new heels put on. I was not ready for the trendier style when my worn in boot worked fine.

 

I am sharing all of this, because I am trying a new thing today. I have done this in the past and it worked well, but it had been a long time and I want to make sure I have not forgotten what to do. I am emailing my blog to the site. It’s really no big deal, but it is something different and I want to make sure I get it right. Our family is taking a vacation soon and I want to stay in touch with you, so…TA DA, email! That is how much I care about you…I am willing to take time out from my vacation to keep in touch!

 

If for some reason this does not work, I may have to skip writing, which might be okay with you, but it makes me crazy to keep my life stored in my head. Better to let it out and spread the crazy thoughts wealth with the world.

 

That’s it that is all I have for you today, I have a busy day ahead and I need to get moving. I am going to hit the send button in just a minute and see how it goes. For a little added fun I am going to try to add a picture. You will know if it worked because you will see a picture. If you do not see a picture then you know that idea failed.

 

Happy first day of spring!

 

Flash Back

A friend stopped by yesterday with her daughter who is in 6^th grade. We were having a nice visit and chatting about our lives, when I turned to her daughter and asked how school was going, "I don't like middle school, I miss elementary" she said. We chatted about her school and I eventually changed the subject, because I could tell she was not happy about school at all.

I had always told my girls that middle school was hard, but high school is better because then you can just be who you are and not try to live up to the unrealistic middle school standard that everyone has to be the same or they are weird. My heart went out to my friend's daughter. She is tender hearted and I am sure that the mindset of the average middle school student does not tolerate tender hearts well.

I will not bore you once again about my horrific middle school years, but I can tell you I was the butt of many school jokes. I also had a flashback this morning when I realized my Mom was no help to me at all. In middle school my Mom bought a hunter orange knit cap for me to wear so that she could see me walking home from the bus. Let me at least share that a pimple faced girl with no self esteem or self worth wearing a bright orange knit hat was not running with the "popular" kids. I had no real support or understanding coming from my home team.

One thing that stands out about that time in my life is the fact that I am a different person today because of that time in my life. I feel that I am more caring and less likely to judge because I know how painful that can be. I know right now I cannot tell my friend's daughter that these hard times will make her a better person. I also know that this girl is surrounded by a loving family which will help make this time easier to tolerate. I am certain that she is going to be OK down the road; she is just going to have to walk the road, sans bright orange hat (thankfully) and emerge a stronger more compassionate woman in just a few years. I have to agree with my young friend, I do not like middle school either.

Green

Today is March 17^th…St. Patrick's Day. On St Patrick's Day you wear green, drink and eat green food and pretend that you are Irish by saying words like potato in an Irish brogue. Let's practice…come on; you know you want to…PO…TA…TOE. The emphasis should be on the TA part, raising your voice a little and your falsetto too. It's still early, but I am sure then when Mark wakes up he will do his usual PO…TA…TOE.

It happens to be Mark's go to St. Patrick's Day bit. Never mind that I have heard it for over twenty years, I still laugh and then say it along with him, it is dumb, but we are simple folk and it does not take much to keep us entertained.

Actually I have spent the last few days trying to find a green shirt. Most St. Patrick's days our weather is chilly, so I have a green sweater and a green jacket that is the extent of my green wardrobe. This year for whatever reason, our weather is unseasonably warm and I am faced with a 72 degree day and no green. I am thinking of going with a greenish cargo Capri pant and a top with some green blended in. I know…this is boring to you, but I have been quite frustrated about this issue and it feels good to finally have an idea. These are important issues that need to be dealt with when you are trying to impress others with your Irish fashion savvy.

Because our family has an action packed day I am saving my corned beef and cabbage dinner for tomorrow night. It is a traditional boiled supper that my Grandma used to make. Again, Grandma was not Irish, but she enjoyed pretending by making this meal, so I jumped on board with it to impress my family with our family food history and my culinary gifts.

I should slide a warning in right here…this is serious.

When you do something that your family enjoys they will consider it a tradition and they will expect it all the time, the same way. You will not be allowed to change any of the details about the tradition even if you are tired of it or bored with it that is why it is called a tradition. As an example: Cheesy potatoes every Christmas. At one point I had made my family my famous (and traditional) from scratch Chocolate/chocolate cake so many times I refused to make it anymore. I was bored with it. There you have it that is your warning.

So Happy St Patrick's Day to you, I hope you have a safe and delightful day full of green. Please avoid being green with envy or so sick you turn green. Also practice your Irish brogue (PO…TA…TOE) and if you are feeling especially festive, do a jig! Finally, if you come across a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, please remember to share. It will make you happy to see others happy.

Music to My Ears

I hope you are sitting down, because you are not going to believe this…

Last night as I sat nice and cozy in my bed reading my magazine and tearing out recipes I want to make, Aly popped her head in my doorway and said:

"You're a smart lady, Mom!"

Excuse me? I thought, "I am, why?" I said.

"Because you were right about getting all that stuff done for my scholarship forms, it was nice to come home today and be able to hang out and not be stressed about turning them in tomorrow."

"Well, you are welcome!"

That was it, that short and sweet conversation was music to my ears. In my head I was doing the I WAS RIGHT, happy dance but I never let on to Aly because it was a big deal that she went out of her way to tell me I was right. In Mothering 101 they specifically recommend that you not gloat when your kids throw you a bone. It is really bad form to rub their noses in there messes and it can shorten the chances of it happening again.

Instead I am officially gloating here! Please do not think for one minute that she will remember this in a week or two. I will become stupid again in no time. I just need to revel in the moment right now and then get back in the game! It is best not to let your guard down this could be some evil plan to charm me or even worse to make me think I am all that and a bag of chips and the next thing you know I am tossed aside again because "You don't get it Mom!"

Today I am just happy that

1. My daughter told me I was right
   
2. My daughter told me I was right
   
3. I might just have a shot at making it through the next few months
   
4. My daughter was able to see past her distress and realize that my intentions were good even if my delivery or my recommendation seemed crazy.
   
5. It takes a big person to tell someone they were right and I am very proud of my daughter…who told me I was right!
   

Shhhhh, listen it is the sound of being RIGHT, isn't it beautiful?

Wounded

I hurt myself. As I was cooking dinner last night I had one of those fluke kitchen accidents and almost lost the knuckle on my right thumb. With the help of my girls, (who are now scarred for life) I was able to tape it up with Kleenex and still get dinner on the table. That's what we mom's do…sort of like the women that would have a baby in the field and get back to work, we women are awesome! In time this disgusting looking wound will heal and I will be able to get back to texting like a normal person instead of using the hunt and peck method. It really is not as efficient as you might think. Anyway, after this thumb heals up I will get back to my life as usual and other then what will be a considerable scar, I will be fine. My body is resilient and I will heal.

As I pondered my wound I realized that in the last few weeks my emotional wounds are starting to heal. The weight of the last few years and the losses one right after the other of my Mom, Dad and Aunt and then my own family issues was crushing. I often felt as though I was gone and an alien had inhabited my body. I lost interest in many things that use to bring me joy.

There seems to be some scabbing on those emotional wounds now. In time with care most wounds heal. When you are looking at the open wound whether it is emotional or physical, you wonder if you will ever heal. The soreness and pain draw your attention and for a little while you lose sight of what life was like before the wound. Everything is focused on the pain and life becomes about controlling the pain. Nothing else matters.

Slowly, the healing begins. There is a smile or a laugh. Sometimes it is a split second of joy that shoots a spark and reminds you what it feels like to be pain free. Little spurts of joy begin to hang around you like pearls on a necklace and slowly life returns. Still being careful not to stretch too far and reopen the wound.

Wounds can conquer us if we let them. They can slow us and beat us if we allow it. Hurts happen every day and physical and emotional scars are what are left behind. If you are lucky you will have a couple of nurses to get you through and you will be back at life in no time, but if you are wounded and you are left on your own to heal, give yourself the grace of love. Give yourself the room and the air to heal and in time you too will remember who you are. In no time at all you will be hoisting the wound onto your back and getting back at life the way you remember it to be. You are resilient and you will heal.

Mad House

Spring is in the air. Warm air, sun and rain and birds chirping, it is all somewhat early for our part of the country but I am not complaining. I will take warm air and sunshine any day of the week. While nature is coming together in harmony my family is going mad. Not the crazy kind of mad, but the full out "You tick me off" kind of mad and apparently I am the bad guy…I mean really who else would be the problem? Its big mouthed mama, flapping her gums and getting everybody all riled up! Sorry, my southern roots are showing.

Youngest mad person: My youngest has decided she will now drive, which I think is great. The downside is she is in a full on quest to get her license and the only person that is available to ride with her as she works towards the drivers test, is me. Mark is working (YAY) and Aly is not old enough…that leaves me. On Saturday I rode along with my young chicklet to run some errands. Trying to do my co-pilot duties thoroughly I pointed out a few small errors along the way. The pressure between us was mounting and the final cork popper was a simple turn. There are two stories of how this turn went down and mine is the accurate one…I'm the Mom and head driving co-pilot so I am right.

Anyway, we are coming towards the corner where we need to turn and I say "Slow down", no response from the driver's seat, so I repeat, "Slow down" still no response, so as we turned the corner and I saw my life flash before my eyes I screamed "SLOW DOWN!!!". What happened next is what turns families from normal to dysfunctional, it was an emotional brawl with each of us blaming the other and there was a significant amount of yelling. It all ended with me in the driver's seat taking us home and my youngest daughter's weekend cut short.

Next I have the middle daughter, who has been working on 12 scholarship forms which are all due the end of this week. She has gripped and complained about the information they are asking, the size of the lines and endless issues about things that we cannot control and many before her have dealt with, including my oldest daughter. I have explained to her that everyone has gone through this and that the idea is to focus on the scholarship its self. I have pointed out issues that I have seen that she might want to address and her response was practically a repeat of the whole "SLOW DOWN event from Saturday. Her call to arms was to tell that me "I am 17 MOM! I know what I am doing!" Like I would suddenly wake up and say "Oh my gosh, 17 already? Where did the time go? I am so sorry you should be raising yourself now, my bad!" I am 52 and I have a lot more life time under my belt tootsie, so suck it up and listen. Better yet, I will shut up and in a few years when you are paying your school loan and complaining, I will just stare at you.

Finally, my husband…a good man, a big heart and very mad at me. I have put the hammer down about this basement remodel project and this was received like all the other advice and guidance of the last few days.

I am sorry, but I cannot take an unorganized kayos. I also feel like my stress about the dust level and the lack of real energy is fair. I have offered to help, I have suggested we hire someone and I have tried to keep quiet (big job). Nothing has worked to move things forward so I stepped in with a vacuum and some Pledge to get things tidied up.

My families all excited about me "helping" when it is on their terms. The thing is that I too have skin in every one of their games and I do not care if you think I am right or how old you are or even if you do not want my help, I still have feelings and I still stand by you even on your worst day. The fact that for the last couple of weeks I have been the fall guy for teenagers that wait until the last minute to jump on board with driving and teenagers that believe that 17 is a ripe age of knowledge has me mad now. Plus to be honest I am feeling like what I consider to be real issues with our remodel project are treated like unimportant items. My input and comments are unwelcome and it is as though, once again I am the problem.

Perhaps I am over sensitive, but it would be nice if this mad house would accept some responsibility for the way things are playing out. I will give you the fact that I am a reactionary…that is a no brainer…however, it does take two. I just want to climb back in my bed with a magazine and my puppy princess Roxanne and have a sick day. To top it off, now I am MAD!

Birthday Memories

Yesterday was my Mom's birthday. In May of this year my Mom will have been gone 4 years and I am still not completely healed from the lack of having a mother and I am really not sure if I ever will be.

 Yesterday we (Me, Mark and all three of our girls) celebrated the day with a dinner of Chinese food, because my Mom loved Chinese food. After dinner we came home to a homemade Bumpy Cake that I made. The cake was delicious but it looked terrible, which you can see for yourself below.

 I know that my Mom loved me and I also know that she did the best she could. Mothering is not an easy job and honestly as much as I loved my Grandma, I know she was not a good mother and really offered little decent training in child rearing…I can say that because I spent most of my formative years living with my Grandparents.

 Yesterday as I spent time with my girls, I realized that getting it right when it comes to child rearing is not easy. For every step forward there is most often a step back. I spent much of my life trying to get my Mom to notice me and then the rest of my life wondering if she really loved me. The one thing I took away from that experience of searching for my Mom's love is that all my own girls really need from me is my love. They will do any number of things that will drive me crazy and in the end as long as they know they are loved and accepted in spite of our head butting and differences of opinion, they will be fine. Life is tough enough and finding love is elusive…I never want my children to have to question my love for them.

There were a few tears yesterday and they were all mine. Tears of sadness that I never had with my Mom what my girls and I have and tears of joy that I have the relationship I have with my girls. We can get flat out knock down drag out mad at each other and know that when the chips are down we are each other's safest place to fall. I never doubt their love for me and I hope they never ever doubt my love for them. The truth is that I continue to celebrate and remember my Mom, because despite what she did not offer me as a Mom, she made up for in helping me become who I am today. I love that I have her quirky sense of humor and I love that that same sense of humor came from both my maternal grandparents. I also love that I have a sensitive tender hearted side that has taught me to love God's creatures and appreciate nature and quiet.

 I also have a white hot temper if you make me mad and the ability to argue like a lawyer when you push me…that might not seem like an upside, but it is a part of the overall family package. Just like any combo pack, you have to take the good with the bad.

 Happy Birthday Miss Mary, your gift of humor and inappropriate comments lives on and I guarantee that it will live for generations, because your granddaughters are living proof. If nothing else we can all see the funny in the most unfunny of places and we also can laugh at ourselves which is a great gift all on its own. May you rest and be at peace and someday I will share with you a slice of this hideous looking but insanely delicious cake. I LOVE you Mom!

Ugly, but delicious Bumpy Cake…
Someone needs to work on her glazing, but still MMM MMM GOOD!

Dust to Dust

If you think back to early in the week, I was complaining about DIY projects and my husband's absolutely horrible idea of electric sanding spackling. You might also remember me describing the cloud of dust that ran up my basement stairs and quietly inhabited every corner of our upstairs living space…BLACGH! Hachew! Yesterday, I finally had time to take back my upstairs living area from this silent menace.

This is the back of a frame, you will note the finger swipe
to the right which shows the original color was black...if you look even closer
you can see that my cats have taken over and are now prancing on everything!

 Essentially I knew I could no longer take looking out over my dining room and living room and seeing that powdery glaze resting comfortable on every service in sight. It was driving me mad! The cleaning process was not pretty, I swept and dusted, wiped off, wiped under, vacuumed and moped all day. I battled those tiny little dust bunnies and beat them back until they could do nothing but surrender. Throughout the battle I was as positive as one can be when they are involved in something that they are not thrilled with, but know it must be done. Honestly, I was happy to be cleaning up the evidence, it was complicating my relationship with my man. I would look at the dust sneer and then think bad things about my husband. That is never a good thing for a relationship.

 As I was cleaning I became very hungry so I stopped to have lunch. I enjoyed a small slice of Southwest Chicken Lasagna, (leftover from the night before) and then my sweet tooth was hankering for a little something too. I spied on the counter a package of Heads and Tails Oreo's and my heart skipped a beat. On Thursday night I had been driven to the grocery store by my youngest Avery (long story that I will share later, but she is suddenly VERY interested in driving). On our drive there we were talking about the recent 100^th birthday of the Oreo. Avery had a very bad experience when she decided to try the honorary Birthday Oreo, they were a huge disappointment and at least for Avery, they were not what the tummy ordered…AT ALL!

 I being curious and always wanting to try things for myself went searching the store for the Birthday Oreo's. Sadly for me, there were no Birthday Oreo's to be found, but I did find Heads and Tails Oreo's which made me smile and also made me more curious then I was about the Birthday Oreo's. I love regular Oreo's (except for the embarrassing black tooth goo they leave behind) and I love the vanilla Oreo's too, so I decided our family would celebrate the cookies birthday with the Heads and Tails Oreo's. One side of the cookie was yummy chocolate and the other side yummy vanilla…oh boy! So anyway, I see these cookies looking up at me from the counter and I just could not help myself. I had to have one, and then another and another. These cookies were so delicious and they were also healing. Suddenly my happy place was alive and I was ready to return to my cleaning.


No words can describe this delicious cookie properly...


I still have the basement to reclaim from these dusty villains, but I know now that when I am overwhelmed and feeling like there is no end in sight I have a new little friend that will be waiting for me. A new little friend that is sweet and delicious…mmmmmmm, I love it here in my happy place.

Sharing Recipes

It is time I come clean…it is not pretty, but the truth is I lie to my friends. Actually I lie all the time. So much so that now they do not even blink when I tell them I will get the recipe to them, it is just a given that I won't and they flat out have stopped even asking. I will go on and on about a delicious recipe and promise to get the recipe to them and then NOTHING. It is so bad that now they just listen and then change the subject, because my compulsion to lie is just awkward and uncomfortable for all of us.

Today I am posting my recipe from dinner last night, it was fabulous and when I went to work out with my girlfriends this morning I said "I am going to tell you about this YUMMY recipe and I promise to send it to you, because I know I never do when I say I will." So since I am coming clean about the lying, I need to change my ways and there is no time like the present to make the change. Especially with this blockbuster recipe, so here goes…

Southwest Chicken Lasagna

This recipe is adapted from Healthy Homestyle Cooking by Evelyn Tribole M.S, R.D.

The recipe is modified from an original to decrease the fat from 28 grams to 12 the cholesterol from 165 to 86 and best of all the calories from 553 per serving to 410! Plus it is so yummy!!

Noodles: 10 oz package lasagna noodles (I used the boil free kind to save time, they are thinner but they work great, I lined four up side by side in my 9x13 pan.)

Cottage Cheese mixture:

4 egg whites lightly beaten

3 cups fat free or low fat cottage cheese

3 Tablespoons canned diced green chilies

 

Lasagna:

1 cup chopped onions

1 sweet red or green pepper, chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

2 (10 ¾ oz.) 99% fat free tomato soup (I ended up with Heart Smart…all I could find)

1 (10 oz.) Can of enchilada sauce

1 Tbl Chili Powder

1 tsp cumin

¼ tsp black pepper

4 cups chopped chicken torn into bite size pieces (I ended up drop four chicken breasts and a cup of salsa in a Crockpot in the morning…saved me time during prep and the chicken shredded quickly)

1 ½ finely shredded reduced fat sharp cheddar cheese

1 cup finely shredded reduced fat Monterey Jack cheese

 

Preparation:

Either boil your noodles or wait and just use the boil free kind (highly recommend, if you are a pasta purist I understand, I just though the recipe was labor intensive and wanted to cut myself some slack!)

 

To make cottage cheese mixture:

Stir together egg whites, cottage cheese, and chili peppers and set aside.

 

To make the lasagna:

Lightly spray (with no stick spray) a nonstick skillet and add the onions green or red peppers and garlic. Cook and stir over medium heat until tender.

 

Stir in the condensed soup, enchilada sauce, chili powder, cumin and black pepper. Bring to a boil, and then reduce heat. Simmer, uncovered, for 10 minutes stirring often.

 

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly spray 9 x 13 pan with no stick spray. To assemble lasagna, add a small amount of the sauce in bottom of pan then place four noodles in the pan. Spread half the cottage cheese mixture over the noodles. Top with half the sauce, two cups of the chicken and half of each of the cheddar and Monterey Jack cheeses.

 

Repeat with the remaining noodles, cottage cheese mixture, sauce mixture, chicken and cheeses. Cover with foil. Bake about 50 minutes or until bubbly. Let stand 15 minutes before cutting. (I made this ahead and popped it in the oven later and it worked great too!) ENJOY!!

Makes 8 servings

 

Fresh, not too complicated and DELICIOUS and the best part HEALTHY!! Who could ask for more? I hope that this gets me out of the dog house with my friends and I also hope that I can continue to share my recipes like a good friend should. Since I am busy sharing recipes I will throw one more at you…

 

Brown Sugar Bath Scrub

 

2 cups Brown sugar

1 cup white granulated sugar

1 Tbl Pure vanilla extract

1 Cup Sunflower oil (I found this at the grocery store)

 

Mix everything together and TA DA! I made this over the holidays and it received rave reviews from family and friends alike. It makes a lovely quick thoughtful gift for someone else or yourself. The best part is it makes your skin, feet and elbows feel like silk!

 

Phew, there, I feel better now that I have somewhat redeemed myself!!

 

 

 

 

 

Sunny Daze

I am not sure why, but our normally cold and chilly state has had the lightest mildest winter that I can ever remember. While everyone around me seems to be delighted, I am disappointed at the lack of snow and I am especially disappointed at the lack of snow days. I look forward to that phone call from the school system in the early hours of the morning telling me that it is too cold and dangerous to have school and everyone can turn off their alarms and go back to bed. This year we have had only one snow day which was last week and I have to say it was questionable. There was some rain and it was cold and they were worried about slippery roads. I honestly think the school district was throwing parents like me a bone.

Yesterday, our already weird weather took an even more amazing turn… it was 68 degrees and sunny. How is that possible? March 7^th is normally chilly, snowy and downright wintery. Everyone is gloomy and complaining about the cold and saying things like "When will winter ever end?" or "It's SO COLD!!" Instead everyone I ran into was in a sunny daze, smiling, cheerful and just plain giddy about the weather. I could just look about me at the stop lights as I was driving about and see the sunshiny happiness on all of my fellow drivers faces.

While I love my winter hibernation, there is something to be said for a good sunny daze that lulls you into a cheerful and pleasant mood. You find yourself acting like the mayor or a politician…smiling and waving at random people, lightly jogging out of the way of oncoming traffic with a little laugh and a smile and even being nice to the one mean person that is not a victim of the sunny daze.

While I have not given up on the hope of at least one more snow day, I have to admit yesterday was first runner up to a good snow day. I even popped my sun roof up for a little while just because I could. Those of you that hate winter might actually have a point, why slog through several feet of snow with boots and layer after layer of winter gear, when you can breeze out of the house in a t-shirt and jeans, throw on your sunglasses and enjoy a sunny daze?

DIY or DETAI

With a graduation party set to begin in four months, I am beginning to look around and panic at all the started projects that we are doing ourselves and wonder if we made the right choice. Right now my back yard has a Y shaped ditch the runs from the middle of my yard to the very back (can you say MUD?). I also have a basement that is still in the throes of what some like to call remodel, but I just call a big stressful mess. Dust, drop clothes and paint cans (and did I say dust?), abound in the area where I had hoped to serve food and refreshments. This brings me to the question of the day should we be Doing It Ourselves (DIY) or Don't Even Think About It? (DETAI).


This was mid project...the hole is covered
but the mud remains. It had to be done
and it saved us tons of cash, but my yard, my yard!!
BOO HOO HOO!!!


Last night when I opened the basement door to ask Mark a question a large cloud of dust ran up my basement stairs and settled it's self on everything in its path. In an attempt to speed along the DIY process my husband had decided to use an electric sander. I understand wanting to move this big job along, but this was not the answer; it felt like a bomb had gone off down there. I have not even attempted to go down there yet, because I know I am going to cry when I see the clean sheets that were folded on the dryer and all the various other items down there covered in a thick layer of more work…I mean dust. I have said several times that we should hand this over to a professional, but Mark is determined to finish the job, the problem is this job is going to finish me and if we are not careful it could polish off a marriage (that was added for dramatic effect, but you get the point).

 My backyard is a whole other problem. There are mounds of dirt in piles and tree branches in piles and I would be out there sobbing over all of it, but it is just too windy and muddy out there. All I keep thinking is how in the heck are we going to get it all done before the graduation party? I get the whole DIY thing, but when do you cut your losses and call in some back up? Perhaps I could pick up a volley ball set and we could offer mud volley ball as an activity at the Grad party.

 I think I am going to have to just push this DIY train up the hill and try to keep it on the track. We are short on time and I am short on patience and anxiety medication but we have no choice, the show must go on! I will probably need to sit down with my husband and have a serious talk about what I will turn into if this drags on much longer and gets too much closer to the party date with these projects piled around me. It has come down to me saying "You think I am driving you crazy now with my anxiety? You ain't seen nothing yet!" The next time I get an idea for a project around here and my hubby thinks he can handle it I am going to say "Don't even think about it!" I mean really, how much is a woman suppose to take anyway?

Red Ball, What Red Ball?

It's pretty bad when your own dog rats you out! I was eating dinner and minding my own business, while my family chatted away about their day and suddenly Roxanne (formerly my favorite dog) came prancing into the dining room with my red ball from church. You know the one, it filled me with anxiety, it made me think way to much about myself and I was not sure what I was going to do about it…yeah, that one.

After blogging yesterday I discreetly tossed that red ball and Roxanne went crazy over it. Roxanne had much more enthusiasm for the red ball and what she wanted to do with it then I had, how could I deprive her? She had a lively play date with the red ball and then promptly took a nap. I became busy getting dinner ready and doing several other household tasks and forgot all about feeding my church homework to my dog.

That's when Roxanne (formerly my favorite dog) decided to draw attention to her, and my red ball. Mind you I am the only one in the family that took a red ball, Mark was working at the church that day (show off!) and the girls were at a play that a friend was in (slackers), so I ended up pulling the weight of the whole family at church. Even with that my whole family turned on me and my youngest, Avery says "Oh my gosh Mom is that your church homework Roxanne is playing with?" I was caught red handed between my dog and the darn red ball…there was nowhere to turn I just looked at my plate and started to laugh. The laughing part is a terrible habit when I feel no guilt about something, but know I should feel guilt. So I was totally busted by my family and my dog.

Now I have a smashed and chewed red ball that requires my sincere energy and reflection. I spent a few moments last night trying to unsmoosh the red ball, but its lifeless roundness was not coming back. I have to take the time in the next few days to make an effort to pull this whole fiasco together. My integrity is in question because of the poor choice I made, and I have to redeem myself or at least make an effort to show I am actually trying to do my homework, the redemption thing is probably a lost cause, my family knows me to well now.

Roxanne is showing no remorse what so ever. She threw me under the red ball and trotted away quite pleased with herself. I have decided to release the anxiety about what the red ball means and roll with it (sorry I thought that was punny…ha ha ha!). What have I got to lose anyway in the end it's a big win for me to find a way to give back and at the same time learn something new about myself. Perhaps my formerly favorite dog (Roxanne) did me a favor? Na, she was only thinking about herself as usual!

The Red Anvil…I Mean Ball

 My continuing agenda of what do I want to do with myself and where do I go from here theme continues to continue. What is my purpose, where am I meant to go from here etc, etc? I learned long ago that when you do not take God's hint, he ups the ante, which he did at church this weekend.

 With a subtle but direct hit, I got the message. We were all asked to take a small red ball from a bin as we walked into the service. The sermon was about finding where you can give back and throughout the sermon it was emphasized that giving back does not have to hurt or make you uncomfortable. One of the best ways to give back is to do so through a talent or something you enjoy doing. I actually felt better hearing that, because I have tried to pigeon hole myself into objectives that I was not comfortable with in the past and then I would feel guilty that I did not have a passion for it. It was not a big win for anyone at that point, because my heart was not in it and I was not giving 100 %.

 Now I am not only trying to find myself and where to go from here with me, I am also going to have to search for how to fit myself into giving back at church. I cannot help but look at this red ball and instead of feeling empowered, I think about chucking it! In a few weeks we are to write on the red ball in Sharpie where we see ourselves using our passion and return the ball to church.

 GREAT! Now I am in a tail spin!! I cannot find myself and now I am searching not only for me for my own sake, but for God's sake too? Talk about pressure! This red ball which was meant to help me enlighten myself probably actually only weighs a few ounces, but to me it is a lead anvil. Every time I look at it (the red ball) I am reminded how totally uninspired I really am.

 Not only do I feel uninspired, I am feeling pressure. Could I possibly be the biggest loser ever? Maybe there is a reality show for uninspired biggest loser, where I could win big money for being the biggest uninspired loser and I could give some of the money to the church. Maybe I could…or…or even…

 That was my last few days, endless amounts of wondering where to go from here with no answers. In true uninspired fashion, I am now mad at myself which then transfers into being mad at everyone else and then eating anything I can find that seems the slightest bit comforting. At some point I might even eat this red ball. Yes, it is that bad!
So while God is having a good laugh at my expense, I am busy pretending like I know myself and trying to figure this whole thing out. Somewhere in this is an opportunity and once I am done with my snack, I am going to figure out what it is. In the mean time, maybe this red ball would entertain my puppy princess Roxanne….Hmmmm.

Does anyone know if you can go to hell if
your dog eats your church homework?

Today

Today I breathe

Today I step forward

Today I believe

Today I accept

Today I let go

Today I move past the past

Today I am defined by my integrity

Today I rest

Today I release the toxic people from my life

Today I explore new ideas

Today I know who I am

Today I breathe

Lost

I was part of a conversation recently where antidepressants were discussed. I will not lie to you I have been on antidepressants on and off for different reasons, starting with the baby blues after my middle daughter was born and my grandma died. From there it seemed easy to revert back to chemical solutions whenever things were too tough for me to handle. There was a point however when I realized that I did not like the person that I was when I was on antidepressants. I knew I was not myself and I preferred the not quite right me to the numb to life me better.

During the conversation about chemical solutions to depression I learned that I was not alone in my thinking. I know at the time the chemical choice for me was the only answer and I am glad that I did what I needed to do to function in my life. I have not used antidepressants in sometime and actually I do not plan on ever using them again, however if the time comes and I am faced with a need, I will.

All this brings me to my actual point, which is right now I am feeling adrift and lost. I do not recognize myself. I can feel myself pulling into my shell and avoiding interaction. This reminds me of when I was on antidepressants and I felt like I was not myself. I keep thinking it will pass but it does not. Could this be fallout from all the recent stress of job loss, and child rearing with the people around me dying and estate stuff as the cherry on top? Is it possible that I am just becoming withdrawn because life has just punched me one too many times?

There was a time when I might have punched back, but I just do not have the energy to even take a swing. I am pushing myself to interact and continue to be what I have always been, but it is hard. I feel lost and I am searching for the me I want to be. This floaty uninvolved feeling is just not suiting me I know I can do better than this.

The antidepressant conversation helped make me aware that life hits many of us hard. You might think no one else feels like you do or that you are all alone, but that is the part of depression that hurts us the most, when you lose the ability to see things as they really are. At the time nothing seems the slightest bit possible and all hope is lost. With the chemical solution you regain your ability to slog through the sadness and keep putting one foot in front of another. The fact that you are not who you normally are really does not matter at that point.

I am no longer numb to life by chemicals I am numb to life by life. Maybe the answer is not to avoid life, but get back at it. Instead of remaining lost I need to just ask for some directions. Today the conversation should be about looking for me and accepting the changes that have taken place in my life. Maybe I am not lost at all, maybe I have changed and I am just different. There is no chemical solution for being different or lost, that is just part of life and you adapt and move on.