What is it?

I‘m going through something…I’m not sure what it is or why, but it’s there. I’m anxious and uneasy and if I could have my way I would not leave the house. I made dinner last night and it didn’t turn out as well as I had planned and I cried. Not just little tears but a full on cry. I am pulling away from things I enjoy and people I like talking to. What the heck is going on?

I am hoping it is just the change of seasons and that it will pass but its unpleasant and weird. I feel like folding up, but I can’t because I have too much to do. We have some awesome plans for this coming weekend and I don’t even want to go. Now that’s really weird! I love going places and doing things especially when I can go and do with my hubby and yet I’m not feeling it. From where I stand it seems a lot like depression, but why?

That is the hard part about depression. It climbs in grabs a hold of you and starts filling your head with lies. There are big lies and little lies about you that aren’t true. Then you are left to fight this battle with yourself over truth and lies. After a while you start to believe the lies and you even start thinking that others feel things towards you or about you that are not true and it becomes this vicious fight with in yourself. What is most difficult is knowing what is happening and even knowing what you can do about it and being unable to do it.

That’s where I’m at. So many good things and wonderful things going on around me and I’m frozen in this not so great place of anxiety and worry and sadness over nothing. It’s awful and I hate it. I’m doing what I can because I know what it is (depression) but I obsess about why I’m feeling this and it just makes it worse. I would like nothing more than to have a day where I don’t shower and just sit and do nothing, but common sense tells me that is a recipe for disaster. So at least I have not lost my sanity…yet.  Today, I know that I have things to do and I have to get moving. I will just push through and make my way one day at a time until I leave this horrible feeling behind.