Monday, September 30, 2013

Life's Buffet

This Friday we have a floor refinishing company coming. We will have our living room and dining room, hallway and one bedrooms floor refinished. Ours is not a large house, they will refinish a little over 500 square feet. Before the work can begin we must move all of the furniture out of those areas. This task has been dangling like a noose around my neck. While I am delighted that after 17 years we can finally redo our floors the basically moving out part, does not delight me.

Because I like to make things interesting and somewhat more stressful, I have plans to fly to Connecticut on Thursday to see my oldest daughter. Sooooo, I must clean the garage, then get the furniture into the garage (with my husband’s help of course) do my normal motherly/wifely duties and pack to leave. My husband and daughter will be living in our basement for a few days since we have a walkout basement. I will return on Sunday for a couple more days of basement living with my loved ones and then finally put everything back in the house and hopefully live a more calm life. Hahahahaha, I know that was funny right?

I am constantly in awe of the fact that I like to pack so much into my life. I suppose it is not a totally bad thing other, then the stress. I watch people shove way more into their lives; I just cannot imagine how they do it. Is it worth it? I am not sure; do you gain more by being a busy person? I use to tell my husband that life is a buffet and I can never decide what I want, so I choose it all. Now I am not so sure. I wonder if I just do not like any empty moments. I know I like my writing time and my quiet time sitting on my deck, but I am happiest when I have something going on, something to plan, some place to be or task to accomplish.


This week, I get all three…yippee! I have plenty going on. I have to figure out how to put all of this furniture in my garage, I am leaving for Connecticut and I have to accomplish it all before I leave for the airport early Thursday afternoon. So I might as well get going and stop letting this noose stress me out. It’s a noose of my own making and if I just get busy it will disappear. This my friends, is going to be one heck of a fun week. 

Friday, September 27, 2013

Coffee Time


Our little dog Louis loves coffee time. Ever since he was a little puppy he would have “time for coffee” with our daughter Ashleigh. Although he lives with us now he still looks forward to this special time of the day. He will follow you and watch your every move in anticipation of you sitting somewhere comfy where he can join you and snuggle. Some mornings he is running in front of you looking back, wagging his tail, with his eyes lit up, hoping any minute you will say “Time for coffee” and take a seat.

I admire his perseverance. I also am amazed at how everyday is the best time for coffee he has ever had. So much so that each day he is patiently waiting for his chance to sit and enjoy a few moments once again. I marvel at this little dog and his admiration and love. It never yields. He is ready to jump up on the chair and snuggle at just the mention of coffee time, in spite of any scolding’s that may have happened previous. Those moments are all forgotten when it is time to be with someone he loves.

I wish that my mind could easily transition from frustration or exasperation with a loved one to excitement and desire to spend time with them. How easy it is for me to get stuck in the negative feelings I have and drag out my attitude much longer than I need to. Somehow this little dog has figured out that it is better to enjoy the moment when it comes, in spite of what has passed. His delight at the opportunity to sit near and love unconditionally never wanes.

I will never be able to be as unconditional as Louis; my tail wagging skills are weak. My ability to forgive and forget is weaker still some days. I will say that it is nice to know that on a day when I am the least lovable there is a furry little being that just plain loves me anyway. No expectations except a warm lap and a blanket too if it is not too much trouble. Did someone say “Time for Coffee?”



Thursday, September 26, 2013

Out with the Old

This morning I set out with the plan of writing at our local coffee shop. This shop is a coffee chain shop, but we all love it and you never leave there without seeing someone you know. This morning it is closed. After months of knowing it was being turned into a different chain shop the anticipation was that this coming Sunday would be their last day. It hit me hard to see all the windows papered up so you cannot see inside. It was also sad to know that I could not say hi to all me favorite people who worked there.

I had hoped for one more chance to chat with the friends I had made there, get the local scoop, write and soak up the familiar sounds and smells one last time. Driving up to see the papered windows hit me hard. Somehow I felt like I had let them all down because I was not there to give them a proper send off. I certainly was not their most loyal customer and I am sure that none of them were too worried that they did not hear from me, but my mind goes to weird places and so off I trotted to guilty town.

This shop will reopen in a few weeks (at least that is what they had told us) as a new shop and supposedly with the same crew, so things are not all bad, but I mourn the familiar. I will miss the easy comfortable place that was once there. I hope that when the new store opens I will be able be comfortable as I was before.

Change is always good, but hard to take whether it is expected or not. Things being the same are a very comfortable place to be and when the usual sameness is disrupted; we take a step back and remember what we are and who we are. If we are open the new whatever it is can be even better. If nothing else the new is a chance to stretch who we are and maybe even become even better ourselves.


Let us all now take a sip of coffee and toast to the future!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Breaking Stereo Type

Last night I went to a football game at our local middle school. I know nothing about football and I never go to games, but this one was special. A friends daughter is playing 8th grade football this year and I wanted to be there to cheer her on. I was in awe of her determination to play. She had told her Mom it was something she really wanted to do and she knew that there would be no position she would fit in on the high school team, so if she did not play this year, she would never get the chance. She just wanted to play football, so she did.

I’m not sure what middle school was like for you, but for me it was horrible. Kids were mean. Middle school kids always seem to think they are a lot smarter and more grown up than they really are. Middle school kids also want everyone to act and dress the same, if you do not conform, you do not belong. Because of this issue, I was even more in awe of my friend’s daughter who did not care what other people thought; she was more interested in playing football than following the crowd. Very mature stuff for a middle school girl, don’t you think?

I have been thinking a lot about how often as an adult I am swayed by what others do and think. I spend a lot of my life trying to please the crowd and make everyone happy only to end up disappointed and unhappy myself. Here comes this 13 year old girl with the confidence and maturity to think through a plan and play football in spite of others and how they might think and feel. I hang my adult head in shame.

I asked my friend if the team had given her daughter a hard time and she said they had not. My friend told me as far as she could tell everyone on the team had been supportive of her daughter. The team supporting this young girl was a big deal too. Imagine her experience if she had not been accepted by her teammates. Another bunch of middle school kids breaking stereo type.


I learned yesterday that no matter how old you are you can change. You do not have to follow the crowd; you can break loose and blaze your own trail. You just make a plan, hold your head high and go for it. Sometimes when you look out over your sea of life all you see is endless time and you assume that you will be able to make a change later or follow a dream another day. But this mature young lady reminded me yesterday that you should never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. She also reminded me that determination and drive can be something anyone can have at any age.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Text and a App

I received this text yesterday from a friend and reader of my blog,

“Since you have a tech savvy family…consider at dinner having them bring their phones out and open up their note app and get them to make a list. Though paper is my favorite maybe they will do it when we speak their language.”

I read that and thought “That is a great idea!” So last night at dinner before anyone could excuse themselves and get away from me, I asked them to get their phones and we made a list. The kicker is that there were only four things on it, that’s right FOUR. I was blathering on and on about my crabbiness because of four things. Granted they are big things, but still not significant enough to be going all Loony Tunes about. 

Here is the list:

  1. 1.       Paint Avery’s room         (Mark started this last night)
  2. 2.      Clean Garage         (I am avoiding this)
  3. 3.      Put ALL the Furniture in the Garage          (AGH! What a pain! This is so we can have our wood floors redone next week)
  4. 4.      Pack             (Mark and Avery and our dogs and cats will have to live in the basement while they work on our floors. For the first part of this basement time I am lucky enough to be heading to Connecticut to visit my oldest, Ashleigh. This is probably for the best. Anyway, I have to pack to go out of town; they have to pack because they cannot get to their things once the floor re-finishers start on the floors.)

So that’s it those four measly things had my panties in a bunch. Somehow having that on paper (actually in a note app) in everyone’s view made me feel a small sense of relief. The rest of the relief comes when the list is completed and our house is finally put back together.


Obviously these are petty little problems and I was all panty bunched for no reason. It happens, what can I say? I just go psycho and want everyone to think and act like me when I am stressed. Fortunately my friend reached out to me and stopped me from pushing the family over the edge. Technology at its best, one text and an App saved a family from further distress. It was a good day.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Annoyed, Cranky and Crabby

I am annoyed. I am crabby. I am plain cranky! I really have a stock pile of reasons that I feel this way. It could be my longing for a family list of things we need to accomplish. It could be my youngest daughter’s irritable mood each time I have to take her shopping for anything, including a Homecoming dress this last weekend. I know… a girl that does not like to shop? Right? It might also be the fact that the same daughter is snarky and is becoming somewhat demanding and it is pushing me past the edge of decent parenting. I seriously want to chase her down the street with a broom yelling SCAT!

The family list thing is because we have so many things we all want to accomplish around the house and they are all in my head spinning around like a cotton candy machine. Just like cotton candy the more it spins, the bigger it all gets until I am overwhelmed, annoyed, crabby and cranky! Fun stuff huh? Makes ya want to move right in doesn't it? I have mentioned a list, asked to sit down and talk about a list and even yelled I NEED A LIST TO GET THIS ALL OUT OF MY HEAD! Guess what, no list. Looks like I am on my own for the list.

The girl that does not like to shop thing, well it was bound to happen. My children cannot all end up with my shopping gene. I am assuming that after a while some gene’s just thin out. There most certainly were not enough to go around. To make matters worse, I would enable my youngest for many years by bringing things home that I thought she would like. I did this for me, not for her. Taking her shopping was like taking someone to the guillotine. There was a lot of stress, hostility and sometimes some holding onto door frames and to be honest it made shopping unpleasant. Reality hit me recently. I am sending this nonshopping chick out on her own fairly soon and she has no shopping skills at all. I have to step up, bite the bullet and take her out to shop…AGH!

And so we went, yesterday, with a plan to find a Homecoming dress. For most young ladies this is fun and exciting, for my daughter it was painful. She started out with a long list of what she would not try on. I then explained to her by doing that she would end up at Homecoming wrapped in paper towel. Most of what she did not want to wear was all they had on the racks. At one point she was so unpleasant I sent her off on her own to look while I hid in another department with my husband wishing I could run off and leave her. Later I slowly made my way to the dressing room and asked if she wanted me to see what she was trying on. With much difficulty she accepted my offer. There she stood looking forlorn and unpleasant one dress after the other until the door opened and there she stood in the dress I knew she liked. It was easy to tell, because she did not open the door and state “NO”.
The fun part was it was a dress that had previously been listed as unacceptable, and she was pleased with it. I had to tell her in the car that when you state an adamant no to things, you cut yourself off from opportunity when it knocks. Sometimes it’s a good idea to give things a try. My advice sunk in for once, can you believe it? We have a dress, PHEW!


I just need to get myself together. This snarky girl is a sweetheart; it is not like her to be a royal annoying pain. I also know that I am a list maker and that is what I need to do. Tonight at dinner when I have my husband and daughter hostage, I will whip out a pencil and paper and HA, force them to help me with my list! I am just feeling overwhelmed and with a little support and understanding from these two people (who are way too much alike sometimes), I should be less cranky tomorrow…OR, they could be running down the street as I chase them with a broom.   

Friday, September 20, 2013

Operating System Update

My phone just had an operating system update. As I waited for the update to download yesterday, I thought about what an update would be like if I had one. Just yesterday I was complaining about being out of control busy and wishing I could get a handle on the situation, now I am wondering if I could get a system update too.

Would I be more in control of how many times I agreed to do things I do not have time for? Could the update help me with my hairstyle, perhaps make me trendier? If I could have an update would my wardrobe update automatically? The ideas are endless.


Obviously, I am on my own. There is no operating system update for people. We are all so different and as difficult as some of those differences are sometimes those differences make us unique and individual. I may be too busy or I may need to take off some weight, but changing those things is all within my own control. It just requires me to be honest with myself and instead of complaining about what I do not like, downloading some positive reinforcement into my life. Connecting to people that appreciate me and want me to succeed at whatever I choose to do is the best update I can do. My phone is updated and now it is my turn. 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

CRAZY Busy

I have finally realized…okay that is a lie. I have known and ignored for a very long time that I have to be busy all the time or I get depressed. Its nuts but that’s who I am. The major trouble with my issue is that I sometimes become so busy that nothing I do is complete or done well. Being extremely busy also makes everything in my life rush by as I hurry here and there and try to get all my business done.

I have so much crammed into the next three weeks that my head feels like it is going to pop off. How do you teach yourself to savor life and slow down? What makes a person crave constant activity? Several years ago a friend pointed this issue out to me and I thought she was crazy. “What are you talking about?” I said. My dear friend replied “You are happier when you are busy, I can see that, can’t you? I stepped back looked and realized that she was right. I like planning and keeping busy it is who I am. I accept that now, it is just that I would like to temper the busy with a little less crazy.

My busy thermometer will go down towards the end of October, but in the mean time…my house is upside down. We have no furniture other than a recliner in our living room while we wait to have our wood floors refinished. Why drag furniture in when you will have to drag it out soon. I have endless creative ideas that I am implementing throughout my house that I stop and start on at will, hoping to finish by the time our floors are redone so everything looks “just so” at the end of it all. Just for fun, I also have six yards of mulch to put into my yard. I did some work on this yesterday and I will be back at it today. I had to stop working in my yard yesterday so that I could make dinner for myself and Avery (my youngest). Mark is out of town and I like to savor the alone time with my youngest when I can. I then had to shower and prepare to run a meeting about our high school seniors all night party at the end of the year. Just one more thing on my list of THINGS I GOTTA DO!


You can see that being busy is all self inflicted. I see it and you see it yet, my hand is the first to go up and mouth is the first one to flap its gums.  I then come home confess to my family and hang my head while they just shake theirs. It is a little game we play it’s not pretty, but until I decide crazy busy is too busy, this will be my life. I suspect that I will live like this through the remainder of this school year. Rushing and busy and lapping up every single moment with my youngest daughter that I can. Apparently this is what makes me happy.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Life, when you are NOT looking

Someone I love has Breast Cancer. They have told me that they are feeling confident, but frightened. They have also told me all the facts and information that they know about their form of Cancer. Although they were concrete, stoic and composed, I still broke down when I hung up the phone. I have been sitting inside my brain with this information since last night
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Life just keeps happening when you are not looking. It always makes me question the choices that we make to be healthy and safe. Eating right by purchasing organic vegetables and products, exercising and wearing our safety belt are just a few things we think of to keep ourselves safe, yet things sneak in, Cancer, a drunk driver, a heart attack and life changes…immediately.

I am sad, I am not a cynical person but knowing someone that I love will be fighting a mighty foe, makes sad. I am also questioning all the efforts we take to protect ourselves when anything can sneak up and change the course you thought you were on. I will not be foolish enough to claim it is not fair, but I will say that it sucks! Not a nice word, I know, but it does.
This life we have, the ONE life we have, is fragile and if you are like me you forget that. I get caught up in my everyday foolishness with my daughter’s messy room or the dog that keeps getting into the trash and my sense of what is important turns in the wrong direction. 

Moments like I experienced last night immediately correct my life’s compass. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you realize that your compass is out of whack, that moment when someone you love or even you are faced with something bigger than you can wrap your mind around. These are the moments when you soften the tone of your voice, hold someone a little longer and remind yourself that if something does not get done its okay.

I really do not think it possible to ever get this lesson. I feel all these feelings now, but soon my minds compass will turn and I will forget again. I will jump back into life and begin insisting on clean rooms and following all the rules. I’ll rush here and there and get mad about something ridiculous and I will continue these habits until once again, life happens when I’m not looking and I will stop in my tracks, shake my head and remember that I have been here before.


Someone I love has Breast Cancer and life has swept them up into a new direction. I will be here. I will pray, I will believe and I will remember what is really important. These are things I can do. Life, dirty, messy wonderful life keeps happening, chocked full of stuff that is awesome and stuff that sucks and we all just have to make our way through all the life that happens when we are not looking.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Facebook

It is one of those days. I have been racking my brain and poking around for something to write about and nothing is coming to mind. I am empty headed. Some days are like that I get all set in my writing chair, pull out my computer and sit. Then I stare and pet my dogs and pet my cat. Next I stare out the window, check my email and sadly I admit I go on Facebook
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Facebook is a problem for me. I like being connected to many friends from different parts of my life. I like reading the inspiring quotes and the happy goings on of my friends. I do not like that I have accepted “friends” on Facebook that I really do not want to be friends with or that feel that I need to know their very strong opinions about things like politics. For the record, believe what you want to believe, live like you want to live, but do not pound your fist of my Facebook page about these things. I want to be your friend, but when you are disrespectful to our president or point out a friend that you are angry with or even assume that your faith and your religion are stronger or better than anyone else’s I start to question our friendship.

I say all of these things, yet I am bored and then I click on Facebook. Not once a day or even twice, but ten or fifteen times a day. Many of those times, I become aggravated because one of my so called friends has stepped across my boundaries. I do this to myself and I can blame no one but me. Even though I know when I click the little Facebook icon I am probably going to be annoyed…CLICK and then AGH!

Obviously I have a problem. This mindless form of entertainment is not worth this much of my time. Actually maybe my coming out to you about this will help me check myself. Nah, that’s a lie. I am full out addicted. This is crazy if you knew you were uncomfortable in a pair of shoes, would you keep wearing them? Of course not! I am uncomfortable on Facebook and I still try it on everyday…ALL day.

I am going to spend the next few days stepping back from this bane of social media. I do not care to be constantly swept up into the meaningless nonsense and I certainly do not want to know what crazy wackadoddle things you think about really important stuff. It just makes me not like you and then we cannot be “friends”.


You see, just when I thought my brain was empty of any thoughts I surprise myself with some random rant. You are so lucky you happened to check in at The Deeper Pond today. Sorry you stepped into the shallow end.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Man I was Meant to Meet

I have been married 21 years today. There have been good times and bad times and this will just have do, times. Every single phase we have made our way through has helped us become a better couple. I knew the moment I met my husband that I would marry him. I was not even looking for marriage at that point in my life, but when I met my husband I knew I had met someone I could trust, who had integrity and who was genuine. We were meant to meet.

We are not perfect, we argue. Most often we argue because neither of us is willing to admit the other might be right. We are both quite certain the other is wrong until one or the other proves differently and by then the aggravation level is so high that it is too hard to give in and the difference of opinion dangles in the air much longer than necessary. That’s who we are and we have learned to make it work.

We have always said that we will never walk away from our commitment to each other. On those days when that promise seems the hardest to keep, I have found that I have to look the hardest at myself. It is easy to dig in your heels and see where the other person is wrong, but many times it is when you lean into the mirror and take a good hard look, that you notice that you are the one standing on the wrong side. I have to be honest that I have looked in that mirror way too many times.

There is no perfect marriage. When we walk into a marriage we all walk in with our own suitcases filled with clothes, but we also have baggage that we bring that includes all of our families “stuff” and any extra “stuff” we pick up along the way. Many times the quirks and personality traits that draw you into the relationship are the very same quirks and traits that later drive you nuts. My husband made me laugh. I thought my husband was the funniest person I had ever met, than I married him. This may shock you, but his idea of funny will many times now push me right over the edge. “Seriously”, I will say, “do you really think you need to be funny right now?”


Somehow all tangled up in the crazy relationship marriage creates is a bond that is hard to break. I still respect my husband’s integrity, I still believe he is genuine and I trust him implicitly. Even after 21 years of his sense of humor I would be lying if I said I did not like it. Who can possibly think laughing is a bad think, even if it means you have to laugh at yourself. 21 years is just the beginning of the rest of a great life and I am so happy to share this life with the man I know I was meant to meet.


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Reflections

Twelve years ago today, we were all stunned by the attack on the twin towers in New York City. Many of us watched in horror as the events unfolded. Hour after hour our hearts were wrenched with fright, sadness, and worry. I do not want to jump on the bandwagon and wave an American Flag and pose as if my world was dramatically affected by the terrorist attacks. Other than the small inconveniences and the need to stay tuned into the news, my life went on as usual, except for, disbelieve, worry and sadness.

Even today my heart reflects on the moment I saw the towers hit. For some reason that morning I had the television on as I cleaned my house. Normally, I would avoid morning television, but that day I had turned it on and saw the horrific events unfold one right after the other. I remember calling my Mom to make sure she was okay and telling her I loved her. I talked to my neighbor and waffled back and forth with her about whether or not to pick up our children from school. Somehow it felt like we needed to gather our loved ones together and hang onto them. Threads of our normal were slipping away and holding our children seemed like a way to keep everything as it had been before that morning. Today, twelve years later I still remember every detail of that day.


I cannot imagine that life will not stop for a moment for each of us today. Every single American learned that we are vulnerable that morning twelve years ago. We all learned that our lives are fragile and precious and easily lost when we least expect it. We also learned that strong spirit and belief in the good in others can heal. We learned that hard things help us change and that sadness turns into strength. Mainly we learned that life changes on a dime and small inconveniences are nothing. Waiting in a line, stuck in traffic and even running out of milk are nothing when you know that tonight, you can hug the ones you love. Today is a good day to say an extra I love you and take a moment or two to remember those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001.  

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Sometimes the smallest Things Hurt the Most

It was a simple question, but it is an old wound. This morning I asked my husband if he had sent a birthday card to our niece, his Goddaughter. This card is eight days overdue, but as is our custom here, my husband takes care of his family and I take care of mine when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and family events. It is a system put in place after years of me basically making him look good while he did nothing. Over time I started to resent all the time and energy I put into something that should be my husband’s responsibility.  Let’s face it, his parents did not raise me, I did not grow up with his siblings and his Godchildren’s parents asked him to be a Godfather, not me. In the end he gets pats on the back for doing nothing but carrying the title of Son, brother and Godfather and I did not like that arrangement.

Many years ago when I had asked that we put this plan in place, I was shocked and hurt when I learned that my husband sent out a Mother’s Day card to his Mom, only signing his name and not mine or our daughters names. I was hurt and also alarmed that my husband’s Mom would think I was a total jerk and not interested in celebrating her special day. There was no way to stop the whole mess since the card had already been put in the mailbox.  This was wound #1. I was embarrassed, hurt and hopping mad! Because of this fiasco 16 years ago, I now ask if my husband signed my name almost every single time he sends something out. This has caused wound #2 since now my husband is on the defensive about my constant question “Did you sign my name?” whenever he sends a card or package.

Now these two wounded people, are in a small dispute because this morning I asked, “Did you sign my name?” when I asked about our nieces birthday card. When my husband pointed out how annoyed he was (there may have been a sharp terse tone) that I continue you to ask this tired old question. My panties immediately became twisted and I pointed out (in an equally terse tone with maybe some anger) that if I am not asked to sign the card, I just want to know for sure. I also added (because I tend to not let things go) that some things (hurts) just never go away.


I know that if I just release my need to know how my husband takes care of his responsibilities, I will also release myself from the same noose. 16 years is a long time to worry about whether or not I get credit for a card or a gift. If I really want him to handle it then I really cannot stand over him policing how he handles it. If I am going to do that than why did I hand it to him in the first place? After 16 years I am ready to heal this wound and let it go. It was a simple question, but in the end is it worth wounding over?

Monday, September 9, 2013

Strengthening Muscles

Last Wednesday I started a total body conditioning class that runs Mondays and Wednesday at 6:00 AM until 7:00 AM at my local Parks and Recreation Department. Since it was also the first day of the school year, I only stayed for the first half of the hour long class. My desire to be home and get a picture of my youngest on the first day of her last year of high school preempted my desire to be fit. I could not be two places at once.

This class is intense. There is lunging and jumping jacking, weight lifting and band stretching. It is a nonstop hard core, everything is going to hurt workout. My measly half hour of working out that first morning left me feeling sorry for the women that did not leave after a half hour…every part of me was sore. After one half hour I was already feeling like I had never before used a single muscle in my body.

This morning I shared my pain with the instructor and the rest of the class. I also shared with them how I marveled at their bravery for returning. I felt I had barely made it out alive and they had hung in there for the whole hour. They all laughed at me and said they had been sore too, but having the weekend to recover had helped. Then we got down to business and worked out. Towards the end of class, the instructor shared that no matter how sore we were, we should keep coming. That when we skipped class thinking we were helping ourselves heal we were only making it worse. She also said that by hanging in there and keeping at it the workout would get easier and the pain would subside.

I thought about what our instructor had said on the way home. Isn't that how life works too? If you hang in there and keep at it, almost anything will get easier the new job, the stressful family situation, dealing with a difficult person. I have always told my girls that the tough stuff in life is there to teach us and if we don’t walk through it, it will come back around again until we learn the lesson. I realized this morning that the tough stuff in life builds are emotional muscle. That by staying at it and making your way through it and not skipping it, we build ourselves into people that have the strength to handle most anything.


I am determined to stick with this class for the remaining seven weeks. I am not going to lie and tell you I like being sore, but I will tell you I do feel good about the accomplishment. It is two hours out of my week that is teaching me that the hard stuff can pay off. I am strengthening my emotional and physical muscles and the pain is worth it.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Window on the World

I am looking through brand new shiny windows. After 16 years of dingy not so great windows, I’m enjoying a new clear view. I survived four window men traipsing through my house, endless banging and mess everywhere and it was worth it all! I have a new window on the world.

It’s funny how our perspective changes as we make our way through things. You start out with anxiety, go a little way in and realize it is not so bad. You keep working your way through, cringe a little at random difficult moments and you end up on the other side of the tough stuff. Looking back you see where you came from and you are amazed at what you have accomplished. What seemed impossible turns to possible and you made it that way.

Sometimes putting up with a rough patch turns into a personal heroic moment. You learn all about who you are and what you can handle. Obviously, getting windows does not make me a hero, but I am proud of myself for not letting the stress of the chaos overwhelm me. I just hung in there and focused on the end result.

Today as I gaze outside I can see more clearly. I am not focused on the window and what is wrong with it; I am focused on the beauty that is outside, the sun, the flowers and the blue sky. It’s a new window on my world and I have a clear view.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Upside Down and Crazy

I’m anxiously waiting this morning. I’m excited and nervous. All these emotions are for the new windows that will be put in my home today. My home is 42 years old and our windows are the original windows. These windows are way overdue to be replaced so I am excited. My anxiety comes from my house being in an upheaval. I have removed all the window treatments, moved furniture out of the way and now I wait…in this turmoil. This is something I am not good at, AT ALL!

Heaps and piles make me crazy. I prefer things somewhat organized. I married a man who shoves things away, so often times my anxiety becomes peaked when I walk into my pantry, garage, my husband’s work room or his office or even open my closet and find miscellaneous items that do not belong there dangling on the edge of a shelf. However, out in the open, it is usually somewhat orderly.

Moments ago the window installer called to let me know that they would arrive around noon or 1:00 PM. Are you kidding me? How am I going to not go completely insane staring at this mess and not being able to do anything about it? Perhaps since I am not a window installer I am imagining that the time it takes to install windows is longer than it really is. In my mind, I am now thinking that I will need to make more for dinner so we can share with the window installers.


As much as I want these windows, I also just want this to all be over. I want to tidy things up and put my house back in order. For now I will just have to sit in turmoil and learn patience. There is nothing to clean today; I think I will have plenty to clean tomorrow though. So for now I will just sit here anxious, excited and nervous waiting for my new windows to arrive. 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Meanest Mom Makeover

Things were not looking good yesterday, Miss Crabby Pants Teenager was moaning and lethargic and basically unreasonable. I set a time for her to accomplish the tasks I had given her and she was nowhere near the finish line. In my mind I had planned this nice afternoon of us spending some quality Mother/daughter time and the fact that my daughter was not motivated had made me decide that I was going to leave without her. Why should I sit around listening to my daughter moan and groan when I could enjoy my day? With this in mind I started getting ready to go off on my own.

Once my daughter got wind of my plan she started bugging me to come along. There was a lot of “P L E A S E” and groveling and sneak attack hugging until I finally gave in. Honestly, it was all for the best. Taking her with me gave me time to chat with my girl about what was going through her head. There seemed to be so much anxiety and stress and my hope was to ease some of those feelings.

Our first stop was at a local restaurant for a bite of lunch. We chatted a little, ate and headed out to get our nails done. Next we went to a local mall and walked around, tried on a few possible Homecoming dresses and poked through some of my daughters favorite stores. It was nice to spend the time with my daughter and not have an agenda. We were not fighting over clothes or her dirty room or anything else, we were just strolling along talking and laughing and enjoying our time together. Miss Teen Crabby Pants was still a little anxious, but she had stepped back from her ledge enough that we could have a good time.

In the end, it turns out that this year of huge decisions and big expectations has my daughter terrified. In addition to that the fact that after years of denial she is finally realizing that you have to grow up, there is just no way around it. If I had stood firm in my demands yesterday I might have missed the chance to talk with my youngest about her concerns. If I had not stepped back and looked at the big picture and not just her room, I would have missed her smiling face and her beautiful laugh. If I had not stopped talking about my demands and looked into her scared face I would have missed those eyes filled with worry and I would have never been able to hug her and tell my youngest that she was going to be okay.


Mean Mom had a makeover yesterday. I had to be reminded that parenting is not always about winning the battle, sometimes parenting is about reaching in to the trenches and offering a soft place to fall. In the end the messy room is a blip on the screen, but the laughs, hugs and time together will last both of us a lifetime. I know I have not seen the last of Miss Crabby Pants Teen, but I also know that she is not that tough and neither am I. We can both compromise for the good of the other and meet half way. There is hope for us yet!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Mean Mom Alert

While the rest of our state school districts start school today, our district has chosen to start school tomorrow. Friends that live in other districts are posting first day of school photos and sharing their excitement about the first day of the school year on Facebook, and I am faced with an angry teenage girl because I mandated that she wake up early so that she would be tired tonight and ready to pop out of bed tomorrow morning for her first day of school. I am a MEAN mom, and “You are not my friend!”

I had to remind my sulky teenage daughter that my goal has never been to be her friend; my goal has always been to prepare her to be on her own. I am running out of time to accomplish this task since this is Miss Teen Crabby Pants, senior year of high school. There have been moments in the last few weeks when I have opened her bedroom door and cringed at the mayhem and destruction. I have also come close to going insane as I have watched my daughter wait until the last minute to take care of things she should have taken care of earlier and complain about things, like not having the cereal she likes when I have asked nicely and even firmly demanded (yelled) that everyone here put what they want on my grocery list.

I am not trying to be anyone’s friend, trust me! I am trying as hard as I can to get my daughter to take responsibility for her own self and I will follow a short distance behind in case she needs me. My struggle is now I wonder if I’m the problem. What if I’m not hands off enough, or what if I am too hands on. AGH! My head is spinning with frustration, aggravation, guilt and a very strong desire to run far, far away! I have taken to just snapping at my family instead of talking. I cannot be bothered with being pleasant when I feel like an animal backed into a corner. Honestly, when my daughter declared me, mean and not her friend, I just laughed. That is what insane people do, they laugh.

The best part is that tomorrow morning I will not be here when my daughter leaves for her first day of school. I signed up for an exercise class that starts early and tomorrow is the first day. I cannot miss the first class I would have no idea what is happening, so that means I have to leave the two people in my family (my husband and daughter) that are the least likely to plan, that hate to wake up and also refuse to follow guidelines (like writing food preferences on a list) alone together and pray that all goes well. This class lasts eight weeks and I will be going twice a week. I am actually thinking this might be good for all of us. If nothing else it will be good to have two days a week where I am oblivious to how everything is accomplished in the morning. I will not worry if anyone is up, or if there is a decent lunch packed or even if my daughter is running late. I will be happily working out.

This could be a win/win for all of us. The meanest Mom in the world will be out of the way and the daughter that is determined to drive her mother insane will be on her own to figure everything out. This may end up being the smartest thing I have ever done. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go roust my daughter back out of her bed and be “mean” to her some more. The things I do just for a little fun, seriously!